My HCG Journey to my Authentic Self

2012-01-06T17:11:00.000-08:00

I'm going to start blogging on my website instead of here, I believe...unless it's a pain in the arse for people. Let me know. The new site is: http://www.kimwildner.me/hcg-authentic-self.htmlIf it doesn't work out, perhaps I can double post material or something. We'll see.

Where does the time go?

2012-01-02T16:00:00.000-08:00

It has been well over a year since my last post. That is because everything about my life got really bizarre not long after that last post in 2010 and I'm just now regaining my composure.

In late November/early December 2010 the HypnoBirthing conference was on a Caribbean cruise. I drove down to Florida with my husband. The trip down was 2 12-hour days of driving, as was the return trip. During our time on the ship I spend much of my time in classes. However, we did make an effort to get to the gym and to choose activities that were...well, active...when we weren't at sea.

Even so, I ate the usual cruise fare in the amounts served. I gained 8 lb. in one week.

On the way home from the cruise we were notified that my husband's father had likely suffered a stroke. For the next couple of months either his mother or father were sick, or there were 'end of life' details the siblings had to attend to. Thus, we traveled to and from MI (at least a 6 hour drive each way) about every two weeks or so though the winter.

I had lost 4 of the 8 lb. gained on the cruise in the first week home. Each trip to MI was a gain of 2 or 3 lb. even though we took our own food as often as we could. We just didn't get the exercise we usually do and did eat out at least once each trip. We specifically booked hotels with gyms, but twice the gym/pool was closed for seasonal work and other times we just didn't have the time to ourselves to do what we planned. Each time we came home, I'd be able to shed a pound or two, but then we were on the road again.

At the end of January I got sick with a sinus infection while my husband was out of town and got horribly dehydrated. I didn't move from the couch except to deal with necessities for 5 days. I didn't eat, I didn't drink enough fluids. Honestly, I don't recall what the weight was doing because I was just wishing I'd die and didn't care what my corpse would look like.

In mid-February my MIL passed away. We had another trip or two to MI for a memorial, to help get his father situated at a nursing home and sort through a lifetime of belongings that had to be dealt with.

In April I was asked to fill a slot for a presentation that had opened up at a weekend birthing workshop offering at National University Hospital in Singapore. I was to present on Kangaroo Care for premature babies. It was a very exciting opportunity! My duties at work had expanded to include quite a bit of medical dictation, so between research and preparation for the presentation and my job, I was sitting a lot. In addition, winter in Wisconsin lasted well into May so it was too freakin' cold to be outside at all. I wasn't gaining, but I sure hadn't had the opportunity to deal with the 5-7 lbs. that had accumulated with all of the oddities of the entire winter. Even so, I had a plan to make up for it over the summer.

Singapore was GREAT! I loved every minute of it despite the fact that my right let hurt after the 22-hour flight there. I did get up and move every hour and a half to two hours except once when I fell asleep. When I woke up I had this cramp. But it never went away. Knowing that long trips can predispose one to blood clots, I was concerned, but there was no redness, no swelling. I took an aspirin every day and figured it must just be a cramp.

Most of the time that I was there I was, again, in classes much of the day. On the last day we hiked Bukit Timah, the highest point in Singapore and enjoyed the Botanic Garden...another couple of miles. Then I caught another 22-hour flight home.

Once again I fell asleep for probably 4-5 hours. And my leg got progressively worse all the way home. The day after I arrived home I was very concerned and my doctor ordered an ultrasound, showing several clots in my right leg.

For the next 9 days I received Fragmin shots in my belly and was prescribed warfarin. I didn't move much at all for the first week, afraid that I'd 'throw' one of the clots.

I spent that time researching blood clots & blood thinners.

What I found was that the longer one remains immobilized, the greater the chance of further negative consequences relating to the clots. So I began walking about 2-3 miles per day, slowly and with great attention to how I was feeling.

The problem was the warfarin (rat poison/blood thinner) made me incredibly tired. I had to nap several hours per day in addition to the walking. My employer was wonderful about letting me work around this new variable, but after about a month I knew I couldn't keep doing this. By this time, I had discovered that I have a heterozygous genetic mutation in two clotting factors...Factor V Leiden and Protrombin. This means that I am more likely to develop clots than people who do not have these mutations.

My grandmother has had issues with blood clots her whole life. She's also been on Coumadin (warfarin) most of that. There are a lot of very scary problems associated with this drug, like internal bleeding and stroke. Some have been hospitalized after minor incidents like a nick while shaving because they could bleed to death from something so small. I had already experienced a broken blood vessel in my finger and it scared the dickens out of me.

In addition, food and other medications like aspirin or other pain killers affect how Coumadin works. This means you can swing wildly from having blood that is way to thin and way too thick. Before the lab work came back I was being told 3-6 months was the minimum time I'd be on Coumadin. After it came back, I was being told perhaps a year or more.

In my 5 weeks on Coumadin, even with walking, I had gained 10 lb. That was piled on to the 5-7 from the winter. I had to get off this stuff.

My doctor helped me figure out how to keep my blood thin and dissolve the clots naturally. The Gordon Research Institute provided some useful information as well.

Still, it took awhile to wean (ever so delicately) myself off the Coumadin and onto the natural supplement program. I gained 2-3 more lb. during that time.

Regular exercise was part of the regimen to keep homocysteine levels down. High Homocysteine is associated with hyper coagulation. So I walked. Every. Single Day. I walked 2-3 miles on the days I was feeling dragged out. I walked 5-7 every chance I got. About once per month I hiked the strenuous Devil's Lake loop. I biked 28 1/2 miles once, and several rides of 13-18 miles. All summer long I ate appropriately and moved every chance I got. My weight stubbornly remained exactly the same.

I asked my doctor when it would be safe to do protocol again. A large part of my 'keeping the blood thin' protocol was fish oils, vitamin E oil, garlic, etc. I knew I had to be clot free to even think about doing protocol because oils will prevent protocol success. He said not to even think about it until December.

By November I was getting frustrated and it was getting very easy to justify eating things I normally wouldn't. I still had to move to keep my blood moving, but I found myself saying, 'Eh, f*ck it! If I'm not going to lose weight anyway, I'm eating what I want!' And I did. I gained another 10 lb. through November and December. By the end of December, I decided I couldn't take it any more! A gain of 30 lbs. meant none of my cloths fit, and even as active as I was, the techniques I'd used for so long to maintain my weight were failing me.

Today is my first day of Very Low Calorie Intake (VLCI).

I am still taking fistfuls of non-oil supplements to keep my blood on the thin side, because there is a theoretical risk that Hcg can cause blood clots. Knowing that I have a predisposition means I have to mitigate for that possibility. I have to point out though that I find it significant that I have this predisposition, I've been pregnant twice (making several thousand times more Hcg on my own that is used in protocol) and have done 4 solid rounds of protocol (when I lost the 85 lb.). I also did a couple of half-assed, short lived rounds when I thought I'd try to bump my numbers down a bit, which didn't work and the efforts were abandoned. (Once the Hcg was no good. Once a pharmacy assured me their drops were exactly the same as the injections. They lied.)

AT NO POINT, DURING ANY OF THOSE SITUATIONS, DID I DEVELOP BLOOD CLOTS. I feel it's important to say that because everyone wants to know if the clots were related to protocol. No. In fact, while 22-hour flights are a known risk, I am somewhat amazed that not only did it take that to create clots, but it may have been the entire year of crap to build. Any one of those situations I found myself in all year long could have started the seed of a clot. For all I know my body always has formed clots with long car trips and such, but my body has always had the chance to deal with them before they became a problem. But this particular year, just as my body could get right, I'd be in the car, or on a plane, again.

At the time of my incident, I had not had Hcg in my system for months. I had remained within 5 lb. of my protocol weight for about a year and a half before it went to hell in a hand basket. After the Coumadin (or after the blood clot...who knows?) my body did not respond to my efforts in the same way. I feel I need a 're-set.' I never intended to do protocol again. I figured that while I was 5-10 lb. above my goal, that was where my body might just want to be and I was ok with that. I did get down to that size 4 momentarily, but my body was much happier at a size 6.

But I didn't anticipate that my life could be out of control for an entire year. I didn't realize just how long it can take to recuperate from a DVT. I had no clue that a medication could mess me up so bad.

So here I am to log this round. I did not gain anything the first two days of loading. I gave it that third day because I felt it necessary. I gained 1.5 lb. on that day. Today I've had my two meals. According to my phone app, I've consumed 525 calories. I've not walked yet, but I will. And then I will do a short hot tub. I had two cups of coffee with stevia before lunch, and a diet stevia sweetened soda in the afternoon. Other than that, I've had about a gallon of water.

My supplements include probiotics, vitamins C, D3, E and B complex, triphila, neem, ginger, nattokinase, lumbrokinase and a baby aspirin. The C/E vitamin combo is to keep homocysteine levels down, so I feel I need the E even if it is an oil. I remain attentive to my body and am on the lookout for unusual bruising, in the event the supplements are working too well. I had no issues since I began the natural protocol, but I don't know if less food will change that. Obviously, I also will remain aware of any signs of unusual clotting.

I have no idea if protocol will work for me as it has in the past with all the ways my body might have changed, but we'll see.

Hiking

2010-10-17T18:32:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted a picture in a while, so I thought I'd toss one up.

We went hiking up a mountain (yes, in Wisconsin!). I was sore for a few days, thus up a bit in weight. I also had several days of potlucks and other situations where I was not totally in control of my food selections if I wanted to be polite...and I did.

It wasn't bad, however. It was just more than I wanted it to be.

Today I did a steak day because after that hard hike, I did yoga to try to work out the kinks, and a couple of days this week I walked 5 miles at a '12' incline, which meant I needed another day of yoga to work out those kinks. Combined with the food issues, the way I saw it I had unintentionally ended up with an instance of 'carb refeeding' and figured a bit of intermittent fasting was in order.

I'm not looking to drop a huge amount, just give myself a fresh start.

This week I have a lot of computer work to do, so I will have to actually carve out the time I need to move, which likely will be Wii, treadmill and yoga in preparation to take on that mountain once again!

Exercise

2010-10-08T11:09:00.000-07:00

Last time I wrote about maintaining in regard to food, but I've been asked several times since then how much I need to exercise to stay at a 4/6.

Not much, really.

In fact, as with the food, it's probably not so different than what I did when I was fat, but I enjoy it more. Or maybe I did more before, but I hated it more? I'm not sure.

This week I walked 5 miles on the treadmill one day and happened to bike a couple of miles on the same day. Another day I did 1/2 hour of yoga. Yesterday, I walked perhaps a couple of miles around the neighborhood. That's pretty typical. If I want to undo damage from a weekend of excess or something, I might try to make an attempt to do more. But my job and school tend to involve a good amount of sitting. I have to make time for it.

The difference is that now I see results, which is motivating. I do actually enjoy it. The day I walked 5 miles on the treadmill, it was because I was watching a movie on Netflix. When I was fat, I did the same thing, but I had to make deals with myself...like no coffee in the morning until I did at least 2.5 miles. Then I'd do another couple of miles in the afternoon. I may have even walked more later with my sister, or we might have gotten together to lift free-weights. I did this for MONTHS with NO results, despite a healthy organic vegetarian diet of no more than around 1000-1200 calories per day and NO goodies. After about 6 months, I quit putting the effort into it. My life was full of cycles like that.

So anyway, I couldn't have done the entire 5 miles at once. My feet would hurt after about 2 or 3. And I wouldn't break into a light jog, because likely I would be crying at the injustice of working my ass off for no f*ucking reason, because 'they' said I just wasn't working hard ENOUGH and obviously 'they' were the experts. Many of my workout included copious amounts of bad language and tears.

Now I know that for my body to maintain I should eat around 1200-1400 calories, depending on WHAT I eat. What is 'diet' for some is just the way I have to live to stay where I am.

Before I exercised even though I hated every...single...minute of certain things. I enjoyed hiking and yoga...although my feet would hurt after or my belly rolls and thighs would get in the way.

When we got the treadmill we currently have, I was so excited. On some level I really did miss it. What I decided is that I liked exercising...I just didn't like the way it made me feel emotionally (because I was supposed to get smaller and didn't) and physically (because everything was just so much harder than it should be).

Before, I would have deprived myself of the good things in life. Today, I have a glass of red wine and a square of dark chocolate nearly every day with no repercussions. Now, if I have toast on any given day, I'll have to have a 5 mile day. Before, I might have had toast every day. If I was too busy to make something to eat, I might grab a couple of pieces of toast instead of a meal...for all three meals! That's 750 calories or more, all in a fat storing combination of grain and fat/oil. I would gain on that!

The conventional wisdom that says a calorie is a calorie is a lie. It makes us feel like failures. It matters where the calories come from, and there is no one right formula that works for everyone.

Splurging

2010-09-27T07:02:00.000-07:00

I get asked quite often what I eat now; what I eat daily and what I eat when I 'cheat'. I've written about what a typical day looks like, but this weekend I celebrated my 25th wedding anniversary, and if any weekend could be considered a 'splurge' this would be it.

Well, first of all, there is no 'cheating'. I'm not dieting for the rest of my life. I've just changed how I look at food to a certain extent.

So, daily, I may have eggs and bacon for breakfast. I don't sit for big meals as a rule because there are only two of us now, and even when there were three, we often were on different schedules. However, before, I might have had a bowl of cereal OR a bagel with cream cheese OR oatmeal OR yogurt. Now, I focus on protein. We make the bacon in big batches and freeze it so I can grab just 2 or 3 slices and eat it with an herbed egg or two. Or, if I don't have eggs made, I may have a slice or two of hard cheese with my bacon, or I may have the cheese with an apple or pear.

I drink water throughout the day, but I do drink coffee with cream in the morning. usually two cups, but my cups are big, like 1.5 size, maybe two, of what my coffee maker calls a 'cup'.

For lunch, I might have 1/2 cup cottage cheese (full fat) and a piece of fruit (if I didn't have one for breakfast). Before, I would have had a Peanut butter sandwich on whole wheat...no jelly or honey or anything. I might have had some baby carrots with ranch dip, but often just the sandwich.

Now, I'll probably have a handful of macadamia nuts or almonds as a snack. I probably would have done that before, or I might have had a 'healthy' protein/meal bar. I look at labels now and cannot believe the amount of sugar and/or carbohydrate in those bars I got from the health food store, let alone the ones in mainstream groceries!

For dinner now, I might make a cauliflower crust pizza, or a quiche with the same crust. I might make a spicy peanut sauce to go with grilled chicken and veggies. Now though, I'll skip the rice...even the brown or whole grain...unless I have a very small amount. Before, it would have been a bed of rice as my main portion (like 3/4 cup) with a little veggie and chicken. Now, the I may have a whole chicken breast, a cup of veggies, and little or no rice.

Now, for a celebratory weekend? I don't just toss my new habits. Before, going away for a weekend meant eating the hotel 'continental' breakfast, which is all starch or sweet fruit. I may have taken those protein bars or granola bars thinking that was somehow better because at least it wasn't a sugar-filled cereal. We also would have eaten out for all of our meals, and while we have split the vast majority of our meals for years, still usually it would be more than I'd eat at home. And, we'd eat at the places we never get to eat otherwise, and I'd get the pasta nearly every time.

On a car trip, we might have picked up chips or pretzels or something, or we may have allowed ourselves the fast food that we tried to stay away from in our daily lives.

This weekend, we were gone 3 1/2 days. We ate 4 meals out, all evening meals. We took a cooler with chicken, protein shakes (Jay Robb...low carbs 110 calories), nuts, apples, and Atkins bars. Breakfast, lunch and snacks were all from those selections.

Two meals were very disappointing; not worth the money spent or the calories ingested. For one, I ordered steak, no potato/rice selection and a salad with blue cheese dressing. Broccoli was included, but it was mushy. I had two glasses of wine. No desert. For the other, I had French onion soup and a salad with a pear/vinegar dressing. Meh. I was pissed about this whole dinner. I had one glass of wine and it sucked. No desert here either.

However, both of those nights, we had chocolate later, and we did end up consuming adult beverages...me, another glass of wine back at the hotel each night. I brought 2 bottles for the 4 nights, but I brought home about 3/4 of one of them. In any case, one of those nights, it was just a regular dark chocolate selection from the machine in the hall, but it was too sweet. In the event we got a chocolate craving again, the next day we picked up a quality 70% cocoa bar and split that later in the evening.

The two good meals were at a steakhouse. I ordered a salad and filet mignon. I skipped the potato selection again. I did eat the bread they put on the table these times as it was really good bread: two pieces both times. Again, I had wine with dinner.

We hiked in the hills/mtns. of the U.P. one whole day, did get out and walked every couple of hours each day we were in the car, and we got in a couple of miles on the hotel treadmill the day it was rainy.

This morning I am up 3.5 lb, however, I know that by going back to the way I usually eat, and by getting 3-5 miles per day in on the treadmill, and perhaps some yoga, I will be back down to where I was before I left maybe by the end of the week. I can pretty much figure that getting back to the daily routine will take me twice as long to take it off as it did to put it on, and I have to work fairly hard at it. For instance, in a regular day, I may get the treadmill OR yoga, but not both; I may get 2-3 miles in, but 4 or 5 is pushing it. It's the price I pay for eating out all weekend, even if I made better choices than I might otherwise and even if I didn't allow myself to just indulge.

And make no mistake, while I don't 'diet' to stay here, every single thing I put in my mouth is a conscious choice. All calories are NOT the same! I probably eat the same or MORE calories on a daily basis as I did before, but I typically stay away from grains and sugar. That's the biggest difference.

I keep close track of my weight, and get right on it when I have a weekend like I just had. The biggest 'splurge' of this weekend was I didn't take the scale. I knew that even if I saw the indicator go up, I wouldn't do anything different, so what was the point? But it was the first thing I did this morning, so I could strategize for the rest of the week. I needed to assess the damages right away so it doesn't get out of control.

This program is not magic. People cannot go back to eating the way they did before. What made them fat before will make them fat again, there is no question about that. They cannot use food for reasons other than nourishment. This program gives them the opportunity to cultivate new habits, techniques for dealing with emotions or stress, and ways to socialize that don't always revolve around food...but it is UP TO THE PERSON TO USE THE OPPORTUNITY PROVIDED THEM!

If they look at this like a 'diet', but don't address ALL the ways they gained, they may or may not stabilize, but even if they do, they likely won't keep it off long term. This isn't because the program doesn't work, it's because THEY AREN'T WORKING THE PROGRAM. If someone starts asking me 'when can I have...' I lead them into dialog about changing their perceptions and habits over and over again, but I know they are the ones that will gain it back. It's not that they can't ever have those things again, but that if they are so focused on when they can get back to those old ways, it's probably an issue for them.

I enjoyed this weekend. It was worth a bit of extra work and due diligence regarding my food selections and workout habits for a week or two. It's part of my new life to take care of myself in a way I know works. Conventional wisdom about nutrition and weight management are just plain wrong, and as long as people remain stuck in those perceptions, we will continue to be an obese nation.

vacation

2010-09-08T06:41:00.000-07:00

Well, we just returned from 6 days of 'vacation'. It wasn't so restful, but this blog is not about that, so other than the fact that no sleep/constantly interrupted sleep contributes to weight gain, I'm only logging my stabilization progress...or lack thereof.

We took our own stabilization-friendly food, and ate that MOST of the time. During the six days we were gone, we ate out 4 times. During those 4 outings, I still made decent selections for about 80% of what I ordered. In that week, I had the equivalent of perhaps one potato (several entries included some sort of potato, and I did take a few bites), an average of a little less than piece of bread per day, and one full desert (a very small piece of keylime pie at one place for our anniversary dinner, and bites of a desert I shared with my husband.)

I drank a glass or two of wine most nights.

I did not eat the dips and chips and brownies at the family gathering Saturday night. I did not eat the pizza on the tall ship cruise Sunday night. I did not eat the very tempting baked goods at the bakery/breakfast place we ate at on Sunday morning. I chose scrambled eggs.

I ate more beef (the form of filet mignon) than I usually do in a month, because it makes me gain. I was hoping to get a good one at least once, but was sorely disappointed.

The first time, it was at Mission Table. This place used to be called Bower's Harbor Inn, and it was elegant with THE most superb food. It was a special place we'd go to for our anniversary and New Year's Eve. It was worth the drive (it's WAYYYY out on the end of a peninsula) for special occasions, because while it was expensive, it was a special treat. Now, it's just expensive and WAYYY out on a peninsula. The new owners have removed all the 'special' from it. Sad. Our server, Raja, who has been the one constant over the years was still there, that was the one nice thing. The food wasn't bad, but it wasn't special. It was almost worth the splurge, but not the build up.

The next place was billed as an 'elegant, gourmet dining experience'. It was so NOT. My steak was very overdone and nothing about the dinner was anything but ordinary, except the bread. That was good. I kicked myself that I actually didn't say anything so that at least it would be worth it.

The next place we've eaten at before, and everything about it was good...I will go back...but I DID send my steak back, because this time, it wasn't even warm in the middle and was mushy. I just couldn't eat it unless they actually cooked it. So, I sat there waiting for food while my husband ate his dinner.

As for exercise, it was chilly and we didn't get beach walks. We did get 2 miles on the treadmill at the hotel two of those days, and about 1/2 hour of yoga one day, and the hot tub/sauna I think 4 of the 6 days.

Now on to the important part. In six days, being 'good' at least 80% of the time and not having any one dining experience worth a gain, I gained FIVE POUNDS.

I had someone comment a week or two ago that it's not fair that others can eat what they want while some of us can't. I tried to be the 'rah rah' support team, but frankly, right at this moment, I'm thinking it sucks eggs too!

So, while I'm still at the 'normal' line on Wii, I'm right AT the line. I'm back up to the place I really don't mind being at, but I was sooooo excited to be 5 lb. lower! I hope it doesn't take me a month to get back there!

I never thought I'd say this: I LOVE MY SCALE!

2010-09-01T10:12:00.000-07:00

Years ago, we splurged and bought a scale that was supposed to be super accurate. As a matter of fact, my dad has the same scale, and he says it is exactly the same as his doctor's scale, and the scale at the physical therapist's office.

I have not been on said scale in oh, perhaps 10 years.

The last time I was on it, I had placed a marker at 180 (where I was) and 124 (where I wanted to be). At some point it went up above 180, I got frustrated and depressed, and I banished the scale to the garage.

My husband just dug it out and tested it, thinking we could clean it up and at the very least take it to Goodwill if it was in good working order. We have the Wii, so we figured it was pointless to keep moving the big monster of a scale around. He said it looked like it was still pretty accurate, so would I clean it up.

So I tested it. Wii has me at 126. The other put me at 121!!!! I got off and on and off and on, moved it to carpet, re-calibrated, tried again. 121. This morning, 119!!!! I brought it upstairs and put it on tile...119!!!

So, I officially love this scale.

Perhaps milk sugars are a problem?

2010-08-31T06:05:00.001-07:00

I'm up .9 this morning, and considering I know my calorie count was under 1500 yesterday, I'm thinking that the either the milk sugars in the goats milk got me, or there is just nothing I can do here.

The protein mix in the shakes I consumed had no sugars, and the calorie count for each shake was 310. The goat's milk is low in carbohydrate, but has 10 g. of sugar (I'm assuming lactose...milk sugars) which I didn't think would be a problem.

Maybe they aren't. Maybe this is normal, and my body is just trying to be where it wants, or this is a variation and tomorrow I'll be down 2 lb. Who knows? I know I don't have another steak day in me just yet, thus, it is what it is.

I am sore all over from scrubbing all my floors thrice yesterday. Also could be the problem. This calls for some yoga.

Thoughts of yesterday

2010-08-30T12:01:00.000-07:00

First of all, brief update: down .4 today, 2 protein shakes so far today, planning an apple for a snack and tomato/basil/mozzarella salad for dinner.

Yesterday, we went for a bike ride; about 8-10 miles alone the Lake Michigan shoreline. It was beautiful!

During our ride, I saw at least a dozen overweight, obese and morbidly obese people on bikes, walking and on roller blades. I thought, "That was me." I wanted to go up to everyone of them and tell them they don't have to keep struggling, because I was so acutely aware of what it took for them to be out there.

They may very well enjoy walking, biking and skating. I know I did. But every outing carried the risk of ridicule...people mooing or yelling 'get your fat ass off the road'.

Every outing was laborious...no matter how much you enjoy being active and outside, it's just HARDER when you carry that much extra weight.

I've said it before, fat people, especially fat people who are active and healthy and who do all the 'right' things, are very aware that they are being judged as lazy and gluttonous by at least one person who does no know them, and likely several, every time they go out. They know that even people they know think they are lazy, and liars to boot, because if they 'really' ate as little as they say and 'really' were as active as they claim, they wouldn't be fat. It's a lie, of course, and the fat people know it. They know they are doing everything they are 'supposed' to be doing, and yet they are fat. It's crazy-making.

Again, I'm not saying that there aren't fat people out there who do just eat too much and move too little. I'm saying that some of us are fat despite all of our best efforts. Those are the big people you see out there walking and biking. And I just wanted to tell them that what they are doing is never going to work if it hasn't already. Doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results is the definition of insanity. I wanted to tell them there is a way to make your outside match your inside, and a way to fix your body so it works right again.

But I didn't, obviously. They'd think I'm a nut. They wouldn't believe me because it seems to good to be true. They wouldn't believe me because it is contrary to everything they think they know is true about being overweight, even though their very experience is prove that what they think they know isn't so.

Sigh.

Bad combination

2010-08-29T08:13:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, I left the house for the day with only enough 'safe' food for a few hours, and we ended up being gone ALL day.

We delivered my dau's cat to her new apartment, meaning I am now an 'empty nester' and my dau is officially embarking on the journey of the rest of her life. So, we were in a celebratory mood, I was hungry by the end of the day AND...the final straw...my favorite restaurant was only 10 min. away.

We went, and initially I was good. No bread from the bread basket, no bun with the burger, no fries or anything...just salad with blue cheese. I did have wine with my dinner, and I did split a piece of cheesecake with my husband.

I dreaded facing the scale this a.m. To make matters worse, we stayed up late last night, and slept in really late today, so I was weighing about 3 or 4 hours later than usual. It's hot and humid, (we don't have the AC on yet) and I can feel my fingers are swollen. There was also likely more salt in restaurant food than I usually use.

All contributing to my weigh in, but none so much as the fact that I had 1000 calories in before we went out to dinner, and likely ate at least 1000-1500 more there.

I was up 1.5, which means I gained back all I lost on the steak day on Friday plus about .2 of a lb. However, after a couple of cups of Smooth Move (TMI, but no 'movement' all weekend, so for the last two days, nothing that's gone in has exited) and a day of bike riding and hiking and eating normal amounts of 'safe' foods for me, I should be able to get a more accurate assessment of where I really am. I can't do another steak day; it's too soon. I've found they don't work well if they are used too often. Besides, I don't enjoy them...I endure them.

Decisions, decisions

2010-08-27T05:09:00.001-07:00

I am up 1.5 lb. today.

Yesterday, I'm positive did not eat more than 1200 calories; no sugar, no starch. I didn't even have nuts yesterday. I tracked every bite.

I didn't exercise hard enough to initiate water weight retention. I did haul the monster vacuum cleaner to all three floors and did a little Wii, but not strength training or anything.

Thus, I could conclude my body is just adjusting to processing more food and is doing so slowly. I'm not over 2 lb. even from yesterday, so technically, there is no cause for a steak day. My options are, in order of sensibility:

ignore it and eat normally today
[in addition to the above] have some Smooth Move tea and see if moving things along changes anything
do a steak day anyway

I'm actually leaning toward the last option, mainly because I was already thinking I might have steak tonight. It's Friday, our traditional steak night, for one thing. For another, I haven't had beef in well over a month and it sounded good for tonight. For another, I loathe Smooth Move tea--both the taste and the effects. It works, for sure, but I hate it. I'd rather just not eat today and treat myself to that steak tonight.

Another reason I'm going to tend to be so stringent on keeping that scale steady for the next week is that I'm going to have a little less control next week. I don't want to take chances. I'm exactly where I wanted to be when I started this journey. I'm not losing ground now!

I guess my decision has been made. :-)

Whoo hoo!

2010-08-26T06:25:00.000-07:00

I was a little worried about this am. I was already hungry yesterday morning, so I started right out the gate with a handful of macs, kicking myself all the way. Then over the course of my day at work, nibbled a protocol meal...cukes, apple, 100g chicken, melba. When I got home, I prepared to teach a class and made my people caprese salad, which I tried before I sprinkled the olive oil on it...so I had about an oz. of mozzarella with my tomato. I had my melba and chicken, but skipped my apple thinking the calorie count was already over by perhaps 100 calories, AND I had fat in the cheese and nuts. I did do 1/2 hour of prayerful yoga that was challenging, but wasn't sure that would mitigate my sins.

So, it was with trepidation I stepped on the scale. I was pleasantly surprised to be down .4 lb.! I'm still in the 124 area, but at the threshold of bumping down. I'm 3.5 lb. away from the Wii goal. Not that I'm shooting for that anymore, I'm feeling pretty skinny at 124, but I didn't reset it, so it will still be counting for another 2 weeks or so.

Tiara Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-08-25T03:50:00.000-07:00

Nope, I didn't reach my Wii goal of 121 (which I just realized is completely opposite of my original 212 starting point after loading). But I did reach my goal of 124.4!!!! 124 was my goal when I began this journey more than a year-and-a-half ago. It was the last weight I recalled feeling good about myself. I was a size 5 at that weight before. It's the goal I had in my head for the last 20 years. It's the goal I never thought I'd see ever again. Not only did I see it this morning, but I'm smaller in size now than I was at 124 in the past!

I didn't write yesterday even though it was sort of exciting. The dinner cruise and my substitutions didn't hurt me weight-wise. I did however feel weird all day. No super hungry or anything, just sort of emotionally raw, maybe near panicky? Like something bad was about to happen. Just this sense of impending doom all day. I couldn't concentrate, was restless. Then later in the afternoon, I had this weird vision issue where my vision was just...spotty. I wasn't dizzy, things weren't out of focus; I just couldn't see everywhere in my field of vision. It's hard to explain.

For some reason, I felt like I needed some good fat. I don't know why I felt that, because I also felt this was due to a bug or flu since I also felt feverish and achy, but I did. So I had two little pieces of chocodelight with coconut oil and went to bed by like 8:30 pm. I was up at 5:30 am and felt pretty good. Especially after I saw the scale!!!

It's goin' to be a good day, Tater.

Judgement Day

2010-08-23T06:11:00.000-07:00

Down .7 lb. over the last two days. I'm still going in the right direction, I'm just not where I hoped I'd be.

I'm sitting in front of the Wii, so I can get some accurate data here and think...

ON 8/9 (when I had to re-boot and lost all previous data on the Wii) I was 130.5 and today I 8/23 am 125.9. That's 19 days and barely 5 lb. gone. That's approximately 1/4 lb. per day. that's not even 2 lb. per week! And the last week has been rather sucky, which is not the way it's supposed to be. I even had to take a Motrin last night because I had a headache, and while I caution people against assuming that hcg has anything to do with random aches and pains that can crop up when you do anything for any length of time, with everything that's happened in the last week, I have to consider there may be some connection.

I told myself that I would only quit today IF I had reached 124 lb, which is not my goal, but was my original goal. I did not reach that goal. It looks like it would likely take me at least a week to reach that. It looks like there is no way I can reach 121 even in the 16 days I have left to obtain my Wii objective. And I'm not sure I have it in me. At this point, it's taking willpower, which it shouldn't. Sure, there are moments that require willpower typically, but the usual hcg protocol has been effortless 99% of the time, with short and infrequent moments of effort. This is not that.

And I have to consider that IF I am only losing what I would on 500 calories per day without hcg, and IF I am feeling hungry and yucky, it may mean that the hcg is not working or my body is not using it correctly. I just mixed it; I know it's fresh. That would mean my body just isn't recognizing it (immunity or refusal to give up more fat). If that's the case, than what I'm losing could be muscle, and that will just screw with my metabolism ultimately...and not be good for my heart.

Since the whole point of doing this is to avoid all that, and because it's usually so easy, I think I may have to conclude that my husband was right: I'm wasn't really a good candidate for this any more. I was too close to a 'normal' weight that my body wants, and it's just not working optimally. It really is for obesity. It's not a quick fix to lose a few lb., which is really all I wanted to do.

So, I think today I start with my '3 days and I'm out' portion of the program. On Thursday, I'm going to start with about 1000 calories and not go for the high calorie options, even though I know I can have the fat. I'd rather eat more foot if I'm not going for 1500 calories. If I can keep it between 1000 and 1500 (and I am aware that 1200 is 'diet' for most people and that about 1900 calories is 'normal' for maintenance...it isn't for me; I gain) I know I can stay in range.

I'll keep posting here throughout to keep myself accountable.

Later--

Menu for the dinner cruise:

Chicken swimming in some creamy sauce
Creamy mashed potatoes
Cesar Salad, premixed
Baby carrots and cauliflower, it looked like steamed with dill
Desert tray

I couldn't see a sheen on the veggies, and there was no butter sauce in the bottom of the pan they were served in, so I'm thinking they were steamed. I ate about 1/2 cup of that, passed on everything else and drank water...tons of it.

I was going to come home and have my apple and cuke if there wasn't anything I could have, and I ate my 100g chicken breast and melba before I left so I wouldn't be starving. I'm thinking with the uncertainty of the veggie prep, I should skip the cuke and/or apple. I may have a cup of decaf or something, then go to bed early as I am really, really tired. The gentle rocking of the boat made me sleepy...on top of the fact that I've just been tired overall for days. So, that's going to be the rest of my night, and that's how I chose to navigate this particular event.

From here on out, it gets easier. (manifesting my reality, don'cha know)

Waiting game

2010-08-22T14:27:00.001-07:00

Today, I woke up feeling great. I wasn't hungry, hadn't awoken hungry in the night (which has happened on occasion the last week or so), and was feeling so great I contemplated playing tennis or going for a bike ride.

I didn't eat until noon, and then only because everyone else was eating, not because I had been waiting to devour my protocol meal.

By 2 pm however, I was already hungry. Vacuuming made me a little weak, and every once in a while I feel a little like I may be getting a headache, but it never really manifests. I'm counting down the minutes until I can eat. I don't want to eat anything too early as I don't want to be hungry before bed...even though bedtime may come early tonight as I'm tired.

I don't know what the scale will say tomorrow, but I'm starting to think I'm going to have to take what I get. This isn't supposed to be like this, and hasn't been most of the times I've done it. Toward the end, or during my TOM, there have been days, but this is working now on days in a row. I do believe both of those factors, and the fact that my body is just as low as I dare go, not just for now, but as low period. I'm starting to really think the Wii and BMI calculators are just whacked. I'm comfortable here, I'd like to stay here.

Tomorrow I could change my mind. :-)

Winding down I think

2010-08-21T13:34:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I was up .4 lb. and weighed 126.4. I'm currently wearing a size 4 skirt. My husband asked me 'when are you going to stop this?' yesterday when he got home from his business trip.

Well, I'd like to stop right this minute. It's getting harder every day. I'm hungrier, thus relying on gum to help me get between meals. I'd like to blame my extreme fatigue on the f*cking cat that kept me up all night, which would be true, except for the last several nights I've been very tired, very early. Yesterday, I actually started my TOM, so that plays some part, I'm sure, but I really think I'm getting to a point where I think I'm done. Stick a fork in me.

There are a couple of reasons I haven't stopped. One is that I won't be able to weigh again until Monday morning because we have guests staying in the basement where the Wii is and that's my only scale. I need to have a definitive end weight, especially since I didn't have a definitive start weight. My Wii goal ends on Monday, I believe, and it should be about 121. I set it according to a 22.7 BMI if I recall, and that's about 121. Still 5 lb. more than Wii says I should be, but Dave's right...I'm feeling a little on the bony side these days. It feels fine, and I'm good here; I just wouldn't want to be 10 lb. lighter. 5? Maybe. It's not that I think it's that much different then where I am, but it gives me more 'wiggle room' before I'd hit a point where I don't feel comfortable.

Never in a million years would I have thought I'd ever be worrying about being TOO THIN!

I don't want to go too far, though I think my body won't let me, actually. I'm getting some pretty clear signs now, I believe. Or I'm just sick of doing this. I'm not sure. But physically, I think it's real weakness, fatigue, hunger. I want to make damn sure I'm down as far as I can go, and damn sure I lock it in tight. This time I don't think it will be hard to do that as I'm going back to the drawing board as I did with this whole round. I'm not even going to add cream to my coffee for a couple of weeks. I'm going a lot slower with the additions; I'm being a lot more conservative in what I add and when.

I've been arguing with myself in my journal, coming up with justifications for quitting, and then for not. I've given myself a dozen different deadlines, and 'I'll stop when I get to ____' or 'I'll know my body is done when _____' and then I ignore my own line in the sand.

I like being a size 4. I'd like to stay here. I know now I don't want to be a size 2/3, as much as I like the two dresses in my closet that are there. Really, they aren't worth it, I think. 4-6 is lovely and I feel good there. I just want to be solidly there.

I'm just talking to myself again, but I think for others who are doing though this, it's important to know that it's ok to know when to say when. It's important to hash out where we want to be as opposed to where someone/thing says we should be. Sometimes that means talking to yourself, I guess.

Progress and thoughts

2010-08-17T07:24:00.000-07:00

First, for the progress report...
I decided to toss it up a bit and have fish on Saturday, even though I hate fish. I thought I could make it in a way I could choke it down. I was wrong. I tried. I got most of it down, but I had to hold my breath to do it. Yuck!

So anyway, my body doesn't seem to like fish either. Sunday I was hungry and weak and dizzy on occasion. I figured I metabolized the fish faster than chicken, or didn't get enough calories from it. So I ate as normal, although I added 8 macs in the morning. I also got a 6-8 mile bike ride (odometer broken). I don't remember if I weighed, or what the number was.

Yesterday, up .2 lb., but I also weighed much earlier than previously, which almost always shows up as more. Because I was already starting to get hungry in the a.m., I tested my hCG on a pregnancy test. It came up much lighter than the test line, which I interpreted to mean perhaps after two weeks from mixing, my hCG was losing strength.

I tossed it and mixed anew. Note to self (and others): it still comes up lighter than test line when mixed new. It would seem that's just the way it was, so I wasted probably 10 days worth for nothing; maybe more, because today, also hungry already (it's 9:30 a.m.) and if it turns out that this is all because my body has had enough despite what my brain is shooting for, I'll end up wasting what's left of this vial. Lesson learned.

So anyway, this am I'm down .4 lb, again, super early, but comparable to yesterday's time. Tomorrow will be similar,but then Thursday and Friday will be different times. I sort of doubt I'll be able to weigh at all this weekend since we'll have company.

I will definitely wait out the week to see what an assortment of variables contribute to the process, and evaluate if I keep going one or two more weeks beyond that. I really depends on how I feel and how it's working.

OK, now for some deep (?) thoughts:

Comments from people sometimes make me think about weird stuff. Things I notice these days make me think of weird stuff. For instance, it was really hot the other day, and as I'm driving down the street, I see an obese person walking. I remember being that person, but I realize that I have not given a thought to the heat other than to note it's hot. I'm not worrying about my thighs chaffing if I wear the wrong thing. I'm not worried about hugging anyone lest I drench them in sweat. I'm not driving around the block looking for a closer parking spot because I think I might pass out in the heat on the way from my car to the store. I'm hot, but I'm not miserable.

I realize that the smaller I get, the less I think about weight, or the numbers on the scale. Even during protocol these days, occasionally I forget either to weigh, or what the scale said specifically. Comments from thin people (often who do not realize that I used to be fat, or who just forget) seem to indicate that they believe that fat people to not think about the implications of being fat...but they think about it EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF EVERY SINGLE DAY. Every morsel I put in my mouth when I was fat had a thought behind it. Every time I saw an outfit I liked and knew it wouldn't fit; every time I met someone new and worried about how they might judge me; every time I saw someone who knew me before I got fat and worried about what they'd say about me; every time I shopped or ate out and noticed that other people were taking note of what I was eating; every time I hugged someone, every time I was short of breath; every time it hurt to tie my shoes. There is nothing a fat person does that doesn't remind them that they are fat, often despised, judged, uncomfortable and self-conscious.

That said, something that ties into that is that now, when I do tell people where I've come from and how I got to where I am, they often comment, "Way to go!" or "Good for you!" or "Good job!" Honestly, in light of the previous paragraph, I have to say, I now realize why I have been at a loss for words when people have said such things.

One would think that those are compliments, or that I would at least feel complimented. But I don't. I usually sort of respond with a weak, "Thanks?" and here's why...

Even on protocol, I'm not thinking about weight or struggling nearly as much as I did every day when I was fat. In the last 18 months, I've put less thought and energy into weight than on any given day of my life for the last 20 years. I guess to me, saying 'good for you' implies that for all that time, I didn't work my ass off, or try to lose weight, or think about my body at all, which is far from the truth. Why didn't anyone commend me for all the time I struggled? I worked much harder at trying to lose weight year after year than I have since I discovered hCG. In comparison, it's been effortless, if only because there was actual reward for my effort, which had never happened before, even when the effort was nearly killing me.

That's also the reason that I get annoyed when people tell me, "That's great...but I'd rather (lose weight) on my own." As if I somehow took an easy way out.

Let me be clear...it's NEVER been easy. When I say Simeons' protocol was easy for me, that's because diet and exercise didn't work. Fantastic if it works for someone else, but I ate less on a daily basis than many people do in a meal for most of that 20 years, and still did not get smaller. I see people in my office every day with the same story, in tears because they've been told they aren't trying hard enough...if they just reduced the calories and moved more, they'd HAVE to get smaller. But they have and they didn't. They've starved themselves, they've hired personal trainers, they've work out 2-3 hours per day and STILL they were stuck. They tear up because they know I believe them--I've BEEN them.

Even now, when I am on maintenance, on-line calorie calculators tell me I should eat almost double what I can actually eat to maintain.

Every body is different. People like me didn't get fat because we were lazy or because we ate all the wrong food or huge portions. To be sure, there are people who do, and they know who they are. They will flat out say, "I got fat because..." and sure enough, they know their portion sizes are unreasonable and that they don't move enough. (So, FYI, they don't need you to tell them.) For those people a few habit changes are all that's required to get slim. But not all fat people are created equal!

/rant/

Still going...

2010-08-14T08:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday and today were BOTH -1.1 days! I'm now poised to beat that 128 previous low. I went back to see if 128 or 127 was my previous low, and I couldn't find it, but I think it was 128. I also think that 124 was my previous goal, and this time I think I entered 121 into my goal on the Wii, 'cause in my head I have 119-121, but it said I was like 6.7 lb. away today and that would have to be around 121. Last time I was 5. something away from goal, and I don't think I was any lower than I am now, probably not quite as low.

I FEEL smaller.

That is a good thing, because yesterday was my dh birthday, and he makes a mean steak, which he did for himself, and I made him chocolate delight. I had neither, because I'm doing so well, so consistently, I didn't want to mess it up. Oddly enough, I didn't want a glass of wine as much as I thought I would. I really didn't even miss celebrating with the good food. It helps that I had big drops yesterday and today both. That tends to make it worthwhile.

This week should be an easy week as long as I'm not hungry, and I haven't been too bad. Doing yoga a few times a week seems to be a good thing, and I see no problem with the food. Yes, it's boring, but again, as long as I'm continuing to go down, I'm good with that. Even if I were to stall, I think I'd go another two weeks just because I know sometimes there is a stall around now. That takes me beyond that dinner cruise, bummer, but has me a week into stabilization before the next summer event, and a month into it for my anniversary.

He's making omelets right now, and again, oddly I'm not the least bit hungry or tempted.

Oh, and yesterday, I tried some size 4s on...and they fit! :-)

I'm NORMAL!

2010-08-09T07:40:00.000-07:00

Well, ok; maybe not. But it was a fantastic weekend. :-)

This a.m. I'm at 130.5. This is my sweet spot. This is where I've been comfortable for months, and this week will be illuminating. If I slow or stop, it may indicate that this is where my body prefers to be, although it was a pretty big leap from Friday to Monday...that probably means I'll continue, at least slowly, for the week. It's encouraging anyway.

After recalibrating my Wii, it again tells me to shoot for 116, but I set my goal for 120 in the next 4 weeks. On protocol, this is not an impossible goal, though the Wii did suggest more time. I'm not doing this longer than 6 weeks, and I really hope not to have to go more than another 2 or 3 weeks, depending on how my supply holds up and my progress.

Anyway, I looked at my calendar again this a.m. and I have yet ANOTHER social dinner gig on the 23rd! My planning really wasn't great, but oh well. I'll just have to enjoy without the food.

Boy! Did I pick a bad time for this!

2010-08-08T17:51:00.000-07:00

So, once again, I was gone for the weekend. That means that 5 out of the 11 VLCI days, I was not even at home and had to navigate awkward situations. The first time, there was a family situation that was unexpected, but this time, it had been planned for a long time.

The first time, I did not find it so hard to stay on protocol. I was busy and my mind was on other things. This time, it was sort of a social situation...visiting friends at their cabin. The hostess made a wonderful dinner and breakfast with me in mind, and I ungraciously declined to partake in order to stay on protocol. And the food looked really good! If I had been on maintenance, without the hCG, I might have been a lot more tempted. As it was, I wasn't hungry, so it wasn't bad to just eat my own food at allotted times. Even then, I wasn't actually very hungry; I just ate so I'd stay on track and get my calories in. It was awkward to not partake, but like I said the hosts were very kind and understanding. The harder part was resisting a glass of wine or two as everyone else partook of cocktails!!!

That's hard right now too. It's a beautiful night for being on the patio with a class of Merlot. Sigh.

In the next couple of weeks, I have my husband's 55th birthday, and a once in a lifetime family reunion, both of which should include good food and libations, but I, reluctantly, in order to stay on track, will enjoy the company of my loved ones, but will not be enjoying the food and drink with them. Again, sigh.

I almost feel that I need to stay on protocol because it is the knowledge of how unforgiving the hcg is that keeps me on track. If I thought I could wiggle a little on stabilization, I may very likely be willing to risk the whole shebang. That would surely derail me. Although, I have to say, I'd like to NOT be on protocol, or even in the first 3 weeks of stabilization, for my 25th wedding anniversary. Timing is critical here. Thus, I really (really, really) hope that 1. I run out of hCG 3 weeks prior to my anniversary (because I am loathe to waste that stuff!) and b. reach my goals in that same time frame.

I don't know how I'm doing currently because my Wii was messed up the day we left for the cabin, so I have no clue what I weighed yesterday or today. We fixed it, so I will be able to check in tomorrow for a progress report. I expect to be on target simply because I was so good this weekend. My only guilty moment (and I confess it was due to feeling deprived of the good food, not hunger, so GASP! a cheat) was literally 6-8 macadamia nuts this morning. I'm going to get some Wii time in, or yoga, after I'm done here to try to atone for that.

Anyway, I do expect to be somewhere near target tomorrow a.m., which would mean finally back down to where I am most comfortable. That would mean that anything beyond that takes me down to where the Wii and BMI tables tell me I should be. Well, not exactly. According to charts and the Wii, I'm shooting for 116. I'm not really. I'd be very, very happy with 119-124 as my 5 lb. range. I was 134 on Friday. I would hope I can do 10 lb. in 2 weeks, 15 in 6 should I choose to take it that far...although that messes up my anniversary plans. We'll see. If I'm still going strong, no matter what I want for my anniversary, this is more important. I'm thinking if I have to go the distance with the full 6 weeks to get where I want to be, I can put our celebration off for a couple of weeks. It's just a day. The important part is that we celebrate it together, whenever we are able.

(Just trying to talk myself into compliance for the duration here.)

I blame the tomatoes!

2010-08-04T08:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a zero day already. Tomatoes were the only thing I did different. They caused issues before, so I'd guess they were the problem.

Otherwise, things are going well, especially considering the circumstances. Twice I was away from a scale...the first time being at the very beginning so I don't know what I gained loading. But today, I was down .7 lb., and nearly at the 'comfortable' weight I'd held for months. I would expect I'll reach that by the end of the weekend.

It will be another weekend where I must plan. Last weekend, I was unexpectedly traveling, so that was a challenge. I navigated well, I must say. I stuck to protocol, though my water consumption and sleep patterns and stress level were not optimal

Because there have been variables outside my control, though for the most part at least I've been able to control the food, even after this weekend I won't be able to guess at what the end result might be. I do know I'm releasing consistently, if not in great amounts. That sounds greedy, I know. Surely it's been at least a pound per day if I only go by the weight I was when I decided to go it again; likely closer to 2 per day average if I gained anywhere near what I had during loading in the past. It's just frustrating to know that I can't even look to what I may release above and beyond where I was before for at least 2 weeks. Bummer.

Today, I think I will try to fit in some yoga. It's very prayerful to me, and I have some healing energy to send out.

Hm.

2010-08-02T18:11:00.000-07:00

Today, one client told me that that I inspired her because of how I looked in what I wore at our last visit. Nice.

A past client asked me if I'd lost more weight since we'd last met, and told me I shouldn't lose any more.

I'm glad I'm OK with where I am and where I'm going. :-)

Off to a wonky start

2010-07-30T04:58:00.001-07:00

I didn't weigh during loading, so I was interested to see what the total was at the beginning of my first VLCI (Very Low Calorie Intake...I don't do 'diet') day. But, my dau had decided to sleep in the basement with the Wii and I couldn't weigh without waking her up.

So, I did today. After one day of VLCI (which went fine...no unusual hunger, even though I hadn't gone shopping and didn't have my second veggie, and I chose not to have melba toast) I was down .7 lb. from the last time I weighed, before loading. So, either I didn't gain much during loading, or I lost all of it and then some.

Now, I'm trying to organize one of those variables that makes life interesting. My sister just had a baby. She's in another state and has asked me to come help with breastfeeding. I can be gone for the weekend, but have a full day at work on Monday. So, I'm trying to figure out how to pull this off, be able to take my hcg and protocol food, etc.

Loading again

2010-07-28T11:48:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. Just over 2 months ago, I thought perhaps it would be the last time ever I'd do this. But I never did reach where I wanted to be for our vacation at year's end. If I want to do it and have it locked in, I have to do it now. Like last time, it may or may not 'work'. I may be where my body wants to be. Plus, my dh helpfully pointed out that I'm not really a suitable candidate for this anymore. If someone came to me and said they only wanted to get rid of 10-20 lb. I'd tell them no way. But I've been bike riding, and playing tennis, and doing yoga...and I haven't lost the last bit with just regular eating and activity. So, I'm going to try again.

Besides, there has been a thought running around in my head for a few weeks now, and it seems I will get no rest until I let it out, so I'll share it here. I also need to test the theory, which means I go another round.

When I was in Michigan on vacation over the 4th, we went to one of our favorite restaurants in Traverse City. It used to be Bower's Harbor Inn. The casual dining area is now The Jolly Pumpkin, and the formal dining area is Mission Table. Anyway, the place has recently changed hands and changed names, but the legend of Genevieve remains.

In a nutshell, her story is that she was an obese and jealous woman who committed suicide when her husband left all of his wealth to his mistress. He left her only the mansion (at what must have seemed the ends of the earth at that time) and it is said she still haunts the place today.

However, every time I’ve been there, I’ve wondered why they called her ‘obese’, or why she considered herself such. All of the pictures show her as completely ‘normal’ weight as far as I can tell. This time when we were there however, I had an epiphany: The definition of ’obese’, official and the public perception of obese, has changed over time. Not only that, but it is different in different places now. ‘Fat’ is a subjective observation. Personally, I consider myself quite svelte now, but my Wii still says I’m overweight and many would still consider me fat to look at me. I don’t consider size 6 ‘fat’, but some really do.

If you read message boards about obesity, you find derogatory, even abusive, remarks from Europeans about ‘fat Americans’ and our gluttonous nature. And here is where a couple of thoughts came together regarding the Simeons hcg protocol ‘loading days’ that I feel are important.

‘Loading days’ are the three days before beginning the VLCD (very low calorie diet) wherein one consumes as much fat as possible. From Pounds and Inches: A New Approach to Obesity by Dr. Simeons:

“Most patients who have been struggling with diets for years and know how rapidly they gain if they let themselves go are very hard to convince of the absolute necessity of gorging for at least two days, and yet this must he insisted upon categorically if the further course of treatment is to run smoothly. Those patients who have to be put on forced feeding for a week before starting the injections usually gain weight rapidly - four to six pounds in 24 hours is not unusual - but after a day or two this rapid gain generally levels off. In any case, the whole gain is usually lost in the first 48 hours of dieting. It is necessary to proceed in this manner because the gain re-stocks the depleted normal reserves, whereas the subsequent loss is from the abnormal deposits only.”

Note that he actually uses the word, ‘gorging’. I keep up with many lists/groups for this protocol, besides talking people through the process. And over the last year and a half, I’ve come to see that there are many interpretations of what this means.

Taking these directions quite literally when I began, for me this is what a loading day might look like:

Breakfast: 1 Egg McMuffin with cheese and bacon, hashbrowns, coffee with cream and sugar
Snack: 1 donut
Lunch: Peanut butter sandwich and 1-2 cups potato chips
Snack: 1/2 cup Ben & Jerry’s
Dinner: 1/3 of an order of Fettucini Alfredo (most places serve about what, say Olive Garden does) and ½ to ¾ of a piece of cheesecake, depending on if I split it with my husband or tried to eat it on my own.

A day like that would leave me feeling absolutely full and ill all day and into the night. I didn’t sleep well. As I talked to other people, I found that for some, this entire day is ONE meal! For some, ‘gorging’ for a meal means a pound of bacon and a 4 inch stack of pancakes with a side of potatoes for breakfast; 2 or 3 Big Mac meals with shakes and a whole package of Oreos for lunch; an entire pizza and quart of ice cream for dinner.

So with my own clients, I started stressing that while Simeons did say to eat as much fat as possible, and he did say to ‘gorge’, the point is NOT to feel as horrible as possible. I also emphasize that this is not a ‘carb load’. People who choose to load up on sugar are likely going to have a ‘sugar hangover’ with irritability, a headache and perhaps shakiness for the first few days. It is far better to ‘load’ with healthy fats like nuts, cheese, olive oil, coconut oil, avocado, oily fish, etc. than garbage, BUT if there is something someone will miss, like that piece of cheesecake, they should have one. ONE.

Ok, so how does this stuff on loading relate to Genevieve and my epiphany? Well, another thing I tell people is that we have to look at what Simeons wrote and practiced in context. The protocol works if we stick to it as closely as possible, but for instance he didn’t list tuna on his approved foods. In the 40s and 50s when he was working on his theory and helping people in Italy, tuna was packed in oil. It is a wonderful low-fat protein if it is packed in water, which is easy to find now. Another example would be that he allows lipstick, but not lipbalm. It might be that lipsticks known to him contained mineral oil, whereas lipbalm might have consisted of those nutritive oils that are absorbed by the skin, like olive oil. OR it might just be that being a male doctor in a chauvinistic time and place, he could not conceive of a woman not wearing lipstick.

Putting all of that together, it occurred to me that ‘gorging’ might likewise be a relative term. What exactly did Simeons mean by it? Remember, he was in Italy. Prior to that, he worked in India, and he was from England. Even today, European portion sizes are vastly different than what Americans consume. Not only that, but looking at this graph you can see that what was considered a serving size in the 40s and 50s was about 1/3 (or less) than what a ‘serving size’ is today. This link is a visual of the serving sizes just 20 years ago.

So what did Simeons really mean? I think that, like with Genevieve who may or may not have been ‘obese’ by today’s standards, we have to take into consideration what Simeons really meant considering the time and places that his ideas originated. He did not mean consuming an entire week’s worth of groceries in one day, I’m sure of it. Yes, he allowed a lot of crap, but besides the amount of calories in that crap, there is a psychological benefit to allowing oneself to eat something that, if they tell themselves they can’t have it for 3 months, is going to make them feel deprived and tempted.

So, this time, I am going to test my theory.

Physically, I don't think I could consume the amount I provided in the example of my first loading day even. Since that time, I've not loaded to that extent, just because I didn't want to feel as gross as I did the first time around. Granted, that first round worked the best of all of them, but I felt horrible for those 3 days of loading. This time, I'm not purposely 'loading' to a point of discomfort, but I am going the full 3 days, and I am staying away from sugar for the most part. I had snack that consisted of a piece of sugar-free cheesecake today, for instance. It was a 2" x 2" square, with blueberries. I had a bagal with cream cheese for lunch. I had 2 pieces Ezekiel Bread with butter and 3 slices of bacon for breakfast. I intended to have a couple of ounces of cheese or cottage cheese too, but I was too full after the toast and bacon. It is more bread than I planned on (even though the toast is sprouted and not flour) and I'm hoping that doesn't come back and bite me. Frankly, I still feel almost uncomfortably full right now and it's after 2:30 pm, so I'm thinking the hcg is doing it's job and tomorrow I'm super ready to just get on with it.

Really???

2010-07-11T09:16:00.000-07:00

Ok, I had to blog this just because it's asinine.
Over the last two days, the scale says I'm up two pounds (putting me at an all time high since November 2009) while my dh is DOWN 3.5 lb. in the same two days, doing the exact same things, and eating the exact same amounts of the exact same foods.
Since the 4th weekend, I lost what I had gained over the holiday, with steady losses all week.
Friday we both had some time off and made plans that commenced with dinner together that night.
Well, that's not exactly right. We had a yoga date Thursday night, and then had to grocery shop for your weekend.
So anyway, Friday, I cooked protocol/stabilization friendly trip foods. I made herbed eggs, no wheat/no sugar biscuits, mom's (no)potato salad and allowable blueberry cheesecake.
I had done an hour-and-a half of yoga one day, biked to work and back on Thursday (8-9 miles round trip) and did just he sun salutation series a few times with dh to stretch that ride out.
Friday, I did taste test while I was cooking because all of these were new or variations on stuff I'd tried just once or twice before. But with each test, I'd have halve and dh would have half and tell me what he thought.
We had steak that night for dinner, his twice the size of mine and mine a choice cut at that. Nothing else.
I had two glass of wine out on the patio...didn't finish the 2nd; he had a couple of his drinks (whiskey).
Sat. we made egg/muffin sandwiches with the low carb biscuits, had some coffee, and loaded the bikes to go 'up nort'. (It's a 'Sconsin thing.) We ended up doing quite a bit more riding in the car than we planned, but ultimately did get out and a.) hike a big ass hill and b.) ride 5 miles in the woods, the latter half of that trip trying to out run a thunder storm that was moving in off the lake.
Our road food left dh starving, while I was quite satiated the whole time. We packed LOTS of H2O (no sodas or anything else), 1 small serving (>1/2 cup or so) each of the (no)potato salad, 1 2 in. sq. ea. of the cheesecake, 2 apples (that did not get eaten...we were full at lunch and didn't eat them, but forgot about them in the cooler), a nut/dried berry trail-mix, Jay Robb protein shakes (also not consumed becuase we never stopped to pick up goats milk) and Atins bars.
The things we ate had no sugar or starches and are typically things that make us lose. However, I had 'gained' 1.1 lb. the day after the steak (as usual, unless it's the ONLY thing I eat all day as part of a IF (Intermittent Fast) and I didn't recover from that yet.
I will say, because I 'followed the rules' and because my rings and clothes are fitting normally, even in the heat and humidity when I usually have to take the rings off, I'm going to assume that I'm building muscle or something.
I would have been in a tailspin in the past! Honestly, if I had hCG in my possession, I'd probably panick and start another round right now, because I don't like seeing the scale where it is!
But, I'm going to breathe deeply, ride again today, yoga again today, beach it again today, eat what I know works for me again today, and trust that tomorrow I'll be down. I may make some smooth move tea just to make sure I'm weighing only my actual weight and nothing else, and I'll have an all protein day.
Oh, I did weigh a couple of hours later than the last few days, too. That always makes a difference, and usually no in my favor.
But how frustrating it is to be with someone 24/7, doing the exact same things...even eating LESS and having almost exact opposite results. That SUCKS!

Navigating a holiday weekend

2010-07-07T06:04:00.000-07:00

I survived the 4th of July no worse for the wear!

We traveled to Michigan for a long (really long...5 days!) weekend, meaning we were on the road two full days. We split the first part of the trip into two 5-hour days of driving, and the trip home was a full 8 hours.

We did not have our own scale with us. We barely fit all the junk did take into our car! I did weigh on my dad's scale our last day there, and it said I was the same as I was on my scale the day I left. That was encouraging because last time his scale was 4 lb. heavier than mine, and he said it was about that difference between his scale and his doctor's. So, I figured I actually might have lost a little, but I knew I didn't gain.

On my scale at home (after a full day of NO movement in the car) I was up a little less than a lb. Today I'm down a couple of tenths of a lb. I'm really close to my plus-2 lb. weight, which is up a little more than I want to be, but within the realm of decent.

I did party more than usual, but I make sure I had a bottle of water for every glass of wine. I chose cheese from the buffet table, and make decent choices at restaurants for the most part. I gave away most of the fries that came with my chicken or burgers...all total for the weekend I had about 20 fries and a 1/2 dozen chips. I had one 2 x 2 brownie. Otherwise, I ate food I brought that I know works for me in a pinch (nuts, fruit, Atkins bars) and stuck with cheese, or for breakfast the last day, bacon.

I do think that one thing that saved me was I made cookies and cupcakes from the Healthy Indulgences blog. I knew there would be temptations while eating out, at my step-moms (she's a stellar cook and baker!) and on the road. Having a bag of allowable treats made it really easy to go for those instead.

While I'm certain just being back and living life normally (well, our new normal, which is not quit Grok but close) will bring us back where we want to be, we (dh and I) think we may do a 'steak day' as an Intermittent Fast to bump us back quicker.

Overall, I'm pleased with what I feared would be a setback. Now I'm going to sound like those people I used to hate when I was 210 and say, "If I could only drop those last 10 lb. before our next vacation..." ;-)

Whew!

2010-06-28T05:56:00.001-07:00

The last several days have had me in a bit of a panic! I was eating no sugar, no starch as usual, I did yoga four times last week, and I biked several times in the last week as well...5 miles twice and 10 miles once. I slept well, had no stress and drank lots of water. Still, every day, I gained until I was well past the 2 lb. limit and 3 or 4 lb. past where I've become comfortable.

I didn't know what to switch up because I wasn't doing anything 'wrong'! So, instead of doing a steak day (since I'm not stabilizing or in a 'maintenance' phase...just living small!) I just trusted that if I was behaving, there must be a reason this was happening and it would even out. There were three possibilities as far as I could see: 1. I was not eliminating as much as I was taking in as fast as I was taking it in, even if it was reasonable and appropriate amounts 2. I'm on the TOM countdown, perhaps it was water weight, not to mention it was hot and humid and I retain water in those conditions too and 3. perhaps the exercise was helping me build muscle (even though I wasn't sore or anything) and I was retaining water during that process.

Anyway, this a.m. I'm back in the 'normal' range, down 1.5 lb. and happy again. I need to start charting this to determine when I'm most likely to weigh accurate and then cut back to once or twice a week weigh-ins. Believe it or not--and 2 years ago I never would have believed it myself--I almost look forward to that weigh in every morning. It's become a habit and I miss it when I don't do it! Logically, I know that the scale is not what is keeping me steady, but it feels like if I don't do it I will gain. Even if I'm doing everything 'right' I feel like if I miss a few days I'll get on and all will be lost.

Anyway, for those also on the journey, or who are at the same point, I thought it might be instructive to know that even when it seems like "your going the wrong way", that may not be the case.

Have a fantastic day!

It's been a while...

2010-06-20T16:57:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I posted, but life has been insane!

Keeping steady at the same place. It hasn't been too hard.

Last week, I attended a potluck and realized that the only thing there I was willing to eat was what I brought, which was a tomato, feta cuke salad. EVERYTHING else on the table had sugar or grains. 3 kinds of cookies, Dilly Bars, corn chips (with dip), potato chips (with dip), sloppy joes on buns...I think that was it. Nothing I was willing to work off.

Today, however, we ate at a nice restaurant. I did eat bread dipped in olive oil & basalmic vinegar. 2 thin slices. I ordered a chicken breast that was not oily or sweet that came with carrots, potatoes with roasted garlic and rosemary and spinach. I ate the spinach, a few slices of carrot, and a few 1 inch cubes of potato. Dave ate some too, and there were still some on the plate, so that tells you how few we ate. They were normal 'side' portions.

I did not have wine with dinner (lots of water though) but we did order a tiramisu and we split it. It was divine. Earlier we had ridden almost 5 miles through the woods...which is like 20 freakin' miles on pavement once you account for the fact that you have to keep a faster pace than the 'skeeters (and can't stop to rest for the same reason), and you must contend with sand and hills. Lots of both. We figured the 1.5 by 3 inch bit of desert, which was not very sweet anyway, was probably burned off earlier. We also rode about 10 miles on a paved bike trail the day before.

So, I hope it didn't set me back too much. We'll see.

First Steak Day in Last Round (ever?)

2010-05-31T09:08:00.001-07:00

I made it through the first week of stabilization just fine, but then blew it over the holiday weekend!

Granted, most of the stuff was 'allowable'...I tried Miracle Noodles (no calories, no carbs, no sugar, no starch) and I made low carb treats from the Healthy Indulgences site (gluten-free, sugar-free, but unfortunately not-calorie free!) as I experimented with making stuff with natural sugar substitutes besides stevia. Either of these would likely have been ok alone, but not only did I try them both in the same weekend, I then spent 10 hours cleaning my carpets and moving furniture (and was sore for the next two days) and I had one more glass of wine that I knew my body would allow (for the purposes of weight...I wasn't blotto or anything),which I also had too soon after dinner (I've discovered if I drink wine with food, it shows up on the scale. If I wait, it doesn't as long as I only have about 6-8 oz.-or about two 3 oz. glasses.)

So I threw all that in there in one weekend, and I was up over the two lb. mark. I knew that likely if I just took it easy yesterday, I would probably be fine, but I didn't want to take that chance. The Miracle Noodles are pure fiber that doesn't digest, but does absorb water. Sore muscles hold water to heal. The wine and sugar free treats did bump up my calorie count, but I suspected once all the water was out of my system, I'd be somewhere close to where I should be. Like I said though, if I was wrong, my window was gone, so I didn't want to risk it.

I did the steak day yesterday and was down 2.8 today.

For breakfast, we had a 3-cheese asparagus omelet (I had about one egg, Dave had two) and 1 cup of strawberries (I had chocolate stevia with mine, Dave had none). For lunch we are planning a picnic, and I will have tuna and a tomato/cuke salad. I don't know what Dave will have; maybe the same, maybe something more substantial. We'll take some macs with us when we go out gallivanting in case we hike or something and need a little extra protein. If Chelsea goes with us, she'll probably have something grain based, and that will make me sad.

For dinner, I'm planning a chicken/Gorgonzola salad with apple slices (or pear?) and a few pecans. I know with that plan, and the amount of studying I'll be doing and the phsycial exercise we'll incorporate into the day, I should be on track. (Just FYI, the brain uses up to 500 calories worth of fuel to function, while my hike may burn 350 or so.)

During the week, as long as I plan ahead, I'll be too busy to get off track at all.

Surpirse!

2010-05-24T04:07:00.000-07:00

I thought that steak last night would do me in, all things considered. But I'm down .7 lb. this a.m.!

Yesterday, I had an apple, 2 slices of bacon and several cups of coffee with heavy cream for breakfast. I had a handful of nuts for a snack, and then a deviled egg later. All total I had 3 deviled eggs over the course of the day.

We ate dinner early, and that consisted of a big steak (I'd say a good 6 or 7 oz.) and roasted green beans with pine nuts, garlic cloves and balsamic vinegar.

I made 'fudge', a recipe I found that was similar to Choco-delite but with almond butter in place of most of the coconut oil. [Note: I'll try this again with less almond butter and more coconut oil, because while it was ok, it was very, very sticky and too...almond-y.] I had several nibbles at various stages to see how it was turning out.

It was so nice, we hung out on the patio far too late and I enjoyed 3 3 oz. glasses of wine. Three. Along with the steak, I was figuring that alone would make today a steak day, but then add in lack of sleep from the late bedtime, and the obnoxious little bird that merrily decided 3 am was a great time to begin a 2-hour LOUD song fest and yes, I will say again I was pleasantly surprised to have a large loss instead of a gain.

Bless me Goddess for I have sinned...

2010-05-23T18:43:00.000-07:00

Eh. Whatever.
I gained .4, I lost .4, but for the first few days I stuck like glue. This weekend, I broke into the Merlot.

I did yoga and biked, so for the most part I think I'm ok. I made eggs in case I need to do an 'egg day' since Dave won't be able to cook me steak for a 'steak day'. I had steak today, in any case, and I don't like it enough to do it two days in a row. When I eat it other than during a 'steak day' where it is the ONLY thing I eat, it makes me gain, so I anticipate at least a small gain tomorrow.

But other than today, I'm staying under my recommended calorie count (even with the wine) and no sugars or starches (ok, the blue cheese was pre-crumbled, but I got some more today that isn't) so I'm all good. I'm eating less dairy , more raw, and going easy on the bacon, unlike last time. I'm eating sort of a cross between 'primal' and 'paleo'. I'm not worrying about fat, just counting it and keeping it on the down-low a little bit...not avoiding it. I'm eating mostly tuna, eggs and chicken for my protein, with cheese in small amounts for flavor, like a seasoning instead of a primary protein. I am going easy on the nuts, but I am eating them on average once per day, early in the day. I'm eating a couple of veggies and fruits per day. I am drinking coffee (with cream) only in the a.m. and wine only in the p.m. just in the last two days. Otherwise, I'm drinking water or the stevia packets that are meant to be like Crystal packets for bottled water.

So, for now, I'm ok as far as stabilizing. Granted, it's only been 5 days, with 3 of those pretty much protocol days without hCG, but it's looking decent.

I'm aware, hardly fair

2010-05-20T05:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I have clients who get very discouraged because they aren't seeing typical results, or because they are doing the exact same thing as someone else they know on protocol (or are sticking to protocol even more rigidly!) and not getting similar results.

Last night, I was at an event. Events are hard on protocol, but my dh was being honored for some work in the community, so it was important to be there.

I ate before I left so I wouldn't be tempted to eat there. I didn't eat there, nor did I have any wine, though as you know if you've been following, I really, really wanted some!

He did really well. His strategical approach was different however. He did have a glass of wine, and he did eat, but he ate the steamed veggies (not ones on the list, but a decent choice non-the-less) and he ate the chicken...he just took the pastry off and scraped off the cream sauce. He ate no bread or rice. (BTW, he explained this to me, I was not monitoring him...I'm a mentor, I do not police my clients. The scale holds them accountable, not me-unless they choose to use me for that purpose.)

I'm curious to see how he did because I gained .2 today.

Giving up the ghost

2010-05-19T06:43:00.000-07:00

For the last two weeks I've been essentially the same. I've remained at a BMI of around 24, and I am just barely under the 130 mark. It's not where I wanted to be, but at the rate I'm going, there's no way I'll make my goal (5.1 lb. away still) in the next two weeks.

And I'm hungry. I know I had a zero loss today because I had to have some extra protein yesterday...twice. I was so hungry it hurt.

This is the lowest I've been, and have been able to stay, in the last 6 months, but I seem to get hung up right about here. Over the holidays, it was where everything stopped working. The last round, it's where I was stuck. Now again. Maybe it's not because I messed up the last two rounds...maybe it's just where I need to be and I should stop trying to force my body to be smaller. I'm comfortable here, and I'm actually at a place where people say, "You aren't going this AGAIN, are you?" It's not the goal I had in mind 18 months ago when I began on this path, but maybe it's where I am supposed to be and I should just accept it. I just wish I would have come to that conclusion before paying the big bucks!

So, no shot today. Today and tomorrow will be 500 calorie days. I'm taking my stabilization and maintenance very seriously. Last time I got a little lazy. The last two times, actually. I added stuff too soon once, and frankly I just think nothing worked right last time, so the 'locking in' part didn't either. This time, everything worked like it was supposed to (including my body, I'm trusting) so I think it will be easier. I just have to be patient...that will be the hard part! :-)

I'm still standing

2010-05-17T04:21:00.000-07:00

The hunger passed for the most part, so I kept going. I'm up .2 lb. this a.m. but that could just be the difference in weighing earlier. I told myself I'd keep going as long as I didn't gain, but I don't think it's a gain because I feel smaller. I'll know more when I try on clothes for work.

I debate every day whether I want to keep going. I'm 5.7 lb. away from goal, and I have up to 2 more weeks to go. As Dave reminded me, I started this on my b-day, so 6 weeks is the end of May. It makes sense to continue to the end of the week since I already have my hCG, and I won't be working so hard, so perhaps I won't be so hungry and my body not so sore.

So, I keep going...for now.

I am so ready to end this!

2010-05-13T05:58:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I'll make my goal. I may be about as far as I'm going to go.

Today was a .4 lb. release. I tell my clients to look at the big picture when they get this far into it and have stalls or small losses, and I'm telling myself that 2 days in a row of .4 lb. equals .8 lb., which is almost a pound and will equal almost 3 lb. in a week. That would be almost 6 lb. in two weeks, and that would be almost my goal.

But I went to bed early last night because I was hungry. I woke up hungry and had a handful of South Beach approved nuts because it was only 7:30 am and I knew I'd never make it to lunch, even if I had an apple. I was up and down a ladder yesterday, mudding some drywall on a ceiling, which made my right arm weak, so I know that plays into it. I'm sore today. But if I'm going to be hungry and this is going to take willpower, I don't know if I want that last few pounds bad enough!

The carpet guys are here, and after that I'll be busy getting my basement back together, and then cleaning, plus school and work; maybe I won't notice hunger so much? We'll see.

I'll take it

2010-05-12T04:21:00.000-07:00

Down .4 lb. today. This is not enough to mitigate the upward turn of yesterday's .7 gain, but at least it's going in the right direction. I'm still in the 'normal' range, but just by the skin of my teeth.

My only 'goal' at this point is to be at 129 by Monday. That's only 2 lb., so I should be able to do that in 6 days. I better or I quit! I'd really like to make my ultimate goal of 124 before I quit for good and for real. Everything is working like it should, so I don't know why I couldn't expect that, but this is always a journey of acceptance of what my body wants, not always what I want.

Seriously?

2010-05-11T05:36:00.000-07:00

I am up .7 of a lb. and that's horseshit!

I refuse to do an apple day. Even though I'm not impressed with the last week's total, I feel something here isn't right, and I' going to ride it out. IF I went the rest of the week with stalls or gains I might consider drastic measures. As it is, so far I'm just annoyed.

I actually woke up and FELT bigger today, so the gain was no surprise when I stepped on. However, I just can't see where it would have come from, other than that Coco-delight I had. It's not been a problem before, but perhaps it was this time. I took the risk, this may be the price.

So, today, I'm doing 1/2 hour of the infrared sauna, I'm going back to cabbage (I was out for a couple of days, thus eating cukes and salad, alternately) and strawberries or grapefruit (I was out so was eating just apples).

Mentally, I'm nearing the end. I'll try a few things to see if my body is getting there too.

Down another pound!

2010-05-10T06:40:00.000-07:00

So, it's not much for two days worth of releasing, but it's something and again, going in the right direction. My Wii says 6.6 or 6.8 lb. away from goal...I can't recall exactly. Anyway, it was a little bit closer. I got my B12 today, so if things continue as they have, that will boost me a little.

I am fitting into some smaller pants today. I was thinking this weekend, I don't know how much difference another6 lb. will make. Will I really feel that much smaller? Is it really worth two more weeks of the same boring foods? I mean, it is because I'm goal oriented, but how much difference will it make? Funny how in any other program, or at other points in my life--even when I first started this program--every ounce counted. Now, it's not as big of a concern for me just because I can't imagine it will make much of a difference.

But it must. I mean, I think these pants are a 6 and last week the 8s fit well. Stuff is getting too big (or rather I'm getting small!) but as far as how I feel it's pretty much the same. Of course, in another 6 lb. or more, that may change. Shrinking out of something always makes it more real than the numbers on the scale.

My basement will be done by the end of the week and I'll be able to do Wii and yoga again. I miss it! And it's been too cold and crappy to walk. I'm looking forward to moving my body!

Skip Day

2010-05-09T07:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a .2 gain, and today is a no weigh day as I got up so late that I missed the window of opportunity.

I wasn't too worried about a .2 int he wrong direction, only because I was still below the 'normal' line. :-) That, and I have stuck to protocol strictly, and knowing it works if you work it, I'm not concerned. I'm just now moving into week 4, with 2 more to go, and I've not felt the need for macs or anything! I stuck strictly until last night when I had a piece of chocolate delight. It wasn't even because I needed it really, it was because I licked the spoon when I made it for my honey and it tasted good, so I had a piece when it was done. It's not impacted me in a negative way before, so I'm not worried about that either. I'm not making a habit of it. It was a conscious choice knowing there might be consequences, but most other times, one piece didn't even show up, or even seemed to precipitate a bigger release.

I'm confident I can make my goal in two weeks, but I am looking forward to stabilization, I must say. There are things I'm starting to miss. I wouldn't call it hard, but there are more and more moments as I go along. I'm hoping those last 8 lb. or so are worth it, but who knows? I can't imagine I'll feel much smaller, and I'm not sure what size I'll be into at that point. I feel really good right now, but I'm still going a.) because I paid for it and b.) to see if I can.

Still normal!

2010-05-07T05:52:00.000-07:00

Last time I was in this range, it was only for a day. I think it only happened a couple of times, and both times it was short-lived. This time, I'm still going in the right direction at least! I'm 7.5 lb. away from my goal!

When I first started almost a year-and-a-half ago, I hoped I'd reach 124, or a size 5. This is where I had spent much of high school and my early 20s and was quite comfortable there...if I had been listening to myself instead of the reject doctor who told me I needed to lose 10 lb. (actually that was when I was 112-116), or a couple of guys who were 'just trying to be honest' to told me my butt was big, or the family member who patrolled my every bite and told me how fat I was going to be if I ate this or ate that.

But in pictures, I see myself as where I should have been all along. I see my sense of style was my own. I didn't have a self-loathing yet. In fact I was obnoxiously confident...except about my weight when those comments made me question my own perceptions and feel a little crazy at the cognitive dissonance.

Anyway, starting this journey, I would have been happy with a size 10-12 at somewhere around 145. I wasn't sure a 50 lb. drop was within reach, much less nearly double that. Last time I was 132 was the year after high school when I had my engagement picture taken (I then spent the next year getting down to 102, and when right back up to about 124-6 for a few years) and I didn't look like I do now. I looked heavier. Or maybe it's all relative?

Now I'm within reach of that goal. I'm at NORMAL on the Wii! Why that makes me happy I cannot say. I used to have a bumper sticker that said, "Why be normal?" which was sort of my philosophy of life. Ironic.

I won't weigh again for a couple of days as my Wii is still in my living room as my basement is tore up, but it looks like some lovely men are going to be working to fix that this weekend!! Between their efforts and the carpet guys, who should call any time now and be able to get that carpet in within a couple of days, I will be starting to move stuff back where it belongs. Yay! In any case, I should be able to weigh in Monday morning at least, and it should remain where it is. I may even be a couple of pounds closer to my goal!!!

This is a good thing, because last night was rough. First of all, I got out of class early. Sometimes that is occasion to kick my feet up with a glass of wine. Wanted to. Couldn't.

Then I walk in the house and my dau had been cooking food. To be fair, even though I've asked her not to cook late at night, she didn't expect me home for another couple of hours. Still, within minutes, my stomach hurt and I was fighting the urge to eat something...anything. So, I went to bed. It was the only solution I could think of that would keep me from me from messing up the day's victory. It worked. As far as I know I didn't get up in my sleep and raid the kitchen.

Tiara day!

2010-05-06T05:21:00.000-07:00

Whoop, whoop!

I hit 'normal' again today! I am at a 24.something BMI and 132 lb., I think. I know I am 7.7 lb. away from my goal!

This round is working like it should, perhaps better with the addition of the B12MIC, the mesotheapy and the infrared sauna so unlike last time, this stop on 'normal' is on the way down and I don't fear I'll lose it. The grasp may bump up a little (though I hope not) but I have no doubt I can reach my goal in the next two weeks. I won't have to do a full 6-week round! If I do choose to do so, I may even reach the Wii's goal for me, if it's healthy for me to do so. I know my body won't let me go there if it's not.

What I noticed today...

2010-05-04T07:38:00.000-07:00

This morning I was down 1.1? 1.6? Something like that. The longer I do this, the less important the increments are. As long as I'm feeling good (I am), and moving down (I am...even with the fits and starts) it is the final goal what is important to me now. That 'normal' line is getting closer again, and that is still my goal, so as long as keep rockin' toward that, I'm fine. Sure, I'd love to get comfortably into that zone in the next week or two, but if it takes me double that, like I said, if I feel good and can make progress, I'm all about it.

So, what I noticed today was how much I look like my mother. I don't know if it's what I'm wearing, or the weight I'm at, or what my hair is doing today, but I've had several moments where I passed a mirror and was struck by how much we look a like. There are no additional insights :-) just that it is a fact.

Turn around! You're going the wrong way!

2010-05-02T06:01:00.000-07:00

You have to say that with an Aussie accent. It used to crack my husband up when my Tom Tom would tell us to correct ourselves with statement when we made a wrong turn.

So anyway, up .2 lb. today and that is certainly the wrong way.

Sore, sore, sore, sore, sore today. I slept like a rock last night I was so tired, but my body is hurting a good bit.

Yesterday, I was rushing around so much I never did get around to eating my veggie, which meant I was hungry mid-afternoon. I had set out nuts and fruit for my pregnant ladies, and decided that knowing how my body reacts to the smallest amounts of sugar, a few nuts would be my best corrective action (as opposed to adding a fruit in place of the lost veggie). Then later, because I also didn't get a chance to go shopping and had fed my organic apples to the guests, I had a pear with my dinner. I figured it was close to an apple and I had it in the fridge. It must have been there awhile because I'm the only one who likes pears in this house.

Anyway, it would seem I was wrong on both counts and paid with a .2 gain...after a zero day. Wrong way!

But, I'm not starving, so I've not hit immunity. My only course of action is to keep on keepin' on. 3 or 4 zeros and I'd have to worry, but knowing how weird this week has been (and the next week or two may be, with the carpet people coming, new classes starting, people helping with basement finishing and my SIL here. I'm excited about all of it! It just drives me a little batty to have my house is such disarray. AND I never got a chance to clean my carpet, which now may not happen until all of the work is done and stuff is re-organized. So shoot, it could be a month of relative chaos and frequent heavy lifting and or/stairs, all on 500 calories. I hope the rest of the round doesn't mirror this weekend!

Oh! Today is my first 'skip day'. I thought about it last Sunday (just because I can be such a space case, I wanted my skip day to be on Sunday so I'd be more likely to remember it) but I hadn't been taking hCG for quite a week. So, eating my 500 calories of the same selections, but no shot today.

Every. Muscle. Hurts.

2010-05-01T05:49:00.000-07:00

Here is the reason to avoid strenuous exercise during protocol: it appears to be a zero day.

Yesterday, I had to get some plastering and painting done because the carpet will be here next week and I'll have no other opportunity. So, I worked in the basement all day (and it was GORGEOUS out, but that resentment is another story) getting this stuff done. I ate strictly protocol, even though I really wanted to congratulate myself on a job well done by kicking my feet up with some chocolate and a glass of wine. And today is a zero day.

Now, form experience, I know that because my body is SO sore, I am retaining water, to mend the muscles I used that I didn't know I had. That LOOKS like a no release day (or sometimes a gain day...so I'm good with a zero) but in reality, when the water is gone, there will be a big drop. At least there better be!

Otherwise, it looks as if there may be a new pattern here...a couple of days of decent drops, and then a zero day. We'll just have to see if it continues.

Today, I'll be teaching for 6-7 hours, so really sitting for the most part. I have a small patch of painting to do, and if I can find the stain, a little on the stairs. Then we will be hauling stuff out of the basement and trying to find a place to put it for a few days, and THEN we'll be ready for carpet.

It really stresses me out to have my house in such disarray. Plus, my dau figures she's going to be moving out soon, so we have some furniture that we are essentially just storing until she goes, thus we are moving stuff that is just going to be moved again in a few weeks. I will feel so much better when it's done, my carpet has been cleaned (not the new, the old) and everything is in its place!

What an absolutely beautiful day!

2010-04-30T06:57:00.001-07:00

I didn't have to get up before dawn, I'm on the patio soaking up the sun with a cup of java...life is good.

Last night was not so good. I was so hungry it was painful, but I know why. I had to stay up late to finish a 4 page take-home essay quiz, and I didn't 'secure my environment'. My daughter came home from school and started baking yummy smelling stuff and then eating it just few feet away. I thought I could handle it, but my stomach was growling so loud it would have been comical if it weren't so painful. I wanted what she was having. I wanted a glass of wine. I wanted cookies, or chocolate. I had a handful of macadamia nuts and I'm only down .7 lb. today. I know it would have been more without the nuts, but I also know had I started in on any of the things I actually wanted (all of which were in the house) I likely wouldn't have stopped and I'd be UP 3 lb. today. I just could not give myself permission to do that. There was nothing I could say to myself to make that ok.

So where that leaves me today is back in the ten-point-something range of my goal weight. I'm still not down to the lowest I had been last time, but within my comfort range. I'm confident I can reach my goal in the 3-4 weeks I have left in this round. The only variable I'm concerned about is that today I'll be in the basement (that just kills me since it BEAUTIFUL today) with plaster and paint, up and down stairs and ladders about a billion times. I don't know how that will play out on 500 calories. I know I can stick to the program without issue because I'll be covered in paint, thus only eating when I'm not. Tomorrow, with my classes, I'll only be able to eat before and after, so again, no problem with sticking to it. I tend to not even be hungry when I'm teaching just because I'm doing my favorite thing...talking about birth!

So, it will be interesting the next couple of days.

Zero days get me down

2010-04-29T05:48:00.001-07:00

I wasn't on yesterday because I had one of those zero days...and because I was crazy busy.
A zero so early in the program was not something I wanted to see, but whataugonnado?

Today, down 1.5 lb. That's better.

Last night was a beautiful night, and I finished another class. I really wanted a glass of wine. Last time I think I complained about that every night. This time, not so much.

Dave thinks because I was exercising so much before this that my results would be more impressive, and he's right I'm sure. I haven't had time! I'm squeezing a full term class into two weeks! (Or I was.) Fortunately, work is just busy enough that it wasn't driving me over the edge, but I will say the state of the basement is causing me anxiety.

I'm very happy that it's getting done much quicker than we intended. I know there is a reason for everything, and things feel into place for reasons we just cannot currently see. But I hate that currently it's a mess and it will be until the carpet is in, which could be a couple of weeks, AND somehow now I have to find time to blend in the plaster texture, prime it and match the paint to the previous work...all within the next two weeks, and all while I start two new classes and work. I'd be putting my guest to work, except it's not anything that even Dave can do...I did the original work. I'm the only one that's going to get it the same.

Oh well...it all works out the way it's supposed to. Sorry about the dust and fumes, sis (the house guest that may get put to work). ;-)

Briefly...

2010-04-27T05:09:00.000-07:00

Down .9 lb. today, which is nothing to complain about, but it it still will take me all week to get down to the absolute lowest I was before at this rate.

The good thing is that it is happening like it is supposed to, and I feel like it's coming off differently. I can't explain it except that I feel smaller than I did at this weight before. One of my favorite skirts...which never was too big even at my lowest...is loose today.

Last night I didn't get to eat my veggie. I had my fruit and melba before my presentation, didn't get home until 8:30, but knew I had to at least have my protein. I did, but didn't really want it. I wasn't hungry at all. And I didn't want to eat that late. I'll try to do better today.

I hope the very least this blog shows that there is no perfection in living life on protocol. It's a precise program. It's unforgiving in a lot of respects, but we do the best we can as we fit it into our lives.

Well that was depressing

2010-04-26T03:56:00.000-07:00

Even though I feel like I am close to my smallest weight throughout this process, my Wii says I've lost 1.1 lb. in the 8 days since I've last weighed, with not quite a week of protocol under my belt.

Now, rationally, I can look at this and say I was up almost 5 lb. over that two month (plus) period when I struggled to stabilize. At some point after the 6 week mark I gave up trying. But I know that last weigh in scared me enough to risk jumping back in now (and spending a lot of money to do it) instead of waiting until August. Being able to feel that it was more difficult to go up the stairs and not fitting into clothes in a way that felt right panicked me a little

So the weekend before my birthday, I didn't weigh. That weekend we partied, eating and drinking indiscriminately, then I loaded. Knowing that I likely released around 10 lb. this week, that would mean between those two things I must have gained 10 lb. Well, maybe not quite because I did that adjustment of 2 lb. on the scale as well by choosing the +/-0 option instead of the +/-2 lb. option.

Anyway, it was depressing, no matter what my logical mind says.

So today, I have appointments all morning, and I have a presentation about the program tonight. I'm all set for that except for set up after the wellness center closes, so I think I'm going to hit the infrared sauna. In fact, I'm going to see where I can fit that in several times per week to maximize this effort. Between that, the B12 MIC and the Mesotherapy, I should be able to do better than ever before. By the end of this week, I should be below where I was last time, and on my way to my goal.

There has been no 'cheating'. Actually ever, in the year-plus-I've been off and on this-depending on how you define cheating. I have 'tweaked' in times of actual hunger, with items that are not strictly protocol, but are necessary to assuage a real need with blood sugar, substituting what I may crave with something less damaging. Like protocol chocolate for real chocolate with sugar, or 8-12 macs when I know there is no way I'll make it through a day without passing out because my work load, waking ours or stress level requires a few more calories.

For dinner, lettuce, chicken, grissini, grapefruit, in approved sized. For lunch, cabbage, chicken, grissini, grapefruit. Water, water, water, water all day. Regular coffee in the a.m., decaf in the p.m., with just stevia. Feeling good and sleeping well (except for last night...what is it about Sundays?). Hungry on occasion, but usually just before meals or at the end of really long days, and even then, not a gnawing hunger. Just annoying.

Later-

It's very weird to be in the position of telling people I'm doing another round and then have to justify it because they insist I shouldn't be doing that.

According to my BMI, I am overweight. Granted, I am much smaller than I was. But I am very short, and while I look and feel good, I have not reached my goal, and the strangeness of that last round made me hesitant to just try to get their the usual way. I don't know that I am close enough for my body to pick up the pace and hook into a pound a week release. It wasn't looking that way.

Anyway, I couldn't believe that I felt sort of defensive...like I had to explain to some stranger why I was trying to get smaller. That has never, ever happened that I remember.

Men in my basement

2010-04-25T06:33:00.000-07:00

I can't weigh to day as I planned as there are men in my basement putting up drywall. It's likely we will go look for some doors and carpet today and get this all done (except for trim) so we can put stuff back where it belongs (or rather find all the stuff that's been misplaced for a year!) at which time I can weigh. Well, I guess if I set the Wii up upstairs for the time being I can too, but not with strange men in the house, so maybe tomorrow.

Anyway, tomorrow I'll have a week under my belt, so I better be close to where I started or below! Frankly, I'm starting to feel 'normal sized' again, so I think I am. The daily weigh is usually so motivating...it's been weird going all week without it as part of my routine. However, as I said in my last post, the hunger has not been horrible, just present sometimes. I've actually felt the need to employ willpower!

I'm not sick of the foods yet. I do miss my wine, but I always do. It hasn't been awful or anything. I will say my replacement night beverage (deaf) has some drawbacks. First of all, I've just had about enough. Almost enough so that I'm willing to branch out into tea and experiments with water and stevia. Perhaps I'll make some homemade lemonade or something. Second, if I drink decaf too late at night, I'm up more than usual to pee. Frankly, I enjoy my sleep when I get the good stuff, and I don't much care for interruption!

So, anyway, I likely won't eat until after my hypnosis appointment, then I'll grab a bite and go pick out carpet and doors for the basement. The doors may be in today! Hopefully the carpet by the end of the week. The ceiling should be painted by then, so then I'll need to do some touch-up with the walls. I am very excited!

Oh, and I also have a 9-page paper to write and a presentation to prepare for, books to order for my upcoming classes and I still need to get to the HypnoBirthing(R) reports.

I guess I should stop messing around and get to work. It's going to be a busy day!

2010-04-23T06:46:00.000-07:00

So, this is a picture of my 44th birthday.

While I had gotten down to 132 at one point (and including the 2 lb. I gained from my 210 starting point, that makes 80 lb.) here I may be up around 138-140. I had gained a couple of lb. after I gave up on that wonky stabilization period, but was staying active so it wasn't too bad. Then I had a couple of busy weeks where I didn't get out as much as I wanted,didn't weigh, and then we had a bday party where I ate and drank what I wanted with full knowledge of the consequences. At this point, I know what makes me gain, and I take responsibility for making those decisions.

This was right before we went to Cheesecake Factory on my first actual 'loading' day.

Currently, I am on my 3rd Very Low Calorie Intake (VLCI) day, and I am still 'unloading' from my 'loading' days.

Last night we went for a 2.25 mile walk. My jeans fit snug and I didn't like it at all. When we came back, I had lettuce, chicken, strawberries and a melba. I was in bed by 10-ish.

Up this am at 7 am or so, I've had coffee with stevia and a small apple.

I'm not hungry like last time, but I do find I need to keep pounding the water and coffee to keep hunger at bay. Even so, it's not the feeling of complete starvation I felt last time. If I were weighing, the large releases would likely keep my at least psychologically satisfied. But I'm not going to weigh until my clothes feel right again, because I don't want to be depressed. Not knowing how much I was up before I started means I need to create a new set point here.

Industrialization and the Rise in Obesity

2010-04-22T06:08:00.001-07:00

Copyright Kim Wildner, 2010

May not be used, reprinted or distributed without written permission.

Industrialization and the Rise in Obesity

Obesity, diabetes, heart disease, cancer…these are the leading causes of death in humans in the 21st century. We live longer than ever before in history, but the question is do we live better? Some would argue, as does Davis in The human story: Our History from the Stone Age to Today that due to industrialization, indeed we do live better. Davis claims, “We live longer and are healthier and probably happier than those who went before us.” (Davis, pp. 247) Others, including myself, contend that while industrialization of our food supply does make our lives easier, it has also made us sicker, thus compromising our quality of life, often making the time gained through a longer lifespan more difficult and eminently more expensive through higher medical costs. Both views hold some truth, but if we are to maximize both quality of life and life expectancy, we need to look to history objectively, sorting out the wheat from the chaff, so to speak.

Archeology shows us that our ancestors lived difficult lives fraught with danger. In an ‘eat or be eaten’ world, accident or injury was likely. Without knowledge of how to treat infection and without blood replacement capability, death was the likely outcome. Without an understanding of the etiology of disease, and little control over consistency and quality of nutritional content, pathogens also likely had free reign. The absence of things that modern humans take for granted, for instance dental health or adequate shelter, could be fatal for earlier humans. As populations grew sanitation became more important. Little understood pestilence emerged as a significant factor in mortality with the bubonic plague. Life has a 100% mortality rate, but there are historically a multitude of reasons why we often died young.
Eventually we learned to keep animals and save seeds for subsequent planting so that we might harvest a dependable crop…or at least more dependable, more often. The importance of clean water became apparent. Antibiotics were discovered. All of these factors and more would have contributed to a longer lifespan. With our food supply more predictable and our exercise requirements met by the expenditure required to produce said food, our health improved.

The move to an agrarian existence introduced more grains into our diet and because they stored well they would have allowed us to survive in lean times. Yet all the while, a ‘bigger, better, faster’ mindset was driving us toward industrialization where grains would supplant more nutritious foods.

Today, the obesity epidemic has forced us to focus on getting people active and reducing consumption as a solution to the problem. But this is in diametric opposition to industrialization which tries to produce more with less. The grains that would have saved lives in an earlier time may now have become a danger to our health. (Brasco, J., n.d.)

Because industrialization has been so successful in the endeavor to grow more food more cheaply, and we have the capability to store as well as transport goods quickly, we now eat more of foods that our bodies simply do not process well. Everywhere we turn the message is that the obesity problem is a simple matter of calories in/calories out, often with little said about what we eat, other than an admonishment to not eat ‘junk.’ Currently, there is an emphasis on getting kids to eat healthier and become more active. Unfortunately, this advice is not only too little too late, it doesn’t address the very root of the problem: the industrialization of our food has compromised nutrition from before those children are even born. If we trace the biggest health concerns of our day back to their origin, we invariably come back to industrialization in a number of ways.

Beginning at the beginning, maternal nutrition during pregnancy sets the stage for baby’s eventual adult health. A mother who eats a highly processed diet may well predispose her baby to diabetes and obesity. (Martin-Gronert, M., Ozanne, S. (2006).
Following this, we have inferior industrialized infant nutrition. Mammals are meant to consume milk from their own species. Human babies thrive on human milk. Adequate substitutes for mother’s milk were an important invention, no doubt allowing orphaned infants to survive in the absence of another lactating mother to provide the services of a wet nurse. However, industrialization of infant formula allowed widespread use so that formula replaced mother’s milk. Only 43% of babies are breastfeeding at 6 months (CDC, 2010) and only 23% at one year, even though the World Health Organization advises all infants be breastfed for two years and the American Academy of Pediatrics advising exclusively breastfeeding for 6 months, then at least one year or “as mutually desired”. (Merrill, K., 2001)

The result of substituting a perfect food with nutritional content specific to the child for which it was made (including antibodies protective against pathogens in that infant’s environment) with an inferior imposter is that children are sicker. Up to 900 U.S. children each year die from formula (Tanner, 2010)…not because of contamination (which happens) nor lack of access to clean water, as untold numbers of babies do in underdeveloped countries throughout the world. They die from illnesses that are a direct result of the contents of artificial milks.
For instance, the American Academy of Pediatrics advises against the use of cow’s milk until babies are older than one year of age. Not only is cow’s milk inadequate to a baby’s needs, it is made by a mother cow for a baby cow…born with 4 stomachs, weighing roughly 100 lb. at birth. Cow’s milk is actually the NUMBER ONE allergen in children, (More, 2007) and yet it is used in the top selling formulas.
Soy is used as an alternative to cow’s milk, even though a study at Cornell University, found

“…children who were fed soy-based formula had nearly three times the risk of developing autoimmune thyroid disease or other thyroid problems than their own siblings or other children not fed soy-based formula. Some experts believe that long-term exposure of soy formulas in infancy that lead to elevated TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) levels will increase the risk of thyroid cancer in adulthood.”
“Research has also indicated that children who are fed soy-based formulas in infancy will be more likely to develop an allergy to soy products later in adulthood. There is also evidence that the consumption of soy-based formula is linked to early onset of puberty and possible links to infantile leukemia.” (Lane, 2008)

What else is in infant formula? Besides factory-made vitamins and minerals, corn syrup and sugar are usually listed right after the main ingredient of water. (Truth in Labeling Campaign, 2004) This is just stuff to make it taste good, right? Can companies be faulted with trying to make a product that tastes good? I would have to say if it causes harm to babies, yes.

Then there are the unintended ingredients specific to industrial production practices, such as melamine, a contaminant that sickened thousands of babies in China, killing three. In the production of formula, melamine contamination is almost unavoidable because the machines that produce the formula are cleaned with it. Thus The FDA allows trace amounts because, "We think it's safe," Dr. Rauch says. "But the bottom line is that we don't really know, and zero would be best." (CBS News, 2008)
We THINK it’s safe? These are our babies!

From manufactured formula, most children in the U.S. move on to manufactured ‘baby food’, as if babies need an entirely different category of food. Before industrialization, parents just mashed up or chopped up the food they themselves were eating and shared with their babies. Now it comes pre-mashed and pre-chopped, but at a price, literally. A bag of frozen vegetables might cost $3.99 or less per 1 lb. bag. One jar of ‘baby food’ costs about $1.62, or about twice as much at 50 cents per ounce. The price difference doesn’t even consider the nutritional difference in the products. The pureed products have added fillers, salt and sugars. Looking at labels reveals that often it is wheat, soy and corn products that are used for these purposes. Again, these are in the list of top ten allergens. Also, occasionally we encounter contaminants due to the industrialization process, but it is the intentional ingredients and inferior quality of the product that are a bigger concern. Might it be that the reason so many people are allergic to soy, wheat and corn is that humans were not designed to consume them in any significant amount?
By the time children are going off to school, we are seeing the effects of industrialized junk food on their little bodies, but the error is to focus only on the foods they are consuming at that point. This may be the point at which we recognize the manifestation of obesity and what is called type 2 diabetes (instead of ‘adult onset diabetes, because we now see it in younger and younger children), but by this time advising parents to feed their children more wholesome foods and get them moving ignores that damage has already been done. Not that it’s ever too late to mitigate the damage, but prevention is obviously preferable.

The impetus behind the industrial revolution…cheaper, faster production…is a fine goal, providing the product is also better. ‘Better’ might be seen as a subjective term, but when it comes to our food, if the final product is nutritionally inferior to that which we are designed to consume, or actually damaging to our bodies, one would be hard pressed to find a way to justify using the term ‘better’ as a descriptor. As Joel Salatin comments in Food, Inc. (2008), “Everything we’ve done in modern industrial agriculture is to make it faster, fatter, bigger, cheaper. Nobody’s thinking about e-coli and type II diabetes and the ecological health of the whole system.” The emphasis is on the ‘cheaper’ and the ‘faster’ part. Again, according to Food, Inc., we end up with what, “…looks like a tomato [but] is actually a kind of ‘notional’ tomato…the idea of a tomato.”

Without integrity, transparency and accountability in our food processing, we end up with ‘food’ that looks like real food, but doesn’t act like real food. This is leading us into an epidemic of ‘metabolic syndrome’, which is the term that encompasses those leading causes of death mentioned earlier. With only a handful of corporations providing us with our food, there exists a David and Goliath situation that seems hopeless. However, there is much we can do.

On a personal level, I know that a program developed by Dr. A.T.W. Simeons in the 1950s can allay the symptoms of metabolic syndrome and restore balance to the body. Using this protocol, I dropped 80 lb. that had refused to budge for 20 years.
Once excess weight is gone and toxins are cleared from the system, the body seeks homeostasis, or balance. By supporting the body with that which is in line with our genetic predisposition, we can reclaim our health. To do this, we need to rethink everything we know that isn’t so about food.

We need to go back to the beginning once again, but this time way, way back. We go back to those ancestors that died young due to accident or illness…but not due to obesity. Mark Sisson provides a fictional biography for this ancestor in his book, The Primal Blueprint. His name is Grok. He is a hunter/gatherer. His physiology is designed for survival or we, his descendants, wouldn’t be here. He eats nuts, seeds, fruits, vegetables, roots when he can find them and meat when he can get it. He’s physically active, but he mostly walks, with some climbing, hauling and an occasional sprint if he’s being chased or is doing some chasing.

Sisson contends that it is the insulin response to our industrialized food, particularly the dominance of grains that, leads to our health issues. It’s not likely that anything that would elicit a heavy insulin response would be part of Grok’s life because of the energy investment that would be required to procure them, and then produce something edible from them…an investment all but eliminated with industrialization.

So, we move ahead a few thousand years from Grok’s time…to the industrial revolution. We move right past the advent of farming because it must be stated that becoming an agrarian society did not result in our current health crisis. As we learned to cultivate grains, there was still a lot of effort to grow and use them. Grains were easier to preserve than fresh foods and more consistent than wild game as a source of sustenance during the winter months, for instance. Keeping and breeding animals allowed for more stability for our protein sources, including eggs, milk products and meat. These factors began to help us become healthier, bigger, and more likely to survive. (Dougherty, 1998)

It wasn’t until industrialization, including widespread distribution capability, the scales started to tip (once again in a literal sense). Commodity crops…those that stored well and shipped easily like corn…became the foundation of the U.S. economy. Now, because of large multinational corporate interests, farmers are paid to over-produce corn. As stated in Food, Inc., most processed food consists of, “clever rearrangements of corn” because, “We produced a lot of corn, and they came up with uses for it.” The same situation exists with soy.

One problem with that is that a handful of companies own almost all of the corn and soy, and they are quietly replacing virtually all natural varieties with genetically modified versions. At this point in history, we have no idea what the long-term ramifications of that might be.

Thus, many doctors, Dr. Mercola (www.mercola.com) advise people to avoid ‘white’ (i.e. processed) foods like flour and sugar if they want to lose weight. Sisson goes a step further and puts forth a pretty good argument that even whole grains are not appropriate for our ‘primal blueprint’. In essence, he says that our food pyramid is based not on biology, but politics and wrong thinking and should be turned upside down. With the convergence of many works now exposing the dangers of the industrialization of our food, his work actually dovetails quite nicely.

While researching this work, I was asked if the industrialization of our food was a good thing, or a bad thing. I responded just as I have here: that it has led to horrible health consequences. At that time, it was argued that to say so ignored personal responsibility, but it absolutely does not. Yes, people can choose to eat unhealthy food. We are hardwired to desire fatty and sweet foods for our survival (Halliday, 2008) and the food industry is well aware of that. Are people really making informed decisions? Or are they manipulated by the industries that profit from keeping them ignorant? I would suggest the intentional use of our own biology against us for the profit requires accountability of those profiting.

We have seen that human beings can take a good idea and remove all common sense from the application of said idea. The discovery of antibiotics was good…over-use of antibiotics has led to the deadly consequence of antibiotic resistant bacteria like MRSA. The invention of the computer was good…the fact that computers can be used as a tool for malice is human nature. Yet we do not ignore that these are consequences of these abuses of technological advances. We do not just allow the abuses to become the norm. We educate people and we regulate the industries to the best of our ability. To say that the industries that create toxins that destroy our bodies have no culpability because they are just making products that people want is an argument that didn’t work for the tobacco industry, and it shouldn’t work for the food industry. The food industry uses very deceptive practices to hide what they don’t want us to know, although documentaries like The Future of Food are reaching people with the facts, thanks to the ubiquitous nature of the internet.

Making a profit is why businesspersons go into business, but should it be the bottom line when an epidemic of health consequences…obesity, diabetes and heart disease…are the result? Should they be allowed to make a dangerous product, not label it as such, and sell it to children through aggressive marketing so that by the time they possess the critical thinking skills (perhaps) to make a different decision, they are incapable of physically doing so because their bodies are already broken?
This is where I believe that industrial food production branches off from other industrialize manufacturing. Profit must not trump the health of our children…our future. If we are going to make it faster and cheaper, we must also demand it be made better.

Resources
Brasco, J., (n.d.) Low grain and carbohydrate diets treat hypoglycemia, heart disease, diabetes,
cancer and nearly ALL chronic illness. www.mercola.com
CBS News, (2008). Contaminated Baby Formula Fears Hit U.S.: The FDA Says Baby Formula
Contains A Deadly Chemical, But Swears The Amounts Are Safe. CBS Evening News. Retrieved from http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/11/30/eveningnews/main4639081.shtml
CDC, (2010) Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: Breastfeeding FAQs.
http://www.cdc.gov/breastfeeding/faq/index.htm
Davis, J., (2004). The human story: Our History from the stone age to today. Harper Perennial.
Dougherty, M. (1998). Why are we getting taller as a species? Scientific American. Retrieved
from http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=why-are-we-getting-taller
Food, Inc., (2008). Retrieved from http://www.foodincmovie.com/
Halliday, J., (2008). Taste is a matter of survival, not just pleasure. Food Navigator. Retrieved
from http://www.foodnavigator.com/Science-Nutrition/Taste-is-a-matter-of-survival-not-just-pleasure
Lane, B., (2008). Should You Stay Away from Soy? The Dangers of Soy's Hormonal Effect on
Adults and Children. Retrieved from Suite101.com http://pregnancychildbirth.suite101.com/article.cfm/should_you_stay_away_from_soy
Martin-Gronert, M., Ozanne, S. (2006). Maternal nutrition during pregnancy and health of the
offspring. Biochemical Society Transactions, Volume 34, part 5. Pp. 779-782 http://www.biochemsoctrans.org/bst/034/0779/0340779.pdf
Merrill, K., (2001). Breastfeeding: How long is best? . Nutrition Bytes, 7(1). Retrieved from:
http://escholarship.org/uc/item/2fz0c2bp
More, D., (2007). Top 7 food allergies in children. About.com guide. Retrieved from http://allergies.about.com/od/foodallergies/tp/topfoodallergyc.htm
Tanner, L., (2010). Breast-feeding could save lives, money: Cost-analysis study shows profound
health benefits. Associated Press, retrieved from http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/36175184
Truth in Labeling Campaign, (2004). Infant formula: The Canadian study. Retrieved from
http://www.truthinlabeling.org/formulacopy.html
Sisson, M., (2009). The Primal Blueprint. Primal Nutrition, Inc.

New (and LAST) round!

2010-04-22T05:19:00.000-07:00

I know, I know...the last one was supposed to be the last one. But it was all messed up. I was going to wait until like July or August to re-do it, but because it was so weird, the stabilization was weird too, and I decided not to wait.

Actually, to say I decided isn't actually accurate. Before, calculations for many things went into when I'd start: how the round would fit into my cycle, what events might be coming up, how long ago the last round was. This time, I thought, 'It would make my SILs round easier during her visit if I were on protocol too' and that was about as far as planning went. I was able to get my blood draw that day and a physical scheduled right away, so I did. I didn't know if I'd be able to fit it into the budget (yes, I am paying for my own program, minus the cost of the support materials I created and my own mentoring)or anything, I just jumped. It felt right.

So, I started loading on Monday. I had a piece of garlic toast for breakfast and took and apple to work. There is obviously no fat in the apple, and loading is about loading up on fat, but it was fast and I had nothing in the house that was really 'load worthy'.

I never did have an opportunity to eat the apple anyway, so it was a moot point.

I got out of work around 1 pm and was starving, so I stopped and picked up a Big Mac meal with a chocolate shake. After not having this in forever, I must say, there are odd tastes in these foods I have never noticed before. Anyway, I tossed some of the shake, but I ate the rest. I felt like I might die for hours afterward. In fact, I took a nap.

It was my birthday, so we had plans to go to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner, and we did, but I felt like a cow already. I ordered a pasta dish with a garlic cream sauce. I ate about 1/3 of it, and 1/2 a piece of carrot cake/cheesecake, had a glass of wine and some bread...again, having never fully recovered from 'lunch' that was the best I could do.

The next day, I had 3 pieces of bacon for breakfast, later the 2/3 of the pasta left over from dinner the night before, and the rest of the cheesecake. I had 3 pieces of Little Caesar's pepperoni pizza for dinner, and 3 pieces of Crazy bread over the course of the rest of the evening.

I had to stop loading with that. I felt so bloated and uncomfortable. I had gained a couple of pounds over stabilization, I had already eaten poorly and drank to much over my birthday weekend as we had people over, and the loading was just too much. I still fit into my clothes, but they felt different and I didn't like it.

I did not weigh myself. I was afraid to do so.

Yesterday, I started my Very Low Calorie Intake (VLCI) and had an apple in the morning, with lettuce, 100g chicken and 1 melba for lunch. For dinner, I had steamed cabbage, 100g chicken, 5 strawberries and a melba. I drank coffee with just stevia in the morning, and decaf with the same in the afternoon.

I wasn't all that hungry until the end of the day when I was closing in on an 18 hour day. It was late, I was tired, and yes, I was hungry. I knew I couldn't eat though, not only because I'd consumed my 500 calories already, but because even if I hadn't I wouldn't eat that late. It always shows up the next morning if I eat after about 7 pm.

I slept like a rock except for the stupid f*cking cat yowling and waking me up because her person (my kid) was ignoring her insistent bid for attention.

It is now about 7:40 am. I am having coffee. I'll eat right before I go to work as I have a few afternoon appointments. Until then, I'll be getting some school work done and some reports filed for HypnoBirthing(R)...at least that's the plan.

My SIL will be visiting in about 2 weeks, and in that time I should be (if the planets align and this all goes as planned) below the lowest weight I had been at yet throughout this whole year. I don't know that I will do a full round. It depends on how well it goes. Even with the weight I fear I gained, I wouldn't need to lose more than 20 lb., which should come off in less than 43 days.

I will weigh probably on Sunday, my 'skip day', when I will continue to eat the same 500 VLCI options, but will not take the hCG. By then I should be close to where I left off, accounting for the adjustment I will make on the scale: I've been weighing with the '+/- 2 lb.' option on Wii because when I started this over a year ago, my Wii was in my living room and I weighed in my jammies. It is now in the basement, and I weigh nekkid or with just undies, so I should be using the '+/- 0' option, but just hadn't changed it. That likewise is going to add about 2 lb., so I'm not going to do it while I'm at a higher weight.

Ultimately, I'm only going to count my release from my highest point (210), so it doesn't really matter, though I won't have an accurate number for this round. But I didn't have an accurate number to start it with anyway since I'd been lax on the whole scale thing for a couple of weeks. What I'll do here is just go with the last # the Wii recorded.

So, I'm off. I have tons to do and little time to do it.

My Wii is going to scold me!

2010-04-12T05:10:00.001-07:00

I don't think I got on the darn thing all weekend except to play a bit on Sat. when we had company!

However, I did get a 3 mile walk in Friday night and a 9 mile bike ride in on Sunday. I'm planning to ride to work today too, so another 9 miles round trip.

Saturday and Sunday both dinner was primarily organic and whole foods with no grains. I did have wine, which I'm sure was not organic, though I understand Frey is organic, so I'm going to scope out what is available next time I'm purchasing.

I also had sugar from two sources: one was the Jiff I used in my spicy peanut sauce (also the part that was not organic), the other was the honey in some honey-sesame candies I ate. That was natural and organic, but still sugar as far as the insulin response.

I did not finish my research paper. I now have at least (conservative estimate) 16 hours into it...6 hours of writing, citing and rewriting plus 10 hours of research, which includes seeking out and reading books, watching documentaries (with note taking) and Internet (looking for the science to back up my assertions). When it's done, it will have to be split into a 3 or 4 part series for publication in a magazine...it's just so long. I do plan to submit it thought, because the stuff I'm finding is just so important. Otherwise, it will be here on this blog and on the Fox Valley website (or the Real Weight Release Facebook page).

So, if I'm riding my bike to work, I better get rolling!

Progress

2010-04-08T14:21:00.000-07:00

I've been fluctuating in much wider arcs than before, but so far, so good. I'm weighing less often so it doesn't freak me out, confident that I'm doing good things.

I had been more active until this week, when it's been raining and I got ubber busy (er). I'm looking forward to some yoga tonight. I'm working on a research paper that's really taking up a lot of my time. The problem is that there is too much information!

Easter I made a crust-less quiche, roasted garlic green beans with balsamic vinegar and pine nuts followed by roasted pears with almond crunch topping.

Today I had egg salad (no bread) and a piece of farmer's cheese for lunch. I just had an apple and some macs. For dinner I'll have grilled chicken on a bed of organic baby spinach.

We've been buying about 3/4 of our groceries organic. We are moving into grass-fed beef. After watching Food, Inc., we are really making an effort to keep it local and organic (where possible) more than ever before. I look forward to the farmer's market opening!

So really, I've just been trying to keep up with life, but there have been no significant changes in anything. I've now had 3 mesotherapy treatments. I don't see a difference yet, but I understand it can it takes at least 3 to see anything, sometimes 6. The PA seemed to think I could expect 10-12 before I'd be done. We'll see.

correlation and causation

2010-04-01T20:48:00.000-07:00

It’s human nature to look for a cause and effect relationships. The problem is that correlation does not necessarily equal causation, meaning we may assume one thing has to do with another, when in reality there may be no connection at all.

Such is the case particularly when something new and different is in our environment. hCG for weight release is not ‘new,’ but it has gained wide-spread popularity and with the information ‘super highway’ of the internet, it is essentially ‘new’ to a whole population.

The problem with this is that there is a lot of speculation and assumption when people do not do their research, instead assuming that if there is something different in their lives, it must be due to the fact that they’ve started an hCG protocol. Of course, this is true if it means they are shrinking out of their clothes at an astounding pace, but here I speak of a multitude of other things.

For instance, because pregnant women produce hCG, and many pregnant women experience headaches, if a person has a headache after introducing hCG, they assume it is because of the hCG. This is an erroneous assumption, because known causes of headaches in pregnancy are: fluctuating estrogen levels, low blood sugar, poor posture, stress, dehydration, (and conversely a rapidly expanding blood volume), sometimes sinus issues or allergies, fatigue, and caffeine withdrawal.
[http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/headaches-during-pregnancy/AN01870 and http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancyhealth/headaches.html]

Now, allergies and caffeine withdrawal may also be something experienced during the hCG protocol, but it is not because of the hCG protocol…see the difference between correlation and causation? Another cause of headache in the first few days of protocol can be a detoxification response related to sugar and/or artificial sweeteners, which is essentially due to the protocol, but not due to the hCG.

Nausea is another topic that comes up, again because nausea is associated with pregnancy and hCG is present in pregnancy. hCG is implicated in pregnancy nausea because:

“This hormone rises rapidly during early pregnancy. No one knows how hCG contributes to nausea, but it's a prime suspect because the timing is right: Nausea tends to peak around the same time as levels of hCG. What's more, conditions in which women have higher levels of hCG, such as carrying multiples, are associated with higher rates of nausea and vomiting.” [http://www.babycenter.com/0_morning-sickness-causes-concerns-treatments_254.bc]

Please note that it is the amount of hCG that is associated with nausea. In pregnancy, hCG levels in women will peak at anywhere between 300,000 and 500,000 IU per day. Some sources say up to 1,000,000 IU! During protocol, the amount of hCG is usually around 125 IU per day for a limited time. That means about 4000 times more hCG is circulating in a pregnant woman, every time she’s pregnant! Since some women will be sick for one pregnancy, but not others, and approximately the same amount of hCG is being produced, thus it’s very likely that other factors are contributing. If nausea is experienced during Simeons protocol, it is much more probable that it’s due to the flu!

As people research hCG they will come across possible side effects listed for hCG, such as ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS). Keep in mind that these are, once again, for much the higher doses used in fertility treatments. Also, some may be tempted to make the leap that if those much higher doses could be implicated in OHSS, it might be possible that other reproductive issues could arise.

Again, if hCG were dangerous, every pregnancy would be high risk, which is simply not the case. The vast majority of pregnancies are uneventful…besides the blessed event of a new human being!

However, estrogen is stored in fat, and as women release fat, they are releasing estrogen. With hCG the fat is released, thus the increase in circulating estrogen is the probable culprit in things like changing cycles. Dr. Simeons observed that even estrogen dependent conditions, like fibroids…”seem to be in no way affected by HCG in the doses we use…” [Pounds and Inches: A New Approach to Obesity, Dr. Simeons]

There is a saying, “When you hear hooves behinds you, expect horses, not zebras.” The hCG protocol takes place over a 12 week period, although hCG is involved in only 6 weeks of that. In any event, in 3 months, a lot can happen. As weight is released, a lot can change, not just in our bodies, but in our self-perception. A pre-existing condition may even make itself known as we become smaller and more aware of our bodies. And isn’t that the best ‘side-effect’ of all if it allows us to address a problem we didn’t know we had?

Just stopping by...

2010-04-01T14:36:00.000-07:00

It's been another busy week. I've got a bit of time so I thought I'd check in.

I am mixing up my repertoire a bit. I've added more berries and fruit in combination with nuts, re: The Primal Blueprint. I've also started cooking some 'normal' meals. By this I mean things we like, but somewhat altered to avoid wheat and other processed grains, like quiche and pizza with the cauliflower crust. I've added some sweeter fruits and even continue with an occasional bowl of Irish oats.

I'm getting between 1400 and 1600 calories per day, and if I walk 3 miles or more, that seems to be fine. If not, I fluctuate more. I'm still .8 lb. away from my top amount, but I am not planning to do more steak days. I'd rather get a handle on this myself without resorting to them, and if I can't then I'll do another round and see what happens.

I also think that I'm going to try not to weigh every day. It's become such a habit that it may be hard to stop, but it seems that some pretty wide fluctuations, the ones leading me to do steak days, may be normal. If I just monitor every other day, or every two days, I think I can still stay on top without getting discouraged. The hard part will be stopping! I never would have believed that a year and a half ago.

So that's it. I'm just feeling my way, trying to find a 'new normal'. After the mesotherapy I'll see where I stand.

Blah, blah, blah

2010-03-29T05:13:00.001-07:00

My six weeks of stabilization and maintenance are up, it's silly to keep counting days.

I went up over my limit again and did a steak day yesterday. The day that put me over was a day when we went grocery shopping and were able to find a bunch of organic food. I didn't eat much of anything, but I ate a little of a lot of stuff. I made quiche that night (two different kinds) and a flour-less chocolate cake that did have sugar in it because I used semi-sweet chips. I had one piece, but it was a Dave-sized piece which is twice the size of the ones I cut. In fact, when I put the thing in the freezer, I cut all the slices in half and wrapped them.

The steak day sucked. I'm not doing it again. I'll work on just bringing the weight off slowly, or I'll take a higher set point. I'm sick of them. This one was hard too...the steak wasn't done right, but I was too hungry so I ate 2/3 of it before it just made me sick to try to chew raw meat. I ate asparagus instead of an apple, and ate it until it just didn't even taste good...to make up for the nasty steak I didn't eat. All that and I only came down 1.7 lb. Although, I was in such a pissy mood by bed time, I caved and had two pieces of choco-delight and 6 oz. of wine. I just didn't care if it worked or not. I was just mad I had to do it and it ruined my day.

I was hungrier than usual even though I did nothing. I mean NOTHING. The only thing I did work related was some concept development for some packaging on an idea of mine, and the only work/school related thing was some reading. I did no writing, I did no exercise, I did no blogging or research. I played a little Wii, we observed an hour of lights out on Saturday, I vegged on the computer, I did a little laundry. Really, nothing. Now I do have to play a little catch up.

The steak day brought me down to 133.8, which is 1 lb. away from that top limit.

Day 41 stabilization

2010-03-26T15:47:00.000-07:00

Today I was up 1.1 lb., just like .2 away from a steak day. I decided just to let it go there if it must.

I have no idea how I have accumulated over 1600 calories thus far, considering I haven't even had my dinner (steak and asparagus) or the copious amounts of wine I plant to enjoy tonight. My day looked like this:

1 cup Irish oats, 1/2 cup strawberries-breakfast (cream in my coffee)
2 oz. cheese mid-morning snack
12 almonds and a Jay Robb shake-lunch
Atkins bar-late afternoon snack

I'm waiting for dinner and I was just craving tuna fish, which I just happened to have made, so I had 1/4-1/2 cup of that for no particular reason.

They aren't bad choices, nor consumed in inordinately large amounts. But I was already at over 1400 before the tuna and Atkins bar. Considering I was up so much today on less food than that yesterday, we'll see what that means for tomorrow.

I do intend to challenge Dave to some serious Wii. We'll see if that actually happens.

Day 40 stabilization

2010-03-25T05:15:00.000-07:00

Today is another long day, but there's not so much crammed into it, and what is happens at my house, and I love to be home!

Let's see...yesterday was almost the same as far as food goes, and it seems to be working so we're going to stick with it. I had a banana for breakfast, a Jay Robb shake and some trail mix at lunch, an Atkins snack bar later, and 2 oz. of Swiss with 100g piece of chicken...all of this while on the move, unfortunately. Nothing after 5 pm but a piece of dark chocolate and a glass of wine.

I looks to be that if I can keep it below 1200 to 1400 calories I can maintain or lose. The carbs (as in fruit) are not hindering the process at all.

I was afraid to try the banana...but my dau's BF bought them and they were rotting on the counter because no one was eating them, so I took a chance. Since I'm only willing to have about 1 fruit per day right now, I didn't save the strawberries. They died a slow, painful death in the fridge. RIP.

I'm hoping the tomatoes and cukes don't suffer the same end, but I have to be home long enough to spend some time chopping and mixing and cleaning up my mess to be able to rescue them. I hope to do that today. I also have some tuna I'd love to make. I also have a new Wii game I'd like to try that a friend of mine says is a blast, and some new strength exercises I'm geeked to try. Time. All I need is time.

Day 39 stabilization

2010-03-24T05:37:00.000-07:00

Down .7 today. I'll take it.

Today is not quit as hectic, but I did dream I forgot all about history class and hadn't done my paper and was rushing to get there and come up with an excuse for not having it done.

I did catch up a little on sleep. I really enjoy it when the sun wakes up before me!

Yesterday, I had a fiber boosted Jay Robb shake for breakfast (with whole milk) and a banana. I'm trying to see if adding more fiber and carbs is the way to go this time around.

For lunch, I had macs and an apple. For dinner, I had 2 oz. Swiss cheese, 100g chicken and 3 slices of bacon.

I came home from class pretty hungry, but I didn't eat. I did snitch a choco-delight and a glass of wine and then hit the bed pretty hard.

Today Kohl's is having a sale, and I'm going to get underwear. I've shrunk out of my bras. It appears I'm not down to an A cup. At this rate, by the time my skin is done shrinking to my new body, I'll be concave. I'm ok with that.

I also will be looking for some sort of 'shapewear'. As summer approaches, I'm wearing more shirts then sweaters or blouses and while things are shrinking up quite nicely, and there isn't any hanging skin or anything (sorry, but so many people ask that I figure inquiring minds want to know) some stuff is still 'loose'; 'squishy' as one client proclaimed after a loss of 50 lb. or so. The good thing is that it makes my body quite malleable...like Play Doh :-) so shapeware really lives up to it's name. I will also pick up a couple of pairs of spring shoes just because I have a thing for shoes and it's a sale.

Also, I've added Mesotherapy to the repertoire. Yesterday, I had my legs shot up with about 100 shots of whatever they shoot into you. It was like being stung by very methodical bees 50 times in each thigh, but I just stayed relaxed and breathed through it. The doc says it takes 3-6 treatments a week apart to see results. The PA said in her experience, more like 10-12. We'll see what happens with that.

Stabilization day 38

2010-03-23T04:55:00.000-07:00

I had a comment on yesterday's post, and I did approve it to go up, but when I came on to comment to that observation, it isn't here.

The person commenting said they were on stabilization too, in their first round of protocol, and that they too were having a steak day every 3 days or so. She observed it had to level out sometime, right?

Yes.

I will say the hundreds of testimonials on line helped me believe that the first time I did this. The fact that it worked...and worked the next two times too...helped cement that expectation last time and this time. That is part of what makes it frustrating that it is difficult this time.

But one of the most important things I've learned having done this is that as my body changes, I have to change my behaviors. I have just not figured out what works for me this time. I have to keep trying different calorie counts and different foods since what worked before isn't working now. I have to do it in such a way that I can live my life the way I want and not feel deprived, yet not gain weight.

I'm really at a place now where I might do one or two more steak or egg days, but I'm actually not sure if I will. I'm up .2 lb. today. I'm only like .4 lb. away from another adjustment. I may just let it go and see what happens.

Yes, it is comforting to know I could do another round, but I don't want to fall on that as my maintenance plan. I want my life to support my new shape. However, considering that the weirdness of the last round might be what's made this difficult, I'm willing to do it again to see if things work better next time.

I've only officially got a few more days of this stabilization/maintenance phase, and then we'll see. I may just live my life without being so obsessive about it for the next three weeks and then try again. I know I should actually wait until like July or August. If the next three weeks go well, maybe I will. But if I start growing out of stuff because eating Primal and moving more isn't working like it should, I know myself well enough to know I won't just keep growing all summer. I'll have to do it again.

Day 37 stabilization

2010-03-22T04:32:00.000-07:00

I skipped writing here yesterday. It would just have been depressing, though today I'm a grump too.

Yesterday bumped me up that 1/2 lb. that put me over my last hCG weight. ANOTHER freakin' steak day. Today I'm only down .7 lb. Dave is down 1.8 and didn't even DO a steak day!

During our walk (about 2 miles) I kvetched that I was starting to feel like for the rest of my life, I was going to have to have one fasting day/steak day (or modifications thereof) per week, minimum, just to stay where I need to be. That depresses me, because it's not like I'm eating whatever I want the rest of the week. If I were, it might be manageable.

And I wondered again why it has been so this time when it never has before. And I wonder if it's because the little amount I did release on that screwed up protocol round was largely lost during the first week when I was essentially losing it on a starvation diet w/o the hCG. If that beginning was so messed up that it messed up EVERYTHING. If so, I'm wondering how long before I can do the program again correctly) and if/when I do, will it work easily and the way it's supposed to? Will stabilization be easier if I can get down below a certain point?

I'm thinking if the weight comes back on so easily now, I'd probably gain back 10 lb. during loading and have to lose it all over again (along with the other 10 I want to get rid of) but if it works the way it's supposed to, that shouldn't even take a full 41 day round.

My SIL will be here for a visit in May and will be on protocol. I wonder if I can do it again that soon? It would make her visit easier (for her) if we are both on protocol and eating the same amounts of the same stuff. Technically, I should wait 4 or 5 months, but that's if I reached my goal and stabilized. What if I don't ever reach that plateau? I'd have to struggle like this for months! !@#$%^&*()_+! I'll go insane!

Later-

1 cup Irish oats for breakfast, an apple and 12 macs for lunch at around 1 pm, 2 pieces caraway farmers cheese around 3, and dinner at 5:15...100g chicken, 2 slices swiss, 5 asparagus spears and a sugar-free pudding.

Now, I don't feel I ate a tremendous amount at any point, although I am full now. Yet somehow I've accumulated almost 1800 calories! I know FitDay says I can have 1900, but I know that's crazy. I've probably had several hundred more than I should have, but I'm not sure how. I ate only when I was actually hungry, and only an amount I needed not to be. Even a long walk isn't going to mitigate that damage much.

I just can't do another steak or egg day. If I'm up tomorrow, I'm up. I'm staying there.

I need to go for a walk before I settle in to get some writing and studying in. I don't really want to go alone, but it looks like I might have to.

Day 35 stabilization

2010-03-20T07:02:00.000-07:00

FINALLY I'm seeing numbers that look like they should.It should be tenths of a lb. up and down with zeros in between. That's 'normal' stabilization. Today was another zero day.

Of course, I wish these would have started at my last hCG weight or a couple of lb. below, and not at 1.5 lb. above. I'd like more than a half pound buffer to keep me away from steak days.

It might have been the fiber that helped, it might have been the sleep. Could be neither. Who knows? I'm still trying to figure it out.

I would love nothing more than to be able to make this a 'me' day. I need it after last week. That isn't going to happen though. I have product development, a proposal to work on, two papers to work on, one of which requires reading with the other requiring research and reading. I AM going to make sure I get yoga in, and I'd like to get Wii in later. It's sucky outside (28 degrees and we got an inch or two of snow last night) so I won't be tempted to go out there. It's just cruel considering the nice, warm (61!) sunny days we've had. Blech! I am so over snow and cold about now, I have to confess.

However, I am treating my self to a leisurely coffee and I'm rushing nowhere. If I don't get to everything today, I won't worry about it because I have tomorrow. I am putting myself first in that I'll do the yoga before any of the brain work.

Keep up the good work, hCGers!

Later-

I just had brunch...2 oz. of cheese and 3 slices of bacon. How predictable is that? I thought about oatmeal, but we'll see how today goes and perhaps try it tomorrow. I love Irish Oats! Or, maybe I'll have them for a late lunch?

Anyway, someone had posted a question about bathing suits when I excitedly shared that I now had some and they were cute, and since I haven't figured out the reason why I can't just respond to questions (I'll do that next today) I'm answering here:

No.

The reason is not that they aren't cute or that I don't look hot...you'll just have to take my husband's word for it because while the body is now rockin', it has not seen significant sun in like 20 years. I did have one unfortunate stint with tanning beds in my attempt to remedy the translucent quality that has become 'normal' for me so that I might not blind those who live above ground, but for the most part, this particular color is often said to be 'fish-belly white'. It's not attractive.

Therefor, there will be no bathing suit pictures unless and until my skin acquires some color.

Later still-

I had a handful of macs a couple of hours after the brunch. No oatmeal. I did 40 min. of yoga, 40 min. of Wii and 40 min. of step aerobics. Then I had an Atkins bar.

For dinner I had 4 pieces of bacon, a 115g. burger (no bun) with blue cheese and a pile of broccoli (at least 1-1.5 cups). I was stuffed to the gills, shame on me, so we went for a walk (about 1 mile) and next we are going to compete on some more Wii games before catching some SNL.

I did do some research, but none of the reading and didn't get around to writing either. I wanted to do Wild Divine too, but there just isn't enough time in the day it seems to get everything in, so I must prioritize. For tonight though, no more work...just play!

Day 34 stabilization

2010-03-19T10:02:00.000-07:00

I missed yesterday. It was a blur and I'm not sure I recall much of it. Too little sleep, too much to do. It was a 'zero' day. I'm not sure, but I think my first...I wish I'd just stay there!

Today was up .7 lb. I'm about 1/2 lb. away from a steak day, though I'm certain my exhaustion plays into this, so we'll see how tomorrow goes. I also decided maybe fiber is an issue, so I added Benefiber to my coffee and protein drink today.

In take today has been a handful of macs, an apple, and a protein shake. I have no clue what dinner will be. I don't even know how I'm going to stay awake long enough to eat it unless I get a second wind or a nap. Nap is not likely since I'm only home between appointments right now, and I see 8 more clients between now and 5 pm.

Yesterday, working backwards, I know I had a glass of wine after class, trail mix w/nuts, seeds and dried stuff...goji berries, cherries, raisins, apples before class. I had a piece of chicken and an apple and a sugar-free pudding for an early dinner. For lunch, I think it was macs and an apple and a sugar-free pudding. I don't think I had breakfast, but if did, it was likely cheese and bacon.

This is an encapsulation, because I've been eating on the run and none of this was consumed in actual 'meals'...it was here and there. It's been hard to get water in too, because I haven't had enough breaks to pee!

I need sleep. Being tired seems to make me hungrier.

I just have to get through the afternoon. Hopefully being busy will make it go quickly.

Later-

I broke the cardinal rule of letting myself get so hungry that I ate something I shouldn't have: I had trail mix (1/2 cup or less) as soon as I walked in the door because I was famished!

About an hour later I had two pieces of cheese, 100g chicken and 1 piece of bacon. It would have been good all together, but I ate each separate, one after the other while I was trying to figure out what to have for dinner before realizing that WAS dinner.

Now I feel like I ate too much, but all total, it wasn't. I still feel like a cheater for the trail mix, though.

We'll see if tomorrow is going to be ANOTHER steak day. We already know we are having steak. The question is will that be ALL I can have? I'm hoping the fiber from today does it's job and the answer will be no. Crossing my fingers.

Day 32 stabilization

2010-03-17T19:59:00.000-07:00

17 hour days are just far too long! I've been going like the Energizer bunny since I popped out of bed at 5:30 am.

The short version: Down .2 lb. this a.m. (yippie...yes that's dripping with sarcasm) but at least it's not up. Didn't eat until about 1 p.m. and I was HUNGRY by then. I got held up with clients longer than I thought I would be so I didn't eat beforehand and I didn't take food. I broke my number one rule of not being prepared.

Came home and had bacon and a piece of cheese.

Later I had an Atkins bar and a handful of macs.

For dinner I had two pieces of cauliflower crust pizza.

Currently I'm having a glass of wine before I collapse.

Tomorrow will be about the same. I hope to get a nap. I didn't quite pull that off today, but I did try, and then decided on 40 min. of yoga. I MUST get a walk in tomorrow as it's going to snow this weekend, but it will be nearly 70 tomorrow. I do realize that it will likely be hotter than hell soon enough and I'll be begging for a/c, but currently I'm craving sunshine and warmth on my skin. And sleep.

Day 31 stabilization

2010-03-16T06:11:00.001-07:00

Egg day was...an egg day. Nothing special. I went to work, I ate 5 eggs. I couldn't gag down the sixth. Today I'm down 2 lb. It's something. It's not the 2.4 I gained the day before. It's not the 3.5 I gained cumulatively over the several days prior. But it is something.

For the next two days at least, it wouldn't matter if I were close to the last hCG weight. I can't do anything about it, at least until Friday. Nor would I. I'm just going to not worry about it.

I've had a couple of people comment on how 'brave' I am to do this program...considering it's not FDA approved and all...so I'd like to comment on that today. I also have a couple of book reviews to post, but that will have to take a backseat to my research paper (which I will also post) and reflection paper due tomorrow.

Anyway, about being 'brave' for using a 'drug' that isn't approved by the FDA.

hCG is not a drug. It is a glycoproteic hormone like (thyroid stimulating hormone or TSH). It is not approved for weight loss, but not because it's dangerous. We take 125-175 IU per day for a limit of 40 days at a time. It is out of the body in 3 days. In pregnancy when the body creates it, it is made in amounts between 500,000 and 1,000,000 IU per day...each and every pregnancy. That means any woman who has been pregnant a couple of times has had more hCG in her system than will EVER be in anyone using hCG for weight loss. Are those women brave?

In fertility treatments (FDA approved) it is used in dosages of 1,000-4,000 IU at a time for men, and 5,000-10,000 IU at a time for women.

It is not FDA approved because the FDA says it doesn’t work. Thousands of people have proven that they are wrong. The study they used to determine this was flawed because the parameters were changed...just like if people change the Dr. Simeons' rules in clinics now. If you change it, it won't work. Besides, the FDA are the wise people who gave us Vioxx and a multitude of other what turned out to be killing/maiming agents. For instance, Cytotec isn't approved by the FDA for use in labor induction either (it's an ulcer drug used off label) and it's proven to be dangerous, yet it is used all the time. In fact, lots of drugs are. I repeat, however, that hCG is not a drug. Given the track record of the FDA though, I'll take common sense and science vs. a corrupt and morally bankrupt government agency.

In addition, hCG is approved for lots of stuff and being looked at for other stuff, like reducing the risk of breast cancer.

I don't consider myself 'brave'. I consider myself lucky to have found something that works after 20 years of thinking I was just a failure.

Day 30 stabilization

2010-03-15T05:27:00.000-07:00

When I sat down to document all I ate yesterday, I realized that it was almost like a binge for me, even though if you took everything I ate all day long, it would fill a paper lunch bag about 1/2 way (the 4" x 6" by 12" ones). I know people who eat more than that in one meal and stay thin!

But no...my scale shows a TWO POINT FOUR POUND GAIN today. Yes, that would be 2.4 lb. gained. It had to be from the mac and cheese combo, or the Splenda in the sweet things. They had traces of starch, but not real sugar. So...yeah. Another freakin' egg day. Guess it's a good thing I made those yesterday.

My tummy has been raising holy hell since last night, so I actually sort of expected the opposite this morning. I thought my body would reject all I ate and initiate a huge cleanse of sorts. It still sounds like there is an alien in there with all the roaring, gurgling and pinging not to mention the feeling of a 7 month fetus in there moving around.

Oh, and as far as activity yesterday, other than helping Dave with the gazebo for a few minutes and hauling some plants (and then cleaning the house up after dropping fern bits all over) I didn't do much. My foot hurt. I'm not sure how I injured it, but my arch was sore and it hurt to use the arch support, and it hurt not to use it. So I read for the rest of the evening and did no Wii or yoga, and no walking. Dave invited me to go with him while he played disk, but I declined and the saga of the Boleyn family.

Day 29 stabilization

2010-03-14T15:17:00.000-07:00

Dave and I did get our cleaning done, and did do step aerobics for about 45 minutes; worked up a good sweat.

We had a very good time with our company. I don't recall eating anything from the time I posted here last (I might have had a Atkins fiber bar?) until right before dinner. As I was cooking I was getting hungry and I ate the last of the dried pineapple. Not the best choice, but it looked yummy to me. It was.

I nibbled pistachios that I had out for the company at various times throughout the night, but I didn't keep track so I have no clue precisely how many I had.

For dinner I had steak and asparagus. I skipped the salad as I was full after eating the hot stuff. I didn't really want desert either, but that's what the guests brought so I had a about a small 2-inch square piece to be polite.

Over the course of the evening, the wine flowed freely.

Late last night, I had about 1/2 cup of the homemade mac and cheese I'd made for the kids. I knew at the time it was too late to be eating anything, much less mac and cheese, though it was made from Dreamfield noodles which are low carb.

Anyway, I gained back my 1.1 lb. lost from Friday. I wouldn't have been up over the mark even with all that, but I may be after today, so I'm glad I took preemptive measures.

Today I had my usual morning stuff, but then we worked outside in the yard all day, so eating was mostly coming in to grab stuff...and it adds up. Plus, I made sucky choices, so I'm glad I made a batch of eggs in case I need an egg day.

When I'd bop in the house I'd grab easy stuff like sugar-free puddings (two total) or Akins bars (two total) or the pistachios that are still out from last night (again, no idea how many). Then, for no reason I can explain other than I wanted it, I had a pile of the last of the mac and cheese--I'd guess at least a cup and a half. I will eat no more tonight, but I'm now tired because of it.

Day 28 stabilization

2010-03-13T07:21:00.000-08:00

My honey did have a nice big steak for me, so I had that and an apple around 5 pm. We ended up staying up until about 10 pm though, and I was hungry and grumpy by then.

I only let go of 1.1 lb., so I'm still 'overweight' according to that damn Wii, but it did do what I wanted it to do in assuring that even with company tonight, if I eat and drink normally, I won't go over the 2 lb. range...and that I didn't start out the day there so that I couldn't enjoy my night at all, much less 'normally'.

I've had the usual for breakfast, and I think D and I are going to get some aerobics in today before our house cleaning and company stuff.

Day 27 stabilization

2010-03-12T07:43:00.000-08:00

Yesterday wasn't as bad as I feared...it was a .7 gain today. That still puts me a about 1.5 lb. away from a steak day, but I'm going to confess that I'm going to try to cheat the system again.

My reasoning is thus: tomorrow I have company coming for dinner. Several times throughout this stabilization I have jumped 1.5 lbs. If I do that again tomorrow, I cannot have a steak stay, and I'll be screwed.

I've done this before during this time, but when I've been much closer to the tipping point.

In any case, it's not quite 10 am and I was really hungry already an hour ago. It passed and I'm good now. We'll see how the day goes.

Later-

It's after 2 pm and I'm between appointments again. The next one isn't for another hour or so. I hope it's short, because I'm reaching my limit. No headache yet, but growling tummy. I just drank about a liter of water, and I anticipate at least two more before I leave here. I hope my honey has that steak on the grill when I get there around 4-4:30!

Day 26 stabilization

2010-03-11T17:21:00.000-08:00

Weird day. Should be interesting tomorrow.

Um,let's see...up early, Wii said I was up .4 lb.

Bacon and cheese for breakfast. 100 g. chicken for lunch. Macs and an apple mid-afternoon.

By the time I got out of work and could go to dinner (thus NOT go grocery shopping hungry). I was famished!

We went to what USED to be our favorite restaurant. Either they now suck, or our tastes have changed, because the last couple of times we've gone, we've been disappointed. The first attempt was WAY over-spiced and over done. The second attempt was overdone. I almost NEVER send stuff back, so you know it was bad. While I was waiting for said second attempt, I ate a dinner role. I also had croûtons on my salad and two glasses of wine. (Read: it ways bad AND slow.)

Went shopping and came home, but two glasses of wine and yoga or Wii would be a bad idea. I am such a cheap date.

In any event, I dread tomorrow's weigh in because I fear another freakin' steak day! It feels like such an over the top cheat.

Guess we'll see how much this little outing cost me.

Day 25 stabilization

2010-03-10T08:50:00.000-08:00

Let's see...never did get the Wii in. The day got away from me and I ended up rushing at the end. My history paper, while I'm happy with it, took more research than I intended, and my procrastination and lack of business acumen meant I was scrambling to get my recertification requirements assembled.

At some point I grabbed a sugar free pudding cup.

I left for the class I had to teach with a handful of macs and a frozen piece of chicken I attempted to defrost on my heating vent (fail, BTW) and an apple. I ate those before class, and during class shared some of the pistachios I brought for the pregnant moms and dads.

Had a glass of wine when I got home.

I was down .7 lb. today, about .1 of a pound away from that 'normal' line again.

Today so far I've had coffee and the usual 2 slices cheese and 3 pieces of bacon.

On the agenda today is some more research for a different purpose, yoga, hypnosis appointment and a 4 hour class tonight for which I have some reading.

I was very excited yesterday! I went bathing suit shopping on eBay a couple of weeks ago. I bid on a bunch of suits, and actually won several for like $5. One is going to Goodwill, but the others I actually LIKE on me! THE most exciting part though, was that there was one I really, really liked. My dau even said that it looked like 'me', and it did. I was willing to actually pay more for it; it was perfect for me and it was new. I only had to pay about 1/2 of what I was willing to pay, and it arrived yesterday. I LOVE IT!

This is HUGE! I have not owned anything but a plain black one-piece, with a skirt, for years. Well, briefly there was a weird one piece tan fake suede looking thing I got when we won a cruise and couldn't find a darn thing that fit because I was shopping 'off season'. In any case, I had them but only wore them if I HAD to, and then when as few people as possible could see me.

Granted, these are all one-pieces or tankinis that cover the belly...I have grown an entire human being inside me after all, and she did leave marks. But they are so pretty! And they are actually flattering! Let me rephrase that: I actually look good in them! I have a choice in summer attire!

I also went to a different Goodwill than my usual yesterday, and I have to say, all Goodwill stores are not created equal. This one didn't have the quality or selection I find at my local store, nor were the prices nearly as good. I did find a brand new Ann Taylor shirt for $6, and a couple of dress jackets for work, but otherwise, I was not impressed.

I find that after shopping at Goodwill out of necessity (because I was shrinking out of stuff so fast) I actually prefer it now. I go into Kohl's and find a pair of pants I really like, and they are reasonably priced at $40 or so, but I think, "I'll probably see those exact pants at good will, preshrunk and a sure fit, at Goodwill for like $4 next week." Sure enough, that's what happens. I guess I prefer to save the $36, 'support the mission' and get the tax break for the turn around since the rule is something goes back if something comes in.

Oh! My appointment is in 40 min. and I'm not at all ready! Time to stop rambling and get to work!

Day 24 stabilization

2010-03-09T07:23:00.000-08:00

Today I am one tenth of a lb. over my LIW. I really, really, really, REALLY wish I could get down to 2 lb. UNDER my LIW and stay there!!! I'm guessing that's not going to happen during this stabilization/maintenance phase. I should be happy that this didn't happen every round, or I would have been frustrated thinking this is going to be my life if I'm going to keep the weight off. I really don't understand why the actual protocol, and then this part, have been so labor intensive when the it was never this way before. Having said that, it's do-able...just a pain in the arse.

But, the fact of the matter is that a status that a friend posted on Facebook the other day sums up where I am quite well: "The beatings will continue until the morale improves." My body is fighting me for some stupid reason, but I don't care! I LOVE being at the size I am! I'm not giving it up without a freakin' fight! If I have to do a steak or egg day every day for the next two weeks or more, I will! At some point, my body will have to give up and say, 'Fine, you can stay here. I'll play nice.'

I'd really like a wiggle range of 129-132, which is slightly lower than where I am. I'm going to have to work to get there. The problem is it's going to take some experimentation, and the trial and error thus far keeps bumping me in the wrong direction. But like I said, eventually, my body must capitulate if I'm unwilling to yield in my demands. I'm the one controlling what goes into this body! I'm in charge now!

There was nothing to report yesterday as it was an egg day. Blech! I took a day off from yoga, and by the time I got done with work and appointments, it was dark and I was pooped so I didn't even get out for a walk though it was a beautiful day (I hear).

I took a hot bath and went to bed. I'm surrounded by sickies right now, so I thought that might be a nice preventative.

My body also decided, 'Nah! Just messing with you for the last two weeks.' Cycle symptoms are gone. It was a rather odd, likely peri-menopausal cycle. Neither here nor there for two weeks. But now it seems to be gone. I think.

I'm off to do yoga, then I'll be in my 'womb' (basement) for a few hours getting some work done, then off to teach class tonight. I'm also checking to see if I can horn in on my dau and dh's back-to-back chiro appointments. Again, a preventative measure to avoid this crud they have that I do not want.

Later-

Wimped out and did just 1/2 hour of yoga. I tried a new one and didn't like it much. I'll have to get a walk and/or some Wii in.

Breakfast-3 pieces of bacon and about 1 oz. cheese.

Lunch-about 1/4-1/2 cup tuna and 1 Clementine. Water, water, water, water.

Day 23 stabilization

2010-03-08T04:47:00.000-08:00

First things first: Kelly asked a couple of questions yesterday, and though I responded several times, none of those responses posted. I don't know what's up with that and don't have time to try to figure it out, so...

The bacon is a local store brand (in WI) but there was another that we used to get before that our grocery store no longer carries. I don't recall what it was, I'll have to ask my husband.

The choco-delite and the choco-crack sound like exactly the same thing. I happen to have acquired a taste for the dark but a little bitter.

OK, now on to the frustrating part.

DH and I ate the same things all day (though he ate far more) and did the same stuff throughout the day (though he did a bike ride instead of yoga). He lost 1.1 lb.---I gained 1.1 lb.

The variables are: the period that never starts and yet never ends, every inch of my body is sore, and it would seem an alimentary system that moves at a glacial pace. So, once again I am at a place where I don't really think it is anything to be concerned about, and I'm still .4 lb. away from a 'steak day', I must decide what to do.

For the next several days, I will be far too busy for a 'steak day', and today I have no one to prepare the steak. It is a distinct possibility that in the next three days, that .4 lb. could manifest, and I'd be stuck there. Thus, it seems prudent that another egg day is on my plate today (so to speak). Well, a modified egg day, since I've already had cream in my coffee.

Again, the way the day looks, it won't be difficult, just...tedious. I do not want a weekly (or more frequent) repeat of this for life! I just want to stay put!

However, I just took a bunch of (too big) stuff to Goodwill, and while there found the cutest pair of brand new pants I have ever owned! I got a few other really great things too, and one skirt is just ever so slightly too small; I could wear it, but it wouldn't be comfortable. It's a size 4. Honestly, I'm not sure what size I am at this point, as I've got stuff in my closet that fits from a 4 to a 10, yet I have a skirt in a 5 that is too small. Weird.

So anyway, shopping was fun and I have all new clothes, and I'm not giving an inch (or a fraction of an inch!) on this place where I want to be. Eggs it is!

Day 22 stabilization

2010-03-07T06:49:00.000-08:00

I gained .9 lb. today. Still more than a lb. away from another steak (or egg) day…and hoping to stay that way! I really don't like needing them every week, let alone twice per week! I didn't eat anything I shouldn't yesterday, and I didn't eat late, but I did drink like it was the weekend!

I did an hour of yoga and we walked probably 2 miles at a brisk pace yesterday afternoon. For dinner we had steak and baby Lima beans. I had a couple of choco-delights after dinner.

I have to say though, as much as I've complained about those steak days, for 3 weeks I have stayed within my '2 lb. either side of my last hCG' limit. It's just that the last two rounds of stabilization have been the only ones where there was any effort involved in keeping it there. Wait, the first one, it was an effort to not keep dropping, but I didn't consider that a problem.

So the fact that there is any work at all, or that any foods might be a problem is a little frustrating. Before, just following the vague rules kept me right where I needed to be. It seems, looking back over my journal, that I could eat a wider variety too, and not worry.

As I move into my last 3 weeks of stabilization, I'm a little afraid to add 'sugar and starch' even slowly, considering what the first 3 weeks has been like. But, when we go shopping, I will pick up a wider variety of fruits and veggies. I have no desire for anything sweet. I have no desire for breads or pasta. But if something like that crossed my path, I'd try a little and see what the scale said in the a.m.

Later-

Ok, we'll see what it does, I guess. I'm preparing eggs for another 'egg day' just in case tomorrow sucks.

I had a Clementine (teeny-tiny orange for anyone who doesn't eat them) with my bacon and cheese this morning, and for my after-yoga snack I had a serving of dried pineapple (1/3 cup) and a handful of macs. Yoga was long form and really intense, so I sort of allowed myself to feel I earned that snack. I'm still wiggly. Dave wants to go for a walk, but I asked him to give me an hour or two to recoup.

I'll see how tomorrow goes, and if it's not as bad as I fear, I think I'll try Irish oats on Wednesday.

Now for deep thoughts. :-)

A friend and I were discussing being a professional as a woman of size, and the pervasive idea that the fat hinders our progression up the later. I agreed whole-heartedly that it was certainly the case; after all, from first hand experience I know that if a woman is overweight she's often ignored. No matter how brilliant, confident or competent she is, she will have to go above and beyond to prove it because people make assumptions based on their first impressions.

But there was something about this conversation that just didn't sit right with me (besides the obvious injustice of it all) and I finally realized what it was: It's not OUR FAT that holds us back...it's OTHER PEOPLE'S IGNORANCE about our fat that holds us back.

It's not fair, but it's not going to change either. We can accept that we are in essence handicapped by proxy due to the assumption of others that we are lazy, stupid or incompetent just because some overweight people are (as are plenty of underweight people, but somehow the same judgments are not instantaneously made), we can fight to end fat discrimination (though it sure seems an endless battle) or we can kick ass and take names.

A year ago, I would have thought that only the first two options were open to me, and I tried, I really did, to just accept that it is what it is. I spent 20 years trying to get the weight of too...but every time I met with failure, internalized said failure, and sought invisibility once more. Now that I know there's hope, I would love to see my sisters in suffering join me and take back what is rightfully theirs. Getting thin and getting ahead is better than getting even.

It feels good to be here, but you know, I'm grateful for where I've come from because I have empathy that is from that unique perspective. I know it sucked to be there...even though I told myself it didn't. And it's empowering to have my life back, to feel vindicated that those judgments people made, often verbally and to my face, were wrong; that all those doctors over all those years were wrong. It's crazy-making to be told by EV-ER-Y-ONE that you must be lazy or lying or you'd be thin, even though you KNOW that's not true.

Later-

We did go for that long walk, and then another one after dinner. I'd estimate we walked about 3 miles total. I say estimate because while I do have a pedometer, it wasn't until the completion of the first walk that I realized that it needed to be re-calibrated.

Dinner was 100g chicken breast/blue cheese/pecan salad, but in addition to that, I had one deviled egg and about 1/4 cup of tuna with mayo and onions; I was making stuff for the week, and it's aways better to see if it's edible! :-)

I need to stretch again just because it was cold when we took that second walk and I wanted to warm up before getting the kinks out.

Day 21 Stabilization

2010-03-06T10:10:00.000-08:00

Hm...let's see...yesterday, bacon and cheese for breakfast, macs for a snack, later an apple and when I got home more macs.

I went out to dinner with a wonderful friend and it was yummy!! Had garlic stuffed filet, green beans and too much good wine. I'm up.2 of a lb., but I don't consider that bad with the night had!

Today, we are going to get some errands in, spend some time outside (it's going to be in the 40s today!) and do long form yoga.

So far today I've had the same foods as yesterday at this time, minus the macs.

Day 20 stabilization

2010-03-05T05:02:00.000-08:00

Despite the lack of sleep, bad attitude and class of wine I used to knock me the f*ck out last night (which didn't work) after I was awoken from my desired comatose state.

My egg day seems to have worked. I'm down 2 lb. So I'm smaller to day, but grumpy. The eggs weren't much better than the steak. Today may have to be a 'protein shake day' just because I don't know when I'll find time to eat.

I'm grateful for small things, like the fact that I'm not sick, like Dave.

Day 19 stabilization

2010-03-04T04:37:00.000-08:00

Yesterday the food stuff was typical. Coffee with cream, 1/2 cup tuna with mayo and 2 oz. swiss cheese. One deviled egg...and there was something else with that, but I for the life of me can't remember what. I'm guessing cheese. Later, chicken, bacon and an apple, all on the run between places. I did have to resort to a handful of macs in class last night.

I did get quality sleep (finally!) last night, but not enough. I also had a chiropractic adjustment and I'm a little sore.

My weight is up .4 again today. I still have more than 1/2 lb. to go before I'm too worried. I know my calorie count was within range and other than not being able to exercise there's no cause for a gain other than the usual contributing factors like water retention and the need for sleep and more water.

However, I'm going to try the egg day today to see what happens. I have plans to go out with a friend tomorrow, and a steak day won't work. Today I'm busy enough that an egg day will. And I can collapse as soon as I'm done teaching tonight because I'm doing so from home. Yay!

Wayyyyyy Later-

I did great all day, eating only 6 eggs all day, up at 5:30 am, working until it was time to come home and clean what I JUST freakin' cleaned, teach at 6:30 pm until 9, fall into a coma by 9:15 pm...only to be awoken repeatedly by inconsideration.

So now I'm trying to calm down enough to go back to sleep for the perhaps (hopefully) 6 short hours I have to actually sleep before doing it all again, but I was too hungry, and too annoyed. I've had two protocol chocolates and a big glass of wine and my 'egg day' experiment is screwed. Nice.

Day 18 stabilization

2010-03-03T06:04:00.000-08:00

Still a lb. away from steak day, and lots of factors could be contributing to this little uptick.
I know I ate right yesterday, and I got some great yoga in, along with house cleaning and teaching, which always makes me sweat.
BUT that period still looms (and from experience we know that could last a week or more) AND I probably didn't drink enough water after about3 or 4 pm AND I didn't get to bed until about 11:30 pm, only to have some IDIOT from Maryland call us at 4:40 am and scare the bejebus out of us. Any call at 4:40 am can't be good. The fact that it was a wrong number or whoever called us changed their minds doesn't negate the fact that now we are up and the adrenaline is pumping. Because I didn't sleep well the last couple of nights (I'd wake up at like 3 am because I was dreaming about work) I was able to go back to sleep. Dave just got up because his alarm goes at 5:10 anyway. Well, it did again, meaning I then woke up abruptly at 5:10 and again at 6 (I don't know why…I heard a noise?) and again at 7...wondering why my alarm didn't go off, which is ultimately why I got up then. I figured if it didn't go off I must have set it for pm instead of am or something and if I fell asleep I'd miss appointments. But no, I had just set it for 7:30 so it hadn't gone off YET.
I've had perhaps 10-12 hours total restful sleep in the last 3 days, which for me is not enough. I would attribute the weight gain to that mostly.
However, since I'm still a lb. under the mandatory steak day limit, I'm not too concerned. I'll go about today a little like yesterday…yoga, chiropractic (which I thought was supposed to be yesterday, but I was wrong) the business side of teaching, a few appointments and prep for tomorrow and Friday (because they are PACKED and I won't have time to breathe those days) and history class tonight.
Tomorrow, I cannot see time for yoga at all.
Friday, perhaps short form after work.
Sat. perhaps super long form.
Oh, and last night I did have the chicken/pecan salad for dinner.

Day 17 stabilization

2010-03-02T09:50:00.000-08:00

Ok, I'm thinking the focus on pure protein and the intense yoga are a good combo. Today I was down .7 lb, even though there are signs of 'girl stuff' on the near horizon.

So, I did an hour and a half of yoga this a.m. I had my coffee with cream beforehand, and then one herbed egg and 2 oz. cheese for breakfast. For lunch I had about a tablespoon of tuna that my husband graciously left me, (I made it for him last night and it was soooo yummy I can't believe he left me even a bite!) an oz. of cheese and an apple. I figured I should have some fiber with all that cheese!

I'd really love to make more tuna for dinner, but I also figure I should toss in some veggies. So, perhaps I should have the chicken/pecan/gorgonzola tossed salad, or the feta/tomato/cuke again. Also, keeping in mind I'll be in a room full of pregnant mommas tonight, it would not be nice to go with tuna and onions for dinner. :-0

If I'm going to mess up the kitchen, I should do that before I go on my cleaning spree, so I guess that's my next move.

Day 16 stabilization

2010-03-01T05:19:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was good. I ate all I wanted when I wanted. I just had to eat different things in order to not gain, which I didn't. I lost .2 lb.

I had a deviled egg after I made them. I had to test one! And I did get in 1/2 hour of Wii. Even though it was a couple of hours after my piece of white pizza I had for dinner, I was still so full, some of the Wii was uncomfortable to do...like the hula hoop.

Later, I did have a glass of wine, and I did have a protocol chocolate or two.

The Wii was quite funny today. It said I lost 126 lb. and reached my 'goal' early! I had a BMI of like 1.6. HA! I don't know why it needed to be rebooted, but it did.

So, yesterday, I went to a birthday party where the most decadent cupcakes were available. I didn't have any. We went to Appleton (an hour drive), where we might have gone out to eat at a restaurant worth going to. We didn't. It's just to iffy in stabilization, especially when it has been so odd. I'm going to venture a guess and say unless something special comes up before my birthday in April, we likely won't eat out until then.

By the end of March, I hope to be stabilized toward the lower end of that 2 lb. leeway in either direction from the last hCG weight. I've decided without a doubt that I do NOT want to be 116 as per the Wii, but perhaps by the end of summer I can slowly get down to 124, which is currently 10 lb. If I can stabilize closer to 132, it will be 8 lb. That's not worth doing another 'round', especially if my body now will respond the way it's supposed to. I won't know that until I try traditional methods of shedding...exercising more and dropping my calories to below 1200. Well, for me it will likely be a little lower; closer to 1000. In any case, it's a novel concept that it might actually work for me. I can't remember a time when it did, but everything is different now, so we'll see.

Later-

I had an apple in the a.m., 2 deviled eggs and 2 oz. of cheese for lunch, followed by about 4-5 strawberries. I've drank water all day. I was going to have tuna or the chicken pecan salad for dinner, but the eggs called, so I had the same thing for dinner I had for lunch. Meh. Sue me. I never claimed to be a paragon of virtue, and besides, the pyramid of nutritional death is what made me fat and UNhealthy, so while I'm a little sad I didn't eat a veggie today, I'm not going to eat one when I'm not hungry just to say I ate one.

I did an hour and a half of yoga, and I feel great. According to FitDay, I've eaten just under 1200 calories and can eat over 2000. That isn't going to happen. And I'll be going to get 1/2 hour or so of Wii in after I'm done here.

However, one subject has been coming up for people who are moving into stabilization, and it ties into what would be seen as my horrible nutritional intake today...by 'traditional' standards.

Convention tells us there are good fats and bad fats and we need those whole grains...rice and wheat and soy. Again, I say 'meh'. There is plenty of evidence to suggest that if we ate more like we were built to eat...yes to things we would hunt or gather...nuts, seeds, berries, other seasonal and regional fruits, ditto for the veggies...we'd be healthier. I know we'd be less huge.

So people get hung up on what they 'should' eat when they move into stabilization. They think they need to concentrate on lots of low fat meats and large amounts of veggies. If I did that, I'd start gaining. I have learned that for me to stay where I am, I need to eat fats and proteins and keep the carbs very low and the sugars at almost nil.

Some studies are coming out that vindicate Atkins. There are now books that echo what he was saying years ago...like Primal Blueprint and The Paleo Diet and Good Calories Bad Calories. It's not fat that makes us fat...not even animal sources of fat. It's the sugar and refined grains that mess with insulin levels, which is also what makes us sick.

Now, lots of people don't want to hear that, and that's ok. Lots of people want to say hCG doesn't work for weight loss either. They keep trying to interrupt me while I'm doing it. I don't ask that anyone else believe it or do it, but if they lose the weight with the Simeons protocol and go back to eating a diet high in carbs...including organic brown rice and sprouted grain bread...they will very likely gain it back. If they think their body won't pack on pounds because they eat organic maple syrup on the whole wheat pancakes instead of maple flavored sugar syrup on freezer waffles, they can go right ahead and see how that works for them. I ate 'healthy' like that for 20 years and got fatter every year.

I am NOT saying that no one can eat like that without gaining. I know lots of people that can. What I am saying is that for people who must resort to something like the Simeons protocol to finally fix their bodies so they can lose weight probably can't go back to conventional thinking to keep it off.

Day 15 stabilization

2010-02-28T06:55:00.000-08:00

So, not plugging those nuts as I ate them, and eating them so late, was a big mistake. Man they add up quick!

I'm up .7 of a lb. today, which according to Wii puts me .3 of a pound away from a steak day. It's a hard call. I've had steak two days in a row, and while my husband makes a mean steak and we eat it when he's around, I don't eat it on my own because it's really not a favorite, believe it or not. Anyway, I don't want to do an actual steak day today because I'm about 'steaked out'. Simeons protocol says I don't need to until I go over that threshold, BUT should that happen Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday, I'd be screwed, because I'm running from dawn until dusk each of those days, and I won't even be home for dinner. In fact, I'll likely be eating 'dinner' in my car.

Tomorrow, if I needed to I could do a steak day, but I would be eating really late as Dave has an eye appointment after work and won't get home to deal with the grill until late.

IF I were to need the steak day to get back on track, and IF it happened during those days that I can't do a steak day, my new 'set point' would be where I am at that time. That happened to me last time, and I'm not going to let it happen again. So, what I think I'll do is make some eggs, and if this gain doesn't come off just by cutting out the nuts and being careful for a day or two, I'll do a modified steak day with eggs since they are portable.

Later-

I had cheese and bacon for breakfast. I had a feta/cuke serving of salad for lunch. I had my usual coffee with cream. For dinner I had a piece of white pizza and a couple of choco delite pieces. All total, I'm at just over 1000 calories at 5:30 pm. With the 45 minutes of yoga I did, I can have hundreds more. I'm going to go down and get 1/2 hour of Wii in too. Really. Like now.

Day 14 stabilization

2010-02-27T08:41:00.000-08:00

Even with as much as I ate yesterday (and much of it is still traveling through my system) I only gained .2 lb. yesterday. Unless of course the fact that I weighted 4 hours later than I typically do had any bearing on the total. It's ok. It's not a steak day! :-) Tomorrow may be, but tonight is not.

So, I'm going to get some yoga in. I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing, perhaps longer than the week I have left of the no sugar/no starch, because the first couple of weeks were messed up. Than I'll had more fruits and stuff SUPER slow and increase the exercise as I go to try to find that balance.

Later-

We did 40 minutes of family yoga. It was nice. I hope to do something a little longer for myself tomorrow.

I got caught up in some frustrating computer stuff (Where the hell did my 'contacts' go? And where is my file for class handouts??!) so I didn't get to Wii again though.

I didn't eat until lunch, at which time I ate more tomato/cuke salad. When we got back from shopping, I had 1/2 of an apple and some nuts and seeds...probably a tablespoon sunflower seeds, and between the cashews and macs, less than 1/4 cup of nuts.

Later I had two oz. of cheese. For dinner, 6 or 8 spears grilled asparagus and steak again. I don't know why...it looked good when we went shopping I guess.

I had two glasses of wine after dinner, but started getting loopy, so I switched to water by about 8 or 9.

We stayed up late and watched a little comedy, but this is where I got into trouble. I wasn't really hungry, and I let myself have some pistachios, and later (very late) some almonds. Not many mind you, but a small handful of each. Nuts add up! It was late, I didn't plug them into FitDay as I ate them.

Day 13 stabilization

2010-02-26T05:34:00.000-08:00

I did not do either Wii or yoga last night. I shopped for a new bathing suit on eBay instead. :-)

I had two pieces of cauliflower crust pizza with white toppings (artichoke hearts, grilled chicken, alfredo sauce, sun dried tomatoes, mushrooms, parm, asiago, chevre) for dinner. I had two glasses of wine and was a little lit, actually. I had s few pieces of choco-delight. I'm down .5 of a pound as of 5:30 this morning, but it may be another .5 after my morning thus far. I actually feel smaller and noticed bones in my chest I don't normally see too. As long as it's going in the right direction, it's all good.

I paced my feta/cuke salad, a 100g piece of chicken and an apple for lunch, and a handful of macs are in my purse should I be stuck anywhere. I should be able to come home for lunch, and it doesn't look like a long day, but you never know. Preparedness prevents slips.

Later-

I did have the macs. The day did get turned upside down!

For dinner I had a huge filet and a pile of broccoli I was stuffed, and that was unnecessary. The fancy wine and protocol chocolate where necessary. :-O

Still, I was somehow able to bring it in around the recommended calorie count. There was no exercise yesterday.

I'll be doing some vigorous cleaning today, and I'd like to do the yoga or Wii I didn't get to yesterday if I can get it in before my honey gets home. Not sure what we might do for dinner yet.

Day 12 stabilization

2010-02-25T12:05:00.000-08:00

Up 1.1, which probably puts me over, or damn close. However, I'm not doing another steak day for a couple of reasons. For one, I'm really sore from all the shoveling. I'm tired. That could contribute to a gain. For another, my coffee didn't kick in until at least an hour after I weighed since I had to be up so early. I'm sure between the two I'll be down tomorrow. If I'm not, I'll do a steak day again.

Today I had bacon and cheese for breakfast, macs for a snack, more cheese when I got home from work. Later, I was jonesin' for some veggies, so I made a feta/cuke/tomato/onion salad. I had about a cup of that. With the cream in my coffee, that puts me at probably around 1000-1200 calories so far. I think I'm either going to go do some yoga or Wii, then I have one appointment this afternoon and which ever one I don't do now, I'll do later. It won't be the kind of work out I got yesterday and the day before, but hopefully will cancel out what I eat today. I've been pretty hungry, oddly enough.

Day 11 stabilization

2010-02-24T07:59:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I did have some macs at some point during the day. And then I had one piece of cauliflower crust pizza for dinner.

I did 90 minutes of yoga.

I had two quarter size pieces of chocolate delight and 2 glasses of wine.

This am I was down .5 lb.

This morning I've had coffee and about 1/2 cup of cottage cheese.

I shoveled for an hour...AGAIN. I was going to fit 90 min. of yoga in before the two appointments I have this afternoon, but I'm pooped. I'll do it this afternoon, even if I have to shovel again. I'm going to need to stretch out the kinks. Although, if I do have to shovel again, I may do the 40 min. yoga instead of 90 min.

I'm thinking I might have an apple or something before I leave for my appointments, and then lunch when I get back. I have no idea what I might want to have, but there's some protocol chili in the fridge that needs to be eaten, so probably that.

Later-

I did eat 200g beef in protocol chili with cheese on top. I did shovel again, and did an hour of yoga.

Around 6-6:30 pm I ate a big pile of Brussel sprouts with mayo and mustard, not because I was very hungry, but because I thought I might be later and didn't want to eat much closer to bed. FitDay said I could have about 1000 more calories still, but I know it over estimates. Still, there's no way I'll have that even if I have wine and/or chocolate delight tonight...and I don't know that I will, but it's likely since I can. :-)

Day 10 stabilization

2010-02-23T11:50:00.000-08:00

I was down .9 lb. this am.
I slept well last night. It still didn't seem like I caught up though. I woke up at 5 am, before the alarm. I tried to go back to sleep--even hit snooze--but couldn't.
I forgot to eat breakfast. I did have coffee with cream.
I had appointments this morning.
For lunch I ate 100g chicken with swiss and bacon, followed by a handful of strawberries.
I shoveled snow for about an hour this afternoon.
I'm back to work in about an hour.
Don't know what I'll do for dinner yet. That chicken/pecan/blue cheese number I had last night was pretty good.
That is my exciting life.

Later-
Damn it! Mittlesmirtz!

So, in reflecting if there might be an emotional variable along with everything else, I realized the last time I was this weight was when I had my engagement pictures taken. I had gained 20 lb. after graduating HS...and that put me here where I am today. I had been around a size 5 through HS, and was up to a size 7. I thought I was huge.

I was desperate to lose that before I got married. For a year, I starved myself; living off mini-whites (speed/amphetamines), diet Coke and smokes. I got down to 102 and a size 3. Seriously, my head looked too big for my body. I also gave myself a killer kidney infection with a fever so high I hallucinated and pain so bad I would say along with a burst ovarian cyst or my broken arm, it easily was the worst pain I've ever experienced. That was what I put my body through the last time I got below this weight.

Day 9 stabilization

2010-02-22T10:38:00.000-08:00

I have no clue what I weighed this am. I was up at 4:30 am, out the door by 6 am. I stayed in a hotel last night and didn't bring the Wii since it was just one night, and it would do no good to weigh on a different scale because they are all different.

I'm just going to assume that because the steak day worked last time, it worked this time. I just won't know how much, even tomorrow. I should be down, but if it did what it did last time, I could be down by just tenths of a pound because I could gain 1/2 of it back today. It's like 2 steps forward, 1 step back.

It was a better day for clients though...one lost 12 lb. last week, one lost 42 lb. in 5 weeks with a week left to go, which means the total for 6 weeks should be about 50 lb. gone, and another who has had a hard time with stabilization for the opposite reason as me...keeps losing.

I'll just hang in there and see how things go. What else is there to do? I like where I am now and want to stay there...no matter what it takes. I can't do another round until mid to late summer so I just have to micromanage this situation until I don't have to micromanage any more.

Later-

Oh! At about 7 am I had an apple, around 10 I had a handful of macs, around noon I had 100g piece of chicken and 2 oz. of cheese...and coffee with cream. I had no cream in the early morning java.

I will have time to do yoga; the question is do I have the energy. I am NOT a morning person, and as far as I'm concerned I got up in the middle of the night, though technically termed 'this morning'. So frankly, depending on how I feel, I may not even do it when I get home. Logically, I know if I can just MAKE myself do it, I'll feel better and sleep better. It's just finding the mojo to motivate.

Day 8 stabilization

2010-02-21T13:32:00.000-08:00

I was down .2 lb. this a.m., but I am still doing a steak day. It's just too, too close.

So, there is really nothing to report because I'm not exerting too much extra energy because I'm not eating for about another 1/2 hour. I went shopping. :-) That's about the extent of my activity for the day.

I will hit the hot tub after dinner at some point.

I got to thinking about it, and I wonder if I took any vitamins during the protocol this time. I don't recall. I take them when I remember, and if I thought they didn't have starch or sugar, there would be no reason not to. Because it was cold and flu season when I was on maintenance last time, I bet I took them then. I know I was around some sickies over protocol, so I bet I did at least when I knew I'd been exposed or felt punky. That would explain so much!

If this is indeed the problem, I think I will extend my 'no sugar no starch' time by a week or two to lock it in. And then perhaps I will do another round in August, depending on how fit I get between now and then. If I can keep it under that 'overweight' BMI and still build some muscle, I wouldn't do another. I like where I am. I don't need to be a size 4.

Day 7 stabilization

2010-02-20T06:36:00.000-08:00

My first week of three down, but I will say it's been a challenge.

Today I'm back up like 1.4 or 1.6. Whatever the number was, it put me up to exactly the 2 lb. over mark. But here I have to make a judgment call on two counts: (TMI for some people follows) One, I can't recall that my body did any 'house cleaning' yesterday at all. And while I certainly ate within the limits of the amount of food I should be able to eat, especially with the amount of movement I did, it was a decent amount of food that should have been 'processed' by now. Two, I am sore beyond sore today. That 90 min. of yoga was even harder than I thought, and with the brisk hour of walking, my muscles worked. When muscles are sore like that, they are healing/repairing. We build muscle by damaging them just a little by pushing them beyond capacity. As they repair, they build a little bit extra to serve us better in the event we are going to make a habit out of needing that little bit more. While muscle does weigh more than fat, it's too soon for muscle to show up on the scale...but the water does.

Since I actually feel a little smaller, and I've stuck to the rules and had no sugar no starch (I grated the Asiago, Parm and Mozzarella for the pizza last night to avoid the starch in pre-grated cheese) all week...even at an event with yeasty, starchy, sugary goodness...so I'm going to assume that this isn't actually a gain, but a result of the factors mentioned. It may come back to bite me in the ass, but if I'm wrong, and I actually go over the 2 lb. mark tomorrow, I'll do a steak day. I actually may anyway even if I remain the same just because we have the steak and it's a close call. We'll see.

Later-

FitDay estimates I've eaten about 1600 calories and can consume up to about 2000 because I did about 45 minutes of yoga. I'm going to go get some Wii in after I'm done here too.

In any event this is how the day shaped up:

Breakfast-3 slices bacon and 2 oz. cheese. Coffee with cream.
Lunch-Handful of macs and a handful of strawberries.
More coffee in afternoon, and two cups Smooth Move tea
Dinner-one chicken breast (less than 200 g.)with swiss and bacon and a tossed salad.
Water, water, water, water.

It's 7 pm and after Wii, I may have a glass of wine and/or a cocoa bite of goodness.

I'd been looking at past stabilization periods trying to figure out what the deal is, and I think I figured it out!

As I was dumping a handful of vitamins out to take (C,D, multi, pro-biotic, mag/cal, potassium...it was a handful) it occurred to me that while I had taken vitamins as soon as protocol was over every time, I'd gotten lazy about reading labels. We don't purchase a particular brand; what if the brands this time or the last time had sugar or starch? I had a huge handful twice a day.

Sure enough! Everyone of them (store brand) had cellulose, starch and/or sugar! So then I tried to remember if the days I remembered to take them all were worse than other days. I can't recall.

So, I'm cutting those out. I suspect tomorrow will be a steak day, unless the Smooth Move evens stuff out. I'm hoping it does so that even if I bump over, it's not too bad.

I did take my first round of vitamins this morning if I recall, so if that's it, I will certainly need the steak day. I'll just have to cut them out and see what happens.

Day 6 stabilization

2010-02-19T05:04:00.000-08:00

I never did check in later in the day. It was sort of busy.

Either it was not how many calories was eating, but WHAT I was eating that was the problem, the Wii really did need batteries, or yoga did the trick.

I actually ate about 2,000 calories yesterday. I had bacon and cheese before I left the house. I had an apple and macs late morning, and a chicken breast and cheese slices on the run in early afternoon. I had several cups of coffee with cream. I again grabbed a chicken breast and cheese slices before a social event where I didn't want to eat the yummy (but mostly carb) food. I neither ate nor drank at the event.

In the middle of the day, I had about an hour and a half where I could come home, so I did, and I fit in 40 min. of yoga.

After the event, here is the thought process that led to the justification of a glass of wine:

I did really well at the event. I really didn't want anything there. But why didn't I drink that glass of wine I had them pour for me? Well, for one I was driving myself home. One glass of wine and I'm lit, and I'm not driving, even if it was only 2 miles. But (notice, lots of buts) my reasoning behind no wine was that I thought it made stabilization harder last time, and this time I needed a steak day in the first 3 days...how much harder can it be? And if I need another steak day, it should be this weekend when Dave can be out grilling. Blah, blah, blah.

So, I had a glass of wine. I also had two chocolate delights, because dark chocolate goes fabulously with red wine.

I'm down .4 today. Thus, I'll keep experimenting. :-)

Later-

Let's see, today consisted of:

Breakfast: 3 slices bacon, 2 oz. cheese

Snack: 1 apple

Lunch: 100 g. chicken and 2 oz. cheese

Snack: handful of macs

Dinner: 1 piece cauliflower crust white pizza (and I snitched about an oz of mozzarella while I was making it)

I did the long form yoga, so that's an hour and a half of pretty difficult yoga, and walked 3 miles at a brisk pace in the cold.

FitDay tells me that according to my calories in/calories out, I can have about 500 more which I do not intend to have, but I likely will have a glass of wine or two, and a couple of pieces of protocol chocolate. I'll still come in under count.

I won't have that until later though, because in the past it seems that the wine is more likely to be a problem if I have it with food. For now I'll down a couple more bottles of water.

I should be able to get plenty of exercise in this weekend too. It's supposed to be nice, and I think I'll just have to make the yoga a priority. It makes me feel so good!

Day 5-Stabilization

2010-02-18T04:13:00.000-08:00

For this round, calling this phase 'stabilization' is a misnomer.

I gained 1.3 today! I have no clue why. I had one fruit-an apple early in the day-no snacks, came in well under the calorie count, didn't eat anything after dinner. There is no explanation I can see for this except for Dave's comment about 'spooky behavior' when he also gained today. He had a busy day yesterday, ate small amounts of good food all day, played ball. He's never gained after a day like that in the 6 months he's been tracking. He always loses after basketball.

When he mentioned spooky behavior, I asked him if he had changed the batteries in the Wii; we'd both been getting messages that the batteries are low. Both of us were trying to eek out all the power we could get, so neither of us has changed them. I'll do that later today when I go down to basement for yoga, which BTW, is what I think kept me so stable in the past. I did Wii a lot, but it was yoga I did consistently. This time I'm already getting up so early I didn't want to get up even earlier...like 4 am...to get my yoga in.

Currently I get up two hours before I have to leave the house. I spend the first hour getting a couple of cups of coffee in, seeing what's going on in the world and journaling. The next hour I spend getting ready for work in a fairly leisurely way, including packing food and organizing any errands I'll need to run. I really like it this way. To get 90 min. of yoga in before work, I'd have to get up at 4 am if I wanted to keep the basics of this routine. I'm already ready for bed by about 9 pm these days. Hell, if I get up earlier, I'll be going to bed before the sun goes down here soon. Since I'm not willing to run the 'getting ready' time (I find that things get forgotten and accidents tend to happen when people are rushed and distracted instead of deliberate and mindful) I perhaps should shorten my 'me' time, get in one less cup of coffee and complete the short form (40 min.) yoga. I'll see what happens tomorrow, and then figure out my new routine to start on Monday.

Day 32/Day 4

2010-02-17T05:16:00.000-08:00

I think I'm just going to move onto what day I'm in regarding stabilization and maintenance. I'm getting confused trying to keep track of both.

Well...finally something worked exactly like it was supposed to! The steak day brought me down 2.6 lb. today!!! Oh happy day! I am finally over the line and 'NORMAL'! Like I said yesterday, I was according to the work scale, but the Wii has been my constant companion.

I'm sticking to mostly proteins for a few days until I know this is under control. I don't want to do another steak day if I don't have to, even if the payoff is nice. Not eating all day isn't torture; I didn't get a headache or anything. I managed fine. It's just work to keep yourself constantly distracted. And if I were to have one of those days when Dave is gone, I would have to modify somehow, which makes it tricky. I may have to play with my options to see what might work.

Anyway, my menu right away is...nothing. I'm going to take coffee to work (with cream!) but I only have one appointment, then some errands to run. I know I'll be home by lunch, but I'll take an apple and some nuts anyway (if we have apples...may have to put that on the list of errands). Neither is the strict protein I intend to eat all day, but I'm only taking them because they are portable, in the event that I need emergency food if I do get held up. I don't want to eat something forbidden simply because it's all I can find. Otherwise, I won't be touching them.

That's a very important strategy to begin on protocol and to continue forever. A lot of people don't eat when they have healthy food available, then when they are hungry, they eat what's handy, which is usually not good for their health or pants. We went for a hike once and stopped at a coffee shop on the way thinking we could all get a snack. In addition to coffee, they had ice-cream, biscotti, fudge, candy, chips, soda...not ONE thing in this huge place was a protein source. NOT ONE. Everyone else got stuff, but I went across the street to the gas station and got a little bag of cashews. I wasn't on protocol and was just past stabilization/maintenance so I could have had anything. But I knew that if I went hiking after dumping simple sugar into my system like that, on an empty stomach, I'd be in trouble. I wanted protein with a little bit of carb. Nuts were perfect. You'd be surprised how often you go to a restaurant or event where food is served, to find not one veggie, no nuts, no cheese...just everything wrapped pastry, lots of sweets and of course breads. My motto now is if it isn't SPECTACULAR bread, it's not worth it.

11:30 a.m. -ish

I actually didn't get to eat...nor drink much water...until just now. I stopped to visit some friends at Marian University when I picked up my book for my next class and it was so nice to see them! I missed them very much. It will be odd to not be working with them this spring.

Since I just planned to drop in and say hi, not bug them for an hour, I didn't eat anything before I went in. By the time I got back to my car, I was feeling pretty hungry! When I got home I had 4 pieces of bacon (3 and some scraps, but I'm rounding up), about 2 oz. of caraway farmer's cheese and an apple. FitDay puts that at just under 700 calories, so around half of my daily allotment if I'm going for 1,200 to 1,400 to see if the lower calorie total what I need to maintain, or if it is food specific. I'll drink lots of water this afternoon, I'm not thinking I'll have any more coffee. I'd like to do the chicken/pecan/blue cheese salad tonight, but I need to go shopping, which I'd have to do after work when I'm hungry. That's a bad idea. Before work I have to go to the DMV and then back to work for 3 more appointments, so I really can't run over there now unless I hit at different store that's closer. I guess I could do that.

Anyway, at this point I don't see that it will be a problem to keep the calories down where I want them to be.

Day 31/Day 3

2010-02-16T04:17:00.000-08:00

I don't know what the hell is going on, but this stabilization is just as whacked this time around as the whole protocol was!

I gained 1.3 lb. according to the scale. That still puts me .2 lb. beneath the '2 lb. over my last hCG weight' limit, but I'm going to have to do a steak day today. I actually should wait and see if there is another gain tomorrow and do it then if there is, however, my husband won't be here to make steak tomorrow. (I can't eat meat if I deal with it raw...I'm a hypocrite, not a carnivore. I wouldn't eat meat at all if I could stay thin without it. Sadly, I've come to realize being vegetarian is what made me fat & unhealthy. And I wasn't one of those vegetarians who didn't eat veggies!) So anyway, even though I've already had cream in my coffee, for the rest of the day, no cream, no food. I'll have one more cup of coffee black, and water...period. Then I'll have a great big steak and an apple tonight.

Tomorrow Dave has an out of town meeting during the day and plays basketball tomorrow night, not to mention I have a hypnosis appointment after my last appointment at work, so I'll be fending for myself with a quick meal; likely a protein shake.

My job is to troubleshoot this situation at this point. I'm eating about what FitDay says I need to eat to maintain. I'm guessing even that is too much for me. I'm also wondering if having oranges is too much sugar, natural or not, for me. I've had one each day.

So, steak day today to try to even that out, perhaps with some Smooth Move tea so that I can get back to where I can accurately figure out where I really am. The rest of the week, I'm going to concentrate on protein, and try to keep my calorie count a few hundred calories less than what fit day says I should be at. That should give me a fresh start, but since I've never gained like this before, I'm only guessing. I'm just going by what Simeons said in Pounds & Inches. I've done I think 2 steak days in the entire year. There were two days when I should have done steak days too, but didn't because Dave was out of town and I was on the run (like tomorrow would be). That is what bumped me up and made stabilization a bit harder last time. However, it was still nothing like this. I didn't run into issues this soon. I was weeks into it...after Thanksgiving and that wine I added too early in the process...before I dealt with this stuff.

11 am

Man I hate steak days! I hate 'em more than apple days!

It's not even noon yet and I'm hungry. I'm chewing gum and drinking water. I'm trying to stay distracted. I'm punched out but staying at work hoping it will be easier to not think about food if my kitchen isn't right there.

I did hop on the Tanita at work though, and there was good news and bad news. The bad news is that I weighed 136.6, however that is fully clothed and after about 2 liters of water and 5 cups of coffee (and my cups are mugs, so it was like a whole pot) so it was probably pretty close to what the home scale says.

The good news is that the Tanita tells me I have a HEALTHY BMI!! It puts me at 25.8 (if I were that on the Wii I'd be over that damn line!)My 'fat free mass' is 100.8 lb. and my water percentage is 54%. It estimates my daily caloric requirement as 2189, which is about what LiveStrong calculates, but more than FitDay...and they are all wrong, because I know I got far less than that the last couple of days and still gained. But I know that from the past as well. I also know that if I cut out all carbs, including veggies and fruits, I will maintain better. I don't want to do that this time though. I want to find a balance that will allow me to have those in my life and still stay put. I may have to cut them out for a little while though.

Later-

Had my steak and it was good. The apple was even better. My tummy is making the most bizarre sounds! It's a little like alien.

I am very tired, and oddly...well the only way I can explain it is to say full and hungry at the same time. It's very weird. In any event, I figure a hot bath and bed is better for me right now than the Wii, so I relinquished my time so Dave can do it, and I'm going up for that bubbly bath and then bed, hopefully to sleep deeply all night and wake up back where I belong.

Oh, also oddly, I had a couple of people tell me I LOOKED thinner today, and I FELT thinner today...scale obscenity notwithstanding.

Day 30/Day 2

2010-02-15T04:27:00.000-08:00

Up .7 this morning, but not too worried about that either. As I've pointed out before, I typically weigh more when I weigh earlier, not to mention that all that food I ate yesterday has yet to make its way all the way through my system. Still, with the small gain yesterday, and the small loss the day before, I'm still only 1/2 lb. over my last hCG weight. I actually feel smaller today. I'm going to go out on a limb here and predict that the scale will continue to go down incrementally as long as I stay within my parameters.

So far today, coffee with cream, about 100 calories. I haven't entered stuff on FitDay as I have to get ready for work, but I will after lunch. I may have had breakfast by then too, but I'm not sure what that will be yet.

Noon-ish

My total so far is about 750-800 calories: 3 slices of bacon and an apple for breakfast, chicken on lettuce with Walden Farms dressing for lunch, 4 cups of coffee with cream and one piece of chocolate delight. I've had maybe two liters of water so far.

Later

I also had some macs later, and 1/2 cup cottage cheese and an orange later still. I made more chocolate delight later so had another couple of quarter sized pieces.

I did about 45 minutes of Wii, and realized I am sore from yesterday. I did lift some free weights, but only 8 reps each side. I didn't think I'd be sore. I probably could expect to be up another tiny notch tomorrow if my muscles are holding on to water as they heal.

I'm actually thinking of going to bed as neither Dave nor I slept well last night, so hopefully a good night's sleep will negate some of that expected gain. It should be small, so nothing to worry about, and water then is gone usually the following day. It just makes it harder to track. I know better. I don't know why I did that. It just felt good to lift weights!

Day 29 protocol-Day 1 stabilization

2010-02-14T07:06:00.000-08:00

Yea! Today I get cream in my coffee!!!

I've already been to FitDay which is where I record every single thing I eat and add up my calories. I just put in that I'll have 4 tblsp. of heavy cream, even though I've only had one so far. I know I'll likely have 4 cups of coffee and they will ALL have cream!

FitDay also tell me how many calories I can have each day to maintain my weight. It will add up my activities as I plug them in so that if I burn more, it will tell me how many more I can eat. LiveStrong Daily Plate does the same thing, I believe, but I know from helping clients figure out what their daily calorie count should be that it figures high. Actually, I know from experience that for me, FitDay does too. For instance, it says for my age, activity level and weight, I should consume about 1,700 calories per day. I know that if I do, I will gain. I actually need to stay around 1,200-1,500 to maintain. That is weight LOSS range for most people, but for me it is where I stay stable. Or ate least it has been in the past. We'll see this time. If I have to modulate, I will.

Today I was up .2 of a pound, although those little ups and downs are normal during this stage. Still the damn line eludes me! I'm not worried about it for two reasons. First, I know why it's there. I ate after dark last night. I forgot to eat my fruit after dinner, so I had it around 8 pm. And I did stay up late and was having a hard time, so I had a few more nuts. I know that during stabilization neither of those things is an issue, and I know that the hCG was essentially out of my system or I wouldn't have been hungry, but I also know that food eaten so close to bed is going to be stored. I need to just program into my brain (hypnosis!) that I need avoid food after dark like a vampire avoids light. So, I .2 gain...not a big deal.

I still don't know what I will have for breakfast. I guess it depends on what Dave has. If he has cereal, I'll have cottage cheese and strawberries. If he has an omelet, I'll share that. No matter what I choose, it will go into the FitDay log so I can make sure I stay somewhere in the 1,200-1,600 range.

11:21 am

I did have 1/2 cup (heaping) of cottage cheese and 5 strawberries for breakfast. With the coffee and cream, FitDay puts me at about 400 calories so far today.

We decided we are going to have steak and stuffed mushrooms for our Valentine's Day dinner. I'm going to see if I can find a desert that just uses Stevia and allowable items...perhaps something with cocoa but no starch. We'll see what I find.

4:53 pm

We just had dinner. I had a 200g steak and 3 stuffed mushrooms, which is about 600 calories. I've had two more cups of coffee with cream, so about another 100 calories. FitDay calculates that with the hour of Wii I did so far today, I can consume about 1,776 calories. I have thus far consumed about 1,730. I may have a piece or two of chocolate delight later. I don't know. It's too cold to go for a walk, so maybe Dave and I will do yoga or a Wii competition to burn off a few of those extra calories.

Day 28

2010-02-13T14:36:00.000-08:00

Let's see; I continued to eat per protocol all day. I was really hungry by dinner because I got held up for longer than expected.

Today I got up late and had to pull everything together for the class I was teaching. I had an apple and some macs because I didn't want the house to smell like chicken and cabbage or something with a pregnant mom's sensitive nose (and perhaps tummy) coming in for the day. By the time I was done teaching, I was VERY hungry and did have that chicken and cabbage. Now I'm drinking coffee.

This a.m. I was down .4 lb. and my underwear are too big.

I still will be eating protocol for the duration of the night, though I know from experience that I may be very, very hungry if I end up staying up late. I may need a little something hi-pro by the end. We'll see.

People have asked me what I'm going to eat once I can have anything I want except starch and sugar, and pretty much I have to say probably the same things I've been eating, at least for awhile. I know that eggs, some nuts, and cauliflower crust pizza are on the menu. I know I will likely want a tomato cucumber salad with feta, is likely something I'll make, and blue cheese burgers. Tonight Dave wants chili, but now we make protocol chili anyway, so that's what I'll have too. I don't know if I'll add too much cheese right away. We'll see how it goes. I did buy caraway farmers and a veggie cheddar that I like.

The biggest thing I look forward to is my cream in my coffee tomorrow. What I will still be missing for another couple of weeks...maybe up to three...is wine. Oddly enough though, right this very minute it doesn't sound remotely interesting. I just know that it comes up from time to time; it has during protocol and I'm sure it will during stabilization/maintenance. At least I don't have any social engagements coming up (other than the charity fund-raiser thing, but I'm not too worried about that anymore) where I'll be tempted. I've made too much progress.

Speaking of, my last hCG weight was 132.8 with a BMI of around 27. I'm still right on the line of 'overweight/normal' for weight according to Wii. AARP says my BMI should be between 18-26. Other places say 16-25. I'm close either way.

Typically, the last hCG weight is where you lock in, but I'm not even sure if that's what I should do. Nothing about this round was typical. Frankly, since I see the rest of my life as 'maintenance' now, I don't see a problem with continuing to lose if it's just a little. I know that when I took that stance before, I just gained it back really quickly during the loading phase of the next round, but I don't intend to have to do this again. Like Dave, I figure perhaps my body will work like it's supposed to now, and if I just keep really close tabs on calories in/calories out, I should be able to stay pretty close to where I am. But since I was shooting for 124, if I continued in that direction, I'd be ok with that, as long as it was slow and effortless.

Day 27

2010-02-12T05:21:00.001-08:00

I'm not even sure why I'm continuing at this point, to be honest. It was a zero day. Yesterday was exhausting. It was 16 hours of non-stop talking, and believe it or not, even for me, enough is enough! I fell into a deep sleep the instant my head hit the pillow, and I really would love to still be there!

I went to bed hungry, although I was able to get all my 500 calorie protocol foods in. I woke up hungry to a big fat zero, and was more disappointed than ever to not be under that 'overweight' line into normal range. Maybe I'll just never be normal. :-)

Anyway, I went back to my diary of all past rounds to see if this had happened before, and what I might have done to manage it. There were only about 4 other times in the whole year where I gained a pound or more. Most larger gains were under that, and I would gain like .7 or .9 and then release .5 the next day and equal or more the day after. With the biggest gains, I always had gotten rid of it within two or three days, sometimes the very next day, and only once was there a zero day soon after. This happened more on the second round, which I started too soon on the heels of the first round, and I quit after 17 days and 11 lb. because it was harder than it should have been...like this time. So, I wonder if it's less about the hCG and more about my body just needing that time between rounds...regardless of what my head wanted. I never did anything special to correct with any of the gains. My apple days were always with two or three days of zeros...not gains. And really, I got little out of those for the most part.

If I didn't have that social event coming up, I would quit today. I just don't trust myself to go to this thing and not have wine and munchies if I don't have the deterrent of the hCG...and there is some hope beyond hope I guess that I'll be able to get just 3 or 4 more lb. out of this, as unlikely as that is looking. This just may be where my body wants me to be for a year or so. Maybe the rest will come off all by itself.

On a positive note, I hear birds singing outside and it was light when I got up this am! Spring really will be here soon, even if it was in the negative single digits this morning!

Later-

I had some time to sit and meditate on what I should do with this situation. I ultimately came to the conclusion that I should listen to what I've told several clients this week...sometimes it's your body that decides when you are done. All of my self-talk even here seems to be saying that. My intuition says there is no reason to keep going, and I shouldn't be worried about this social event. I'll do fine no matter where I am in the program. Social events are part of the fabric of life, and there's no reason I can't attend and not eat or drink. There is no guarantee that I won't mess up, but if I do, it will be with consciousness. I did realize however, that a lot of my clients will be at this event, and that may be almost as good as hCG in regard to accountability.

So, yesterday was my last shot. I continue today and tomorrow just as I did yesterday and each day while on protocol before that. From experience, I know that as the hCG leaves the system, sometimes that 3rd day is a bear, but we'll see what happens this time. I really have no clue how it will go...or how stabilization and maintenance will go this time. This round has been so different in so many ways, I don't really know what to expect.

Day 26

2010-02-11T04:11:00.000-08:00

Another -.4 day. I was right; it's going to take me at least until tomorrow to make up for that 1.1 gain. So I lost 4, maybe 5, days for something that wasn't even a fun or satisfying cheat...it was just something I've been able to do in a pinch (and many others do all the time) without consequence. I just added time to an already seemingly endless round.

I know; not very inspiring. The round I actually decide to document for all to see is a struggle. But hey, there were moments in the other rounds too. They were just overall a breeze.

I'll take my lunch today. I have 11 consults today, followed by barely enough time to eat something for dinner, and then I teach a class tonight. I will busy from the time I get up from this computer until I drop into bed. I didn't even look ahead to tomorrow. I have no clue what it holds, but I know at least after 5 I'm done. This weekend I should have time for some exercise. I should be able to drop below that 'normal' line.

I will be working on stuff for my next HypnoBirthing series, which starts in a couple of weeks, ordering books for my next classes which start in a couple of weeks, and figuring out how to pay for it all, which is on my mind constantly.

Sigh. I guess I should get my act together and get this day started.

Day 25

2010-02-10T05:15:00.000-08:00

Let's see...yesterday actually turned out to be productive and not too difficult, after the original disappointment.

I did go to work for the morning, came home and ate lunch, which was the usual protocol stuff. Then I spent over two hours on my hands and knees scrubbing my bathrooms top to bottom. That felt good. I was sweating and figured I'd be sore today, but I was not.

I had my dinner, minus the fruit. I wasn't willing to risk an orange again, and I only have one apple I need to take for lunch today in case I don't get shopping, though that's on my list to do. That and scrubbing my kicthen/dining/foyer floors. I do have one a.m. appointment, and then two this afternoon/evening. I should be home by 7-7:30 pm and I'll set up for tomorrow nights class, since I'll barely have time to eat with a full day of appointments and not even an hour after I get home.

I only released .4 lb. today, so I was right...it likely will take me the rest of the week just to get back to where I was. Damn!

I will admit to childishly feeling like, "That's not fair! YOU can eat all kinds of stuff on protocol! I SHOULD be able to!" knowing that the fact simply is, I'm not able to. I hadn't tested the theory much up until now, but considering that's the way it is for me in life as I live it, it would be so here and I should have known it. I'm for real when clients say, "But when will I be able to eat xyz again?" and I tell them, "Maybe never. Or, you may come to discover that for you, IF you want something that bad, you have just know that you'll pay for it. That some people can eat that day in and day out, but for you one bite is like poison to your body. And you have to know that and base your decisions accordingly. It's not fair, it just is. And it doesn't matter if you 'used' to be able to eat that at some point in your life. Your body is constantly changing, and you are learning what your body needs NOW, not then, to stay fit. There may be some things you have to look at like an alcoholic looks at alcohol or a diabetic looks at sugar, and just say no."

And that's where I am. I'm actually discouraged enough that if it were an opportune time, or if I weren't so close to that line, I'd probably quit. But today is not the day to go off protocol, and I am still just over the line. And looking at my social life for the next week or more, I have an event at which I'll be less likely to lose ground if I know I CAN'T have anything to eat or drink than if I can say to myself, "Well, it's just a little early...I can do that." So for that reason alone, I think I'll make it next weekend that I'll plan to stop. It will be pretty darn close to the 40 day mark, so it looks like essentially, I'm sticking it out.

Later-

This morning, someone told me I was going to blow away if the breeze kicked up, and asked me if I was "trying to lose all that weight". I said, 'Yep. When you figure out what was broke it's easy to fix. But I'm almost done.' That last part added because I figured she must have asked because I looked sick or something, but then did added that I was looking good, so maybe not. When I told someone about it at work they said I don't look sick, so that's reassuring, because she's not the first person to ask if I was losing weight so fast because I wanted to.

I did decide that I'm going to keep going with the remaining hCG and syringes I have left. When they are gone, I'm done, no matter where I am. That will take me just past a social event I have to attend, which is good. If I still have hCG in my system, stuff is much easier to resist, especially since I'm really clear on how far back that would set me at the moment. I'm not so sure I wouldn't find a way to justify that glass of wine or a yummy munchie if I were on stabilization, and that's where I screwed up last time. I'm going to be meticulous about it

Pants are too big today. I just tried them on this weekend! The 'small' shirt I have on actually fits without pulling at the buttons...as long as I'm not sitting. Grr.

I'm not hungry. It's almost 11:30 am. I did have an apple a while ago, and I'm currently drinking cherry chocolate flavored coffee so I'm all good.