Hiking

I haven't posted a picture in a while, so I thought I'd toss one up.

We went hiking up a mountain (yes, in Wisconsin!). I was sore for a few days, thus up a bit in weight. I also had several days of potlucks and other situations where I was not totally in control of my food selections if I wanted to be polite...and I did.

It wasn't bad, however. It was just more than I wanted it to be.

Today I did a steak day because after that hard hike, I did yoga to try to work out the kinks, and a couple of days this week I walked 5 miles at a '12' incline, which meant I needed another day of yoga to work out those kinks. Combined with the food issues, the way I saw it I had unintentionally ended up with an instance of 'carb refeeding' and figured a bit of intermittent fasting was in order.

I'm not looking to drop a huge amount, just give myself a fresh start.

This week I have a lot of computer work to do, so I will have to actually carve out the time I need to move, which likely will be Wii, treadmill and yoga in preparation to take on that mountain once again!

Exercise

Last time I wrote about maintaining in regard to food, but I've been asked several times since then how much I need to exercise to stay at a 4/6.

Not much, really.

In fact, as with the food, it's probably not so different than what I did when I was fat, but I enjoy it more. Or maybe I did more before, but I hated it more? I'm not sure.

This week I walked 5 miles on the treadmill one day and happened to bike a couple of miles on the same day. Another day I did 1/2 hour of yoga. Yesterday, I walked perhaps a couple of miles around the neighborhood. That's pretty typical. If I want to undo damage from a weekend of excess or something, I might try to make an attempt to do more. But my job and school tend to involve a good amount of sitting. I have to make time for it.

The difference is that now I see results, which is motivating. I do actually enjoy it. The day I walked 5 miles on the treadmill, it was because I was watching a movie on Netflix. When I was fat, I did the same thing, but I had to make deals with myself...like no coffee in the morning until I did at least 2.5 miles. Then I'd do another couple of miles in the afternoon. I may have even walked more later with my sister, or we might have gotten together to lift free-weights. I did this for MONTHS with NO results, despite a healthy organic vegetarian diet of no more than around 1000-1200 calories per day and NO goodies. After about 6 months, I quit putting the effort into it. My life was full of cycles like that.

So anyway, I couldn't have done the entire 5 miles at once. My feet would hurt after about 2 or 3. And I wouldn't break into a light jog, because likely I would be crying at the injustice of working my ass off for no f*ucking reason, because 'they' said I just wasn't working hard ENOUGH and obviously 'they' were the experts. Many of my workout included copious amounts of bad language and tears.

Now I know that for my body to maintain I should eat around 1200-1400 calories, depending on WHAT I eat. What is 'diet' for some is just the way I have to live to stay where I am.

Before I exercised even though I hated every...single...minute of certain things. I enjoyed hiking and yoga...although my feet would hurt after or my belly rolls and thighs would get in the way.

When we got the treadmill we currently have, I was so excited. On some level I really did miss it. What I decided is that I liked exercising...I just didn't like the way it made me feel emotionally (because I was supposed to get smaller and didn't) and physically (because everything was just so much harder than it should be).

Before, I would have deprived myself of the good things in life. Today, I have a glass of red wine and a square of dark chocolate nearly every day with no repercussions. Now, if I have toast on any given day, I'll have to have a 5 mile day. Before, I might have had toast every day. If I was too busy to make something to eat, I might grab a couple of pieces of toast instead of a meal...for all three meals! That's 750 calories or more, all in a fat storing combination of grain and fat/oil. I would gain on that!

The conventional wisdom that says a calorie is a calorie is a lie. It makes us feel like failures. It matters where the calories come from, and there is no one right formula that works for everyone.

Splurging

I get asked quite often what I eat now; what I eat daily and what I eat when I 'cheat'. I've written about what a typical day looks like, but this weekend I celebrated my 25th wedding anniversary, and if any weekend could be considered a 'splurge' this would be it.

Well, first of all, there is no 'cheating'. I'm not dieting for the rest of my life. I've just changed how I look at food to a certain extent.

So, daily, I may have eggs and bacon for breakfast. I don't sit for big meals as a rule because there are only two of us now, and even when there were three, we often were on different schedules. However, before, I might have had a bowl of cereal OR a bagel with cream cheese OR oatmeal OR yogurt. Now, I focus on protein. We make the bacon in big batches and freeze it so I can grab just 2 or 3 slices and eat it with an herbed egg or two. Or, if I don't have eggs made, I may have a slice or two of hard cheese with my bacon, or I may have the cheese with an apple or pear.

I drink water throughout the day, but I do drink coffee with cream in the morning. usually two cups, but my cups are big, like 1.5 size, maybe two, of what my coffee maker calls a 'cup'.

For lunch, I might have 1/2 cup cottage cheese (full fat) and a piece of fruit (if I didn't have one for breakfast). Before, I would have had a Peanut butter sandwich on whole wheat...no jelly or honey or anything. I might have had some baby carrots with ranch dip, but often just the sandwich.

Now, I'll probably have a handful of macadamia nuts or almonds as a snack. I probably would have done that before, or I might have had a 'healthy' protein/meal bar. I look at labels now and cannot believe the amount of sugar and/or carbohydrate in those bars I got from the health food store, let alone the ones in mainstream groceries!

For dinner now, I might make a cauliflower crust pizza, or a quiche with the same crust. I might make a spicy peanut sauce to go with grilled chicken and veggies. Now though, I'll skip the rice...even the brown or whole grain...unless I have a very small amount. Before, it would have been a bed of rice as my main portion (like 3/4 cup) with a little veggie and chicken. Now, the I may have a whole chicken breast, a cup of veggies, and little or no rice.

Now, for a celebratory weekend? I don't just toss my new habits. Before, going away for a weekend meant eating the hotel 'continental' breakfast, which is all starch or sweet fruit. I may have taken those protein bars or granola bars thinking that was somehow better because at least it wasn't a sugar-filled cereal. We also would have eaten out for all of our meals, and while we have split the vast majority of our meals for years, still usually it would be more than I'd eat at home. And, we'd eat at the places we never get to eat otherwise, and I'd get the pasta nearly every time.

On a car trip, we might have picked up chips or pretzels or something, or we may have allowed ourselves the fast food that we tried to stay away from in our daily lives.

This weekend, we were gone 3 1/2 days. We ate 4 meals out, all evening meals. We took a cooler with chicken, protein shakes (Jay Robb...low carbs 110 calories), nuts, apples, and Atkins bars. Breakfast, lunch and snacks were all from those selections.

Two meals were very disappointing; not worth the money spent or the calories ingested. For one, I ordered steak, no potato/rice selection and a salad with blue cheese dressing. Broccoli was included, but it was mushy. I had two glasses of wine. No desert. For the other, I had French onion soup and a salad with a pear/vinegar dressing. Meh. I was pissed about this whole dinner. I had one glass of wine and it sucked. No desert here either.

However, both of those nights, we had chocolate later, and we did end up consuming adult beverages...me, another glass of wine back at the hotel each night. I brought 2 bottles for the 4 nights, but I brought home about 3/4 of one of them. In any case, one of those nights, it was just a regular dark chocolate selection from the machine in the hall, but it was too sweet. In the event we got a chocolate craving again, the next day we picked up a quality 70% cocoa bar and split that later in the evening.

The two good meals were at a steakhouse. I ordered a salad and filet mignon. I skipped the potato selection again. I did eat the bread they put on the table these times as it was really good bread: two pieces both times. Again, I had wine with dinner.

We hiked in the hills/mtns. of the U.P. one whole day, did get out and walked every couple of hours each day we were in the car, and we got in a couple of miles on the hotel treadmill the day it was rainy.

This morning I am up 3.5 lb, however, I know that by going back to the way I usually eat, and by getting 3-5 miles per day in on the treadmill, and perhaps some yoga, I will be back down to where I was before I left maybe by the end of the week. I can pretty much figure that getting back to the daily routine will take me twice as long to take it off as it did to put it on, and I have to work fairly hard at it. For instance, in a regular day, I may get the treadmill OR yoga, but not both; I may get 2-3 miles in, but 4 or 5 is pushing it. It's the price I pay for eating out all weekend, even if I made better choices than I might otherwise and even if I didn't allow myself to just indulge.

And make no mistake, while I don't 'diet' to stay here, every single thing I put in my mouth is a conscious choice. All calories are NOT the same! I probably eat the same or MORE calories on a daily basis as I did before, but I typically stay away from grains and sugar. That's the biggest difference.

I keep close track of my weight, and get right on it when I have a weekend like I just had. The biggest 'splurge' of this weekend was I didn't take the scale. I knew that even if I saw the indicator go up, I wouldn't do anything different, so what was the point? But it was the first thing I did this morning, so I could strategize for the rest of the week. I needed to assess the damages right away so it doesn't get out of control.

This program is not magic. People cannot go back to eating the way they did before. What made them fat before will make them fat again, there is no question about that. They cannot use food for reasons other than nourishment. This program gives them the opportunity to cultivate new habits, techniques for dealing with emotions or stress, and ways to socialize that don't always revolve around food...but it is UP TO THE PERSON TO USE THE OPPORTUNITY PROVIDED THEM!

If they look at this like a 'diet', but don't address ALL the ways they gained, they may or may not stabilize, but even if they do, they likely won't keep it off long term. This isn't because the program doesn't work, it's because THEY AREN'T WORKING THE PROGRAM. If someone starts asking me 'when can I have...' I lead them into dialog about changing their perceptions and habits over and over again, but I know they are the ones that will gain it back. It's not that they can't ever have those things again, but that if they are so focused on when they can get back to those old ways, it's probably an issue for them.

I enjoyed this weekend. It was worth a bit of extra work and due diligence regarding my food selections and workout habits for a week or two. It's part of my new life to take care of myself in a way I know works. Conventional wisdom about nutrition and weight management are just plain wrong, and as long as people remain stuck in those perceptions, we will continue to be an obese nation.

vacation

Well, we just returned from 6 days of 'vacation'. It wasn't so restful, but this blog is not about that, so other than the fact that no sleep/constantly interrupted sleep contributes to weight gain, I'm only logging my stabilization progress...or lack thereof.

We took our own stabilization-friendly food, and ate that MOST of the time. During the six days we were gone, we ate out 4 times. During those 4 outings, I still made decent selections for about 80% of what I ordered. In that week, I had the equivalent of perhaps one potato (several entries included some sort of potato, and I did take a few bites), an average of a little less than piece of bread per day, and one full desert (a very small piece of keylime pie at one place for our anniversary dinner, and bites of a desert I shared with my husband.)

I drank a glass or two of wine most nights.

I did not eat the dips and chips and brownies at the family gathering Saturday night. I did not eat the pizza on the tall ship cruise Sunday night. I did not eat the very tempting baked goods at the bakery/breakfast place we ate at on Sunday morning. I chose scrambled eggs.

I ate more beef (the form of filet mignon) than I usually do in a month, because it makes me gain. I was hoping to get a good one at least once, but was sorely disappointed.

The first time, it was at Mission Table. This place used to be called Bower's Harbor Inn, and it was elegant with THE most superb food. It was a special place we'd go to for our anniversary and New Year's Eve. It was worth the drive (it's WAYYYY out on the end of a peninsula) for special occasions, because while it was expensive, it was a special treat. Now, it's just expensive and WAYYY out on a peninsula. The new owners have removed all the 'special' from it. Sad. Our server, Raja, who has been the one constant over the years was still there, that was the one nice thing. The food wasn't bad, but it wasn't special. It was almost worth the splurge, but not the build up.

The next place was billed as an 'elegant, gourmet dining experience'. It was so NOT. My steak was very overdone and nothing about the dinner was anything but ordinary, except the bread. That was good. I kicked myself that I actually didn't say anything so that at least it would be worth it.

The next place we've eaten at before, and everything about it was good...I will go back...but I DID send my steak back, because this time, it wasn't even warm in the middle and was mushy. I just couldn't eat it unless they actually cooked it. So, I sat there waiting for food while my husband ate his dinner.

As for exercise, it was chilly and we didn't get beach walks. We did get 2 miles on the treadmill at the hotel two of those days, and about 1/2 hour of yoga one day, and the hot tub/sauna I think 4 of the 6 days.

Now on to the important part. In six days, being 'good' at least 80% of the time and not having any one dining experience worth a gain, I gained FIVE POUNDS.

I had someone comment a week or two ago that it's not fair that others can eat what they want while some of us can't. I tried to be the 'rah rah' support team, but frankly, right at this moment, I'm thinking it sucks eggs too!

So, while I'm still at the 'normal' line on Wii, I'm right AT the line. I'm back up to the place I really don't mind being at, but I was sooooo excited to be 5 lb. lower! I hope it doesn't take me a month to get back there!

I never thought I'd say this: I LOVE MY SCALE!

Years ago, we splurged and bought a scale that was supposed to be super accurate. As a matter of fact, my dad has the same scale, and he says it is exactly the same as his doctor's scale, and the scale at the physical therapist's office.

I have not been on said scale in oh, perhaps 10 years.

The last time I was on it, I had placed a marker at 180 (where I was) and 124 (where I wanted to be). At some point it went up above 180, I got frustrated and depressed, and I banished the scale to the garage.

My husband just dug it out and tested it, thinking we could clean it up and at the very least take it to Goodwill if it was in good working order. We have the Wii, so we figured it was pointless to keep moving the big monster of a scale around. He said it looked like it was still pretty accurate, so would I clean it up.

So I tested it. Wii has me at 126. The other put me at 121!!!! I got off and on and off and on, moved it to carpet, re-calibrated, tried again. 121. This morning, 119!!!! I brought it upstairs and put it on tile...119!!!

So, I officially love this scale.

Perhaps milk sugars are a problem?

I'm up .9 this morning, and considering I know my calorie count was under 1500 yesterday, I'm thinking that the either the milk sugars in the goats milk got me, or there is just nothing I can do here.

The protein mix in the shakes I consumed had no sugars, and the calorie count for each shake was 310. The goat's milk is low in carbohydrate, but has 10 g. of sugar (I'm assuming lactose...milk sugars) which I didn't think would be a problem.

Maybe they aren't. Maybe this is normal, and my body is just trying to be where it wants, or this is a variation and tomorrow I'll be down 2 lb. Who knows? I know I don't have another steak day in me just yet, thus, it is what it is.

I am sore all over from scrubbing all my floors thrice yesterday. Also could be the problem. This calls for some yoga.

Thoughts of yesterday

First of all, brief update: down .4 today, 2 protein shakes so far today, planning an apple for a snack and tomato/basil/mozzarella salad for dinner.

Yesterday, we went for a bike ride; about 8-10 miles alone the Lake Michigan shoreline. It was beautiful!

During our ride, I saw at least a dozen overweight, obese and morbidly obese people on bikes, walking and on roller blades. I thought, "That was me." I wanted to go up to everyone of them and tell them they don't have to keep struggling, because I was so acutely aware of what it took for them to be out there.

They may very well enjoy walking, biking and skating. I know I did. But every outing carried the risk of ridicule...people mooing or yelling 'get your fat ass off the road'.

Every outing was laborious...no matter how much you enjoy being active and outside, it's just HARDER when you carry that much extra weight.

I've said it before, fat people, especially fat people who are active and healthy and who do all the 'right' things, are very aware that they are being judged as lazy and gluttonous by at least one person who does no know them, and likely several, every time they go out. They know that even people they know think they are lazy, and liars to boot, because if they 'really' ate as little as they say and 'really' were as active as they claim, they wouldn't be fat. It's a lie, of course, and the fat people know it. They know they are doing everything they are 'supposed' to be doing, and yet they are fat. It's crazy-making.

Again, I'm not saying that there aren't fat people out there who do just eat too much and move too little. I'm saying that some of us are fat despite all of our best efforts. Those are the big people you see out there walking and biking. And I just wanted to tell them that what they are doing is never going to work if it hasn't already. Doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results is the definition of insanity. I wanted to tell them there is a way to make your outside match your inside, and a way to fix your body so it works right again.

But I didn't, obviously. They'd think I'm a nut. They wouldn't believe me because it seems to good to be true. They wouldn't believe me because it is contrary to everything they think they know is true about being overweight, even though their very experience is prove that what they think they know isn't so.

Sigh.

Bad combination

Yesterday, I left the house for the day with only enough 'safe' food for a few hours, and we ended up being gone ALL day.

We delivered my dau's cat to her new apartment, meaning I am now an 'empty nester' and my dau is officially embarking on the journey of the rest of her life. So, we were in a celebratory mood, I was hungry by the end of the day AND...the final straw...my favorite restaurant was only 10 min. away.

We went, and initially I was good. No bread from the bread basket, no bun with the burger, no fries or anything...just salad with blue cheese. I did have wine with my dinner, and I did split a piece of cheesecake with my husband.

I dreaded facing the scale this a.m. To make matters worse, we stayed up late last night, and slept in really late today, so I was weighing about 3 or 4 hours later than usual. It's hot and humid, (we don't have the AC on yet) and I can feel my fingers are swollen. There was also likely more salt in restaurant food than I usually use.

All contributing to my weigh in, but none so much as the fact that I had 1000 calories in before we went out to dinner, and likely ate at least 1000-1500 more there.

I was up 1.5, which means I gained back all I lost on the steak day on Friday plus about .2 of a lb. However, after a couple of cups of Smooth Move (TMI, but no 'movement' all weekend, so for the last two days, nothing that's gone in has exited) and a day of bike riding and hiking and eating normal amounts of 'safe' foods for me, I should be able to get a more accurate assessment of where I really am. I can't do another steak day; it's too soon. I've found they don't work well if they are used too often. Besides, I don't enjoy them...I endure them.

Decisions, decisions

I am up 1.5 lb. today.

Yesterday, I'm positive did not eat more than 1200 calories; no sugar, no starch. I didn't even have nuts yesterday. I tracked every bite.

I didn't exercise hard enough to initiate water weight retention. I did haul the monster vacuum cleaner to all three floors and did a little Wii, but not strength training or anything.

Thus, I could conclude my body is just adjusting to processing more food and is doing so slowly. I'm not over 2 lb. even from yesterday, so technically, there is no cause for a steak day. My options are, in order of sensibility:

ignore it and eat normally today
[in addition to the above] have some Smooth Move tea and see if moving things along changes anything
do a steak day anyway

I'm actually leaning toward the last option, mainly because I was already thinking I might have steak tonight. It's Friday, our traditional steak night, for one thing. For another, I haven't had beef in well over a month and it sounded good for tonight. For another, I loathe Smooth Move tea--both the taste and the effects. It works, for sure, but I hate it. I'd rather just not eat today and treat myself to that steak tonight.

Another reason I'm going to tend to be so stringent on keeping that scale steady for the next week is that I'm going to have a little less control next week. I don't want to take chances. I'm exactly where I wanted to be when I started this journey. I'm not losing ground now!

I guess my decision has been made. :-)

Whoo hoo!

I was a little worried about this am. I was already hungry yesterday morning, so I started right out the gate with a handful of macs, kicking myself all the way. Then over the course of my day at work, nibbled a protocol meal...cukes, apple, 100g chicken, melba. When I got home, I prepared to teach a class and made my people caprese salad, which I tried before I sprinkled the olive oil on it...so I had about an oz. of mozzarella with my tomato. I had my melba and chicken, but skipped my apple thinking the calorie count was already over by perhaps 100 calories, AND I had fat in the cheese and nuts. I did do 1/2 hour of prayerful yoga that was challenging, but wasn't sure that would mitigate my sins.

So, it was with trepidation I stepped on the scale. I was pleasantly surprised to be down .4 lb.! I'm still in the 124 area, but at the threshold of bumping down. I'm 3.5 lb. away from the Wii goal. Not that I'm shooting for that anymore, I'm feeling pretty skinny at 124, but I didn't reset it, so it will still be counting for another 2 weeks or so.

Tiara Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nope, I didn't reach my Wii goal of 121 (which I just realized is completely opposite of my original 212 starting point after loading). But I did reach my goal of 124.4!!!! 124 was my goal when I began this journey more than a year-and-a-half ago. It was the last weight I recalled feeling good about myself. I was a size 5 at that weight before. It's the goal I had in my head for the last 20 years. It's the goal I never thought I'd see ever again. Not only did I see it this morning, but I'm smaller in size now than I was at 124 in the past!

I didn't write yesterday even though it was sort of exciting. The dinner cruise and my substitutions didn't hurt me weight-wise. I did however feel weird all day. No super hungry or anything, just sort of emotionally raw, maybe near panicky? Like something bad was about to happen. Just this sense of impending doom all day. I couldn't concentrate, was restless. Then later in the afternoon, I had this weird vision issue where my vision was just...spotty. I wasn't dizzy, things weren't out of focus; I just couldn't see everywhere in my field of vision. It's hard to explain.

For some reason, I felt like I needed some good fat. I don't know why I felt that, because I also felt this was due to a bug or flu since I also felt feverish and achy, but I did. So I had two little pieces of chocodelight with coconut oil and went to bed by like 8:30 pm. I was up at 5:30 am and felt pretty good. Especially after I saw the scale!!!

It's goin' to be a good day, Tater.

Judgement Day

Down .7 lb. over the last two days. I'm still going in the right direction, I'm just not where I hoped I'd be.

I'm sitting in front of the Wii, so I can get some accurate data here and think...

ON 8/9 (when I had to re-boot and lost all previous data on the Wii) I was 130.5 and today I 8/23 am 125.9. That's 19 days and barely 5 lb. gone. That's approximately 1/4 lb. per day. that's not even 2 lb. per week! And the last week has been rather sucky, which is not the way it's supposed to be. I even had to take a Motrin last night because I had a headache, and while I caution people against assuming that hcg has anything to do with random aches and pains that can crop up when you do anything for any length of time, with everything that's happened in the last week, I have to consider there may be some connection.

I told myself that I would only quit today IF I had reached 124 lb, which is not my goal, but was my original goal. I did not reach that goal. It looks like it would likely take me at least a week to reach that. It looks like there is no way I can reach 121 even in the 16 days I have left to obtain my Wii objective. And I'm not sure I have it in me. At this point, it's taking willpower, which it shouldn't. Sure, there are moments that require willpower typically, but the usual hcg protocol has been effortless 99% of the time, with short and infrequent moments of effort. This is not that.

And I have to consider that IF I am only losing what I would on 500 calories per day without hcg, and IF I am feeling hungry and yucky, it may mean that the hcg is not working or my body is not using it correctly. I just mixed it; I know it's fresh. That would mean my body just isn't recognizing it (immunity or refusal to give up more fat). If that's the case, than what I'm losing could be muscle, and that will just screw with my metabolism ultimately...and not be good for my heart.

Since the whole point of doing this is to avoid all that, and because it's usually so easy, I think I may have to conclude that my husband was right: I'm wasn't really a good candidate for this any more. I was too close to a 'normal' weight that my body wants, and it's just not working optimally. It really is for obesity. It's not a quick fix to lose a few lb., which is really all I wanted to do.

So, I think today I start with my '3 days and I'm out' portion of the program. On Thursday, I'm going to start with about 1000 calories and not go for the high calorie options, even though I know I can have the fat. I'd rather eat more foot if I'm not going for 1500 calories. If I can keep it between 1000 and 1500 (and I am aware that 1200 is 'diet' for most people and that about 1900 calories is 'normal' for maintenance...it isn't for me; I gain) I know I can stay in range.

I'll keep posting here throughout to keep myself accountable.

Later--

Menu for the dinner cruise:

Chicken swimming in some creamy sauce
Creamy mashed potatoes
Cesar Salad, premixed
Baby carrots and cauliflower, it looked like steamed with dill
Desert tray

I couldn't see a sheen on the veggies, and there was no butter sauce in the bottom of the pan they were served in, so I'm thinking they were steamed. I ate about 1/2 cup of that, passed on everything else and drank water...tons of it.

I was going to come home and have my apple and cuke if there wasn't anything I could have, and I ate my 100g chicken breast and melba before I left so I wouldn't be starving. I'm thinking with the uncertainty of the veggie prep, I should skip the cuke and/or apple. I may have a cup of decaf or something, then go to bed early as I am really, really tired. The gentle rocking of the boat made me sleepy...on top of the fact that I've just been tired overall for days. So, that's going to be the rest of my night, and that's how I chose to navigate this particular event.

From here on out, it gets easier. (manifesting my reality, don'cha know)

Waiting game

Today, I woke up feeling great. I wasn't hungry, hadn't awoken hungry in the night (which has happened on occasion the last week or so), and was feeling so great I contemplated playing tennis or going for a bike ride.

I didn't eat until noon, and then only because everyone else was eating, not because I had been waiting to devour my protocol meal.

By 2 pm however, I was already hungry. Vacuuming made me a little weak, and every once in a while I feel a little like I may be getting a headache, but it never really manifests. I'm counting down the minutes until I can eat. I don't want to eat anything too early as I don't want to be hungry before bed...even though bedtime may come early tonight as I'm tired.

I don't know what the scale will say tomorrow, but I'm starting to think I'm going to have to take what I get. This isn't supposed to be like this, and hasn't been most of the times I've done it. Toward the end, or during my TOM, there have been days, but this is working now on days in a row. I do believe both of those factors, and the fact that my body is just as low as I dare go, not just for now, but as low period. I'm starting to really think the Wii and BMI calculators are just whacked. I'm comfortable here, I'd like to stay here.

Tomorrow I could change my mind. :-)

Winding down I think

Yesterday I was up .4 lb. and weighed 126.4. I'm currently wearing a size 4 skirt. My husband asked me 'when are you going to stop this?' yesterday when he got home from his business trip.

Well, I'd like to stop right this minute. It's getting harder every day. I'm hungrier, thus relying on gum to help me get between meals. I'd like to blame my extreme fatigue on the f*cking cat that kept me up all night, which would be true, except for the last several nights I've been very tired, very early. Yesterday, I actually started my TOM, so that plays some part, I'm sure, but I really think I'm getting to a point where I think I'm done. Stick a fork in me.

There are a couple of reasons I haven't stopped. One is that I won't be able to weigh again until Monday morning because we have guests staying in the basement where the Wii is and that's my only scale. I need to have a definitive end weight, especially since I didn't have a definitive start weight. My Wii goal ends on Monday, I believe, and it should be about 121. I set it according to a 22.7 BMI if I recall, and that's about 121. Still 5 lb. more than Wii says I should be, but Dave's right...I'm feeling a little on the bony side these days. It feels fine, and I'm good here; I just wouldn't want to be 10 lb. lighter. 5? Maybe. It's not that I think it's that much different then where I am, but it gives me more 'wiggle room' before I'd hit a point where I don't feel comfortable.

Never in a million years would I have thought I'd ever be worrying about being TOO THIN!

I don't want to go too far, though I think my body won't let me, actually. I'm getting some pretty clear signs now, I believe. Or I'm just sick of doing this. I'm not sure. But physically, I think it's real weakness, fatigue, hunger. I want to make damn sure I'm down as far as I can go, and damn sure I lock it in tight. This time I don't think it will be hard to do that as I'm going back to the drawing board as I did with this whole round. I'm not even going to add cream to my coffee for a couple of weeks. I'm going a lot slower with the additions; I'm being a lot more conservative in what I add and when.

I've been arguing with myself in my journal, coming up with justifications for quitting, and then for not. I've given myself a dozen different deadlines, and 'I'll stop when I get to ____' or 'I'll know my body is done when _____' and then I ignore my own line in the sand.

I like being a size 4. I'd like to stay here. I know now I don't want to be a size 2/3, as much as I like the two dresses in my closet that are there. Really, they aren't worth it, I think. 4-6 is lovely and I feel good there. I just want to be solidly there.

I'm just talking to myself again, but I think for others who are doing though this, it's important to know that it's ok to know when to say when. It's important to hash out where we want to be as opposed to where someone/thing says we should be. Sometimes that means talking to yourself, I guess.

Progress and thoughts

First, for the progress report...
I decided to toss it up a bit and have fish on Saturday, even though I hate fish. I thought I could make it in a way I could choke it down. I was wrong. I tried. I got most of it down, but I had to hold my breath to do it. Yuck!

So anyway, my body doesn't seem to like fish either. Sunday I was hungry and weak and dizzy on occasion. I figured I metabolized the fish faster than chicken, or didn't get enough calories from it. So I ate as normal, although I added 8 macs in the morning. I also got a 6-8 mile bike ride (odometer broken). I don't remember if I weighed, or what the number was.

Yesterday, up .2 lb., but I also weighed much earlier than previously, which almost always shows up as more. Because I was already starting to get hungry in the a.m., I tested my hCG on a pregnancy test. It came up much lighter than the test line, which I interpreted to mean perhaps after two weeks from mixing, my hCG was losing strength.

I tossed it and mixed anew. Note to self (and others): it still comes up lighter than test line when mixed new. It would seem that's just the way it was, so I wasted probably 10 days worth for nothing; maybe more, because today, also hungry already (it's 9:30 a.m.) and if it turns out that this is all because my body has had enough despite what my brain is shooting for, I'll end up wasting what's left of this vial. Lesson learned.

So anyway, this am I'm down .4 lb, again, super early, but comparable to yesterday's time. Tomorrow will be similar,but then Thursday and Friday will be different times. I sort of doubt I'll be able to weigh at all this weekend since we'll have company.

I will definitely wait out the week to see what an assortment of variables contribute to the process, and evaluate if I keep going one or two more weeks beyond that. I really depends on how I feel and how it's working.

OK, now for some deep (?) thoughts:

Comments from people sometimes make me think about weird stuff. Things I notice these days make me think of weird stuff. For instance, it was really hot the other day, and as I'm driving down the street, I see an obese person walking. I remember being that person, but I realize that I have not given a thought to the heat other than to note it's hot. I'm not worrying about my thighs chaffing if I wear the wrong thing. I'm not worried about hugging anyone lest I drench them in sweat. I'm not driving around the block looking for a closer parking spot because I think I might pass out in the heat on the way from my car to the store. I'm hot, but I'm not miserable.

I realize that the smaller I get, the less I think about weight, or the numbers on the scale. Even during protocol these days, occasionally I forget either to weigh, or what the scale said specifically. Comments from thin people (often who do not realize that I used to be fat, or who just forget) seem to indicate that they believe that fat people to not think about the implications of being fat...but they think about it EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF EVERY SINGLE DAY. Every morsel I put in my mouth when I was fat had a thought behind it. Every time I saw an outfit I liked and knew it wouldn't fit; every time I met someone new and worried about how they might judge me; every time I saw someone who knew me before I got fat and worried about what they'd say about me; every time I shopped or ate out and noticed that other people were taking note of what I was eating; every time I hugged someone, every time I was short of breath; every time it hurt to tie my shoes. There is nothing a fat person does that doesn't remind them that they are fat, often despised, judged, uncomfortable and self-conscious.

That said, something that ties into that is that now, when I do tell people where I've come from and how I got to where I am, they often comment, "Way to go!" or "Good for you!" or "Good job!" Honestly, in light of the previous paragraph, I have to say, I now realize why I have been at a loss for words when people have said such things.

One would think that those are compliments, or that I would at least feel complimented. But I don't. I usually sort of respond with a weak, "Thanks?" and here's why...

Even on protocol, I'm not thinking about weight or struggling nearly as much as I did every day when I was fat. In the last 18 months, I've put less thought and energy into weight than on any given day of my life for the last 20 years. I guess to me, saying 'good for you' implies that for all that time, I didn't work my ass off, or try to lose weight, or think about my body at all, which is far from the truth. Why didn't anyone commend me for all the time I struggled? I worked much harder at trying to lose weight year after year than I have since I discovered hCG. In comparison, it's been effortless, if only because there was actual reward for my effort, which had never happened before, even when the effort was nearly killing me.

That's also the reason that I get annoyed when people tell me, "That's great...but I'd rather (lose weight) on my own." As if I somehow took an easy way out.

Let me be clear...it's NEVER been easy. When I say Simeons' protocol was easy for me, that's because diet and exercise didn't work. Fantastic if it works for someone else, but I ate less on a daily basis than many people do in a meal for most of that 20 years, and still did not get smaller. I see people in my office every day with the same story, in tears because they've been told they aren't trying hard enough...if they just reduced the calories and moved more, they'd HAVE to get smaller. But they have and they didn't. They've starved themselves, they've hired personal trainers, they've work out 2-3 hours per day and STILL they were stuck. They tear up because they know I believe them--I've BEEN them.

Even now, when I am on maintenance, on-line calorie calculators tell me I should eat almost double what I can actually eat to maintain.

Every body is different. People like me didn't get fat because we were lazy or because we ate all the wrong food or huge portions. To be sure, there are people who do, and they know who they are. They will flat out say, "I got fat because..." and sure enough, they know their portion sizes are unreasonable and that they don't move enough. (So, FYI, they don't need you to tell them.) For those people a few habit changes are all that's required to get slim. But not all fat people are created equal!

/rant/

Still going...

Yesterday and today were BOTH -1.1 days! I'm now poised to beat that 128 previous low. I went back to see if 128 or 127 was my previous low, and I couldn't find it, but I think it was 128. I also think that 124 was my previous goal, and this time I think I entered 121 into my goal on the Wii, 'cause in my head I have 119-121, but it said I was like 6.7 lb. away today and that would have to be around 121. Last time I was 5. something away from goal, and I don't think I was any lower than I am now, probably not quite as low.

I FEEL smaller.

That is a good thing, because yesterday was my dh birthday, and he makes a mean steak, which he did for himself, and I made him chocolate delight. I had neither, because I'm doing so well, so consistently, I didn't want to mess it up. Oddly enough, I didn't want a glass of wine as much as I thought I would. I really didn't even miss celebrating with the good food. It helps that I had big drops yesterday and today both. That tends to make it worthwhile.

This week should be an easy week as long as I'm not hungry, and I haven't been too bad. Doing yoga a few times a week seems to be a good thing, and I see no problem with the food. Yes, it's boring, but again, as long as I'm continuing to go down, I'm good with that. Even if I were to stall, I think I'd go another two weeks just because I know sometimes there is a stall around now. That takes me beyond that dinner cruise, bummer, but has me a week into stabilization before the next summer event, and a month into it for my anniversary.

He's making omelets right now, and again, oddly I'm not the least bit hungry or tempted.

Oh, and yesterday, I tried some size 4s on...and they fit! :-)

I'm NORMAL!

Well, ok; maybe not. But it was a fantastic weekend. :-)

This a.m. I'm at 130.5. This is my sweet spot. This is where I've been comfortable for months, and this week will be illuminating. If I slow or stop, it may indicate that this is where my body prefers to be, although it was a pretty big leap from Friday to Monday...that probably means I'll continue, at least slowly, for the week. It's encouraging anyway.

After recalibrating my Wii, it again tells me to shoot for 116, but I set my goal for 120 in the next 4 weeks. On protocol, this is not an impossible goal, though the Wii did suggest more time. I'm not doing this longer than 6 weeks, and I really hope not to have to go more than another 2 or 3 weeks, depending on how my supply holds up and my progress.

Anyway, I looked at my calendar again this a.m. and I have yet ANOTHER social dinner gig on the 23rd! My planning really wasn't great, but oh well. I'll just have to enjoy without the food.

Boy! Did I pick a bad time for this!

So, once again, I was gone for the weekend. That means that 5 out of the 11 VLCI days, I was not even at home and had to navigate awkward situations. The first time, there was a family situation that was unexpected, but this time, it had been planned for a long time.

The first time, I did not find it so hard to stay on protocol. I was busy and my mind was on other things. This time, it was sort of a social situation...visiting friends at their cabin. The hostess made a wonderful dinner and breakfast with me in mind, and I ungraciously declined to partake in order to stay on protocol. And the food looked really good! If I had been on maintenance, without the hCG, I might have been a lot more tempted. As it was, I wasn't hungry, so it wasn't bad to just eat my own food at allotted times. Even then, I wasn't actually very hungry; I just ate so I'd stay on track and get my calories in. It was awkward to not partake, but like I said the hosts were very kind and understanding. The harder part was resisting a glass of wine or two as everyone else partook of cocktails!!!

That's hard right now too. It's a beautiful night for being on the patio with a class of Merlot. Sigh.

In the next couple of weeks, I have my husband's 55th birthday, and a once in a lifetime family reunion, both of which should include good food and libations, but I, reluctantly, in order to stay on track, will enjoy the company of my loved ones, but will not be enjoying the food and drink with them. Again, sigh.

I almost feel that I need to stay on protocol because it is the knowledge of how unforgiving the hcg is that keeps me on track. If I thought I could wiggle a little on stabilization, I may very likely be willing to risk the whole shebang. That would surely derail me. Although, I have to say, I'd like to NOT be on protocol, or even in the first 3 weeks of stabilization, for my 25th wedding anniversary. Timing is critical here. Thus, I really (really, really) hope that 1. I run out of hCG 3 weeks prior to my anniversary (because I am loathe to waste that stuff!) and b. reach my goals in that same time frame.

I don't know how I'm doing currently because my Wii was messed up the day we left for the cabin, so I have no clue what I weighed yesterday or today. We fixed it, so I will be able to check in tomorrow for a progress report. I expect to be on target simply because I was so good this weekend. My only guilty moment (and I confess it was due to feeling deprived of the good food, not hunger, so GASP! a cheat) was literally 6-8 macadamia nuts this morning. I'm going to get some Wii time in, or yoga, after I'm done here to try to atone for that.

Anyway, I do expect to be somewhere near target tomorrow a.m., which would mean finally back down to where I am most comfortable. That would mean that anything beyond that takes me down to where the Wii and BMI tables tell me I should be. Well, not exactly. According to charts and the Wii, I'm shooting for 116. I'm not really. I'd be very, very happy with 119-124 as my 5 lb. range. I was 134 on Friday. I would hope I can do 10 lb. in 2 weeks, 15 in 6 should I choose to take it that far...although that messes up my anniversary plans. We'll see. If I'm still going strong, no matter what I want for my anniversary, this is more important. I'm thinking if I have to go the distance with the full 6 weeks to get where I want to be, I can put our celebration off for a couple of weeks. It's just a day. The important part is that we celebrate it together, whenever we are able.

(Just trying to talk myself into compliance for the duration here.)

I blame the tomatoes!

Yesterday was a zero day already. Tomatoes were the only thing I did different. They caused issues before, so I'd guess they were the problem.

Otherwise, things are going well, especially considering the circumstances. Twice I was away from a scale...the first time being at the very beginning so I don't know what I gained loading. But today, I was down .7 lb., and nearly at the 'comfortable' weight I'd held for months. I would expect I'll reach that by the end of the weekend.

It will be another weekend where I must plan. Last weekend, I was unexpectedly traveling, so that was a challenge. I navigated well, I must say. I stuck to protocol, though my water consumption and sleep patterns and stress level were not optimal

Because there have been variables outside my control, though for the most part at least I've been able to control the food, even after this weekend I won't be able to guess at what the end result might be. I do know I'm releasing consistently, if not in great amounts. That sounds greedy, I know. Surely it's been at least a pound per day if I only go by the weight I was when I decided to go it again; likely closer to 2 per day average if I gained anywhere near what I had during loading in the past. It's just frustrating to know that I can't even look to what I may release above and beyond where I was before for at least 2 weeks. Bummer.

Today, I think I will try to fit in some yoga. It's very prayerful to me, and I have some healing energy to send out.

Hm.

Today, one client told me that that I inspired her because of how I looked in what I wore at our last visit. Nice.

A past client asked me if I'd lost more weight since we'd last met, and told me I shouldn't lose any more.

I'm glad I'm OK with where I am and where I'm going. :-)

Off to a wonky start

I didn't weigh during loading, so I was interested to see what the total was at the beginning of my first VLCI (Very Low Calorie Intake...I don't do 'diet') day. But, my dau had decided to sleep in the basement with the Wii and I couldn't weigh without waking her up.

So, I did today. After one day of VLCI (which went fine...no unusual hunger, even though I hadn't gone shopping and didn't have my second veggie, and I chose not to have melba toast) I was down .7 lb. from the last time I weighed, before loading. So, either I didn't gain much during loading, or I lost all of it and then some.

Now, I'm trying to organize one of those variables that makes life interesting. My sister just had a baby. She's in another state and has asked me to come help with breastfeeding. I can be gone for the weekend, but have a full day at work on Monday. So, I'm trying to figure out how to pull this off, be able to take my hcg and protocol food, etc.

Loading again

I know, I know. Just over 2 months ago, I thought perhaps it would be the last time ever I'd do this. But I never did reach where I wanted to be for our vacation at year's end. If I want to do it and have it locked in, I have to do it now. Like last time, it may or may not 'work'. I may be where my body wants to be. Plus, my dh helpfully pointed out that I'm not really a suitable candidate for this anymore. If someone came to me and said they only wanted to get rid of 10-20 lb. I'd tell them no way. But I've been bike riding, and playing tennis, and doing yoga...and I haven't lost the last bit with just regular eating and activity. So, I'm going to try again.

Besides, there has been a thought running around in my head for a few weeks now, and it seems I will get no rest until I let it out, so I'll share it here. I also need to test the theory, which means I go another round.

When I was in Michigan on vacation over the 4th, we went to one of our favorite restaurants in Traverse City. It used to be Bower's Harbor Inn. The casual dining area is now The Jolly Pumpkin, and the formal dining area is Mission Table. Anyway, the place has recently changed hands and changed names, but the legend of Genevieve remains.

In a nutshell, her story is that she was an obese and jealous woman who committed suicide when her husband left all of his wealth to his mistress. He left her only the mansion (at what must have seemed the ends of the earth at that time) and it is said she still haunts the place today.

However, every time I’ve been there, I’ve wondered why they called her ‘obese’, or why she considered herself such. All of the pictures show her as completely ‘normal’ weight as far as I can tell. This time when we were there however, I had an epiphany: The definition of ’obese’, official and the public perception of obese, has changed over time. Not only that, but it is different in different places now. ‘Fat’ is a subjective observation. Personally, I consider myself quite svelte now, but my Wii still says I’m overweight and many would still consider me fat to look at me. I don’t consider size 6 ‘fat’, but some really do.

If you read message boards about obesity, you find derogatory, even abusive, remarks from Europeans about ‘fat Americans’ and our gluttonous nature. And here is where a couple of thoughts came together regarding the Simeons hcg protocol ‘loading days’ that I feel are important.

‘Loading days’ are the three days before beginning the VLCD (very low calorie diet) wherein one consumes as much fat as possible. From Pounds and Inches: A New Approach to Obesity by Dr. Simeons:

“Most patients who have been struggling with diets for years and know how rapidly they gain if they let themselves go are very hard to convince of the absolute necessity of gorging for at least two days, and yet this must he insisted upon categorically if the further course of treatment is to run smoothly. Those patients who have to be put on forced feeding for a week before starting the injections usually gain weight rapidly - four to six pounds in 24 hours is not unusual - but after a day or two this rapid gain generally levels off. In any case, the whole gain is usually lost in the first 48 hours of dieting. It is necessary to proceed in this manner because the gain re-stocks the depleted normal reserves, whereas the subsequent loss is from the abnormal deposits only.”

Note that he actually uses the word, ‘gorging’. I keep up with many lists/groups for this protocol, besides talking people through the process. And over the last year and a half, I’ve come to see that there are many interpretations of what this means.

Taking these directions quite literally when I began, for me this is what a loading day might look like:

Breakfast: 1 Egg McMuffin with cheese and bacon, hashbrowns, coffee with cream and sugar
Snack: 1 donut
Lunch: Peanut butter sandwich and 1-2 cups potato chips
Snack: 1/2 cup Ben & Jerry’s
Dinner: 1/3 of an order of Fettucini Alfredo (most places serve about what, say Olive Garden does) and ½ to ¾ of a piece of cheesecake, depending on if I split it with my husband or tried to eat it on my own.

A day like that would leave me feeling absolutely full and ill all day and into the night. I didn’t sleep well. As I talked to other people, I found that for some, this entire day is ONE meal! For some, ‘gorging’ for a meal means a pound of bacon and a 4 inch stack of pancakes with a side of potatoes for breakfast; 2 or 3 Big Mac meals with shakes and a whole package of Oreos for lunch; an entire pizza and quart of ice cream for dinner.

So with my own clients, I started stressing that while Simeons did say to eat as much fat as possible, and he did say to ‘gorge’, the point is NOT to feel as horrible as possible. I also emphasize that this is not a ‘carb load’. People who choose to load up on sugar are likely going to have a ‘sugar hangover’ with irritability, a headache and perhaps shakiness for the first few days. It is far better to ‘load’ with healthy fats like nuts, cheese, olive oil, coconut oil, avocado, oily fish, etc. than garbage, BUT if there is something someone will miss, like that piece of cheesecake, they should have one. ONE.

Ok, so how does this stuff on loading relate to Genevieve and my epiphany? Well, another thing I tell people is that we have to look at what Simeons wrote and practiced in context. The protocol works if we stick to it as closely as possible, but for instance he didn’t list tuna on his approved foods. In the 40s and 50s when he was working on his theory and helping people in Italy, tuna was packed in oil. It is a wonderful low-fat protein if it is packed in water, which is easy to find now. Another example would be that he allows lipstick, but not lipbalm. It might be that lipsticks known to him contained mineral oil, whereas lipbalm might have consisted of those nutritive oils that are absorbed by the skin, like olive oil. OR it might just be that being a male doctor in a chauvinistic time and place, he could not conceive of a woman not wearing lipstick.

Putting all of that together, it occurred to me that ‘gorging’ might likewise be a relative term. What exactly did Simeons mean by it? Remember, he was in Italy. Prior to that, he worked in India, and he was from England. Even today, European portion sizes are vastly different than what Americans consume. Not only that, but looking at this graph you can see that what was considered a serving size in the 40s and 50s was about 1/3 (or less) than what a ‘serving size’ is today. This link is a visual of the serving sizes just 20 years ago.

So what did Simeons really mean? I think that, like with Genevieve who may or may not have been ‘obese’ by today’s standards, we have to take into consideration what Simeons really meant considering the time and places that his ideas originated. He did not mean consuming an entire week’s worth of groceries in one day, I’m sure of it. Yes, he allowed a lot of crap, but besides the amount of calories in that crap, there is a psychological benefit to allowing oneself to eat something that, if they tell themselves they can’t have it for 3 months, is going to make them feel deprived and tempted.

So, this time, I am going to test my theory.

Physically, I don't think I could consume the amount I provided in the example of my first loading day even. Since that time, I've not loaded to that extent, just because I didn't want to feel as gross as I did the first time around. Granted, that first round worked the best of all of them, but I felt horrible for those 3 days of loading. This time, I'm not purposely 'loading' to a point of discomfort, but I am going the full 3 days, and I am staying away from sugar for the most part. I had snack that consisted of a piece of sugar-free cheesecake today, for instance. It was a 2" x 2" square, with blueberries. I had a bagal with cream cheese for lunch. I had 2 pieces Ezekiel Bread with butter and 3 slices of bacon for breakfast. I intended to have a couple of ounces of cheese or cottage cheese too, but I was too full after the toast and bacon. It is more bread than I planned on (even though the toast is sprouted and not flour) and I'm hoping that doesn't come back and bite me. Frankly, I still feel almost uncomfortably full right now and it's after 2:30 pm, so I'm thinking the hcg is doing it's job and tomorrow I'm super ready to just get on with it.

Really???

Ok, I had to blog this just because it's asinine.
Over the last two days, the scale says I'm up two pounds (putting me at an all time high since November 2009) while my dh is DOWN 3.5 lb. in the same two days, doing the exact same things, and eating the exact same amounts of the exact same foods.
Since the 4th weekend, I lost what I had gained over the holiday, with steady losses all week.
Friday we both had some time off and made plans that commenced with dinner together that night.
Well, that's not exactly right. We had a yoga date Thursday night, and then had to grocery shop for your weekend.
So anyway, Friday, I cooked protocol/stabilization friendly trip foods. I made herbed eggs, no wheat/no sugar biscuits, mom's (no)potato salad and allowable blueberry cheesecake.
I had done an hour-and-a half of yoga one day, biked to work and back on Thursday (8-9 miles round trip) and did just he sun salutation series a few times with dh to stretch that ride out.
Friday, I did taste test while I was cooking because all of these were new or variations on stuff I'd tried just once or twice before. But with each test, I'd have halve and dh would have half and tell me what he thought.
We had steak that night for dinner, his twice the size of mine and mine a choice cut at that. Nothing else.
I had two glass of wine out on the patio...didn't finish the 2nd; he had a couple of his drinks (whiskey).
Sat. we made egg/muffin sandwiches with the low carb biscuits, had some coffee, and loaded the bikes to go 'up nort'. (It's a 'Sconsin thing.) We ended up doing quite a bit more riding in the car than we planned, but ultimately did get out and a.) hike a big ass hill and b.) ride 5 miles in the woods, the latter half of that trip trying to out run a thunder storm that was moving in off the lake.
Our road food left dh starving, while I was quite satiated the whole time. We packed LOTS of H2O (no sodas or anything else), 1 small serving (>1/2 cup or so) each of the (no)potato salad, 1 2 in. sq. ea. of the cheesecake, 2 apples (that did not get eaten...we were full at lunch and didn't eat them, but forgot about them in the cooler), a nut/dried berry trail-mix, Jay Robb protein shakes (also not consumed becuase we never stopped to pick up goats milk) and Atins bars.
The things we ate had no sugar or starches and are typically things that make us lose. However, I had 'gained' 1.1 lb. the day after the steak (as usual, unless it's the ONLY thing I eat all day as part of a IF (Intermittent Fast) and I didn't recover from that yet.
I will say, because I 'followed the rules' and because my rings and clothes are fitting normally, even in the heat and humidity when I usually have to take the rings off, I'm going to assume that I'm building muscle or something.
I would have been in a tailspin in the past! Honestly, if I had hCG in my possession, I'd probably panick and start another round right now, because I don't like seeing the scale where it is!
But, I'm going to breathe deeply, ride again today, yoga again today, beach it again today, eat what I know works for me again today, and trust that tomorrow I'll be down. I may make some smooth move tea just to make sure I'm weighing only my actual weight and nothing else, and I'll have an all protein day.
Oh, I did weigh a couple of hours later than the last few days, too. That always makes a difference, and usually no in my favor.
But how frustrating it is to be with someone 24/7, doing the exact same things...even eating LESS and having almost exact opposite results. That SUCKS!

Navigating a holiday weekend

I survived the 4th of July no worse for the wear!

We traveled to Michigan for a long (really long...5 days!) weekend, meaning we were on the road two full days. We split the first part of the trip into two 5-hour days of driving, and the trip home was a full 8 hours.

We did not have our own scale with us. We barely fit all the junk did take into our car! I did weigh on my dad's scale our last day there, and it said I was the same as I was on my scale the day I left. That was encouraging because last time his scale was 4 lb. heavier than mine, and he said it was about that difference between his scale and his doctor's. So, I figured I actually might have lost a little, but I knew I didn't gain.

On my scale at home (after a full day of NO movement in the car) I was up a little less than a lb. Today I'm down a couple of tenths of a lb. I'm really close to my plus-2 lb. weight, which is up a little more than I want to be, but within the realm of decent.

I did party more than usual, but I make sure I had a bottle of water for every glass of wine. I chose cheese from the buffet table, and make decent choices at restaurants for the most part. I gave away most of the fries that came with my chicken or burgers...all total for the weekend I had about 20 fries and a 1/2 dozen chips. I had one 2 x 2 brownie. Otherwise, I ate food I brought that I know works for me in a pinch (nuts, fruit, Atkins bars) and stuck with cheese, or for breakfast the last day, bacon.

I do think that one thing that saved me was I made cookies and cupcakes from the Healthy Indulgences blog. I knew there would be temptations while eating out, at my step-moms (she's a stellar cook and baker!) and on the road. Having a bag of allowable treats made it really easy to go for those instead.

While I'm certain just being back and living life normally (well, our new normal, which is not quit Grok but close) will bring us back where we want to be, we (dh and I) think we may do a 'steak day' as an Intermittent Fast to bump us back quicker.

Overall, I'm pleased with what I feared would be a setback. Now I'm going to sound like those people I used to hate when I was 210 and say, "If I could only drop those last 10 lb. before our next vacation..." ;-)

Whew!

The last several days have had me in a bit of a panic! I was eating no sugar, no starch as usual, I did yoga four times last week, and I biked several times in the last week as well...5 miles twice and 10 miles once. I slept well, had no stress and drank lots of water. Still, every day, I gained until I was well past the 2 lb. limit and 3 or 4 lb. past where I've become comfortable.

I didn't know what to switch up because I wasn't doing anything 'wrong'! So, instead of doing a steak day (since I'm not stabilizing or in a 'maintenance' phase...just living small!) I just trusted that if I was behaving, there must be a reason this was happening and it would even out. There were three possibilities as far as I could see: 1. I was not eliminating as much as I was taking in as fast as I was taking it in, even if it was reasonable and appropriate amounts 2. I'm on the TOM countdown, perhaps it was water weight, not to mention it was hot and humid and I retain water in those conditions too and 3. perhaps the exercise was helping me build muscle (even though I wasn't sore or anything) and I was retaining water during that process.

Anyway, this a.m. I'm back in the 'normal' range, down 1.5 lb. and happy again. I need to start charting this to determine when I'm most likely to weigh accurate and then cut back to once or twice a week weigh-ins. Believe it or not--and 2 years ago I never would have believed it myself--I almost look forward to that weigh in every morning. It's become a habit and I miss it when I don't do it! Logically, I know that the scale is not what is keeping me steady, but it feels like if I don't do it I will gain. Even if I'm doing everything 'right' I feel like if I miss a few days I'll get on and all will be lost.

Anyway, for those also on the journey, or who are at the same point, I thought it might be instructive to know that even when it seems like "your going the wrong way", that may not be the case.

Have a fantastic day!

It's been a while...

It has been a long time since I posted, but life has been insane!

Keeping steady at the same place. It hasn't been too hard.

Last week, I attended a potluck and realized that the only thing there I was willing to eat was what I brought, which was a tomato, feta cuke salad. EVERYTHING else on the table had sugar or grains. 3 kinds of cookies, Dilly Bars, corn chips (with dip), potato chips (with dip), sloppy joes on buns...I think that was it. Nothing I was willing to work off.

Today, however, we ate at a nice restaurant. I did eat bread dipped in olive oil & basalmic vinegar. 2 thin slices. I ordered a chicken breast that was not oily or sweet that came with carrots, potatoes with roasted garlic and rosemary and spinach. I ate the spinach, a few slices of carrot, and a few 1 inch cubes of potato. Dave ate some too, and there were still some on the plate, so that tells you how few we ate. They were normal 'side' portions.

I did not have wine with dinner (lots of water though) but we did order a tiramisu and we split it. It was divine. Earlier we had ridden almost 5 miles through the woods...which is like 20 freakin' miles on pavement once you account for the fact that you have to keep a faster pace than the 'skeeters (and can't stop to rest for the same reason), and you must contend with sand and hills. Lots of both. We figured the 1.5 by 3 inch bit of desert, which was not very sweet anyway, was probably burned off earlier. We also rode about 10 miles on a paved bike trail the day before.

So, I hope it didn't set me back too much. We'll see.

First Steak Day in Last Round (ever?)

I made it through the first week of stabilization just fine, but then blew it over the holiday weekend!

Granted, most of the stuff was 'allowable'...I tried Miracle Noodles (no calories, no carbs, no sugar, no starch) and I made low carb treats from the Healthy Indulgences site (gluten-free, sugar-free, but unfortunately not-calorie free!) as I experimented with making stuff with natural sugar substitutes besides stevia. Either of these would likely have been ok alone, but not only did I try them both in the same weekend, I then spent 10 hours cleaning my carpets and moving furniture (and was sore for the next two days) and I had one more glass of wine that I knew my body would allow (for the purposes of weight...I wasn't blotto or anything),which I also had too soon after dinner (I've discovered if I drink wine with food, it shows up on the scale. If I wait, it doesn't as long as I only have about 6-8 oz.-or about two 3 oz. glasses.)

So I threw all that in there in one weekend, and I was up over the two lb. mark. I knew that likely if I just took it easy yesterday, I would probably be fine, but I didn't want to take that chance. The Miracle Noodles are pure fiber that doesn't digest, but does absorb water. Sore muscles hold water to heal. The wine and sugar free treats did bump up my calorie count, but I suspected once all the water was out of my system, I'd be somewhere close to where I should be. Like I said though, if I was wrong, my window was gone, so I didn't want to risk it.

I did the steak day yesterday and was down 2.8 today.

For breakfast, we had a 3-cheese asparagus omelet (I had about one egg, Dave had two) and 1 cup of strawberries (I had chocolate stevia with mine, Dave had none). For lunch we are planning a picnic, and I will have tuna and a tomato/cuke salad. I don't know what Dave will have; maybe the same, maybe something more substantial. We'll take some macs with us when we go out gallivanting in case we hike or something and need a little extra protein. If Chelsea goes with us, she'll probably have something grain based, and that will make me sad.

For dinner, I'm planning a chicken/Gorgonzola salad with apple slices (or pear?) and a few pecans. I know with that plan, and the amount of studying I'll be doing and the phsycial exercise we'll incorporate into the day, I should be on track. (Just FYI, the brain uses up to 500 calories worth of fuel to function, while my hike may burn 350 or so.)

During the week, as long as I plan ahead, I'll be too busy to get off track at all.

Surpirse!

I thought that steak last night would do me in, all things considered. But I'm down .7 lb. this a.m.!

Yesterday, I had an apple, 2 slices of bacon and several cups of coffee with heavy cream for breakfast. I had a handful of nuts for a snack, and then a deviled egg later. All total I had 3 deviled eggs over the course of the day.

We ate dinner early, and that consisted of a big steak (I'd say a good 6 or 7 oz.) and roasted green beans with pine nuts, garlic cloves and balsamic vinegar.

I made 'fudge', a recipe I found that was similar to Choco-delite but with almond butter in place of most of the coconut oil. [Note: I'll try this again with less almond butter and more coconut oil, because while it was ok, it was very, very sticky and too...almond-y.] I had several nibbles at various stages to see how it was turning out.

It was so nice, we hung out on the patio far too late and I enjoyed 3 3 oz. glasses of wine. Three. Along with the steak, I was figuring that alone would make today a steak day, but then add in lack of sleep from the late bedtime, and the obnoxious little bird that merrily decided 3 am was a great time to begin a 2-hour LOUD song fest and yes, I will say again I was pleasantly surprised to have a large loss instead of a gain.

Bless me Goddess for I have sinned...

Eh. Whatever.
I gained .4, I lost .4, but for the first few days I stuck like glue. This weekend, I broke into the Merlot.

I did yoga and biked, so for the most part I think I'm ok. I made eggs in case I need to do an 'egg day' since Dave won't be able to cook me steak for a 'steak day'. I had steak today, in any case, and I don't like it enough to do it two days in a row. When I eat it other than during a 'steak day' where it is the ONLY thing I eat, it makes me gain, so I anticipate at least a small gain tomorrow.

But other than today, I'm staying under my recommended calorie count (even with the wine) and no sugars or starches (ok, the blue cheese was pre-crumbled, but I got some more today that isn't) so I'm all good. I'm eating less dairy , more raw, and going easy on the bacon, unlike last time. I'm eating sort of a cross between 'primal' and 'paleo'. I'm not worrying about fat, just counting it and keeping it on the down-low a little bit...not avoiding it. I'm eating mostly tuna, eggs and chicken for my protein, with cheese in small amounts for flavor, like a seasoning instead of a primary protein. I am going easy on the nuts, but I am eating them on average once per day, early in the day. I'm eating a couple of veggies and fruits per day. I am drinking coffee (with cream) only in the a.m. and wine only in the p.m. just in the last two days. Otherwise, I'm drinking water or the stevia packets that are meant to be like Crystal packets for bottled water.

So, for now, I'm ok as far as stabilizing. Granted, it's only been 5 days, with 3 of those pretty much protocol days without hCG, but it's looking decent.

I'm aware, hardly fair

Sometimes I have clients who get very discouraged because they aren't seeing typical results, or because they are doing the exact same thing as someone else they know on protocol (or are sticking to protocol even more rigidly!) and not getting similar results.

Last night, I was at an event. Events are hard on protocol, but my dh was being honored for some work in the community, so it was important to be there.

I ate before I left so I wouldn't be tempted to eat there. I didn't eat there, nor did I have any wine, though as you know if you've been following, I really, really wanted some!

He did really well. His strategical approach was different however. He did have a glass of wine, and he did eat, but he ate the steamed veggies (not ones on the list, but a decent choice non-the-less) and he ate the chicken...he just took the pastry off and scraped off the cream sauce. He ate no bread or rice. (BTW, he explained this to me, I was not monitoring him...I'm a mentor, I do not police my clients. The scale holds them accountable, not me-unless they choose to use me for that purpose.)

I'm curious to see how he did because I gained .2 today.

Giving up the ghost

For the last two weeks I've been essentially the same. I've remained at a BMI of around 24, and I am just barely under the 130 mark. It's not where I wanted to be, but at the rate I'm going, there's no way I'll make my goal (5.1 lb. away still) in the next two weeks.

And I'm hungry. I know I had a zero loss today because I had to have some extra protein yesterday...twice. I was so hungry it hurt.

This is the lowest I've been, and have been able to stay, in the last 6 months, but I seem to get hung up right about here. Over the holidays, it was where everything stopped working. The last round, it's where I was stuck. Now again. Maybe it's not because I messed up the last two rounds...maybe it's just where I need to be and I should stop trying to force my body to be smaller. I'm comfortable here, and I'm actually at a place where people say, "You aren't going this AGAIN, are you?" It's not the goal I had in mind 18 months ago when I began on this path, but maybe it's where I am supposed to be and I should just accept it. I just wish I would have come to that conclusion before paying the big bucks!

So, no shot today. Today and tomorrow will be 500 calorie days. I'm taking my stabilization and maintenance very seriously. Last time I got a little lazy. The last two times, actually. I added stuff too soon once, and frankly I just think nothing worked right last time, so the 'locking in' part didn't either. This time, everything worked like it was supposed to (including my body, I'm trusting) so I think it will be easier. I just have to be patient...that will be the hard part! :-)

I'm still standing

The hunger passed for the most part, so I kept going. I'm up .2 lb. this a.m. but that could just be the difference in weighing earlier. I told myself I'd keep going as long as I didn't gain, but I don't think it's a gain because I feel smaller. I'll know more when I try on clothes for work.

I debate every day whether I want to keep going. I'm 5.7 lb. away from goal, and I have up to 2 more weeks to go. As Dave reminded me, I started this on my b-day, so 6 weeks is the end of May. It makes sense to continue to the end of the week since I already have my hCG, and I won't be working so hard, so perhaps I won't be so hungry and my body not so sore.

So, I keep going...for now.

I am so ready to end this!

I don't know if I'll make my goal. I may be about as far as I'm going to go.

Today was a .4 lb. release. I tell my clients to look at the big picture when they get this far into it and have stalls or small losses, and I'm telling myself that 2 days in a row of .4 lb. equals .8 lb., which is almost a pound and will equal almost 3 lb. in a week. That would be almost 6 lb. in two weeks, and that would be almost my goal.

But I went to bed early last night because I was hungry. I woke up hungry and had a handful of South Beach approved nuts because it was only 7:30 am and I knew I'd never make it to lunch, even if I had an apple. I was up and down a ladder yesterday, mudding some drywall on a ceiling, which made my right arm weak, so I know that plays into it. I'm sore today. But if I'm going to be hungry and this is going to take willpower, I don't know if I want that last few pounds bad enough!

The carpet guys are here, and after that I'll be busy getting my basement back together, and then cleaning, plus school and work; maybe I won't notice hunger so much? We'll see.

I'll take it

Down .4 lb. today. This is not enough to mitigate the upward turn of yesterday's .7 gain, but at least it's going in the right direction. I'm still in the 'normal' range, but just by the skin of my teeth.

My only 'goal' at this point is to be at 129 by Monday. That's only 2 lb., so I should be able to do that in 6 days. I better or I quit! I'd really like to make my ultimate goal of 124 before I quit for good and for real. Everything is working like it should, so I don't know why I couldn't expect that, but this is always a journey of acceptance of what my body wants, not always what I want.

Seriously?

I am up .7 of a lb. and that's horseshit!

I refuse to do an apple day. Even though I'm not impressed with the last week's total, I feel something here isn't right, and I' going to ride it out. IF I went the rest of the week with stalls or gains I might consider drastic measures. As it is, so far I'm just annoyed.

I actually woke up and FELT bigger today, so the gain was no surprise when I stepped on. However, I just can't see where it would have come from, other than that Coco-delight I had. It's not been a problem before, but perhaps it was this time. I took the risk, this may be the price.

So, today, I'm doing 1/2 hour of the infrared sauna, I'm going back to cabbage (I was out for a couple of days, thus eating cukes and salad, alternately) and strawberries or grapefruit (I was out so was eating just apples).

Mentally, I'm nearing the end. I'll try a few things to see if my body is getting there too.

Down another pound!

So, it's not much for two days worth of releasing, but it's something and again, going in the right direction. My Wii says 6.6 or 6.8 lb. away from goal...I can't recall exactly. Anyway, it was a little bit closer. I got my B12 today, so if things continue as they have, that will boost me a little.

I am fitting into some smaller pants today. I was thinking this weekend, I don't know how much difference another6 lb. will make. Will I really feel that much smaller? Is it really worth two more weeks of the same boring foods? I mean, it is because I'm goal oriented, but how much difference will it make? Funny how in any other program, or at other points in my life--even when I first started this program--every ounce counted. Now, it's not as big of a concern for me just because I can't imagine it will make much of a difference.

But it must. I mean, I think these pants are a 6 and last week the 8s fit well. Stuff is getting too big (or rather I'm getting small!) but as far as how I feel it's pretty much the same. Of course, in another 6 lb. or more, that may change. Shrinking out of something always makes it more real than the numbers on the scale.

My basement will be done by the end of the week and I'll be able to do Wii and yoga again. I miss it! And it's been too cold and crappy to walk. I'm looking forward to moving my body!

Skip Day

Yesterday was a .2 gain, and today is a no weigh day as I got up so late that I missed the window of opportunity.

I wasn't too worried about a .2 int he wrong direction, only because I was still below the 'normal' line. :-) That, and I have stuck to protocol strictly, and knowing it works if you work it, I'm not concerned. I'm just now moving into week 4, with 2 more to go, and I've not felt the need for macs or anything! I stuck strictly until last night when I had a piece of chocolate delight. It wasn't even because I needed it really, it was because I licked the spoon when I made it for my honey and it tasted good, so I had a piece when it was done. It's not impacted me in a negative way before, so I'm not worried about that either. I'm not making a habit of it. It was a conscious choice knowing there might be consequences, but most other times, one piece didn't even show up, or even seemed to precipitate a bigger release.

I'm confident I can make my goal in two weeks, but I am looking forward to stabilization, I must say. There are things I'm starting to miss. I wouldn't call it hard, but there are more and more moments as I go along. I'm hoping those last 8 lb. or so are worth it, but who knows? I can't imagine I'll feel much smaller, and I'm not sure what size I'll be into at that point. I feel really good right now, but I'm still going a.) because I paid for it and b.) to see if I can.

Still normal!

Last time I was in this range, it was only for a day. I think it only happened a couple of times, and both times it was short-lived. This time, I'm still going in the right direction at least! I'm 7.5 lb. away from my goal!

When I first started almost a year-and-a-half ago, I hoped I'd reach 124, or a size 5. This is where I had spent much of high school and my early 20s and was quite comfortable there...if I had been listening to myself instead of the reject doctor who told me I needed to lose 10 lb. (actually that was when I was 112-116), or a couple of guys who were 'just trying to be honest' to told me my butt was big, or the family member who patrolled my every bite and told me how fat I was going to be if I ate this or ate that.

But in pictures, I see myself as where I should have been all along. I see my sense of style was my own. I didn't have a self-loathing yet. In fact I was obnoxiously confident...except about my weight when those comments made me question my own perceptions and feel a little crazy at the cognitive dissonance.

Anyway, starting this journey, I would have been happy with a size 10-12 at somewhere around 145. I wasn't sure a 50 lb. drop was within reach, much less nearly double that. Last time I was 132 was the year after high school when I had my engagement picture taken (I then spent the next year getting down to 102, and when right back up to about 124-6 for a few years) and I didn't look like I do now. I looked heavier. Or maybe it's all relative?

Now I'm within reach of that goal. I'm at NORMAL on the Wii! Why that makes me happy I cannot say. I used to have a bumper sticker that said, "Why be normal?" which was sort of my philosophy of life. Ironic.

I won't weigh again for a couple of days as my Wii is still in my living room as my basement is tore up, but it looks like some lovely men are going to be working to fix that this weekend!! Between their efforts and the carpet guys, who should call any time now and be able to get that carpet in within a couple of days, I will be starting to move stuff back where it belongs. Yay! In any case, I should be able to weigh in Monday morning at least, and it should remain where it is. I may even be a couple of pounds closer to my goal!!!

This is a good thing, because last night was rough. First of all, I got out of class early. Sometimes that is occasion to kick my feet up with a glass of wine. Wanted to. Couldn't.

Then I walk in the house and my dau had been cooking food. To be fair, even though I've asked her not to cook late at night, she didn't expect me home for another couple of hours. Still, within minutes, my stomach hurt and I was fighting the urge to eat something...anything. So, I went to bed. It was the only solution I could think of that would keep me from me from messing up the day's victory. It worked. As far as I know I didn't get up in my sleep and raid the kitchen.

Tiara day!

Whoop, whoop!

I hit 'normal' again today! I am at a 24.something BMI and 132 lb., I think. I know I am 7.7 lb. away from my goal!

This round is working like it should, perhaps better with the addition of the B12MIC, the mesotheapy and the infrared sauna so unlike last time, this stop on 'normal' is on the way down and I don't fear I'll lose it. The grasp may bump up a little (though I hope not) but I have no doubt I can reach my goal in the next two weeks. I won't have to do a full 6-week round! If I do choose to do so, I may even reach the Wii's goal for me, if it's healthy for me to do so. I know my body won't let me go there if it's not.

What I noticed today...

This morning I was down 1.1? 1.6? Something like that. The longer I do this, the less important the increments are. As long as I'm feeling good (I am), and moving down (I am...even with the fits and starts) it is the final goal what is important to me now. That 'normal' line is getting closer again, and that is still my goal, so as long as keep rockin' toward that, I'm fine. Sure, I'd love to get comfortably into that zone in the next week or two, but if it takes me double that, like I said, if I feel good and can make progress, I'm all about it.

So, what I noticed today was how much I look like my mother. I don't know if it's what I'm wearing, or the weight I'm at, or what my hair is doing today, but I've had several moments where I passed a mirror and was struck by how much we look a like. There are no additional insights :-) just that it is a fact.

Turn around! You're going the wrong way!

You have to say that with an Aussie accent. It used to crack my husband up when my Tom Tom would tell us to correct ourselves with statement when we made a wrong turn.

So anyway, up .2 lb. today and that is certainly the wrong way.

Sore, sore, sore, sore, sore today. I slept like a rock last night I was so tired, but my body is hurting a good bit.

Yesterday, I was rushing around so much I never did get around to eating my veggie, which meant I was hungry mid-afternoon. I had set out nuts and fruit for my pregnant ladies, and decided that knowing how my body reacts to the smallest amounts of sugar, a few nuts would be my best corrective action (as opposed to adding a fruit in place of the lost veggie). Then later, because I also didn't get a chance to go shopping and had fed my organic apples to the guests, I had a pear with my dinner. I figured it was close to an apple and I had it in the fridge. It must have been there awhile because I'm the only one who likes pears in this house.

Anyway, it would seem I was wrong on both counts and paid with a .2 gain...after a zero day. Wrong way!

But, I'm not starving, so I've not hit immunity. My only course of action is to keep on keepin' on. 3 or 4 zeros and I'd have to worry, but knowing how weird this week has been (and the next week or two may be, with the carpet people coming, new classes starting, people helping with basement finishing and my SIL here. I'm excited about all of it! It just drives me a little batty to have my house is such disarray. AND I never got a chance to clean my carpet, which now may not happen until all of the work is done and stuff is re-organized. So shoot, it could be a month of relative chaos and frequent heavy lifting and or/stairs, all on 500 calories. I hope the rest of the round doesn't mirror this weekend!

Oh! Today is my first 'skip day'. I thought about it last Sunday (just because I can be such a space case, I wanted my skip day to be on Sunday so I'd be more likely to remember it) but I hadn't been taking hCG for quite a week. So, eating my 500 calories of the same selections, but no shot today.

Every. Muscle. Hurts.

Here is the reason to avoid strenuous exercise during protocol: it appears to be a zero day.

Yesterday, I had to get some plastering and painting done because the carpet will be here next week and I'll have no other opportunity. So, I worked in the basement all day (and it was GORGEOUS out, but that resentment is another story) getting this stuff done. I ate strictly protocol, even though I really wanted to congratulate myself on a job well done by kicking my feet up with some chocolate and a glass of wine. And today is a zero day.

Now, form experience, I know that because my body is SO sore, I am retaining water, to mend the muscles I used that I didn't know I had. That LOOKS like a no release day (or sometimes a gain day...so I'm good with a zero) but in reality, when the water is gone, there will be a big drop. At least there better be!

Otherwise, it looks as if there may be a new pattern here...a couple of days of decent drops, and then a zero day. We'll just have to see if it continues.

Today, I'll be teaching for 6-7 hours, so really sitting for the most part. I have a small patch of painting to do, and if I can find the stain, a little on the stairs. Then we will be hauling stuff out of the basement and trying to find a place to put it for a few days, and THEN we'll be ready for carpet.

It really stresses me out to have my house in such disarray. Plus, my dau figures she's going to be moving out soon, so we have some furniture that we are essentially just storing until she goes, thus we are moving stuff that is just going to be moved again in a few weeks. I will feel so much better when it's done, my carpet has been cleaned (not the new, the old) and everything is in its place!

What an absolutely beautiful day!

I didn't have to get up before dawn, I'm on the patio soaking up the sun with a cup of java...life is good.

Last night was not so good. I was so hungry it was painful, but I know why. I had to stay up late to finish a 4 page take-home essay quiz, and I didn't 'secure my environment'. My daughter came home from school and started baking yummy smelling stuff and then eating it just few feet away. I thought I could handle it, but my stomach was growling so loud it would have been comical if it weren't so painful. I wanted what she was having. I wanted a glass of wine. I wanted cookies, or chocolate. I had a handful of macadamia nuts and I'm only down .7 lb. today. I know it would have been more without the nuts, but I also know had I started in on any of the things I actually wanted (all of which were in the house) I likely wouldn't have stopped and I'd be UP 3 lb. today. I just could not give myself permission to do that. There was nothing I could say to myself to make that ok.

So where that leaves me today is back in the ten-point-something range of my goal weight. I'm still not down to the lowest I had been last time, but within my comfort range. I'm confident I can reach my goal in the 3-4 weeks I have left in this round. The only variable I'm concerned about is that today I'll be in the basement (that just kills me since it BEAUTIFUL today) with plaster and paint, up and down stairs and ladders about a billion times. I don't know how that will play out on 500 calories. I know I can stick to the program without issue because I'll be covered in paint, thus only eating when I'm not. Tomorrow, with my classes, I'll only be able to eat before and after, so again, no problem with sticking to it. I tend to not even be hungry when I'm teaching just because I'm doing my favorite thing...talking about birth!

So, it will be interesting the next couple of days.

Zero days get me down

I wasn't on yesterday because I had one of those zero days...and because I was crazy busy.
A zero so early in the program was not something I wanted to see, but whataugonnado?

Today, down 1.5 lb. That's better.

Last night was a beautiful night, and I finished another class. I really wanted a glass of wine. Last time I think I complained about that every night. This time, not so much.

Dave thinks because I was exercising so much before this that my results would be more impressive, and he's right I'm sure. I haven't had time! I'm squeezing a full term class into two weeks! (Or I was.) Fortunately, work is just busy enough that it wasn't driving me over the edge, but I will say the state of the basement is causing me anxiety.

I'm very happy that it's getting done much quicker than we intended. I know there is a reason for everything, and things feel into place for reasons we just cannot currently see. But I hate that currently it's a mess and it will be until the carpet is in, which could be a couple of weeks, AND somehow now I have to find time to blend in the plaster texture, prime it and match the paint to the previous work...all within the next two weeks, and all while I start two new classes and work. I'd be putting my guest to work, except it's not anything that even Dave can do...I did the original work. I'm the only one that's going to get it the same.

Oh well...it all works out the way it's supposed to. Sorry about the dust and fumes, sis (the house guest that may get put to work). ;-)

Briefly...

Down .9 lb. today, which is nothing to complain about, but it it still will take me all week to get down to the absolute lowest I was before at this rate.

The good thing is that it is happening like it is supposed to, and I feel like it's coming off differently. I can't explain it except that I feel smaller than I did at this weight before. One of my favorite skirts...which never was too big even at my lowest...is loose today.

Last night I didn't get to eat my veggie. I had my fruit and melba before my presentation, didn't get home until 8:30, but knew I had to at least have my protein. I did, but didn't really want it. I wasn't hungry at all. And I didn't want to eat that late. I'll try to do better today.

I hope the very least this blog shows that there is no perfection in living life on protocol. It's a precise program. It's unforgiving in a lot of respects, but we do the best we can as we fit it into our lives.

Well that was depressing

Even though I feel like I am close to my smallest weight throughout this process, my Wii says I've lost 1.1 lb. in the 8 days since I've last weighed, with not quite a week of protocol under my belt.

Now, rationally, I can look at this and say I was up almost 5 lb. over that two month (plus) period when I struggled to stabilize. At some point after the 6 week mark I gave up trying. But I know that last weigh in scared me enough to risk jumping back in now (and spending a lot of money to do it) instead of waiting until August. Being able to feel that it was more difficult to go up the stairs and not fitting into clothes in a way that felt right panicked me a little

So the weekend before my birthday, I didn't weigh. That weekend we partied, eating and drinking indiscriminately, then I loaded. Knowing that I likely released around 10 lb. this week, that would mean between those two things I must have gained 10 lb. Well, maybe not quite because I did that adjustment of 2 lb. on the scale as well by choosing the +/-0 option instead of the +/-2 lb. option.

Anyway, it was depressing, no matter what my logical mind says.

So today, I have appointments all morning, and I have a presentation about the program tonight. I'm all set for that except for set up after the wellness center closes, so I think I'm going to hit the infrared sauna. In fact, I'm going to see where I can fit that in several times per week to maximize this effort. Between that, the B12 MIC and the Mesotherapy, I should be able to do better than ever before. By the end of this week, I should be below where I was last time, and on my way to my goal.

There has been no 'cheating'. Actually ever, in the year-plus-I've been off and on this-depending on how you define cheating. I have 'tweaked' in times of actual hunger, with items that are not strictly protocol, but are necessary to assuage a real need with blood sugar, substituting what I may crave with something less damaging. Like protocol chocolate for real chocolate with sugar, or 8-12 macs when I know there is no way I'll make it through a day without passing out because my work load, waking ours or stress level requires a few more calories.

For dinner, lettuce, chicken, grissini, grapefruit, in approved sized. For lunch, cabbage, chicken, grissini, grapefruit. Water, water, water, water all day. Regular coffee in the a.m., decaf in the p.m., with just stevia. Feeling good and sleeping well (except for last night...what is it about Sundays?). Hungry on occasion, but usually just before meals or at the end of really long days, and even then, not a gnawing hunger. Just annoying.

Later-

It's very weird to be in the position of telling people I'm doing another round and then have to justify it because they insist I shouldn't be doing that.

According to my BMI, I am overweight. Granted, I am much smaller than I was. But I am very short, and while I look and feel good, I have not reached my goal, and the strangeness of that last round made me hesitant to just try to get their the usual way. I don't know that I am close enough for my body to pick up the pace and hook into a pound a week release. It wasn't looking that way.

Anyway, I couldn't believe that I felt sort of defensive...like I had to explain to some stranger why I was trying to get smaller. That has never, ever happened that I remember.