Day 9

Damn! It was a zero day this morning.

Granted, DH pointed out it was better than a gain. (What would I do without his never ending support and encouragement?) And really, there was so much that could have played into this day...I had more than 500 calories yesterday with the (probably) larger than 100g piece of chicken and the macs in the morning, even with the skipping of the fruit with dinner. I never did get hungry for that.

I wasn't hungry this morning either! AND I slept well and woke up easily. THAT is more like this is supposed to feel.

Also, I had beef for my evening meal. Beef often makes me stall or gain, especially if I have it for an evening meal. I had it twice last week and expected a stall both times. I was surprised when I didn't see that. Finally, I weighed at around 5:30 this morning. I mentioned already that the earlier I weigh, the more I weigh. My most accurate time seems to be around 7:30 am, but by then I'll have had a shower and two enormous mugs of coffee. Weigh in has to be immediately following the morning duties and before all of that other stuff.

So, I'll take what I can get and not be discouraged by the zero day knowing all the variables. At least I feel more like I should feel now that I have the hCG situation figured out.

11:00 am

I came home between morning and afternoon appointments. I had some strawberries. Now I'm too full for lunch. Oh well, I have a couple of hours before I have to go back. I'll probably be hungry by then.

I did want to post a few words about doubt: most people have at least a little going into this. I've had doubt every single time. The first time, it just sounded too good to be true. Every time after that, I just couldn't believe my body could change yet again. It's weird, but I have to say I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around what size I may actually be. I mean, I didn't realize how big I was when I was big, but I have a really skewed view of 'normal' because of where I started. So, after each round, I've shrunk out of stuff, and I'm smaller, which feels great. After a few weeks at that new smaller size, it seems bigger and I'm ready to go for more. Yet, each time I wonder if it will work, even with experience behind me.

Right now, I see shoulders and hips and collar bones. I hadn't seen those for YEARS. But I'm ready to see muscle definition. After the SNAFU last week, I was a little frustrated, but I'm feeling better about it now. I know I can do it. It's just that those doubts are there once again.

There is also the temptation to compare myself with others. I see that a lot with clients too. They are releasing a pound or more a day and ask if that's normal. Yes, it's on track, but why can't we be happy with a pound a day just because we've never released that before and now we are?

I fall victim to the same thing. A family friend began this protocol after I had already done my first round, because of my success. He lost probably a total 5-10 lb. more than me in fewer rounds...meaning he's already lost what my goal weight is and he's done the protocol for months less time than I have. If I'd released at the same rate, I'd be DONE by now.

But I'm not. I have to accept that he is not me, and this is what it is. I've made amazing progress. It doesn't matter if someone else has done better and lost more. It is what it is. I will release what my body deems 'enough' in the time that is appropriate for me.

I do wonder if my perception of weight will change as I get smaller and stay that way. I know people who say they want to lose 10, 20, 30 or even 40 lb. and I think, "Really?!" They don't even look overweight to me. So on some level, even though I didn't see myself as I really was, I must have had some acceptance of that as...not normal, but not...as big as it was? I'm not sure. I'm rambling, but weight issues are so complex. I guess I'm just trying to work out idea of self-perception vs other-perception and what mental gymnastics it takes to keep from going completely nutty when the body doesn't match what's in the head.