Day 15 stabilization

So, not plugging those nuts as I ate them, and eating them so late, was a big mistake. Man they add up quick!

I'm up .7 of a lb. today, which according to Wii puts me .3 of a pound away from a steak day. It's a hard call. I've had steak two days in a row, and while my husband makes a mean steak and we eat it when he's around, I don't eat it on my own because it's really not a favorite, believe it or not. Anyway, I don't want to do an actual steak day today because I'm about 'steaked out'. Simeons protocol says I don't need to until I go over that threshold, BUT should that happen Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday, I'd be screwed, because I'm running from dawn until dusk each of those days, and I won't even be home for dinner. In fact, I'll likely be eating 'dinner' in my car.

Tomorrow, if I needed to I could do a steak day, but I would be eating really late as Dave has an eye appointment after work and won't get home to deal with the grill until late.

IF I were to need the steak day to get back on track, and IF it happened during those days that I can't do a steak day, my new 'set point' would be where I am at that time. That happened to me last time, and I'm not going to let it happen again. So, what I think I'll do is make some eggs, and if this gain doesn't come off just by cutting out the nuts and being careful for a day or two, I'll do a modified steak day with eggs since they are portable.

Later-

I had cheese and bacon for breakfast. I had a feta/cuke serving of salad for lunch. I had my usual coffee with cream. For dinner I had a piece of white pizza and a couple of choco delite pieces. All total, I'm at just over 1000 calories at 5:30 pm. With the 45 minutes of yoga I did, I can have hundreds more. I'm going to go down and get 1/2 hour of Wii in too. Really. Like now.

Day 14 stabilization

Even with as much as I ate yesterday (and much of it is still traveling through my system) I only gained .2 lb. yesterday. Unless of course the fact that I weighted 4 hours later than I typically do had any bearing on the total. It's ok. It's not a steak day! :-) Tomorrow may be, but tonight is not.

So, I'm going to get some yoga in. I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing, perhaps longer than the week I have left of the no sugar/no starch, because the first couple of weeks were messed up. Than I'll had more fruits and stuff SUPER slow and increase the exercise as I go to try to find that balance.

Later-

We did 40 minutes of family yoga. It was nice. I hope to do something a little longer for myself tomorrow.

I got caught up in some frustrating computer stuff (Where the hell did my 'contacts' go? And where is my file for class handouts??!) so I didn't get to Wii again though.

I didn't eat until lunch, at which time I ate more tomato/cuke salad. When we got back from shopping, I had 1/2 of an apple and some nuts and seeds...probably a tablespoon sunflower seeds, and between the cashews and macs, less than 1/4 cup of nuts.

Later I had two oz. of cheese. For dinner, 6 or 8 spears grilled asparagus and steak again. I don't know why...it looked good when we went shopping I guess.

I had two glasses of wine after dinner, but started getting loopy, so I switched to water by about 8 or 9.

We stayed up late and watched a little comedy, but this is where I got into trouble. I wasn't really hungry, and I let myself have some pistachios, and later (very late) some almonds. Not many mind you, but a small handful of each. Nuts add up! It was late, I didn't plug them into FitDay as I ate them.

Day 13 stabilization

I did not do either Wii or yoga last night. I shopped for a new bathing suit on eBay instead. :-)

I had two pieces of cauliflower crust pizza with white toppings (artichoke hearts, grilled chicken, alfredo sauce, sun dried tomatoes, mushrooms, parm, asiago, chevre) for dinner. I had two glasses of wine and was a little lit, actually. I had s few pieces of choco-delight. I'm down .5 of a pound as of 5:30 this morning, but it may be another .5 after my morning thus far. I actually feel smaller and noticed bones in my chest I don't normally see too. As long as it's going in the right direction, it's all good.

I paced my feta/cuke salad, a 100g piece of chicken and an apple for lunch, and a handful of macs are in my purse should I be stuck anywhere. I should be able to come home for lunch, and it doesn't look like a long day, but you never know. Preparedness prevents slips.

Later-

I did have the macs. The day did get turned upside down!

For dinner I had a huge filet and a pile of broccoli I was stuffed, and that was unnecessary. The fancy wine and protocol chocolate where necessary. :-O

Still, I was somehow able to bring it in around the recommended calorie count. There was no exercise yesterday.

I'll be doing some vigorous cleaning today, and I'd like to do the yoga or Wii I didn't get to yesterday if I can get it in before my honey gets home. Not sure what we might do for dinner yet.

Day 12 stabilization

Up 1.1, which probably puts me over, or damn close. However, I'm not doing another steak day for a couple of reasons. For one, I'm really sore from all the shoveling. I'm tired. That could contribute to a gain. For another, my coffee didn't kick in until at least an hour after I weighed since I had to be up so early. I'm sure between the two I'll be down tomorrow. If I'm not, I'll do a steak day again.

Today I had bacon and cheese for breakfast, macs for a snack, more cheese when I got home from work. Later, I was jonesin' for some veggies, so I made a feta/cuke/tomato/onion salad. I had about a cup of that. With the cream in my coffee, that puts me at probably around 1000-1200 calories so far. I think I'm either going to go do some yoga or Wii, then I have one appointment this afternoon and which ever one I don't do now, I'll do later. It won't be the kind of work out I got yesterday and the day before, but hopefully will cancel out what I eat today. I've been pretty hungry, oddly enough.

Day 11 stabilization

Yesterday, I did have some macs at some point during the day. And then I had one piece of cauliflower crust pizza for dinner.

I did 90 minutes of yoga.

I had two quarter size pieces of chocolate delight and 2 glasses of wine.

This am I was down .5 lb.

This morning I've had coffee and about 1/2 cup of cottage cheese.

I shoveled for an hour...AGAIN. I was going to fit 90 min. of yoga in before the two appointments I have this afternoon, but I'm pooped. I'll do it this afternoon, even if I have to shovel again. I'm going to need to stretch out the kinks. Although, if I do have to shovel again, I may do the 40 min. yoga instead of 90 min.

I'm thinking I might have an apple or something before I leave for my appointments, and then lunch when I get back. I have no idea what I might want to have, but there's some protocol chili in the fridge that needs to be eaten, so probably that.

Later-

I did eat 200g beef in protocol chili with cheese on top. I did shovel again, and did an hour of yoga.

Around 6-6:30 pm I ate a big pile of Brussel sprouts with mayo and mustard, not because I was very hungry, but because I thought I might be later and didn't want to eat much closer to bed. FitDay said I could have about 1000 more calories still, but I know it over estimates. Still, there's no way I'll have that even if I have wine and/or chocolate delight tonight...and I don't know that I will, but it's likely since I can. :-)

Day 10 stabilization

I was down .9 lb. this am.
I slept well last night. It still didn't seem like I caught up though. I woke up at 5 am, before the alarm. I tried to go back to sleep--even hit snooze--but couldn't.
I forgot to eat breakfast. I did have coffee with cream.
I had appointments this morning.
For lunch I ate 100g chicken with swiss and bacon, followed by a handful of strawberries.
I shoveled snow for about an hour this afternoon.
I'm back to work in about an hour.
Don't know what I'll do for dinner yet. That chicken/pecan/blue cheese number I had last night was pretty good.
That is my exciting life.

Later-
Damn it! Mittlesmirtz!

So, in reflecting if there might be an emotional variable along with everything else, I realized the last time I was this weight was when I had my engagement pictures taken. I had gained 20 lb. after graduating HS...and that put me here where I am today. I had been around a size 5 through HS, and was up to a size 7. I thought I was huge.

I was desperate to lose that before I got married. For a year, I starved myself; living off mini-whites (speed/amphetamines), diet Coke and smokes. I got down to 102 and a size 3. Seriously, my head looked too big for my body. I also gave myself a killer kidney infection with a fever so high I hallucinated and pain so bad I would say along with a burst ovarian cyst or my broken arm, it easily was the worst pain I've ever experienced. That was what I put my body through the last time I got below this weight.

Day 9 stabilization

I have no clue what I weighed this am. I was up at 4:30 am, out the door by 6 am. I stayed in a hotel last night and didn't bring the Wii since it was just one night, and it would do no good to weigh on a different scale because they are all different.

I'm just going to assume that because the steak day worked last time, it worked this time. I just won't know how much, even tomorrow. I should be down, but if it did what it did last time, I could be down by just tenths of a pound because I could gain 1/2 of it back today. It's like 2 steps forward, 1 step back.

It was a better day for clients though...one lost 12 lb. last week, one lost 42 lb. in 5 weeks with a week left to go, which means the total for 6 weeks should be about 50 lb. gone, and another who has had a hard time with stabilization for the opposite reason as me...keeps losing.

I'll just hang in there and see how things go. What else is there to do? I like where I am now and want to stay there...no matter what it takes. I can't do another round until mid to late summer so I just have to micromanage this situation until I don't have to micromanage any more.

Later-

Oh! At about 7 am I had an apple, around 10 I had a handful of macs, around noon I had 100g piece of chicken and 2 oz. of cheese...and coffee with cream. I had no cream in the early morning java.

I will have time to do yoga; the question is do I have the energy. I am NOT a morning person, and as far as I'm concerned I got up in the middle of the night, though technically termed 'this morning'. So frankly, depending on how I feel, I may not even do it when I get home. Logically, I know if I can just MAKE myself do it, I'll feel better and sleep better. It's just finding the mojo to motivate.

Day 8 stabilization

I was down .2 lb. this a.m., but I am still doing a steak day. It's just too, too close.

So, there is really nothing to report because I'm not exerting too much extra energy because I'm not eating for about another 1/2 hour. I went shopping. :-) That's about the extent of my activity for the day.

I will hit the hot tub after dinner at some point.

I got to thinking about it, and I wonder if I took any vitamins during the protocol this time. I don't recall. I take them when I remember, and if I thought they didn't have starch or sugar, there would be no reason not to. Because it was cold and flu season when I was on maintenance last time, I bet I took them then. I know I was around some sickies over protocol, so I bet I did at least when I knew I'd been exposed or felt punky. That would explain so much!

If this is indeed the problem, I think I will extend my 'no sugar no starch' time by a week or two to lock it in. And then perhaps I will do another round in August, depending on how fit I get between now and then. If I can keep it under that 'overweight' BMI and still build some muscle, I wouldn't do another. I like where I am. I don't need to be a size 4.

Day 7 stabilization

My first week of three down, but I will say it's been a challenge.

Today I'm back up like 1.4 or 1.6. Whatever the number was, it put me up to exactly the 2 lb. over mark. But here I have to make a judgment call on two counts: (TMI for some people follows) One, I can't recall that my body did any 'house cleaning' yesterday at all. And while I certainly ate within the limits of the amount of food I should be able to eat, especially with the amount of movement I did, it was a decent amount of food that should have been 'processed' by now. Two, I am sore beyond sore today. That 90 min. of yoga was even harder than I thought, and with the brisk hour of walking, my muscles worked. When muscles are sore like that, they are healing/repairing. We build muscle by damaging them just a little by pushing them beyond capacity. As they repair, they build a little bit extra to serve us better in the event we are going to make a habit out of needing that little bit more. While muscle does weigh more than fat, it's too soon for muscle to show up on the scale...but the water does.

Since I actually feel a little smaller, and I've stuck to the rules and had no sugar no starch (I grated the Asiago, Parm and Mozzarella for the pizza last night to avoid the starch in pre-grated cheese) all week...even at an event with yeasty, starchy, sugary goodness...so I'm going to assume that this isn't actually a gain, but a result of the factors mentioned. It may come back to bite me in the ass, but if I'm wrong, and I actually go over the 2 lb. mark tomorrow, I'll do a steak day. I actually may anyway even if I remain the same just because we have the steak and it's a close call. We'll see.

Later-

FitDay estimates I've eaten about 1600 calories and can consume up to about 2000 because I did about 45 minutes of yoga. I'm going to go get some Wii in after I'm done here too.

In any event this is how the day shaped up:

Breakfast-3 slices bacon and 2 oz. cheese. Coffee with cream.
Lunch-Handful of macs and a handful of strawberries.
More coffee in afternoon, and two cups Smooth Move tea
Dinner-one chicken breast (less than 200 g.)with swiss and bacon and a tossed salad.
Water, water, water, water.

It's 7 pm and after Wii, I may have a glass of wine and/or a cocoa bite of goodness.

I'd been looking at past stabilization periods trying to figure out what the deal is, and I think I figured it out!

As I was dumping a handful of vitamins out to take (C,D, multi, pro-biotic, mag/cal, potassium...it was a handful) it occurred to me that while I had taken vitamins as soon as protocol was over every time, I'd gotten lazy about reading labels. We don't purchase a particular brand; what if the brands this time or the last time had sugar or starch? I had a huge handful twice a day.

Sure enough! Everyone of them (store brand) had cellulose, starch and/or sugar! So then I tried to remember if the days I remembered to take them all were worse than other days. I can't recall.

So, I'm cutting those out. I suspect tomorrow will be a steak day, unless the Smooth Move evens stuff out. I'm hoping it does so that even if I bump over, it's not too bad.

I did take my first round of vitamins this morning if I recall, so if that's it, I will certainly need the steak day. I'll just have to cut them out and see what happens.

Day 6 stabilization

I never did check in later in the day. It was sort of busy.

Either it was not how many calories was eating, but WHAT I was eating that was the problem, the Wii really did need batteries, or yoga did the trick.

I actually ate about 2,000 calories yesterday. I had bacon and cheese before I left the house. I had an apple and macs late morning, and a chicken breast and cheese slices on the run in early afternoon. I had several cups of coffee with cream. I again grabbed a chicken breast and cheese slices before a social event where I didn't want to eat the yummy (but mostly carb) food. I neither ate nor drank at the event.

In the middle of the day, I had about an hour and a half where I could come home, so I did, and I fit in 40 min. of yoga.

After the event, here is the thought process that led to the justification of a glass of wine:

I did really well at the event. I really didn't want anything there. But why didn't I drink that glass of wine I had them pour for me? Well, for one I was driving myself home. One glass of wine and I'm lit, and I'm not driving, even if it was only 2 miles. But (notice, lots of buts) my reasoning behind no wine was that I thought it made stabilization harder last time, and this time I needed a steak day in the first 3 days...how much harder can it be? And if I need another steak day, it should be this weekend when Dave can be out grilling. Blah, blah, blah.

So, I had a glass of wine. I also had two chocolate delights, because dark chocolate goes fabulously with red wine.

I'm down .4 today. Thus, I'll keep experimenting. :-)

Later-

Let's see, today consisted of:

Breakfast: 3 slices bacon, 2 oz. cheese

Snack: 1 apple

Lunch: 100 g. chicken and 2 oz. cheese

Snack: handful of macs

Dinner: 1 piece cauliflower crust white pizza (and I snitched about an oz of mozzarella while I was making it)

I did the long form yoga, so that's an hour and a half of pretty difficult yoga, and walked 3 miles at a brisk pace in the cold.

FitDay tells me that according to my calories in/calories out, I can have about 500 more which I do not intend to have, but I likely will have a glass of wine or two, and a couple of pieces of protocol chocolate. I'll still come in under count.

I won't have that until later though, because in the past it seems that the wine is more likely to be a problem if I have it with food. For now I'll down a couple more bottles of water.

I should be able to get plenty of exercise in this weekend too. It's supposed to be nice, and I think I'll just have to make the yoga a priority. It makes me feel so good!

Day 5-Stabilization

For this round, calling this phase 'stabilization' is a misnomer.

I gained 1.3 today! I have no clue why. I had one fruit-an apple early in the day-no snacks, came in well under the calorie count, didn't eat anything after dinner. There is no explanation I can see for this except for Dave's comment about 'spooky behavior' when he also gained today. He had a busy day yesterday, ate small amounts of good food all day, played ball. He's never gained after a day like that in the 6 months he's been tracking. He always loses after basketball.

When he mentioned spooky behavior, I asked him if he had changed the batteries in the Wii; we'd both been getting messages that the batteries are low. Both of us were trying to eek out all the power we could get, so neither of us has changed them. I'll do that later today when I go down to basement for yoga, which BTW, is what I think kept me so stable in the past. I did Wii a lot, but it was yoga I did consistently. This time I'm already getting up so early I didn't want to get up even earlier...like 4 am...to get my yoga in.

Currently I get up two hours before I have to leave the house. I spend the first hour getting a couple of cups of coffee in, seeing what's going on in the world and journaling. The next hour I spend getting ready for work in a fairly leisurely way, including packing food and organizing any errands I'll need to run. I really like it this way. To get 90 min. of yoga in before work, I'd have to get up at 4 am if I wanted to keep the basics of this routine. I'm already ready for bed by about 9 pm these days. Hell, if I get up earlier, I'll be going to bed before the sun goes down here soon. Since I'm not willing to run the 'getting ready' time (I find that things get forgotten and accidents tend to happen when people are rushed and distracted instead of deliberate and mindful) I perhaps should shorten my 'me' time, get in one less cup of coffee and complete the short form (40 min.) yoga. I'll see what happens tomorrow, and then figure out my new routine to start on Monday.

Day 32/Day 4

I think I'm just going to move onto what day I'm in regarding stabilization and maintenance. I'm getting confused trying to keep track of both.

Well...finally something worked exactly like it was supposed to! The steak day brought me down 2.6 lb. today!!! Oh happy day! I am finally over the line and 'NORMAL'! Like I said yesterday, I was according to the work scale, but the Wii has been my constant companion.

I'm sticking to mostly proteins for a few days until I know this is under control. I don't want to do another steak day if I don't have to, even if the payoff is nice. Not eating all day isn't torture; I didn't get a headache or anything. I managed fine. It's just work to keep yourself constantly distracted. And if I were to have one of those days when Dave is gone, I would have to modify somehow, which makes it tricky. I may have to play with my options to see what might work.

Anyway, my menu right away is...nothing. I'm going to take coffee to work (with cream!) but I only have one appointment, then some errands to run. I know I'll be home by lunch, but I'll take an apple and some nuts anyway (if we have apples...may have to put that on the list of errands). Neither is the strict protein I intend to eat all day, but I'm only taking them because they are portable, in the event that I need emergency food if I do get held up. I don't want to eat something forbidden simply because it's all I can find. Otherwise, I won't be touching them.

That's a very important strategy to begin on protocol and to continue forever. A lot of people don't eat when they have healthy food available, then when they are hungry, they eat what's handy, which is usually not good for their health or pants. We went for a hike once and stopped at a coffee shop on the way thinking we could all get a snack. In addition to coffee, they had ice-cream, biscotti, fudge, candy, chips, soda...not ONE thing in this huge place was a protein source. NOT ONE. Everyone else got stuff, but I went across the street to the gas station and got a little bag of cashews. I wasn't on protocol and was just past stabilization/maintenance so I could have had anything. But I knew that if I went hiking after dumping simple sugar into my system like that, on an empty stomach, I'd be in trouble. I wanted protein with a little bit of carb. Nuts were perfect. You'd be surprised how often you go to a restaurant or event where food is served, to find not one veggie, no nuts, no cheese...just everything wrapped pastry, lots of sweets and of course breads. My motto now is if it isn't SPECTACULAR bread, it's not worth it.

11:30 a.m. -ish

I actually didn't get to eat...nor drink much water...until just now. I stopped to visit some friends at Marian University when I picked up my book for my next class and it was so nice to see them! I missed them very much. It will be odd to not be working with them this spring.

Since I just planned to drop in and say hi, not bug them for an hour, I didn't eat anything before I went in. By the time I got back to my car, I was feeling pretty hungry! When I got home I had 4 pieces of bacon (3 and some scraps, but I'm rounding up), about 2 oz. of caraway farmer's cheese and an apple. FitDay puts that at just under 700 calories, so around half of my daily allotment if I'm going for 1,200 to 1,400 to see if the lower calorie total what I need to maintain, or if it is food specific. I'll drink lots of water this afternoon, I'm not thinking I'll have any more coffee. I'd like to do the chicken/pecan/blue cheese salad tonight, but I need to go shopping, which I'd have to do after work when I'm hungry. That's a bad idea. Before work I have to go to the DMV and then back to work for 3 more appointments, so I really can't run over there now unless I hit at different store that's closer. I guess I could do that.

Anyway, at this point I don't see that it will be a problem to keep the calories down where I want them to be.

Day 31/Day 3

I don't know what the hell is going on, but this stabilization is just as whacked this time around as the whole protocol was!

I gained 1.3 lb. according to the scale. That still puts me .2 lb. beneath the '2 lb. over my last hCG weight' limit, but I'm going to have to do a steak day today. I actually should wait and see if there is another gain tomorrow and do it then if there is, however, my husband won't be here to make steak tomorrow. (I can't eat meat if I deal with it raw...I'm a hypocrite, not a carnivore. I wouldn't eat meat at all if I could stay thin without it. Sadly, I've come to realize being vegetarian is what made me fat & unhealthy. And I wasn't one of those vegetarians who didn't eat veggies!) So anyway, even though I've already had cream in my coffee, for the rest of the day, no cream, no food. I'll have one more cup of coffee black, and water...period. Then I'll have a great big steak and an apple tonight.

Tomorrow Dave has an out of town meeting during the day and plays basketball tomorrow night, not to mention I have a hypnosis appointment after my last appointment at work, so I'll be fending for myself with a quick meal; likely a protein shake.

My job is to troubleshoot this situation at this point. I'm eating about what FitDay says I need to eat to maintain. I'm guessing even that is too much for me. I'm also wondering if having oranges is too much sugar, natural or not, for me. I've had one each day.

So, steak day today to try to even that out, perhaps with some Smooth Move tea so that I can get back to where I can accurately figure out where I really am. The rest of the week, I'm going to concentrate on protein, and try to keep my calorie count a few hundred calories less than what fit day says I should be at. That should give me a fresh start, but since I've never gained like this before, I'm only guessing. I'm just going by what Simeons said in Pounds & Inches. I've done I think 2 steak days in the entire year. There were two days when I should have done steak days too, but didn't because Dave was out of town and I was on the run (like tomorrow would be). That is what bumped me up and made stabilization a bit harder last time. However, it was still nothing like this. I didn't run into issues this soon. I was weeks into it...after Thanksgiving and that wine I added too early in the process...before I dealt with this stuff.

11 am

Man I hate steak days! I hate 'em more than apple days!

It's not even noon yet and I'm hungry. I'm chewing gum and drinking water. I'm trying to stay distracted. I'm punched out but staying at work hoping it will be easier to not think about food if my kitchen isn't right there.

I did hop on the Tanita at work though, and there was good news and bad news. The bad news is that I weighed 136.6, however that is fully clothed and after about 2 liters of water and 5 cups of coffee (and my cups are mugs, so it was like a whole pot) so it was probably pretty close to what the home scale says.

The good news is that the Tanita tells me I have a HEALTHY BMI!! It puts me at 25.8 (if I were that on the Wii I'd be over that damn line!)My 'fat free mass' is 100.8 lb. and my water percentage is 54%. It estimates my daily caloric requirement as 2189, which is about what LiveStrong calculates, but more than FitDay...and they are all wrong, because I know I got far less than that the last couple of days and still gained. But I know that from the past as well. I also know that if I cut out all carbs, including veggies and fruits, I will maintain better. I don't want to do that this time though. I want to find a balance that will allow me to have those in my life and still stay put. I may have to cut them out for a little while though.

Later-

Had my steak and it was good. The apple was even better. My tummy is making the most bizarre sounds! It's a little like alien.

I am very tired, and oddly...well the only way I can explain it is to say full and hungry at the same time. It's very weird. In any event, I figure a hot bath and bed is better for me right now than the Wii, so I relinquished my time so Dave can do it, and I'm going up for that bubbly bath and then bed, hopefully to sleep deeply all night and wake up back where I belong.

Oh, also oddly, I had a couple of people tell me I LOOKED thinner today, and I FELT thinner today...scale obscenity notwithstanding.

Day 30/Day 2

Up .7 this morning, but not too worried about that either. As I've pointed out before, I typically weigh more when I weigh earlier, not to mention that all that food I ate yesterday has yet to make its way all the way through my system. Still, with the small gain yesterday, and the small loss the day before, I'm still only 1/2 lb. over my last hCG weight. I actually feel smaller today. I'm going to go out on a limb here and predict that the scale will continue to go down incrementally as long as I stay within my parameters.

So far today, coffee with cream, about 100 calories. I haven't entered stuff on FitDay as I have to get ready for work, but I will after lunch. I may have had breakfast by then too, but I'm not sure what that will be yet.

Noon-ish

My total so far is about 750-800 calories: 3 slices of bacon and an apple for breakfast, chicken on lettuce with Walden Farms dressing for lunch, 4 cups of coffee with cream and one piece of chocolate delight. I've had maybe two liters of water so far.

Later

I also had some macs later, and 1/2 cup cottage cheese and an orange later still. I made more chocolate delight later so had another couple of quarter sized pieces.

I did about 45 minutes of Wii, and realized I am sore from yesterday. I did lift some free weights, but only 8 reps each side. I didn't think I'd be sore. I probably could expect to be up another tiny notch tomorrow if my muscles are holding on to water as they heal.

I'm actually thinking of going to bed as neither Dave nor I slept well last night, so hopefully a good night's sleep will negate some of that expected gain. It should be small, so nothing to worry about, and water then is gone usually the following day. It just makes it harder to track. I know better. I don't know why I did that. It just felt good to lift weights!

Day 29 protocol-Day 1 stabilization

Yea! Today I get cream in my coffee!!!

I've already been to FitDay which is where I record every single thing I eat and add up my calories. I just put in that I'll have 4 tblsp. of heavy cream, even though I've only had one so far. I know I'll likely have 4 cups of coffee and they will ALL have cream!

FitDay also tell me how many calories I can have each day to maintain my weight. It will add up my activities as I plug them in so that if I burn more, it will tell me how many more I can eat. LiveStrong Daily Plate does the same thing, I believe, but I know from helping clients figure out what their daily calorie count should be that it figures high. Actually, I know from experience that for me, FitDay does too. For instance, it says for my age, activity level and weight, I should consume about 1,700 calories per day. I know that if I do, I will gain. I actually need to stay around 1,200-1,500 to maintain. That is weight LOSS range for most people, but for me it is where I stay stable. Or ate least it has been in the past. We'll see this time. If I have to modulate, I will.

Today I was up .2 of a pound, although those little ups and downs are normal during this stage. Still the damn line eludes me! I'm not worried about it for two reasons. First, I know why it's there. I ate after dark last night. I forgot to eat my fruit after dinner, so I had it around 8 pm. And I did stay up late and was having a hard time, so I had a few more nuts. I know that during stabilization neither of those things is an issue, and I know that the hCG was essentially out of my system or I wouldn't have been hungry, but I also know that food eaten so close to bed is going to be stored. I need to just program into my brain (hypnosis!) that I need avoid food after dark like a vampire avoids light. So, I .2 gain...not a big deal.

I still don't know what I will have for breakfast. I guess it depends on what Dave has. If he has cereal, I'll have cottage cheese and strawberries. If he has an omelet, I'll share that. No matter what I choose, it will go into the FitDay log so I can make sure I stay somewhere in the 1,200-1,600 range.

11:21 am

I did have 1/2 cup (heaping) of cottage cheese and 5 strawberries for breakfast. With the coffee and cream, FitDay puts me at about 400 calories so far today.

We decided we are going to have steak and stuffed mushrooms for our Valentine's Day dinner. I'm going to see if I can find a desert that just uses Stevia and allowable items...perhaps something with cocoa but no starch. We'll see what I find.

4:53 pm

We just had dinner. I had a 200g steak and 3 stuffed mushrooms, which is about 600 calories. I've had two more cups of coffee with cream, so about another 100 calories. FitDay calculates that with the hour of Wii I did so far today, I can consume about 1,776 calories. I have thus far consumed about 1,730. I may have a piece or two of chocolate delight later. I don't know. It's too cold to go for a walk, so maybe Dave and I will do yoga or a Wii competition to burn off a few of those extra calories.

Day 28

Let's see; I continued to eat per protocol all day. I was really hungry by dinner because I got held up for longer than expected.

Today I got up late and had to pull everything together for the class I was teaching. I had an apple and some macs because I didn't want the house to smell like chicken and cabbage or something with a pregnant mom's sensitive nose (and perhaps tummy) coming in for the day. By the time I was done teaching, I was VERY hungry and did have that chicken and cabbage. Now I'm drinking coffee.

This a.m. I was down .4 lb. and my underwear are too big.

I still will be eating protocol for the duration of the night, though I know from experience that I may be very, very hungry if I end up staying up late. I may need a little something hi-pro by the end. We'll see.

People have asked me what I'm going to eat once I can have anything I want except starch and sugar, and pretty much I have to say probably the same things I've been eating, at least for awhile. I know that eggs, some nuts, and cauliflower crust pizza are on the menu. I know I will likely want a tomato cucumber salad with feta, is likely something I'll make, and blue cheese burgers. Tonight Dave wants chili, but now we make protocol chili anyway, so that's what I'll have too. I don't know if I'll add too much cheese right away. We'll see how it goes. I did buy caraway farmers and a veggie cheddar that I like.

The biggest thing I look forward to is my cream in my coffee tomorrow. What I will still be missing for another couple of weeks...maybe up to three...is wine. Oddly enough though, right this very minute it doesn't sound remotely interesting. I just know that it comes up from time to time; it has during protocol and I'm sure it will during stabilization/maintenance. At least I don't have any social engagements coming up (other than the charity fund-raiser thing, but I'm not too worried about that anymore) where I'll be tempted. I've made too much progress.

Speaking of, my last hCG weight was 132.8 with a BMI of around 27. I'm still right on the line of 'overweight/normal' for weight according to Wii. AARP says my BMI should be between 18-26. Other places say 16-25. I'm close either way.

Typically, the last hCG weight is where you lock in, but I'm not even sure if that's what I should do. Nothing about this round was typical. Frankly, since I see the rest of my life as 'maintenance' now, I don't see a problem with continuing to lose if it's just a little. I know that when I took that stance before, I just gained it back really quickly during the loading phase of the next round, but I don't intend to have to do this again. Like Dave, I figure perhaps my body will work like it's supposed to now, and if I just keep really close tabs on calories in/calories out, I should be able to stay pretty close to where I am. But since I was shooting for 124, if I continued in that direction, I'd be ok with that, as long as it was slow and effortless.

Day 27

I'm not even sure why I'm continuing at this point, to be honest. It was a zero day. Yesterday was exhausting. It was 16 hours of non-stop talking, and believe it or not, even for me, enough is enough! I fell into a deep sleep the instant my head hit the pillow, and I really would love to still be there!

I went to bed hungry, although I was able to get all my 500 calorie protocol foods in. I woke up hungry to a big fat zero, and was more disappointed than ever to not be under that 'overweight' line into normal range. Maybe I'll just never be normal. :-)

Anyway, I went back to my diary of all past rounds to see if this had happened before, and what I might have done to manage it. There were only about 4 other times in the whole year where I gained a pound or more. Most larger gains were under that, and I would gain like .7 or .9 and then release .5 the next day and equal or more the day after. With the biggest gains, I always had gotten rid of it within two or three days, sometimes the very next day, and only once was there a zero day soon after. This happened more on the second round, which I started too soon on the heels of the first round, and I quit after 17 days and 11 lb. because it was harder than it should have been...like this time. So, I wonder if it's less about the hCG and more about my body just needing that time between rounds...regardless of what my head wanted. I never did anything special to correct with any of the gains. My apple days were always with two or three days of zeros...not gains. And really, I got little out of those for the most part.

If I didn't have that social event coming up, I would quit today. I just don't trust myself to go to this thing and not have wine and munchies if I don't have the deterrent of the hCG...and there is some hope beyond hope I guess that I'll be able to get just 3 or 4 more lb. out of this, as unlikely as that is looking. This just may be where my body wants me to be for a year or so. Maybe the rest will come off all by itself.

On a positive note, I hear birds singing outside and it was light when I got up this am! Spring really will be here soon, even if it was in the negative single digits this morning!

Later-

I had some time to sit and meditate on what I should do with this situation. I ultimately came to the conclusion that I should listen to what I've told several clients this week...sometimes it's your body that decides when you are done. All of my self-talk even here seems to be saying that. My intuition says there is no reason to keep going, and I shouldn't be worried about this social event. I'll do fine no matter where I am in the program. Social events are part of the fabric of life, and there's no reason I can't attend and not eat or drink. There is no guarantee that I won't mess up, but if I do, it will be with consciousness. I did realize however, that a lot of my clients will be at this event, and that may be almost as good as hCG in regard to accountability.

So, yesterday was my last shot. I continue today and tomorrow just as I did yesterday and each day while on protocol before that. From experience, I know that as the hCG leaves the system, sometimes that 3rd day is a bear, but we'll see what happens this time. I really have no clue how it will go...or how stabilization and maintenance will go this time. This round has been so different in so many ways, I don't really know what to expect.

Day 26

Another -.4 day. I was right; it's going to take me at least until tomorrow to make up for that 1.1 gain. So I lost 4, maybe 5, days for something that wasn't even a fun or satisfying cheat...it was just something I've been able to do in a pinch (and many others do all the time) without consequence. I just added time to an already seemingly endless round.

I know; not very inspiring. The round I actually decide to document for all to see is a struggle. But hey, there were moments in the other rounds too. They were just overall a breeze.

I'll take my lunch today. I have 11 consults today, followed by barely enough time to eat something for dinner, and then I teach a class tonight. I will busy from the time I get up from this computer until I drop into bed. I didn't even look ahead to tomorrow. I have no clue what it holds, but I know at least after 5 I'm done. This weekend I should have time for some exercise. I should be able to drop below that 'normal' line.

I will be working on stuff for my next HypnoBirthing series, which starts in a couple of weeks, ordering books for my next classes which start in a couple of weeks, and figuring out how to pay for it all, which is on my mind constantly.

Sigh. I guess I should get my act together and get this day started.

Day 25

Let's see...yesterday actually turned out to be productive and not too difficult, after the original disappointment.

I did go to work for the morning, came home and ate lunch, which was the usual protocol stuff. Then I spent over two hours on my hands and knees scrubbing my bathrooms top to bottom. That felt good. I was sweating and figured I'd be sore today, but I was not.

I had my dinner, minus the fruit. I wasn't willing to risk an orange again, and I only have one apple I need to take for lunch today in case I don't get shopping, though that's on my list to do. That and scrubbing my kicthen/dining/foyer floors. I do have one a.m. appointment, and then two this afternoon/evening. I should be home by 7-7:30 pm and I'll set up for tomorrow nights class, since I'll barely have time to eat with a full day of appointments and not even an hour after I get home.

I only released .4 lb. today, so I was right...it likely will take me the rest of the week just to get back to where I was. Damn!

I will admit to childishly feeling like, "That's not fair! YOU can eat all kinds of stuff on protocol! I SHOULD be able to!" knowing that the fact simply is, I'm not able to. I hadn't tested the theory much up until now, but considering that's the way it is for me in life as I live it, it would be so here and I should have known it. I'm for real when clients say, "But when will I be able to eat xyz again?" and I tell them, "Maybe never. Or, you may come to discover that for you, IF you want something that bad, you have just know that you'll pay for it. That some people can eat that day in and day out, but for you one bite is like poison to your body. And you have to know that and base your decisions accordingly. It's not fair, it just is. And it doesn't matter if you 'used' to be able to eat that at some point in your life. Your body is constantly changing, and you are learning what your body needs NOW, not then, to stay fit. There may be some things you have to look at like an alcoholic looks at alcohol or a diabetic looks at sugar, and just say no."

And that's where I am. I'm actually discouraged enough that if it were an opportune time, or if I weren't so close to that line, I'd probably quit. But today is not the day to go off protocol, and I am still just over the line. And looking at my social life for the next week or more, I have an event at which I'll be less likely to lose ground if I know I CAN'T have anything to eat or drink than if I can say to myself, "Well, it's just a little early...I can do that." So for that reason alone, I think I'll make it next weekend that I'll plan to stop. It will be pretty darn close to the 40 day mark, so it looks like essentially, I'm sticking it out.

Later-

This morning, someone told me I was going to blow away if the breeze kicked up, and asked me if I was "trying to lose all that weight". I said, 'Yep. When you figure out what was broke it's easy to fix. But I'm almost done.' That last part added because I figured she must have asked because I looked sick or something, but then did added that I was looking good, so maybe not. When I told someone about it at work they said I don't look sick, so that's reassuring, because she's not the first person to ask if I was losing weight so fast because I wanted to.

I did decide that I'm going to keep going with the remaining hCG and syringes I have left. When they are gone, I'm done, no matter where I am. That will take me just past a social event I have to attend, which is good. If I still have hCG in my system, stuff is much easier to resist, especially since I'm really clear on how far back that would set me at the moment. I'm not so sure I wouldn't find a way to justify that glass of wine or a yummy munchie if I were on stabilization, and that's where I screwed up last time. I'm going to be meticulous about it

Pants are too big today. I just tried them on this weekend! The 'small' shirt I have on actually fits without pulling at the buttons...as long as I'm not sitting. Grr.

I'm not hungry. It's almost 11:30 am. I did have an apple a while ago, and I'm currently drinking cherry chocolate flavored coffee so I'm all good.

Day 24

I don't know how some people 'cheat' and get away with it. I've read on lists recently, and talked to people, who have eaten totally off protocol, either with foods or wine, and still lost weight. Me, I have crappy day, eat stuff that's been ok before, and gain.

As recorded yesterday, I was feeling punky. Not sick exactly, but tired and like I might have been exposed to something I wanted to nip in the bud. Or, I might have just been whipped from nearly two weeks of PMS and the period from hell. I don't know. I just didn't feel great.

I was hungry too, and craving something like toast or cupcakes or a peanut butter sandwich. It wasn't as much of a desire for a specific food, but more like a texture. I decided macadamia nuts were better than actually eating something really off protocol. It did nothing. I had coffee, which upset my stomach. I had more water; still hungry and getting a bit of a headache.

So I had dinner. Chicken, lettuce, melba and while I was going to skip the fruit to mitigate the macs, I was still hungry, so I had the orange.

My mouth felt much better (that orange was bliss!) but after about an hour, hungry again! More water did nothing, decaf just tasted icky. I decided to just remove myself from the situation. I took a hot bath.

But even in the bath I was distracted and hungry, as in my tummy hurt hungry. I would have just went to bed, but it was only like 7:30 pm. I wasn't watching TV or getting any outside prompts to eat. No one was here making good food with smells that were driving me crazy. I had plenty to do (though I didn't feel much like doing anything) so I wasn't bored. There was nothing particularly yummy in my kitchen calling my name.

I decided I really must be hungry, or it was a period craving, but I refused to cave to the 'want' for something like bread. I decided the only safe options were things that had been ok before, so I had another handful of macs and a couple of quarter sized pieces of coco-delite.

Of course, that's not what my body wanted, but I refused to give in. Instead, I did go to bed by 8:30 pm. I slept like a rock and was loathe to get up this morning, but we didn't get 'Blizzard Doug' that I can tell, so I have to go to work.

And now I'm crabby besides, because while I ultimately probably ate double my 500 calories and should have expected what I got, I'm PISSED that I gained 1.1 lb.!

I was so close to crossing over that line, and now it's probably going to take me the rest of the week to just recoup. I have NEVER in the year I've been doing this 'cheated' in that I've binged or eaten forbidden foods like oils, starches, or sugars or even an extra fruit. Those two things are the only things I've ever allowed, in small amounts, in unusual situations. This time, having NEVER felt such a strong pull in this whole year, I allowed myself one quarter sized extra of the chocolate and an extra handful of nuts...and gained over a lb. overnight. It sucks.

Dave gained a lb. too, but he got to eat a whole meal out at a restaurant. I didn't even get to have anything fun for my gain!

I only have 10 syringes left, so I was sort of thinking when they are gone, I'm done. It's obvious my hCG is working just fine...if it weren't I wouldn't have gained so easily on so few extra calories. I guess I'll see if it takes me that long to get rid of this gain.

And I still feel like crap and wish I could spend the day in bed. But I can't. So I'm off.

Day 23

Finally! Down .9 lb.!

It's not over 'till it's over though, and I can tell it's not over. I went to bed early with a heating pad (girls know what I mean) and I wish I were still there instead of going to work. But it's a short day, so we'll see if I can catch some zzz's with a hot pad or a hot bath later. I was chilly also, but a hot bath fixed that. The heating pad was location specific.

BTW, a friend who is a massage therapist and on protocol and tried some different products and says that the oil is not holding her up a bit.

Also, my DH traveled all week last week and could tell he was gaining from being on his butt all day driving, in meetings and eating out (although he logged almost 15 miles on hotel treadmills). He came home and weighed in...5 lbs. up. He exercised, slept in his own bed and ate normal all weekend...lost 8 lb. in 3 days. This is what I have lived with for 25 years. Is it any wonder I was freakin' depressed??? He did protocol ONCE 5 months ago and it reset his body to the point where it works like it always did once again.

A new study just out: Vitamin D triples weight loss in those on very low calories diets. I stopped all vitamins ala Simeons...I have throughout each 'round'....I think. I may not have with the last round, and I usually do take D. Anyway, this may be one of those things on which new information sheds some light. So, I'm adding back my vit. D, magnesium/calcium and potassium. I'll wait on some of the other ones, but these may be helpful. As usual, I don't mind being a test subject.

Another thought I had, and I guess I won't know for a week or two, but since I'm only about 10-12 lb. away from my goal, I wondered if perhaps this round is harder and slower because my body is actually close to where it is supposed to be, but perhaps I have 10-12 lb. of skin that just needs to be sloughed off.

Now, this program doesn't leave sheets of skin like other situations where you evict the equivalent of a small person from your body. It is loose, and the stretch marks are scars, so they are there to stay. Everything shrunk up pretty tight so far, leaving very little in the say of sag...but everything is a little loose. It's like wearing a skin just one size too big. This is more obvious in the tub (close your eyes if this is TMI) where gravity no longer is a factor. I have a completely different contour. I likewise notice it with inverted postures in yoga. Stuff shifts.

In my clothes, especially in 'support garments' I look probably really close to where I should be. So, I just wondered if that's what's going on. Maybe it was just the period and it will all be over tomorrow and I'll continue on another 10 lb. Who knows? But if not, I'm thinking that over the course of months, as I ex-foliate and the dead skin cells are removed, and the new skin cells form over a much smaller body, (except for those stretch marks) this skin/weight might gradually disappear too.

Later-

Had my lunch before noon. I've not had that nap yet, nor a hot bath. I have much to do around the house as I will have a class here this week, but won't be home beforehand to clean and prepare, so I have to do it in advance. The thing is, I'm wiped out...still tired from last night. So, I think I'll do the tub with some Epsom salts and see how I feel after that and perhaps that nap. It think two periods in one month means I deserve some pampering and that's the closest think I have to a spa.

Day 22

Ok, no more steak for dinner, even at 100g!

It was another -.2 day, and that was with no melba. I'm STILL not under that line on the Wii that will deem me 'normal'. Those 120s are still as elusive as ever.

It wasn't a bad day as far as hunger or anything. It's just that moving in on a month here, with not quite 15 lb. down (and 5 of those 'loading' weight) I'm getting quite discouraged.

And I timed this so carefully so that my period would not interfere. I started a couple of weeks earlier than I probably should have because I had just finished a period, and if I waited until after the next one, I would have been on protocol at times I didn't really want to be. So it was start 2-3 weeks early, or 2-3 weeks late...and I chose early. And one reason was so I wouldn't have a period to mess up my progress for the first month of the protocol. Then I get a 'bonus' one just two weeks later. Yay me!

Yes, I am exceedingly discouraged. This may very well be where my body wants to be, but it is NOT where I want to be. Yes, I can get used to it. I'm just pissed right now. Tomorrow has got to be better. I do have the cramps now instead of the PMS stuff, and I did drink some Smooth Move tea and plan to have one more (which, after two days of steak will hopeful be helpful at some point today).

And not that it has to do with much, but today is a 'skip day'. No hCG for me, but everything else is the same as it has been for the last 3 weeks.

Tomorrow has GOT to be better.

Later-

I didn't have to wait for tomorrow. Today got better!

I was feeling tired, discouraged, cold and a little hungry. I decided to take a hot bath and feel sorry for myself, but honestly I suddenly felt smaller. I know...bizarre. But I almost felt like a deflated balloon. So, I tried on some clothes.

The results were bittersweet. I tried on yet another dress that I'd saved for 20 years, just waiting for the occasion to wear it again and have it fit. It was so big, there is no way I can even alter it. Two other dresses were the same, and one outfit. One pair of pants that still had tags on them...too big.

However, I did fit INTO several things that had been too small, and they are size 6! Still not at the size 5, but that's ok. I have some alterations to make now because my pants are too long.

I'm now encouraged. It's a good thing that this stuff happens because when the scale is depressing, the clothes are reassuring, and visa versa.

Day 21

Another -.2 day. Bummer. That makes it only like -2 or -2.5 for the week. Hardly better than I could do on any other program.

Yes, it's discouraging. This tiny amount didn't bump me over that line on my Wii yet, nor am I down in the 120s yet, where I'd like to be before I give up. It's been 21 days. I could give up. I've done the minimum. Frankly, if I have another week like this, I'd probably consider it. But I can't just yet. There is still the consideration of the TOM that constantly threatens but never starts, and that we had steak last night and I still dropped a little, no matter how little it was. There is a big drop just around the corner. I know there is. I've known people to have a week like this, or even a zero week, and then have a big drop of two or three lbs. in one day. I'll keep going. I'll take some measurements today too. Maybe I'll drop the melba for a couple of days.

I will admit, the idea of an apple day crossed my mind, even though I tell people not to do that to themselves unless they have 3 or 4 days of a stall, which I did not have. I dismissed it, but it was there, since I'm being all 'high disclosure'. I am frustrated and disappointed with the week's total.

Then I get on one of the support lists and I read,

"I think my 'stall' is over!!!! I was 158 for almost 8 days :( I must admit I was beginning to lose faith in this! Then I stepped on the scale this morning...and weighed in at 155!"

And I know I just have to keep on keepin' on.

Later-

Today's been ok. Got a lot done it seems like. Haven't eaten since before we went and did errands around noon. I'm getting hungry, but Dave is at the grill. We'll be doing the same thing as last night just because we got a deal on the steak, but he's also making me up some chicken for the week while he's at the grill.

I had strawberries for breakfast and chicken on lettuce for lunch, with a little Walden Farms French dressing. No melba. Lots of water and another couple of cups of coffee throughout the day.

I'm about to get some Wii in, and then we'll have our family TV for the night, catching up on Chelsea and Dave's fav show that DVR has been patiently holding for us.

Day 20

Starting off good as far as how I feel...rested and ready to take on the day! It was only a -.2 day, but that's not too concerning considering how far into this I am right now (around the third week, it slows down and becomes erratic) and the variable of the early TOM that still just won't start and be done so I can move ON!

I've made note of the variables I've incorporated into my own protocol after doing it FIVE TIMES over the course of a year. I do these things after having done the protocol 3 times just exactly as it is in Pounds & Inches, and with full awareness and responsibility. I don't tell my clients about stuff like this unless I see them really struggling with physical issues of true hunger, or unless their body really seems to need it because frankly, in the first round, especially early in the first couple of weeks, you need to learn the difference between a 'want' and a 'need' and it is too easy to justify a 'want' and convince yourself it's a 'need'.

Also please note I do not call these variables 'cheating'. There is NO cheating on this program! If you think of these variables as 'cheating' it makes it far too easy to justify cheating in general.
6-10 macadamia nuts(a small handful) or 2 tsp. of chocolate delight in response to a physical need due to excess exertion or a blood sugar swing due to hormones is one thing...adding it in the first week or in the absence of a physical variable may just make the protocol harder. I don't know. I didn't do it until the last two rounds. I've allowed myself to be a human guinea pig on number of counts. That doesn't mean it will be helpful for other people to screw around with the protocol. I really, really want this to work for everyone as well as it worked for me, but I can't tell you for sure if it would have worked as well as it did if I'd done the stuff I do now when I first started.

Case in point...I just had someone this week who tried a tsp. of coconut oil on her skin because it was cracking and bleeding and the suggested remedies from Dr. Simeons weren't working. She hadn't tried other oil-free alternatives we have that Dr. Simeons wouldn't have had in the 50's (or even 70s) because they had chemicals in them. She wanted all natural. ONE TSP. of coconut oil on her skin caused her to gain 2 lb. Just because it worked for me once doesn't mean it will work for everyone. Heck, just because it worked for me once doesn't mean it will work for me every time. She now has to choose between oil-free moisturizer with chemicals, cracked skin, or wasting days worth of 500 calorie meals.

She's probably a month into the program. What if she were in the first week or two? Might she she decide this program 'doesn't work'? I tell my HypnoBirthing clients who come in and take the class but don't do the work that the class isn't magic, and paying me money does not create their birth experience: doing the work does. Granted, there are instances when chocolate delight makes the difference between eating regular chocolate with sugar (which WILL set you back days) or eating something that MIGHT set you back for days. And, BTW, I've talked to enough women about this that I'm convinced it's not just any sweet women want...it's something in the chocolate; magnesium to be specific...

Women seem to be more prone to chocolate cravings than men. The Diabetes Association report found that only 15 percent of males appear to crave chocolate, as much as 40 percent of women do - and 75 percent of them claim that absolutely nothing other than chocolate can satisfy their appetite.

Because chocolate cravings may be influenced by a deficiency in magnesium, that this may be why some experience an increase in chocolate cravings during PMS.

I know even women who aren't that crazy about chocolate normally want it during their period. So, if it's going to keep someone from blowing the whole thing, yes, it's worth it.

However, it's not a good idea to try to figure out ways to change the program until you KNOW how it works for you just the way it is. The magic is not in the hCG...it only makes the hard part of maintaining 500 calories doable because it helps you draw off the adipose fat. But the hypothalamus creates set points by reacting to blood sugar levels and the intake of fats. If you mess with the levels he so carefully figured would result from the foods he chose, over 30 years of tinkering, you do so at your own risk and may just lessen the efficacy.

Later-

My honey is home and grilled up a fantastic meal of asparagus and steak. I had the melba and I had a handful of strawberries with chocolate stevia.

For lunch, I split it up because of my schedule. I had the apple around 10:30 am, chicken and melba around 12:30 pm, and cuke slices around 2 pm. I had coffee with stevia all morning. What I wouldn't give for cream in my coffee! I miss it. And as I've said before, a nice glass of red wine would be nice once or twice a week. But, I am currently drinking my decaf and then I'll be drinking water for the rest of the night.

Shopping was hard tonight. I went before dinner. 'Never go hungry' is our motto, and we did. My meals for the week will be the same as they have been, but I may substitute oranges for the grapefruit. I know people who must substitute (because they take meds that can't be mixed with grapefruit) who do just fine. If I have 3 more weeks of this, I may need the variety.

To put this in perspective, in the last (approximately) 350 days, I've spent 167 of them on protocol. The rest of those days (except for 11 days total 'loading') I have spend on stabilization (no sugar, no starch) or maintenance (limited sugar and starch).

Now, frankly, I'm hunky-dory just hanging out in stabilization and maintenance most of the time. Because I so strictly adhered to the protocol part, I no longer want sugar or bread (not even bagels!) most of the time. I'm really, really choosy about both. If it's not high quality and a worthy reason, I'll skip it. Even my favorite restaurant foods sometimes don't taste as good as I remember them. But in order to change the taste buds, 'shrink' the stomach and get rid of systemic Candida imbalances (not to mention resetting the hypothalamus and regulating insulin response) the PROTOCOL must be followed as much as possible and more importantly, the new set point then has to be locked in. Otherwise, the weight will come back.

I can tell you when I've thought I could get away with something, I usually regretted it. The macs and the chocolate delight usually are ok for me, but not always. And I don't know what the oranges will do. We'll see.

Part of my blogging this is so that people learn from my mistakes...not repeat them.

Am I losing slower this time because I'm closer to my goal? Or because I've used the macs? Or because I started out without 'loading' (essentially) when the first hCG was discovered to be no good. I don't know. If anyone sees a pattern, let me know.

I can't say it often enough or emphatically enough: If the emotional responses to food are not broken; if the social associations with food are not broken; if the ritualistic aspects of food are not changed...the weight that comes off with this method WILL COME BACK. The protocol is a fresh start, it isn't magic. It removes and repairs some of the physical obstacles to getting rid of the fat, but it can't touch emotional and spiritual healing that may need to take place. This is a body/mind/soul issue, and it must be approached that way. Dr. Simeons was a saint, but his work only opens the door for us to walk through.

Day 19

Down .4 of a lb. today. I sort of expected more this time actually. It just goes to show that having NO expectations is probably the best attitude to have.

The reason I thought it would be more is that while I still have the breast tenderness/PMS type feeling, I also feel smaller, which is hard to explain. I should have taken my measurements. I will this weekend and compare to the last time I took them. My clothes are bigger, though I've not found any big enough that I have to put them in the Goodwill box since the last batch I spoke of here. I'm seeing more definition on my body, though those stubborn muscles are still hiding.

My last appointment ended up getting rescheduled, so I came home, ate, and took a hot bath to warm up. I got the balance perfect this time. I didn't get too warm so that I was dizzy after the bath. I kept the room cool, I took a bottle of cool water in with me and replenished as I started to sweat, and got out before I was uncomfortably hot. I also didn't get in when it was super hot (like hot tub hot)...just sort of hot (like maybe 101).

I took the heating pad to bed again, but didn't need it, I turned it off because I continued to sweat. In fact, I did all night. Which was weird.

I was just telling someone recently that during this round I have been colder (though my temp is fine) and have experienced more blood sugar issues where I need to add a few macs than any other round. I don't know if that is because I am getting so close to where my body wants to be, or if there is some perimenopausal thing going on. I say that because of the sweating last night.

Some people will assume that anything that happens while they are doing this program, or immediately following, is because of the hCG. In the amounts used, that is highly unlikely. Most often, people end up encountering the flu at just the wrong time, or because of the low fat, low calorie nature of the food intake, if they are boarder-line with some health issue that is impacted by fats and/or sugars, that issue will make itself known.

I've had night sweats before. I've never had them in the winter when I'm trying to keep the bed warm all by myself, and I've not (until now) had them on protocol. I've never paid attention to my blood sugar or how food made me feel until this program. Last time I was this small, I would bet I was still eating crap (when I was eating at all), partying heavily and working in a toxic environment. Besides the physical toxins that might have been stored in fat, there is the emotional toxic waste that is stored. Some people very consciously work through stuff like that. Some of us have physical manifestations of detoxification as we release stuff. As long as it is transient and not scary, I'm ok with just letting it pass. If I felt it were serious, or if it didn't resolve in a few days, I'd see someone. If I can handle it on my own though a few protocol modifications and journaling, I do that.

I have to say that I'm very excited about being so close to that 'normal' line on the Wii! One good drop of 1 or 2 lbs. will put me under it. It could take all next week if I keep having these zeros or .4 days, but that will be my next-to-the-last milestone, and knowing my body is in charge and not my head, it may be the last one I reach. I hope for 10-15 after that, but won't be crushed if I don't get there. I do want to be comfortably below that line so I can stay there forever. That is very much in sight now.
Later-

I was too busy to worry much about food today. There was no need to fall back on macs. Makes me wonder about my interpretation of the hunger. Do I just think I'm hungry when I'm home? Do I have an association with food and home? Do I have too much time on my hands (yeah, right) and mistake boredom for hunger? I'll have to journal.

Anyway, chicken, cukes, apple, melba for lunch. Dinner, apple, chicken, lettuce, melba. I thought about having some coffee now (it's just after 7 pm), but the bath and bed thing felt so good last night...except for having to get up and pee twice...I thought I'd do it again.

I tried on some 'small' shirts today, and they fit! They didn't look quite right with what I plan to wear to work tomorrow, but I did find one I liked. It's so weird to be able to put them on. Last time I tried I couldn't even get an arm in, and this time they fit! I didn't try pants. I'll do that this weekend.

Day 18

Today was my first zero day. It was inevitable, but still a bummer. However, since I sort of actually expected a gain with the shoveling yesterday, I'm good with that. I haven't looked outside to see if I have to do it again today. It was snowing last night when I got home at like 10 pm.

I got to bed late last night too because I got on Facebook when I got home. I was too geeked to sleep, tired as I was. I had guests in class last night; two HypnoBirthing families to share their wonderful stories. It was really great o see them again!

But then this morning, I didn't want to get up! That's not abnormal for me. I really do like to stay up later and sleep in. But I know that when I wake up when my body wakes me up instead of when an alarm goes off, I do better with my weight.

Other variables I know could be messing with me (besides sore muscles, too little sleep and just that fact that I'm almost 3 weeks in where release tends to get inconsistent), leaving me a little annoyed but not concerned (woman's wisdom about to be shared...may be TMI for guys): breast tenderness continues and now there's spotting. Could be there will be nearly two weeks of this and I'll start on time, or it could be my cycle is just messed up and will come early. It feels like the latter. I know that can stall me for days...or even show up as gain...be cause there is usually a 3-5 lb. swing that leaves as quickly as it shows up.

Today, on the agenda, only have two appointments, spread way apart. In fact it's the first available appointment of the day, and the very last available appointment of the day. I have HypnoBirthing and hypnosis business to take care of today, as well as cleaning my house that's falling apart around me, and depending on what I find outside when I look, more shoveling. That's my exciting day. I'll eat the same things I've been eating. I may actually need to go shopping today if tomorrow looks too full to fit it in. I don't want to be caught without protocol food!

In fact, I should share what happened last night. Between the macs I had after shoveling, and the appetite suppressive qualities of exercise (note: I wasn't hungry after shoveling...I was shaky, wiggly and weak and would have had something a little sweet if I could have) I wasn't hungry when I had to go to class. Well, that and life got a little nuts between the time I came in from shoveling and the time I had to leave for class. My daughter (age 18) had been prescribed a medicine, but has never taken a pill. She was having issues. Then my sister called to share some news and I was on the phone with her at the same time. All the while, I'm changing my clothes, gathering teaching aids, loading my car, packing my dinner which I'd planned to eat before I left, but wasn't hungry for.

On the road, I decided that if I didn't eat then (almost 6 pm) I wouldn't have a chance until 9:30 pm, which I didn't want to do. That would surely show up as a gain. So I ate it in the car. My chicken was still frozen. Yuck. But I ate it even though I wasn't hungry so I wouldn't be starving later, and so I wouldn't eat right before bed.

3:30 pm

About an hour ago I was hit by a 'OMG I'm starving!' moment. I had a few macs, made some decaf and drank a bunch of water and I'm good now. I'm taking my apple and cuke slices with me for my last two appointments. I'll have my protein selection and my melba when I get home. I'm actually thinking may save the cukes for tomorrow and have chili tonight, now that I think about it.

I was so hungry at that point a little while ago that I was actually weak and nauseated and thought perhaps I should take my temp in case I was coming down with something. It hit me that hard and fast. Normal temp. I still think a hot bath tonight is a stellar idea, along with early bed. The next couple of days are pretty busy.

Day 17

Last night I did no Wii or yoga or anything else. I watched a L & O, CSI marathon compliments of my DVR. My body and brain were just up for a drain.

I went to bed early because the night before I didn't sleep well. I was up a couple of times thanks to nature calling and interrupting my sleep. I tried to grab a nap during the day when I had a big enough break to come home, but that's when Chelsea and Pat came home and made my all time favorite comfort food...grilled cheese with garlic butter. It about drove me mad. I had 8 macs to shut my tummy up, even though I'd eaten just a few hours before.

Then I had my regular dinner, even though I was going to skip the fruit and/or the bread to make up the calories from the nuts. I even had a couple more bites of the choco-delight. That might slow some people down, but this time around it seems to be helping me.

So in all honesty, I expected to be more disappointed today than I was the day before. Lo and behold, I was back to a -.7 day! I actually don't think I'll complain about those any more. That's almost 5 lb. a week if I can keep that up. I'll take that.

I'm getting a little excited at how close to that 'normal'/'overweight' line I'm at on the Wii. That's been my goal for awhile, despite what my original thoughts were...just get far enough under that line that I can stay under it comfortably all the time. So, where ever 2-5 lb. under the line happens to be. I'm thinking that will be a solid size 5, somewhere near my original goal of 124. I could easily see that by Valentine's Day.

Since I went into this round vowing only to follow where my body leads, if it continues to be relatively easy after that, I'll keep going. If there are fits and starts or stalls, I'll give in to one apple day, but not stress if it doesn't work and just stop. But again, we'll have to see how I feel at the time and see what my body wants to do.

Later:

Speaking of following where my body leads...

I had to go out a shovel my corner lot and double driveway today. The snow was so wet that in low lying areas it was melted into slush. I was out there for over an hour, essentially doing heavy lifting and sweating until my muscles were wiggly. (It was either that or get fined by the city and pay their fee to have it done.)

I came in and had 10 macadamia nuts. I needed something with protein. I can already feel my muscles are sore, so tomorrow, that may show up as a 'gain'...but it really is the water that's in my muscles repairing damage caused by over exerting them. That is how muscle is built; you damage the muscle a little bit and when it repairs, new muscle is built.

So, I followed my body. No, these are not on protocol. I make an executive decision regarding my body, knowing that if you want the program to work, you follow the program. Period. If you want to tweak it, tweak it...just know that if you do it may or may not work, and take responsibility for it. Sometimes extenuating circumstances call for some critical thinking and assessment of viable alterations.

It's not the same as justifying 'cheating' with something so obviously not on the program that there is no justification. It's not the same as indulging emotional eating or quitting because there are some days it's hard...and make no mistake, while I still contend it's the easiest weight release I've ever experienced, there ARE days when it sucks eggs.

Day 16

I was hoping for a break in the -.7 days just so I'd know my Wii is working, but I wanted it the other way! Today is a -.4 day.

I am up early again. That typically shows up as less of a loss (or a gain...my body hates mornings as much as my brain does). Also, I'm very sore. After the 30-35 minutes of yoga in the afternoon, I did do 35 minutes of Wii in the evening and it was mostly aerobic and a little strength, with my favorites in rhythm and balance. I did work up a sweat.

Also, at the risk of TMI, since we are sharing, I have had breast tenderness today and yesterday. If PMS is starting already I can expect about the next TWO weeks to be odd on the scale. It's not fair and I hate that! There are enough variables without tossing in a known negative variable!

So, -7.3 the first week, -5.4 the second week for a total of -12.7. I know I should be happy with that...it's 10 lb. more than I'd be on a 'traditional' diet. But I've come to expect more from this program, so it is disappointing.

I'm seeing a little bit of a change in my body, but not yet a lot. At this rate it will likely take me the rest of the week to get into the 'normal' range on the Wii. It may take a week beyond that to get into the next size smaller clothes. I'd really love to be between 119-124 and a solid size 5. (I do have cute dresses in a size 2 and a size 3, but I got them because they were cute and reasonable, not because I want to be that small. I just figured if I did get there, I wanted these dresses.) Anyway, how long I continue will depend on how I feel and if I continue to release, no matter how slow or if it's pretty. I know people who near the end of their program who end up with a pattern of going for days with no loss but stick to it, only to let go of 3 lb. in one day.

My share for the day? A new study says that thin people can be unhealthy. Duh. It's not always the fat that increases medical costs, it's the lack of exercise. And some people who are thin don't exercise AND eat loads of garbage. Imagine that! They still stay thin, just not healthy. But it's always lack of exercise and too much of the wrong foods that make people fat. Hm.

2 pm

I ate most of you lunch options at about 11:30 am, with the apple following later by about an hour.

About an hour after that, my daughter and her boyfriend made my favorite...grilled cheese with garlic butter (they did not, however, include the tomato bisque soup that I pair it with). In any case, it was driving me CRAZY to smell that in the house and I did 'cheat' and had 8 macadamia nuts. Logically, I knew I could have resisted if I made coffee or left the house, but my stomach was raising hell and growling and I caved. It happens. If it were sugar or starch or something horrible, I'd feel worse, but I know macs don't impact me (usually) so much, so it was the lesser of several evils.

So much for my supportive and safe environment. I didn't feel I could ask them to go to his house because honestly, they do much of the time.

If I can, I will skip my fruit (and maybe my bread)later, but well see. I wonder if I can do yoga or Wii a little longer to make up for it, or take a hot bath to bump up my metabolism with a little heat. I won't have a chance to do the sauna.