I'm up .9 this morning, and considering I know my calorie count was under 1500 yesterday, I'm thinking that the either the milk sugars in the goats milk got me, or there is just nothing I can do here.
The protein mix in the shakes I consumed had no sugars, and the calorie count for each shake was 310. The goat's milk is low in carbohydrate, but has 10 g. of sugar (I'm assuming lactose...milk sugars) which I didn't think would be a problem.
Maybe they aren't. Maybe this is normal, and my body is just trying to be where it wants, or this is a variation and tomorrow I'll be down 2 lb. Who knows? I know I don't have another steak day in me just yet, thus, it is what it is.
I am sore all over from scrubbing all my floors thrice yesterday. Also could be the problem. This calls for some yoga.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Thoughts of yesterday
First of all, brief update: down .4 today, 2 protein shakes so far today, planning an apple for a snack and tomato/basil/mozzarella salad for dinner.
Yesterday, we went for a bike ride; about 8-10 miles alone the Lake Michigan shoreline. It was beautiful!
During our ride, I saw at least a dozen overweight, obese and morbidly obese people on bikes, walking and on roller blades. I thought, "That was me." I wanted to go up to everyone of them and tell them they don't have to keep struggling, because I was so acutely aware of what it took for them to be out there.
They may very well enjoy walking, biking and skating. I know I did. But every outing carried the risk of ridicule...people mooing or yelling 'get your fat ass off the road'.
Every outing was laborious...no matter how much you enjoy being active and outside, it's just HARDER when you carry that much extra weight.
I've said it before, fat people, especially fat people who are active and healthy and who do all the 'right' things, are very aware that they are being judged as lazy and gluttonous by at least one person who does no know them, and likely several, every time they go out. They know that even people they know think they are lazy, and liars to boot, because if they 'really' ate as little as they say and 'really' were as active as they claim, they wouldn't be fat. It's a lie, of course, and the fat people know it. They know they are doing everything they are 'supposed' to be doing, and yet they are fat. It's crazy-making.
Again, I'm not saying that there aren't fat people out there who do just eat too much and move too little. I'm saying that some of us are fat despite all of our best efforts. Those are the big people you see out there walking and biking. And I just wanted to tell them that what they are doing is never going to work if it hasn't already. Doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results is the definition of insanity. I wanted to tell them there is a way to make your outside match your inside, and a way to fix your body so it works right again.
But I didn't, obviously. They'd think I'm a nut. They wouldn't believe me because it seems to good to be true. They wouldn't believe me because it is contrary to everything they think they know is true about being overweight, even though their very experience is prove that what they think they know isn't so.
Sigh.
Yesterday, we went for a bike ride; about 8-10 miles alone the Lake Michigan shoreline. It was beautiful!
During our ride, I saw at least a dozen overweight, obese and morbidly obese people on bikes, walking and on roller blades. I thought, "That was me." I wanted to go up to everyone of them and tell them they don't have to keep struggling, because I was so acutely aware of what it took for them to be out there.
They may very well enjoy walking, biking and skating. I know I did. But every outing carried the risk of ridicule...people mooing or yelling 'get your fat ass off the road'.
Every outing was laborious...no matter how much you enjoy being active and outside, it's just HARDER when you carry that much extra weight.
I've said it before, fat people, especially fat people who are active and healthy and who do all the 'right' things, are very aware that they are being judged as lazy and gluttonous by at least one person who does no know them, and likely several, every time they go out. They know that even people they know think they are lazy, and liars to boot, because if they 'really' ate as little as they say and 'really' were as active as they claim, they wouldn't be fat. It's a lie, of course, and the fat people know it. They know they are doing everything they are 'supposed' to be doing, and yet they are fat. It's crazy-making.
Again, I'm not saying that there aren't fat people out there who do just eat too much and move too little. I'm saying that some of us are fat despite all of our best efforts. Those are the big people you see out there walking and biking. And I just wanted to tell them that what they are doing is never going to work if it hasn't already. Doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results is the definition of insanity. I wanted to tell them there is a way to make your outside match your inside, and a way to fix your body so it works right again.
But I didn't, obviously. They'd think I'm a nut. They wouldn't believe me because it seems to good to be true. They wouldn't believe me because it is contrary to everything they think they know is true about being overweight, even though their very experience is prove that what they think they know isn't so.
Sigh.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Bad combination
Yesterday, I left the house for the day with only enough 'safe' food for a few hours, and we ended up being gone ALL day.
We delivered my dau's cat to her new apartment, meaning I am now an 'empty nester' and my dau is officially embarking on the journey of the rest of her life. So, we were in a celebratory mood, I was hungry by the end of the day AND...the final straw...my favorite restaurant was only 10 min. away.
We went, and initially I was good. No bread from the bread basket, no bun with the burger, no fries or anything...just salad with blue cheese. I did have wine with my dinner, and I did split a piece of cheesecake with my husband.
I dreaded facing the scale this a.m. To make matters worse, we stayed up late last night, and slept in really late today, so I was weighing about 3 or 4 hours later than usual. It's hot and humid, (we don't have the AC on yet) and I can feel my fingers are swollen. There was also likely more salt in restaurant food than I usually use.
All contributing to my weigh in, but none so much as the fact that I had 1000 calories in before we went out to dinner, and likely ate at least 1000-1500 more there.
I was up 1.5, which means I gained back all I lost on the steak day on Friday plus about .2 of a lb. However, after a couple of cups of Smooth Move (TMI, but no 'movement' all weekend, so for the last two days, nothing that's gone in has exited) and a day of bike riding and hiking and eating normal amounts of 'safe' foods for me, I should be able to get a more accurate assessment of where I really am. I can't do another steak day; it's too soon. I've found they don't work well if they are used too often. Besides, I don't enjoy them...I endure them.
We delivered my dau's cat to her new apartment, meaning I am now an 'empty nester' and my dau is officially embarking on the journey of the rest of her life. So, we were in a celebratory mood, I was hungry by the end of the day AND...the final straw...my favorite restaurant was only 10 min. away.
We went, and initially I was good. No bread from the bread basket, no bun with the burger, no fries or anything...just salad with blue cheese. I did have wine with my dinner, and I did split a piece of cheesecake with my husband.
I dreaded facing the scale this a.m. To make matters worse, we stayed up late last night, and slept in really late today, so I was weighing about 3 or 4 hours later than usual. It's hot and humid, (we don't have the AC on yet) and I can feel my fingers are swollen. There was also likely more salt in restaurant food than I usually use.
All contributing to my weigh in, but none so much as the fact that I had 1000 calories in before we went out to dinner, and likely ate at least 1000-1500 more there.
I was up 1.5, which means I gained back all I lost on the steak day on Friday plus about .2 of a lb. However, after a couple of cups of Smooth Move (TMI, but no 'movement' all weekend, so for the last two days, nothing that's gone in has exited) and a day of bike riding and hiking and eating normal amounts of 'safe' foods for me, I should be able to get a more accurate assessment of where I really am. I can't do another steak day; it's too soon. I've found they don't work well if they are used too often. Besides, I don't enjoy them...I endure them.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Decisions, decisions
I am up 1.5 lb. today.
Yesterday, I'm positive did not eat more than 1200 calories; no sugar, no starch. I didn't even have nuts yesterday. I tracked every bite.
I didn't exercise hard enough to initiate water weight retention. I did haul the monster vacuum cleaner to all three floors and did a little Wii, but not strength training or anything.
Thus, I could conclude my body is just adjusting to processing more food and is doing so slowly. I'm not over 2 lb. even from yesterday, so technically, there is no cause for a steak day. My options are, in order of sensibility:
I'm actually leaning toward the last option, mainly because I was already thinking I might have steak tonight. It's Friday, our traditional steak night, for one thing. For another, I haven't had beef in well over a month and it sounded good for tonight. For another, I loathe Smooth Move tea--both the taste and the effects. It works, for sure, but I hate it. I'd rather just not eat today and treat myself to that steak tonight.
Another reason I'm going to tend to be so stringent on keeping that scale steady for the next week is that I'm going to have a little less control next week. I don't want to take chances. I'm exactly where I wanted to be when I started this journey. I'm not losing ground now!
I guess my decision has been made. :-)
Yesterday, I'm positive did not eat more than 1200 calories; no sugar, no starch. I didn't even have nuts yesterday. I tracked every bite.
I didn't exercise hard enough to initiate water weight retention. I did haul the monster vacuum cleaner to all three floors and did a little Wii, but not strength training or anything.
Thus, I could conclude my body is just adjusting to processing more food and is doing so slowly. I'm not over 2 lb. even from yesterday, so technically, there is no cause for a steak day. My options are, in order of sensibility:
ignore it and eat normally today
[in addition to the above] have some Smooth Move tea and see if moving things along changes anything
do a steak day anyway
I'm actually leaning toward the last option, mainly because I was already thinking I might have steak tonight. It's Friday, our traditional steak night, for one thing. For another, I haven't had beef in well over a month and it sounded good for tonight. For another, I loathe Smooth Move tea--both the taste and the effects. It works, for sure, but I hate it. I'd rather just not eat today and treat myself to that steak tonight.
Another reason I'm going to tend to be so stringent on keeping that scale steady for the next week is that I'm going to have a little less control next week. I don't want to take chances. I'm exactly where I wanted to be when I started this journey. I'm not losing ground now!
I guess my decision has been made. :-)
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Whoo hoo!
I was a little worried about this am. I was already hungry yesterday morning, so I started right out the gate with a handful of macs, kicking myself all the way. Then over the course of my day at work, nibbled a protocol meal...cukes, apple, 100g chicken, melba. When I got home, I prepared to teach a class and made my people caprese salad, which I tried before I sprinkled the olive oil on it...so I had about an oz. of mozzarella with my tomato. I had my melba and chicken, but skipped my apple thinking the calorie count was already over by perhaps 100 calories, AND I had fat in the cheese and nuts. I did do 1/2 hour of prayerful yoga that was challenging, but wasn't sure that would mitigate my sins.
So, it was with trepidation I stepped on the scale. I was pleasantly surprised to be down .4 lb.! I'm still in the 124 area, but at the threshold of bumping down. I'm 3.5 lb. away from the Wii goal. Not that I'm shooting for that anymore, I'm feeling pretty skinny at 124, but I didn't reset it, so it will still be counting for another 2 weeks or so.
So, it was with trepidation I stepped on the scale. I was pleasantly surprised to be down .4 lb.! I'm still in the 124 area, but at the threshold of bumping down. I'm 3.5 lb. away from the Wii goal. Not that I'm shooting for that anymore, I'm feeling pretty skinny at 124, but I didn't reset it, so it will still be counting for another 2 weeks or so.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Tiara Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nope, I didn't reach my Wii goal of 121 (which I just realized is completely opposite of my original 212 starting point after loading). But I did reach my goal of 124.4!!!! 124 was my goal when I began this journey more than a year-and-a-half ago. It was the last weight I recalled feeling good about myself. I was a size 5 at that weight before. It's the goal I had in my head for the last 20 years. It's the goal I never thought I'd see ever again. Not only did I see it this morning, but I'm smaller in size now than I was at 124 in the past!
I didn't write yesterday even though it was sort of exciting. The dinner cruise and my substitutions didn't hurt me weight-wise. I did however feel weird all day. No super hungry or anything, just sort of emotionally raw, maybe near panicky? Like something bad was about to happen. Just this sense of impending doom all day. I couldn't concentrate, was restless. Then later in the afternoon, I had this weird vision issue where my vision was just...spotty. I wasn't dizzy, things weren't out of focus; I just couldn't see everywhere in my field of vision. It's hard to explain.
For some reason, I felt like I needed some good fat. I don't know why I felt that, because I also felt this was due to a bug or flu since I also felt feverish and achy, but I did. So I had two little pieces of chocodelight with coconut oil and went to bed by like 8:30 pm. I was up at 5:30 am and felt pretty good. Especially after I saw the scale!!!
It's goin' to be a good day, Tater.
I didn't write yesterday even though it was sort of exciting. The dinner cruise and my substitutions didn't hurt me weight-wise. I did however feel weird all day. No super hungry or anything, just sort of emotionally raw, maybe near panicky? Like something bad was about to happen. Just this sense of impending doom all day. I couldn't concentrate, was restless. Then later in the afternoon, I had this weird vision issue where my vision was just...spotty. I wasn't dizzy, things weren't out of focus; I just couldn't see everywhere in my field of vision. It's hard to explain.
For some reason, I felt like I needed some good fat. I don't know why I felt that, because I also felt this was due to a bug or flu since I also felt feverish and achy, but I did. So I had two little pieces of chocodelight with coconut oil and went to bed by like 8:30 pm. I was up at 5:30 am and felt pretty good. Especially after I saw the scale!!!
It's goin' to be a good day, Tater.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Judgement Day
Down .7 lb. over the last two days. I'm still going in the right direction, I'm just not where I hoped I'd be.
I'm sitting in front of the Wii, so I can get some accurate data here and think...
ON 8/9 (when I had to re-boot and lost all previous data on the Wii) I was 130.5 and today I 8/23 am 125.9. That's 19 days and barely 5 lb. gone. That's approximately 1/4 lb. per day. that's not even 2 lb. per week! And the last week has been rather sucky, which is not the way it's supposed to be. I even had to take a Motrin last night because I had a headache, and while I caution people against assuming that hcg has anything to do with random aches and pains that can crop up when you do anything for any length of time, with everything that's happened in the last week, I have to consider there may be some connection.
I told myself that I would only quit today IF I had reached 124 lb, which is not my goal, but was my original goal. I did not reach that goal. It looks like it would likely take me at least a week to reach that. It looks like there is no way I can reach 121 even in the 16 days I have left to obtain my Wii objective. And I'm not sure I have it in me. At this point, it's taking willpower, which it shouldn't. Sure, there are moments that require willpower typically, but the usual hcg protocol has been effortless 99% of the time, with short and infrequent moments of effort. This is not that.
And I have to consider that IF I am only losing what I would on 500 calories per day without hcg, and IF I am feeling hungry and yucky, it may mean that the hcg is not working or my body is not using it correctly. I just mixed it; I know it's fresh. That would mean my body just isn't recognizing it (immunity or refusal to give up more fat). If that's the case, than what I'm losing could be muscle, and that will just screw with my metabolism ultimately...and not be good for my heart.
Since the whole point of doing this is to avoid all that, and because it's usually so easy, I think I may have to conclude that my husband was right: I'm wasn't really a good candidate for this any more. I was too close to a 'normal' weight that my body wants, and it's just not working optimally. It really is for obesity. It's not a quick fix to lose a few lb., which is really all I wanted to do.
So, I think today I start with my '3 days and I'm out' portion of the program. On Thursday, I'm going to start with about 1000 calories and not go for the high calorie options, even though I know I can have the fat. I'd rather eat more foot if I'm not going for 1500 calories. If I can keep it between 1000 and 1500 (and I am aware that 1200 is 'diet' for most people and that about 1900 calories is 'normal' for maintenance...it isn't for me; I gain) I know I can stay in range.
I'll keep posting here throughout to keep myself accountable.
Later--
Menu for the dinner cruise:
Chicken swimming in some creamy sauce
Creamy mashed potatoes
Cesar Salad, premixed
Baby carrots and cauliflower, it looked like steamed with dill
Desert tray
I couldn't see a sheen on the veggies, and there was no butter sauce in the bottom of the pan they were served in, so I'm thinking they were steamed. I ate about 1/2 cup of that, passed on everything else and drank water...tons of it.
I was going to come home and have my apple and cuke if there wasn't anything I could have, and I ate my 100g chicken breast and melba before I left so I wouldn't be starving. I'm thinking with the uncertainty of the veggie prep, I should skip the cuke and/or apple. I may have a cup of decaf or something, then go to bed early as I am really, really tired. The gentle rocking of the boat made me sleepy...on top of the fact that I've just been tired overall for days. So, that's going to be the rest of my night, and that's how I chose to navigate this particular event.
From here on out, it gets easier. (manifesting my reality, don'cha know)
I'm sitting in front of the Wii, so I can get some accurate data here and think...
ON 8/9 (when I had to re-boot and lost all previous data on the Wii) I was 130.5 and today I 8/23 am 125.9. That's 19 days and barely 5 lb. gone. That's approximately 1/4 lb. per day. that's not even 2 lb. per week! And the last week has been rather sucky, which is not the way it's supposed to be. I even had to take a Motrin last night because I had a headache, and while I caution people against assuming that hcg has anything to do with random aches and pains that can crop up when you do anything for any length of time, with everything that's happened in the last week, I have to consider there may be some connection.
I told myself that I would only quit today IF I had reached 124 lb, which is not my goal, but was my original goal. I did not reach that goal. It looks like it would likely take me at least a week to reach that. It looks like there is no way I can reach 121 even in the 16 days I have left to obtain my Wii objective. And I'm not sure I have it in me. At this point, it's taking willpower, which it shouldn't. Sure, there are moments that require willpower typically, but the usual hcg protocol has been effortless 99% of the time, with short and infrequent moments of effort. This is not that.
And I have to consider that IF I am only losing what I would on 500 calories per day without hcg, and IF I am feeling hungry and yucky, it may mean that the hcg is not working or my body is not using it correctly. I just mixed it; I know it's fresh. That would mean my body just isn't recognizing it (immunity or refusal to give up more fat). If that's the case, than what I'm losing could be muscle, and that will just screw with my metabolism ultimately...and not be good for my heart.
Since the whole point of doing this is to avoid all that, and because it's usually so easy, I think I may have to conclude that my husband was right: I'm wasn't really a good candidate for this any more. I was too close to a 'normal' weight that my body wants, and it's just not working optimally. It really is for obesity. It's not a quick fix to lose a few lb., which is really all I wanted to do.
So, I think today I start with my '3 days and I'm out' portion of the program. On Thursday, I'm going to start with about 1000 calories and not go for the high calorie options, even though I know I can have the fat. I'd rather eat more foot if I'm not going for 1500 calories. If I can keep it between 1000 and 1500 (and I am aware that 1200 is 'diet' for most people and that about 1900 calories is 'normal' for maintenance...it isn't for me; I gain) I know I can stay in range.
I'll keep posting here throughout to keep myself accountable.
Later--
Menu for the dinner cruise:
Chicken swimming in some creamy sauce
Creamy mashed potatoes
Cesar Salad, premixed
Baby carrots and cauliflower, it looked like steamed with dill
Desert tray
I couldn't see a sheen on the veggies, and there was no butter sauce in the bottom of the pan they were served in, so I'm thinking they were steamed. I ate about 1/2 cup of that, passed on everything else and drank water...tons of it.
I was going to come home and have my apple and cuke if there wasn't anything I could have, and I ate my 100g chicken breast and melba before I left so I wouldn't be starving. I'm thinking with the uncertainty of the veggie prep, I should skip the cuke and/or apple. I may have a cup of decaf or something, then go to bed early as I am really, really tired. The gentle rocking of the boat made me sleepy...on top of the fact that I've just been tired overall for days. So, that's going to be the rest of my night, and that's how I chose to navigate this particular event.
From here on out, it gets easier. (manifesting my reality, don'cha know)
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Waiting game
Today, I woke up feeling great. I wasn't hungry, hadn't awoken hungry in the night (which has happened on occasion the last week or so), and was feeling so great I contemplated playing tennis or going for a bike ride.
I didn't eat until noon, and then only because everyone else was eating, not because I had been waiting to devour my protocol meal.
By 2 pm however, I was already hungry. Vacuuming made me a little weak, and every once in a while I feel a little like I may be getting a headache, but it never really manifests. I'm counting down the minutes until I can eat. I don't want to eat anything too early as I don't want to be hungry before bed...even though bedtime may come early tonight as I'm tired.
I don't know what the scale will say tomorrow, but I'm starting to think I'm going to have to take what I get. This isn't supposed to be like this, and hasn't been most of the times I've done it. Toward the end, or during my TOM, there have been days, but this is working now on days in a row. I do believe both of those factors, and the fact that my body is just as low as I dare go, not just for now, but as low period. I'm starting to really think the Wii and BMI calculators are just whacked. I'm comfortable here, I'd like to stay here.
Tomorrow I could change my mind. :-)
I didn't eat until noon, and then only because everyone else was eating, not because I had been waiting to devour my protocol meal.
By 2 pm however, I was already hungry. Vacuuming made me a little weak, and every once in a while I feel a little like I may be getting a headache, but it never really manifests. I'm counting down the minutes until I can eat. I don't want to eat anything too early as I don't want to be hungry before bed...even though bedtime may come early tonight as I'm tired.
I don't know what the scale will say tomorrow, but I'm starting to think I'm going to have to take what I get. This isn't supposed to be like this, and hasn't been most of the times I've done it. Toward the end, or during my TOM, there have been days, but this is working now on days in a row. I do believe both of those factors, and the fact that my body is just as low as I dare go, not just for now, but as low period. I'm starting to really think the Wii and BMI calculators are just whacked. I'm comfortable here, I'd like to stay here.
Tomorrow I could change my mind. :-)
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Winding down I think
Yesterday I was up .4 lb. and weighed 126.4. I'm currently wearing a size 4 skirt. My husband asked me 'when are you going to stop this?' yesterday when he got home from his business trip.
Well, I'd like to stop right this minute. It's getting harder every day. I'm hungrier, thus relying on gum to help me get between meals. I'd like to blame my extreme fatigue on the f*cking cat that kept me up all night, which would be true, except for the last several nights I've been very tired, very early. Yesterday, I actually started my TOM, so that plays some part, I'm sure, but I really think I'm getting to a point where I think I'm done. Stick a fork in me.
There are a couple of reasons I haven't stopped. One is that I won't be able to weigh again until Monday morning because we have guests staying in the basement where the Wii is and that's my only scale. I need to have a definitive end weight, especially since I didn't have a definitive start weight. My Wii goal ends on Monday, I believe, and it should be about 121. I set it according to a 22.7 BMI if I recall, and that's about 121. Still 5 lb. more than Wii says I should be, but Dave's right...I'm feeling a little on the bony side these days. It feels fine, and I'm good here; I just wouldn't want to be 10 lb. lighter. 5? Maybe. It's not that I think it's that much different then where I am, but it gives me more 'wiggle room' before I'd hit a point where I don't feel comfortable.
Never in a million years would I have thought I'd ever be worrying about being TOO THIN!
I don't want to go too far, though I think my body won't let me, actually. I'm getting some pretty clear signs now, I believe. Or I'm just sick of doing this. I'm not sure. But physically, I think it's real weakness, fatigue, hunger. I want to make damn sure I'm down as far as I can go, and damn sure I lock it in tight. This time I don't think it will be hard to do that as I'm going back to the drawing board as I did with this whole round. I'm not even going to add cream to my coffee for a couple of weeks. I'm going a lot slower with the additions; I'm being a lot more conservative in what I add and when.
I've been arguing with myself in my journal, coming up with justifications for quitting, and then for not. I've given myself a dozen different deadlines, and 'I'll stop when I get to ____' or 'I'll know my body is done when _____' and then I ignore my own line in the sand.
I like being a size 4. I'd like to stay here. I know now I don't want to be a size 2/3, as much as I like the two dresses in my closet that are there. Really, they aren't worth it, I think. 4-6 is lovely and I feel good there. I just want to be solidly there.
I'm just talking to myself again, but I think for others who are doing though this, it's important to know that it's ok to know when to say when. It's important to hash out where we want to be as opposed to where someone/thing says we should be. Sometimes that means talking to yourself, I guess.
Well, I'd like to stop right this minute. It's getting harder every day. I'm hungrier, thus relying on gum to help me get between meals. I'd like to blame my extreme fatigue on the f*cking cat that kept me up all night, which would be true, except for the last several nights I've been very tired, very early. Yesterday, I actually started my TOM, so that plays some part, I'm sure, but I really think I'm getting to a point where I think I'm done. Stick a fork in me.
There are a couple of reasons I haven't stopped. One is that I won't be able to weigh again until Monday morning because we have guests staying in the basement where the Wii is and that's my only scale. I need to have a definitive end weight, especially since I didn't have a definitive start weight. My Wii goal ends on Monday, I believe, and it should be about 121. I set it according to a 22.7 BMI if I recall, and that's about 121. Still 5 lb. more than Wii says I should be, but Dave's right...I'm feeling a little on the bony side these days. It feels fine, and I'm good here; I just wouldn't want to be 10 lb. lighter. 5? Maybe. It's not that I think it's that much different then where I am, but it gives me more 'wiggle room' before I'd hit a point where I don't feel comfortable.
Never in a million years would I have thought I'd ever be worrying about being TOO THIN!
I don't want to go too far, though I think my body won't let me, actually. I'm getting some pretty clear signs now, I believe. Or I'm just sick of doing this. I'm not sure. But physically, I think it's real weakness, fatigue, hunger. I want to make damn sure I'm down as far as I can go, and damn sure I lock it in tight. This time I don't think it will be hard to do that as I'm going back to the drawing board as I did with this whole round. I'm not even going to add cream to my coffee for a couple of weeks. I'm going a lot slower with the additions; I'm being a lot more conservative in what I add and when.
I've been arguing with myself in my journal, coming up with justifications for quitting, and then for not. I've given myself a dozen different deadlines, and 'I'll stop when I get to ____' or 'I'll know my body is done when _____' and then I ignore my own line in the sand.
I like being a size 4. I'd like to stay here. I know now I don't want to be a size 2/3, as much as I like the two dresses in my closet that are there. Really, they aren't worth it, I think. 4-6 is lovely and I feel good there. I just want to be solidly there.
I'm just talking to myself again, but I think for others who are doing though this, it's important to know that it's ok to know when to say when. It's important to hash out where we want to be as opposed to where someone/thing says we should be. Sometimes that means talking to yourself, I guess.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Progress and thoughts
First, for the progress report...
I decided to toss it up a bit and have fish on Saturday, even though I hate fish. I thought I could make it in a way I could choke it down. I was wrong. I tried. I got most of it down, but I had to hold my breath to do it. Yuck!
So anyway, my body doesn't seem to like fish either. Sunday I was hungry and weak and dizzy on occasion. I figured I metabolized the fish faster than chicken, or didn't get enough calories from it. So I ate as normal, although I added 8 macs in the morning. I also got a 6-8 mile bike ride (odometer broken). I don't remember if I weighed, or what the number was.
Yesterday, up .2 lb., but I also weighed much earlier than previously, which almost always shows up as more. Because I was already starting to get hungry in the a.m., I tested my hCG on a pregnancy test. It came up much lighter than the test line, which I interpreted to mean perhaps after two weeks from mixing, my hCG was losing strength.
I tossed it and mixed anew. Note to self (and others): it still comes up lighter than test line when mixed new. It would seem that's just the way it was, so I wasted probably 10 days worth for nothing; maybe more, because today, also hungry already (it's 9:30 a.m.) and if it turns out that this is all because my body has had enough despite what my brain is shooting for, I'll end up wasting what's left of this vial. Lesson learned.
So anyway, this am I'm down .4 lb, again, super early, but comparable to yesterday's time. Tomorrow will be similar,but then Thursday and Friday will be different times. I sort of doubt I'll be able to weigh at all this weekend since we'll have company.
I will definitely wait out the week to see what an assortment of variables contribute to the process, and evaluate if I keep going one or two more weeks beyond that. I really depends on how I feel and how it's working.
OK, now for some deep (?) thoughts:
Comments from people sometimes make me think about weird stuff. Things I notice these days make me think of weird stuff. For instance, it was really hot the other day, and as I'm driving down the street, I see an obese person walking. I remember being that person, but I realize that I have not given a thought to the heat other than to note it's hot. I'm not worrying about my thighs chaffing if I wear the wrong thing. I'm not worried about hugging anyone lest I drench them in sweat. I'm not driving around the block looking for a closer parking spot because I think I might pass out in the heat on the way from my car to the store. I'm hot, but I'm not miserable.
I realize that the smaller I get, the less I think about weight, or the numbers on the scale. Even during protocol these days, occasionally I forget either to weigh, or what the scale said specifically. Comments from thin people (often who do not realize that I used to be fat, or who just forget) seem to indicate that they believe that fat people to not think about the implications of being fat...but they think about it EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF EVERY SINGLE DAY. Every morsel I put in my mouth when I was fat had a thought behind it. Every time I saw an outfit I liked and knew it wouldn't fit; every time I met someone new and worried about how they might judge me; every time I saw someone who knew me before I got fat and worried about what they'd say about me; every time I shopped or ate out and noticed that other people were taking note of what I was eating; every time I hugged someone, every time I was short of breath; every time it hurt to tie my shoes. There is nothing a fat person does that doesn't remind them that they are fat, often despised, judged, uncomfortable and self-conscious.
That said, something that ties into that is that now, when I do tell people where I've come from and how I got to where I am, they often comment, "Way to go!" or "Good for you!" or "Good job!" Honestly, in light of the previous paragraph, I have to say, I now realize why I have been at a loss for words when people have said such things.
One would think that those are compliments, or that I would at least feel complimented. But I don't. I usually sort of respond with a weak, "Thanks?" and here's why...
Even on protocol, I'm not thinking about weight or struggling nearly as much as I did every day when I was fat. In the last 18 months, I've put less thought and energy into weight than on any given day of my life for the last 20 years. I guess to me, saying 'good for you' implies that for all that time, I didn't work my ass off, or try to lose weight, or think about my body at all, which is far from the truth. Why didn't anyone commend me for all the time I struggled? I worked much harder at trying to lose weight year after year than I have since I discovered hCG. In comparison, it's been effortless, if only because there was actual reward for my effort, which had never happened before, even when the effort was nearly killing me.
That's also the reason that I get annoyed when people tell me, "That's great...but I'd rather (lose weight) on my own." As if I somehow took an easy way out.
Let me be clear...it's NEVER been easy. When I say Simeons' protocol was easy for me, that's because diet and exercise didn't work. Fantastic if it works for someone else, but I ate less on a daily basis than many people do in a meal for most of that 20 years, and still did not get smaller. I see people in my office every day with the same story, in tears because they've been told they aren't trying hard enough...if they just reduced the calories and moved more, they'd HAVE to get smaller. But they have and they didn't. They've starved themselves, they've hired personal trainers, they've work out 2-3 hours per day and STILL they were stuck. They tear up because they know I believe them--I've BEEN them.
Even now, when I am on maintenance, on-line calorie calculators tell me I should eat almost double what I can actually eat to maintain.
Every body is different. People like me didn't get fat because we were lazy or because we ate all the wrong food or huge portions. To be sure, there are people who do, and they know who they are. They will flat out say, "I got fat because..." and sure enough, they know their portion sizes are unreasonable and that they don't move enough. (So, FYI, they don't need you to tell them.) For those people a few habit changes are all that's required to get slim. But not all fat people are created equal!
/rant/
I decided to toss it up a bit and have fish on Saturday, even though I hate fish. I thought I could make it in a way I could choke it down. I was wrong. I tried. I got most of it down, but I had to hold my breath to do it. Yuck!
So anyway, my body doesn't seem to like fish either. Sunday I was hungry and weak and dizzy on occasion. I figured I metabolized the fish faster than chicken, or didn't get enough calories from it. So I ate as normal, although I added 8 macs in the morning. I also got a 6-8 mile bike ride (odometer broken). I don't remember if I weighed, or what the number was.
Yesterday, up .2 lb., but I also weighed much earlier than previously, which almost always shows up as more. Because I was already starting to get hungry in the a.m., I tested my hCG on a pregnancy test. It came up much lighter than the test line, which I interpreted to mean perhaps after two weeks from mixing, my hCG was losing strength.
I tossed it and mixed anew. Note to self (and others): it still comes up lighter than test line when mixed new. It would seem that's just the way it was, so I wasted probably 10 days worth for nothing; maybe more, because today, also hungry already (it's 9:30 a.m.) and if it turns out that this is all because my body has had enough despite what my brain is shooting for, I'll end up wasting what's left of this vial. Lesson learned.
So anyway, this am I'm down .4 lb, again, super early, but comparable to yesterday's time. Tomorrow will be similar,but then Thursday and Friday will be different times. I sort of doubt I'll be able to weigh at all this weekend since we'll have company.
I will definitely wait out the week to see what an assortment of variables contribute to the process, and evaluate if I keep going one or two more weeks beyond that. I really depends on how I feel and how it's working.
OK, now for some deep (?) thoughts:
Comments from people sometimes make me think about weird stuff. Things I notice these days make me think of weird stuff. For instance, it was really hot the other day, and as I'm driving down the street, I see an obese person walking. I remember being that person, but I realize that I have not given a thought to the heat other than to note it's hot. I'm not worrying about my thighs chaffing if I wear the wrong thing. I'm not worried about hugging anyone lest I drench them in sweat. I'm not driving around the block looking for a closer parking spot because I think I might pass out in the heat on the way from my car to the store. I'm hot, but I'm not miserable.
I realize that the smaller I get, the less I think about weight, or the numbers on the scale. Even during protocol these days, occasionally I forget either to weigh, or what the scale said specifically. Comments from thin people (often who do not realize that I used to be fat, or who just forget) seem to indicate that they believe that fat people to not think about the implications of being fat...but they think about it EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF EVERY SINGLE DAY. Every morsel I put in my mouth when I was fat had a thought behind it. Every time I saw an outfit I liked and knew it wouldn't fit; every time I met someone new and worried about how they might judge me; every time I saw someone who knew me before I got fat and worried about what they'd say about me; every time I shopped or ate out and noticed that other people were taking note of what I was eating; every time I hugged someone, every time I was short of breath; every time it hurt to tie my shoes. There is nothing a fat person does that doesn't remind them that they are fat, often despised, judged, uncomfortable and self-conscious.
That said, something that ties into that is that now, when I do tell people where I've come from and how I got to where I am, they often comment, "Way to go!" or "Good for you!" or "Good job!" Honestly, in light of the previous paragraph, I have to say, I now realize why I have been at a loss for words when people have said such things.
One would think that those are compliments, or that I would at least feel complimented. But I don't. I usually sort of respond with a weak, "Thanks?" and here's why...
Even on protocol, I'm not thinking about weight or struggling nearly as much as I did every day when I was fat. In the last 18 months, I've put less thought and energy into weight than on any given day of my life for the last 20 years. I guess to me, saying 'good for you' implies that for all that time, I didn't work my ass off, or try to lose weight, or think about my body at all, which is far from the truth. Why didn't anyone commend me for all the time I struggled? I worked much harder at trying to lose weight year after year than I have since I discovered hCG. In comparison, it's been effortless, if only because there was actual reward for my effort, which had never happened before, even when the effort was nearly killing me.
That's also the reason that I get annoyed when people tell me, "That's great...but I'd rather (lose weight) on my own." As if I somehow took an easy way out.
Let me be clear...it's NEVER been easy. When I say Simeons' protocol was easy for me, that's because diet and exercise didn't work. Fantastic if it works for someone else, but I ate less on a daily basis than many people do in a meal for most of that 20 years, and still did not get smaller. I see people in my office every day with the same story, in tears because they've been told they aren't trying hard enough...if they just reduced the calories and moved more, they'd HAVE to get smaller. But they have and they didn't. They've starved themselves, they've hired personal trainers, they've work out 2-3 hours per day and STILL they were stuck. They tear up because they know I believe them--I've BEEN them.
Even now, when I am on maintenance, on-line calorie calculators tell me I should eat almost double what I can actually eat to maintain.
Every body is different. People like me didn't get fat because we were lazy or because we ate all the wrong food or huge portions. To be sure, there are people who do, and they know who they are. They will flat out say, "I got fat because..." and sure enough, they know their portion sizes are unreasonable and that they don't move enough. (So, FYI, they don't need you to tell them.) For those people a few habit changes are all that's required to get slim. But not all fat people are created equal!
/rant/
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Still going...
Yesterday and today were BOTH -1.1 days! I'm now poised to beat that 128 previous low. I went back to see if 128 or 127 was my previous low, and I couldn't find it, but I think it was 128. I also think that 124 was my previous goal, and this time I think I entered 121 into my goal on the Wii, 'cause in my head I have 119-121, but it said I was like 6.7 lb. away today and that would have to be around 121. Last time I was 5. something away from goal, and I don't think I was any lower than I am now, probably not quite as low.
I FEEL smaller.
That is a good thing, because yesterday was my dh birthday, and he makes a mean steak, which he did for himself, and I made him chocolate delight. I had neither, because I'm doing so well, so consistently, I didn't want to mess it up. Oddly enough, I didn't want a glass of wine as much as I thought I would. I really didn't even miss celebrating with the good food. It helps that I had big drops yesterday and today both. That tends to make it worthwhile.
This week should be an easy week as long as I'm not hungry, and I haven't been too bad. Doing yoga a few times a week seems to be a good thing, and I see no problem with the food. Yes, it's boring, but again, as long as I'm continuing to go down, I'm good with that. Even if I were to stall, I think I'd go another two weeks just because I know sometimes there is a stall around now. That takes me beyond that dinner cruise, bummer, but has me a week into stabilization before the next summer event, and a month into it for my anniversary.
He's making omelets right now, and again, oddly I'm not the least bit hungry or tempted.
Oh, and yesterday, I tried some size 4s on...and they fit! :-)
I FEEL smaller.
That is a good thing, because yesterday was my dh birthday, and he makes a mean steak, which he did for himself, and I made him chocolate delight. I had neither, because I'm doing so well, so consistently, I didn't want to mess it up. Oddly enough, I didn't want a glass of wine as much as I thought I would. I really didn't even miss celebrating with the good food. It helps that I had big drops yesterday and today both. That tends to make it worthwhile.
This week should be an easy week as long as I'm not hungry, and I haven't been too bad. Doing yoga a few times a week seems to be a good thing, and I see no problem with the food. Yes, it's boring, but again, as long as I'm continuing to go down, I'm good with that. Even if I were to stall, I think I'd go another two weeks just because I know sometimes there is a stall around now. That takes me beyond that dinner cruise, bummer, but has me a week into stabilization before the next summer event, and a month into it for my anniversary.
He's making omelets right now, and again, oddly I'm not the least bit hungry or tempted.
Oh, and yesterday, I tried some size 4s on...and they fit! :-)
Monday, August 9, 2010
I'm NORMAL!
Well, ok; maybe not. But it was a fantastic weekend. :-)
This a.m. I'm at 130.5. This is my sweet spot. This is where I've been comfortable for months, and this week will be illuminating. If I slow or stop, it may indicate that this is where my body prefers to be, although it was a pretty big leap from Friday to Monday...that probably means I'll continue, at least slowly, for the week. It's encouraging anyway.
After recalibrating my Wii, it again tells me to shoot for 116, but I set my goal for 120 in the next 4 weeks. On protocol, this is not an impossible goal, though the Wii did suggest more time. I'm not doing this longer than 6 weeks, and I really hope not to have to go more than another 2 or 3 weeks, depending on how my supply holds up and my progress.
Anyway, I looked at my calendar again this a.m. and I have yet ANOTHER social dinner gig on the 23rd! My planning really wasn't great, but oh well. I'll just have to enjoy without the food.
This a.m. I'm at 130.5. This is my sweet spot. This is where I've been comfortable for months, and this week will be illuminating. If I slow or stop, it may indicate that this is where my body prefers to be, although it was a pretty big leap from Friday to Monday...that probably means I'll continue, at least slowly, for the week. It's encouraging anyway.
After recalibrating my Wii, it again tells me to shoot for 116, but I set my goal for 120 in the next 4 weeks. On protocol, this is not an impossible goal, though the Wii did suggest more time. I'm not doing this longer than 6 weeks, and I really hope not to have to go more than another 2 or 3 weeks, depending on how my supply holds up and my progress.
Anyway, I looked at my calendar again this a.m. and I have yet ANOTHER social dinner gig on the 23rd! My planning really wasn't great, but oh well. I'll just have to enjoy without the food.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Boy! Did I pick a bad time for this!
So, once again, I was gone for the weekend. That means that 5 out of the 11 VLCI days, I was not even at home and had to navigate awkward situations. The first time, there was a family situation that was unexpected, but this time, it had been planned for a long time.
The first time, I did not find it so hard to stay on protocol. I was busy and my mind was on other things. This time, it was sort of a social situation...visiting friends at their cabin. The hostess made a wonderful dinner and breakfast with me in mind, and I ungraciously declined to partake in order to stay on protocol. And the food looked really good! If I had been on maintenance, without the hCG, I might have been a lot more tempted. As it was, I wasn't hungry, so it wasn't bad to just eat my own food at allotted times. Even then, I wasn't actually very hungry; I just ate so I'd stay on track and get my calories in. It was awkward to not partake, but like I said the hosts were very kind and understanding. The harder part was resisting a glass of wine or two as everyone else partook of cocktails!!!
That's hard right now too. It's a beautiful night for being on the patio with a class of Merlot. Sigh.
In the next couple of weeks, I have my husband's 55th birthday, and a once in a lifetime family reunion, both of which should include good food and libations, but I, reluctantly, in order to stay on track, will enjoy the company of my loved ones, but will not be enjoying the food and drink with them. Again, sigh.
I almost feel that I need to stay on protocol because it is the knowledge of how unforgiving the hcg is that keeps me on track. If I thought I could wiggle a little on stabilization, I may very likely be willing to risk the whole shebang. That would surely derail me. Although, I have to say, I'd like to NOT be on protocol, or even in the first 3 weeks of stabilization, for my 25th wedding anniversary. Timing is critical here. Thus, I really (really, really) hope that 1. I run out of hCG 3 weeks prior to my anniversary (because I am loathe to waste that stuff!) and b. reach my goals in that same time frame.
I don't know how I'm doing currently because my Wii was messed up the day we left for the cabin, so I have no clue what I weighed yesterday or today. We fixed it, so I will be able to check in tomorrow for a progress report. I expect to be on target simply because I was so good this weekend. My only guilty moment (and I confess it was due to feeling deprived of the good food, not hunger, so GASP! a cheat) was literally 6-8 macadamia nuts this morning. I'm going to get some Wii time in, or yoga, after I'm done here to try to atone for that.
Anyway, I do expect to be somewhere near target tomorrow a.m., which would mean finally back down to where I am most comfortable. That would mean that anything beyond that takes me down to where the Wii and BMI tables tell me I should be. Well, not exactly. According to charts and the Wii, I'm shooting for 116. I'm not really. I'd be very, very happy with 119-124 as my 5 lb. range. I was 134 on Friday. I would hope I can do 10 lb. in 2 weeks, 15 in 6 should I choose to take it that far...although that messes up my anniversary plans. We'll see. If I'm still going strong, no matter what I want for my anniversary, this is more important. I'm thinking if I have to go the distance with the full 6 weeks to get where I want to be, I can put our celebration off for a couple of weeks. It's just a day. The important part is that we celebrate it together, whenever we are able.
(Just trying to talk myself into compliance for the duration here.)
The first time, I did not find it so hard to stay on protocol. I was busy and my mind was on other things. This time, it was sort of a social situation...visiting friends at their cabin. The hostess made a wonderful dinner and breakfast with me in mind, and I ungraciously declined to partake in order to stay on protocol. And the food looked really good! If I had been on maintenance, without the hCG, I might have been a lot more tempted. As it was, I wasn't hungry, so it wasn't bad to just eat my own food at allotted times. Even then, I wasn't actually very hungry; I just ate so I'd stay on track and get my calories in. It was awkward to not partake, but like I said the hosts were very kind and understanding. The harder part was resisting a glass of wine or two as everyone else partook of cocktails!!!
That's hard right now too. It's a beautiful night for being on the patio with a class of Merlot. Sigh.
In the next couple of weeks, I have my husband's 55th birthday, and a once in a lifetime family reunion, both of which should include good food and libations, but I, reluctantly, in order to stay on track, will enjoy the company of my loved ones, but will not be enjoying the food and drink with them. Again, sigh.
I almost feel that I need to stay on protocol because it is the knowledge of how unforgiving the hcg is that keeps me on track. If I thought I could wiggle a little on stabilization, I may very likely be willing to risk the whole shebang. That would surely derail me. Although, I have to say, I'd like to NOT be on protocol, or even in the first 3 weeks of stabilization, for my 25th wedding anniversary. Timing is critical here. Thus, I really (really, really) hope that 1. I run out of hCG 3 weeks prior to my anniversary (because I am loathe to waste that stuff!) and b. reach my goals in that same time frame.
I don't know how I'm doing currently because my Wii was messed up the day we left for the cabin, so I have no clue what I weighed yesterday or today. We fixed it, so I will be able to check in tomorrow for a progress report. I expect to be on target simply because I was so good this weekend. My only guilty moment (and I confess it was due to feeling deprived of the good food, not hunger, so GASP! a cheat) was literally 6-8 macadamia nuts this morning. I'm going to get some Wii time in, or yoga, after I'm done here to try to atone for that.
Anyway, I do expect to be somewhere near target tomorrow a.m., which would mean finally back down to where I am most comfortable. That would mean that anything beyond that takes me down to where the Wii and BMI tables tell me I should be. Well, not exactly. According to charts and the Wii, I'm shooting for 116. I'm not really. I'd be very, very happy with 119-124 as my 5 lb. range. I was 134 on Friday. I would hope I can do 10 lb. in 2 weeks, 15 in 6 should I choose to take it that far...although that messes up my anniversary plans. We'll see. If I'm still going strong, no matter what I want for my anniversary, this is more important. I'm thinking if I have to go the distance with the full 6 weeks to get where I want to be, I can put our celebration off for a couple of weeks. It's just a day. The important part is that we celebrate it together, whenever we are able.
(Just trying to talk myself into compliance for the duration here.)
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
I blame the tomatoes!
Yesterday was a zero day already. Tomatoes were the only thing I did different. They caused issues before, so I'd guess they were the problem.
Otherwise, things are going well, especially considering the circumstances. Twice I was away from a scale...the first time being at the very beginning so I don't know what I gained loading. But today, I was down .7 lb., and nearly at the 'comfortable' weight I'd held for months. I would expect I'll reach that by the end of the weekend.
It will be another weekend where I must plan. Last weekend, I was unexpectedly traveling, so that was a challenge. I navigated well, I must say. I stuck to protocol, though my water consumption and sleep patterns and stress level were not optimal
Because there have been variables outside my control, though for the most part at least I've been able to control the food, even after this weekend I won't be able to guess at what the end result might be. I do know I'm releasing consistently, if not in great amounts. That sounds greedy, I know. Surely it's been at least a pound per day if I only go by the weight I was when I decided to go it again; likely closer to 2 per day average if I gained anywhere near what I had during loading in the past. It's just frustrating to know that I can't even look to what I may release above and beyond where I was before for at least 2 weeks. Bummer.
Today, I think I will try to fit in some yoga. It's very prayerful to me, and I have some healing energy to send out.
Otherwise, things are going well, especially considering the circumstances. Twice I was away from a scale...the first time being at the very beginning so I don't know what I gained loading. But today, I was down .7 lb., and nearly at the 'comfortable' weight I'd held for months. I would expect I'll reach that by the end of the weekend.
It will be another weekend where I must plan. Last weekend, I was unexpectedly traveling, so that was a challenge. I navigated well, I must say. I stuck to protocol, though my water consumption and sleep patterns and stress level were not optimal
Because there have been variables outside my control, though for the most part at least I've been able to control the food, even after this weekend I won't be able to guess at what the end result might be. I do know I'm releasing consistently, if not in great amounts. That sounds greedy, I know. Surely it's been at least a pound per day if I only go by the weight I was when I decided to go it again; likely closer to 2 per day average if I gained anywhere near what I had during loading in the past. It's just frustrating to know that I can't even look to what I may release above and beyond where I was before for at least 2 weeks. Bummer.
Today, I think I will try to fit in some yoga. It's very prayerful to me, and I have some healing energy to send out.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Hm.
Today, one client told me that that I inspired her because of how I looked in what I wore at our last visit. Nice.
A past client asked me if I'd lost more weight since we'd last met, and told me I shouldn't lose any more.
I'm glad I'm OK with where I am and where I'm going. :-)
A past client asked me if I'd lost more weight since we'd last met, and told me I shouldn't lose any more.
I'm glad I'm OK with where I am and where I'm going. :-)
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