Day 25

Let's see...yesterday actually turned out to be productive and not too difficult, after the original disappointment.

I did go to work for the morning, came home and ate lunch, which was the usual protocol stuff. Then I spent over two hours on my hands and knees scrubbing my bathrooms top to bottom. That felt good. I was sweating and figured I'd be sore today, but I was not.

I had my dinner, minus the fruit. I wasn't willing to risk an orange again, and I only have one apple I need to take for lunch today in case I don't get shopping, though that's on my list to do. That and scrubbing my kicthen/dining/foyer floors. I do have one a.m. appointment, and then two this afternoon/evening. I should be home by 7-7:30 pm and I'll set up for tomorrow nights class, since I'll barely have time to eat with a full day of appointments and not even an hour after I get home.

I only released .4 lb. today, so I was right...it likely will take me the rest of the week just to get back to where I was. Damn!

I will admit to childishly feeling like, "That's not fair! YOU can eat all kinds of stuff on protocol! I SHOULD be able to!" knowing that the fact simply is, I'm not able to. I hadn't tested the theory much up until now, but considering that's the way it is for me in life as I live it, it would be so here and I should have known it. I'm for real when clients say, "But when will I be able to eat xyz again?" and I tell them, "Maybe never. Or, you may come to discover that for you, IF you want something that bad, you have just know that you'll pay for it. That some people can eat that day in and day out, but for you one bite is like poison to your body. And you have to know that and base your decisions accordingly. It's not fair, it just is. And it doesn't matter if you 'used' to be able to eat that at some point in your life. Your body is constantly changing, and you are learning what your body needs NOW, not then, to stay fit. There may be some things you have to look at like an alcoholic looks at alcohol or a diabetic looks at sugar, and just say no."

And that's where I am. I'm actually discouraged enough that if it were an opportune time, or if I weren't so close to that line, I'd probably quit. But today is not the day to go off protocol, and I am still just over the line. And looking at my social life for the next week or more, I have an event at which I'll be less likely to lose ground if I know I CAN'T have anything to eat or drink than if I can say to myself, "Well, it's just a little early...I can do that." So for that reason alone, I think I'll make it next weekend that I'll plan to stop. It will be pretty darn close to the 40 day mark, so it looks like essentially, I'm sticking it out.

Later-

This morning, someone told me I was going to blow away if the breeze kicked up, and asked me if I was "trying to lose all that weight". I said, 'Yep. When you figure out what was broke it's easy to fix. But I'm almost done.' That last part added because I figured she must have asked because I looked sick or something, but then did added that I was looking good, so maybe not. When I told someone about it at work they said I don't look sick, so that's reassuring, because she's not the first person to ask if I was losing weight so fast because I wanted to.

I did decide that I'm going to keep going with the remaining hCG and syringes I have left. When they are gone, I'm done, no matter where I am. That will take me just past a social event I have to attend, which is good. If I still have hCG in my system, stuff is much easier to resist, especially since I'm really clear on how far back that would set me at the moment. I'm not so sure I wouldn't find a way to justify that glass of wine or a yummy munchie if I were on stabilization, and that's where I screwed up last time. I'm going to be meticulous about it

Pants are too big today. I just tried them on this weekend! The 'small' shirt I have on actually fits without pulling at the buttons...as long as I'm not sitting. Grr.

I'm not hungry. It's almost 11:30 am. I did have an apple a while ago, and I'm currently drinking cherry chocolate flavored coffee so I'm all good.