Day 22 stabilization

I gained .9 lb. today. Still more than a lb. away from another steak (or egg) day…and hoping to stay that way! I really don't like needing them every week, let alone twice per week! I didn't eat anything I shouldn't yesterday, and I didn't eat late, but I did drink like it was the weekend!

I did an hour of yoga and we walked probably 2 miles at a brisk pace yesterday afternoon. For dinner we had steak and baby Lima beans. I had a couple of choco-delights after dinner.

I have to say though, as much as I've complained about those steak days, for 3 weeks I have stayed within my '2 lb. either side of my last hCG' limit. It's just that the last two rounds of stabilization have been the only ones where there was any effort involved in keeping it there. Wait, the first one, it was an effort to not keep dropping, but I didn't consider that a problem.

So the fact that there is any work at all, or that any foods might be a problem is a little frustrating. Before, just following the vague rules kept me right where I needed to be. It seems, looking back over my journal, that I could eat a wider variety too, and not worry.

As I move into my last 3 weeks of stabilization, I'm a little afraid to add 'sugar and starch' even slowly, considering what the first 3 weeks has been like. But, when we go shopping, I will pick up a wider variety of fruits and veggies. I have no desire for anything sweet. I have no desire for breads or pasta. But if something like that crossed my path, I'd try a little and see what the scale said in the a.m.

Later-

Ok, we'll see what it does, I guess. I'm preparing eggs for another 'egg day' just in case tomorrow sucks.

I had a Clementine (teeny-tiny orange for anyone who doesn't eat them) with my bacon and cheese this morning, and for my after-yoga snack I had a serving of dried pineapple (1/3 cup) and a handful of macs. Yoga was long form and really intense, so I sort of allowed myself to feel I earned that snack. I'm still wiggly. Dave wants to go for a walk, but I asked him to give me an hour or two to recoup.

I'll see how tomorrow goes, and if it's not as bad as I fear, I think I'll try Irish oats on Wednesday.

Now for deep thoughts. :-)

A friend and I were discussing being a professional as a woman of size, and the pervasive idea that the fat hinders our progression up the later. I agreed whole-heartedly that it was certainly the case; after all, from first hand experience I know that if a woman is overweight she's often ignored. No matter how brilliant, confident or competent she is, she will have to go above and beyond to prove it because people make assumptions based on their first impressions.

But there was something about this conversation that just didn't sit right with me (besides the obvious injustice of it all) and I finally realized what it was: It's not OUR FAT that holds us back...it's OTHER PEOPLE'S IGNORANCE about our fat that holds us back.

It's not fair, but it's not going to change either. We can accept that we are in essence handicapped by proxy due to the assumption of others that we are lazy, stupid or incompetent just because some overweight people are (as are plenty of underweight people, but somehow the same judgments are not instantaneously made), we can fight to end fat discrimination (though it sure seems an endless battle) or we can kick ass and take names.

A year ago, I would have thought that only the first two options were open to me, and I tried, I really did, to just accept that it is what it is. I spent 20 years trying to get the weight of too...but every time I met with failure, internalized said failure, and sought invisibility once more. Now that I know there's hope, I would love to see my sisters in suffering join me and take back what is rightfully theirs. Getting thin and getting ahead is better than getting even.

It feels good to be here, but you know, I'm grateful for where I've come from because I have empathy that is from that unique perspective. I know it sucked to be there...even though I told myself it didn't. And it's empowering to have my life back, to feel vindicated that those judgments people made, often verbally and to my face, were wrong; that all those doctors over all those years were wrong. It's crazy-making to be told by EV-ER-Y-ONE that you must be lazy or lying or you'd be thin, even though you KNOW that's not true.

Later-

We did go for that long walk, and then another one after dinner. I'd estimate we walked about 3 miles total. I say estimate because while I do have a pedometer, it wasn't until the completion of the first walk that I realized that it needed to be re-calibrated.

Dinner was 100g chicken breast/blue cheese/pecan salad, but in addition to that, I had one deviled egg and about 1/4 cup of tuna with mayo and onions; I was making stuff for the week, and it's aways better to see if it's edible! :-)

I need to stretch again just because it was cold when we took that second walk and I wanted to warm up before getting the kinks out.