First, for the progress report...
I decided to toss it up a bit and have fish on Saturday, even though I hate fish. I thought I could make it in a way I could choke it down. I was wrong. I tried. I got most of it down, but I had to hold my breath to do it. Yuck!
So anyway, my body doesn't seem to like fish either. Sunday I was hungry and weak and dizzy on occasion. I figured I metabolized the fish faster than chicken, or didn't get enough calories from it. So I ate as normal, although I added 8 macs in the morning. I also got a 6-8 mile bike ride (odometer broken). I don't remember if I weighed, or what the number was.
Yesterday, up .2 lb., but I also weighed much earlier than previously, which almost always shows up as more. Because I was already starting to get hungry in the a.m., I tested my hCG on a pregnancy test. It came up much lighter than the test line, which I interpreted to mean perhaps after two weeks from mixing, my hCG was losing strength.
I tossed it and mixed anew. Note to self (and others): it still comes up lighter than test line when mixed new. It would seem that's just the way it was, so I wasted probably 10 days worth for nothing; maybe more, because today, also hungry already (it's 9:30 a.m.) and if it turns out that this is all because my body has had enough despite what my brain is shooting for, I'll end up wasting what's left of this vial. Lesson learned.
So anyway, this am I'm down .4 lb, again, super early, but comparable to yesterday's time. Tomorrow will be similar,but then Thursday and Friday will be different times. I sort of doubt I'll be able to weigh at all this weekend since we'll have company.
I will definitely wait out the week to see what an assortment of variables contribute to the process, and evaluate if I keep going one or two more weeks beyond that. I really depends on how I feel and how it's working.
OK, now for some deep (?) thoughts:
Comments from people sometimes make me think about weird stuff. Things I notice these days make me think of weird stuff. For instance, it was really hot the other day, and as I'm driving down the street, I see an obese person walking. I remember being that person, but I realize that I have not given a thought to the heat other than to note it's hot. I'm not worrying about my thighs chaffing if I wear the wrong thing. I'm not worried about hugging anyone lest I drench them in sweat. I'm not driving around the block looking for a closer parking spot because I think I might pass out in the heat on the way from my car to the store. I'm hot, but I'm not miserable.
I realize that the smaller I get, the less I think about weight, or the numbers on the scale. Even during protocol these days, occasionally I forget either to weigh, or what the scale said specifically. Comments from thin people (often who do not realize that I used to be fat, or who just forget) seem to indicate that they believe that fat people to not think about the implications of being fat...but they think about it EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF EVERY SINGLE DAY. Every morsel I put in my mouth when I was fat had a thought behind it. Every time I saw an outfit I liked and knew it wouldn't fit; every time I met someone new and worried about how they might judge me; every time I saw someone who knew me before I got fat and worried about what they'd say about me; every time I shopped or ate out and noticed that other people were taking note of what I was eating; every time I hugged someone, every time I was short of breath; every time it hurt to tie my shoes. There is nothing a fat person does that doesn't remind them that they are fat, often despised, judged, uncomfortable and self-conscious.
That said, something that ties into that is that now, when I do tell people where I've come from and how I got to where I am, they often comment, "Way to go!" or "Good for you!" or "Good job!" Honestly, in light of the previous paragraph, I have to say, I now realize why I have been at a loss for words when people have said such things.
One would think that those are compliments, or that I would at least feel complimented. But I don't. I usually sort of respond with a weak, "Thanks?" and here's why...
Even on protocol, I'm not thinking about weight or struggling nearly as much as I did every day when I was fat. In the last 18 months, I've put less thought and energy into weight than on any given day of my life for the last 20 years. I guess to me, saying 'good for you' implies that for all that time, I didn't work my ass off, or try to lose weight, or think about my body at all, which is far from the truth. Why didn't anyone commend me for all the time I struggled? I worked much harder at trying to lose weight year after year than I have since I discovered hCG. In comparison, it's been effortless, if only because there was actual reward for my effort, which had never happened before, even when the effort was nearly killing me.
That's also the reason that I get annoyed when people tell me, "That's great...but I'd rather (lose weight) on my own." As if I somehow took an easy way out.
Let me be clear...it's NEVER been easy. When I say Simeons' protocol was easy for me, that's because diet and exercise didn't work. Fantastic if it works for someone else, but I ate less on a daily basis than many people do in a meal for most of that 20 years, and still did not get smaller. I see people in my office every day with the same story, in tears because they've been told they aren't trying hard enough...if they just reduced the calories and moved more, they'd HAVE to get smaller. But they have and they didn't. They've starved themselves, they've hired personal trainers, they've work out 2-3 hours per day and STILL they were stuck. They tear up because they know I believe them--I've BEEN them.
Even now, when I am on maintenance, on-line calorie calculators tell me I should eat almost double what I can actually eat to maintain.
Every body is different. People like me didn't get fat because we were lazy or because we ate all the wrong food or huge portions. To be sure, there are people who do, and they know who they are. They will flat out say, "I got fat because..." and sure enough, they know their portion sizes are unreasonable and that they don't move enough. (So, FYI, they don't need you to tell them.) For those people a few habit changes are all that's required to get slim. But not all fat people are created equal!
/rant/
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